Young Writers Society

This is the first item I've posted in a while, so I'm not sure if this is the right place exactly. I could see it fitting in several genres, so if you don't think it belongs here, let me know! Otherwise, I'll hush and let you rip it to pieces now

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Her frown marked the silence of an era; each breath held the blood of nations.

And now it would all end. Now, at last, she had a weapon – the weapon – to end the onslaughts. The only question was could she use it?

She knew it would work. That much she couldn’t question. She had more faith in the scientists who built it than in her soldiers, or her generals. Or even herself. They, if none else, would stay true. In a world of warfare, soldiers could hold their place, but intelligence languished. Too many of her scientists had become part of the scenery: another piece of the bloody battlefield. Except worse: they were the first. It was the scientists, not the grunts, who posed the greatest threat to the Order, and it was the scientists who burned under acid beams and turned to liquid flesh. The Great Raids came later, but they were easy enough to avoid if you wore plainclothes. When they came after the “intellectuals”, it was in secret brigades, not helicopters – through hidden passageways, not skyways and wide streets. There was no escape. And it was this cruelty – this utter holocaust of human capacity – that brewed the strongest bitterness. And the strongest vengeance.

But did she share that? Oh, she had seen enough of her kind sprayed in drops on every wall in the ghetto. She had stared down the barrel of a Narwok-7 on more occasions than she’d like. And it was this that created her: this that thrust her unprepared into a mirage of power. She managed well, better than well. She was the perfect ideologue, an inspiration, a guide and leader for thousands, even millions. But could she push the button?

It was hard knowing. She could see in her mind every last repercussion. They had explained everything, down to the last quark. There would be victory, there would be freedom, beauty, progress unseen since the Old Times, since the time before the Order: a time that seemed more fairytale than fact. She wondered about the stories, if she would ever see their rebirth, or at least read their truths. She wondered what it would be to live in a world with only humans, to throw off the shackles of oppression and embrace the rule of her own kind. It was a radical idea, a beautiful one that she couldn’t help but savor.

And yet, there was hesitation. She could not bring herself to push the button.

It was there before her, inviting her fingers, inviting the pressure of a thousand years to fall upon it, to release its power. It screamed for justice, for liberation. It screamed with the voice of her people, of all humans: in the City, in the fields, in labor stations, mines and encampments. It screamed for her.

But could she do it?

Her mind turned back to the scientists’ words. No grotesque tales of destruction did they create, no splatters of a would-be life against metal and glass. Only empty faces, devoid of thought or purpose. But that was cruel too: to exist and yet not be. Was there a worse fate? The Resistance claimed the Laz’nag did not have souls, just as Laz’nag priests claimed humans had none. But who was to say that was true? Could it be that the two were so irreconcilably different? That the humans had something the Laz’nag didn’t? And even if it was true – even if there was no beauty, no tenderness inside them – something would be lost. Would it not?

The door opened with a crash. Glaring eyes followed. “General Rae,” the man grunted, fashioning a quick salute. “Is there a problem?”

Her eyes traced down the steely walls, across the once-window now covered in concrete. “No,” she sighed, shaking her head once, twice. “Not at all.”

The man exhaled, inhaled, exhaled again. “You know – and I’m not meaning any disrespect – we’ve got reports of another raid. Looks like they’ll be coming right for us. T-minus 3 minutes.”

Her lips formed a distinct “o”, but shared nothing.

“General –” the man pursed his lips, feeling the two blue bands on his arm burn through his skin. “General, with all due respect –“

“No.” Her eyes glued to the ex-window, as if they could pierce through to the street below. “I can do this.”

Her palm slapped down onto the grey button. A soft humming ensued, then a louder clunking. Then silence. Not the silence of prayers or remembrance, just a hollow empty blanketing the world. She could hear her pulse pounding through her ears, tensing with anticipation. Had it worked?

Shouts erupted: in the building, in the streets, from the rooftops. Laughter followed, with screams, and yells, and song: a long ignored, but never forgotten art kept alive in the hearts of the faithful. But she merely looked down at her hand, shook her head, and walked back to her room.

Hey there, Pandora!

Well, I absolutely love this! Your writing has this wonderful flow that had me glued from the very first sentence. I'm really looking forward to reading more

*coco

Hey Pandora. I'm Jet. I think, as your piece is quite short, I'll give you a focussed general review rather than just nitpicking.

First off, the positives. You have an interesting concept, particularly in positioning your character within the war and giving her a political opinion, rather than just some vague ideas of what's happening around her which so often happens with a fantasy world. In fact, the war itself seems to have been well thought out, with motives on each side (or rather, the same one), and though I originally had reservations as to how a war over races could start, I thought about the last 500 years of human civilisation and had my answer.

Your description of the "intellectual" raids is something I haven't seen before, as far as I can recall, but it's plausible and it makes the reader think, which is always a good thing. Language-wise, your first line is a brilliant hook that draws the reader in straightaway, and with the exception of a couple of minor problems I'll come on to later, your punctuation and grammar is generally good. I think you make good, if slightly excessive, use of rhetorical questions, too.

As to what you can improve on, I have three points to make.

Flow. I understand that you are writing a reflection on your character's situation, but try to vary your sentence structure occasionally, and don't use the same structure consecutively. For example:

Too many of her scientists had become part of the scenery: another piece of the bloody battlefield. Except worse: they were the first.

I'm sure you'll recognise the same structure later on in your piece, as well. Colons are long pauses mid-sentence and distracting by nature, so include too many and you'll lose your reader entirely. Even commas, unnaturally placed to make the reader pause for emphasis, can be distracting when used too often. Don't rely so much on repetition and emphasis to make your points. Be more exacting with your choice of words in the first place and you'll find that you don't have to search for synonyms to hammer the point home.

In fact, overuse of the colon is something you need to look at. It's a punctuation mark, like the exclamation mark, to be used absolutely sparingly and only when emphasis is really needed; if you can't find a strong word to describe something, perhaps you'll use a colon before you elaborate on the description. If words suffice, leave the colon out of it.

Structure and Focus. By this, I mean indicating where the piece is going, and giving it a focal point that you can return to without disrupting the entire flow. Obviously you've chosen your focal point as the button, but you need to ease into those questions without just breaking up the narrative. Believe me, I've done it. Currently, your story is structured like this:

thoughts BUTTON thoughts BUTTON thoughts BUTTON thoughts dialogue BUTTON end.

That's fine once or twice, but there's only a slight link between the button and what your character is thinking. We're jerked into the question and it becomes quite awkward for us to read. Think about easing us into it, or perhaps just taking out a few of those similar rhetorical questions.

The other difficulty I found was the long stretch without any action. It's predominantly reflection, which is fine in a piece like this where you need to incorporate so much background into such a short space, but perhaps think about interrupting Rae's thoughts from time to time with something in the room. It's actually very difficult to think for long periods of time, completely uninterrupted, without fiddling with something or picking up a sound.

Ending. I felt it was somewhat rushed, when there's been so much build-up. It needs a few sentences more, or perhaps just a description with very flowery language. Use the ending to show off, so it has as much impact as possible. Essentially, the entire piece is building to this climax and then the climax was over without much ado. There's nothing wrong with having Rae leave the room without any acknowledgement, but perhaps a little more time could be spent going over the imagery of that moment, and the time before, when she pushes the button itself. A period of tension should be established there for a paragraph, with pauses and short sentences, I think.

So I hope that's helpful. I enjoyed this piece and the contemplation of your character, though I haven't focussed much on the plot of the piece itself. To address that quickly, I'd say elaborate slightly more on your definition of a soul. It changes so much from story to story that you really need to think about what the soul is, because it's the focus of a war here, as you've written it. I suppose that, once again, goes down under the focus of your piece and the in-depth consideration of your background, a surprising amount of which is needed, even for such a short story. Well done on thinking through as much as you have, though, and considering the different views of the characters within your world. Just a bit of tweaking and this'll be an intriguing, thought-provoking story.

- Jet.

Hi!!
Alzora here, ready for editing!!

I think you need some more background information. It's really confusing having no idea what this is about...
Also (personally I like it this way) I think you need more emotion for your character, you're saying that she's wondering if she can push the button but it doesn't have much emotion besides that.

Alzora

Hey there, Looks like there's nothing much for me to review because Jetpack and Alzora had cover almost everything for the review part. I just want to say that you have to write more if you want your stories to be better. Never give up because if you do, you never know that you can write. Everyone can write if they try very hard. Anyway, I enjoyed reading it.

Good luck and keep writing,

Alicia.

Hey there, everyone pretty much covered what was wrong. haha. Im not that great at reviwing anyway, but this was a great story! I look forward to reading more if you write any!

-Jalmoc

i dont know if you've ever read "the hunger games" but your charecter reminds me of an older more experienced version of Katniss. the way she has the fate of the world on her shoulders, and has the dillema of killing to save lives, made the story very intense and enjoyable. despite being rather short, you somehow managed to have the reader relate to the main charecter easily, which i would assume is because everyone can understand the pressure that war puts on people. great story, i hope you'll check out mine ("the way of the jungle") and maybe critique the first chapter.
your friend,
---Psudiname

I really think it was great. There was a lot of emotion behind it, despite it's shortness. You used great description and had a strong voice. I would like there to be more to the end though. There was so much suspence leading up to it and then she just pushed the button and it was over. Keep up the good work!
R3G@N

I thought it was a very nice start. Intriguing and emotional... Personally, I like stories that have more dialouge, but that's just me... Also about what you said in the begining:

This is the first item I've posted in a while, so I'm not sure if this is the right place exactly. I could see it fitting in several genres,

I think this is in the right genre. At first, with the title, I was like, 'How can a button cause a war?!?' Then I read it, and was like, 'O'.

I loved it, and the button thing is interesting too. At first I wondered what the button you were referring to was, then I read it and I think I understand. The others have pointed out all the problems I saw (but I didn't see much myself, then again I'm not much of a editor).