Young Writers Society

This was part of a non-connected series, the Misforunate Happenings series. This is number four. I've posted number two as well, but they aren't that great. I'm posting this under request.

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Alice just stood there, gazing at the mansion. She knew that in that ‘house’, stood what she needed. All she had to do was steal it. Then all would be fine. Walking carefully around the perimeter of the garden fence, like she had so many times before, she waited for the signal from the house. Patiently, she poised herself, ready to scale the fence.

There! The flap of the garbage disposal. Pulling herself over the fence, Alice swung herself over the barbed wire, and landed as gracefully as a dove. She sprinted to the flap, and hastily wrestled it open. She then started the climb. With this, Alice was greeted by foul smells of rotting food that’s been caught in the cracks in the metal, which re-emerged the memories of her past.

The happy faces that covered the misery. The lies that covered other people in mystery. Because of this, Alice was not a happy child, with many problems and pains. But when someone bends you to their will, you’ll do anything retrieve what they have. Especial when what they have is something so close to you.

Reaching the end of the emotional journey, Alice pushed her way through the final metal flap. With the rush of fresh air, Alice also felt a sharp sting in her neck.

Pulling the dart out, Alice felt the tranquilizer pumping through her blood. Only powered by adrenaline, which also fought the weariness, she dove off the wall to avoid any more shots. With the thought, ‘Get out of there!’ flooding through every sense in her mind, she ran with a dizzy haze away from her attackers.

It seemed that every turn that she took, put her in the sights of another guard. How many of them were there really, and how many were manifestations of her deluded mind?

Half blinded by delusions, Alice blundered and bumped around, unaware of where she was, or what was going to happen to her. But then she found what she wanted, the Cavern, which held the item that she would trade for her sister. The one who had suffered all Alice had, and more.

Alice staggered forward, and with an exhausted triumph, she gripped the doorway that was covered in darkness, and peered in. There, in the center of the room, stood what she had spent three months of torment, searching for. The golden, jeweled cup, know as the Judas Chalice. All she had to do was grab it, and trade it for her sister.

As Alice stepped out of the darkness, a dagger drove through her stomach, and a swell of blood poured out of her. She fell backwards and landed with a soft thud, with no expression on her face. A single tear rolled out of her clam, but pain filled eyes, and down her soft flawless cheek.




With a gasp, Alice woke and sat up. As she took in her surroundings, she found that she was in the comfort of a hospital like bed. Groaning with pain, Alice slid herself off the bed. Stunned, she fell, unaware that she was on a bunk. With a loud snap, she landed in a crumpled heap on the floor, and the familiar shooting pain of a broken arm.

This is awesome! I love everything about it! You are an amazing writer.I WILL be reading part two.

Hey king!

You continue to amaze me! I was so surprised at the ending-I love your twists and climaxes you have in your stories (unbelievable). At first, I thought it was a bit dull unlike part 2 (which, by the way, I LOVED) which continued a full-on intensity right through to the end. Only did my heart leap when Alice was stabbed!

Just a few quick things to say-when you say something is like something you insert a highfen between the word and like E.G.

...she was in the comfort of a hospital like bed.

You should put hospital-like bed. Just check on spelling here and there (two spelling errors I can recall). Other than that, excellent piece of work. Can't wait for the next installment (parts 1 and 3+)

MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)

Hi.

Interesting and engaging story. It would serve great as a prologue. I am a little confused about the structure of the "house" and the part where she jumped over a barbed wire; but that's probably just me. I think it would be very interesting, if it is a stand alone story, for her to be hit on the head instead of being stabbed. Then when she wakes up, she falls off her bed and dies from a head injury. While the ending is more dark I think that it would add another dimension to the story. Overall, nice story.

I don't see how you say that your stories suck, but I think they are amazing. Very gripping. To quote another comment about this

You continue to amaze me! I was so surprised at the ending-I love your twists and climaxes you have in your stories (unbelievable).

Very true. I think you should put a little more details in there. Your wording is great, you have words in your vocabulary that most people don't have in theirs. To in my own words quote another post, this would be a good prologue for a book, it sets up for a story very well. Very Good story, I hope to see more of your stories, and don't be so subtle, your stories are great. I wish you luck in your writings, and I hope that one day you publish your stories.