Young Writers Society

I try to pull her back; I pull hard on the reins but she is not responding. By now I am almost tasting the fear rising through me. We are nearing the last jump, Mindy's mane is flapping wildly, dancing in my face. Just as her forelegs begin to rise off the ground, the saddle shifts, throwing me wildly to the left – I grab her mane, willing myself to find a way to make her stop, before she kills me and herself. The sweat is pouring down my face, and by now the crowd have got to their feet. Mum is a blur, yelling, her red, tear-stained face wobbling to and fro. ‘I’m trying,’ I whisper. With a huge effort, I haul myself into the saddle for how long until I’m thrown off again. Mindy is red hot, and I can sense that she is almost as terrified as I am. “Please stop” I cry. As her pace quickens, I find myself struggling for breath, the fast flow of air swallows my quick, panicky breaths. This is the end I swallow, as I let my hands slip from the reins, too weak to hold on any longer...

June 14th
I can’t feel anything. I lift my arms to rub my eyes, only one reaches to my face. A loud beeping sound startles me. My eyes flutter open and I’m confused as I lie underneath crisp, white covers. A lady walks into my room and eyes me warily before calling a name unfamiliar to me. A woman rushes and falls to her knees by my bed. “Kyla, oh Kyla,” She sobs, grasping my hand.She is warm and as she looks up at me, something stirs in my memory, then fades gently to the back. I hear her ask,
"Does she know me?"
The woman standing beside her, I have since figured is a nurse. She is small, and coloured. Her tight bun sitting on the top of a wiry nest. "She really needs some good hairspray," I think to myself as she replies in a thick North-American accent,
"No, I, you... I don't know Madam, half...half of her brain destroyed but we don't know wat she know you," Her english is not too bad but very broken.
My brain? Destroyed? I open my mouth to speak but all that comes out is what sounds like, gurglleee. The woman sobbing by my bed stands to her feet and strokes my face. " Kyla, please remember me. I... I" Before she finishes she breaks into heart-broken sobs. I try to move to get out of the bed and say that I'm fine and ask why she is so upset, and why I can't move.
" Mrs Cole, please step out for a minute. I have the results of the previous test on Kyla," A tall man in a white coat bellows as he steps through the long,wooden doors. The woman looks at me,then reluctantly follows the man in the white coat out the door. I couldn't make out quite what they were saying, but I flopped lazily onto the pillow in exasperation-I didn't understand. What was wrong that i couldn't move?! Through a tear stained face i could make out this woman, and the doctor re-entering the room. By this stage my tears were streaming down my face, and my nose was running. I lifted my hands up to my face to wipe away the tears, but yet again only one reached to my face. The woman caressed my face, whilst wiping my face, and nose.
" Kyla..please.. do you know me? I'm your mother! You have to remember!!" She sobbed fiercely, shaking me violently through floods of tears. I mumbled something in response, and 'my mother' abruptly stood up and left the room crying loudly,too upset to hide her utter loneliness. I was left alone.. I needed answers.. WHY WAS I IN HERE, AND WHAT THE HECK WAS WRONG WITH ME? I was furious, and lost. My head was jumbled and sore. As I lay on the pillow, the nurse from earlier on walked in with a bright,cheery smile.. I turned my head so as I was facing a cold, white wall, shielding my red,blotchy face from the eyes of the world before I let out a piercing, distressed cry.

June 15th
I'm still here. In hell...In this dream.. Whatever this is that I'm living-I'd do anything to make it stop. I have figured out whats wrong with me. There is only one answer to why I can't move. Paralysed,I am paralysed. Last night, I couldn't sleep. I lay wondering why,where and how this had happened to me,which was pointless but I just.. I just.. don't have an answer.
I don't have any tears left in me to cry, so I lie here utterly emotionless. My mother walks into the small,clammy cubicle where I have been living for.. I don't know how long and where I will live for a lot longer I should think.

"Kyla.. I have something to tell you," she pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing,"The doctors believe that I should explain to you what happened because..because you don't remember.So here goes..

It was the day of the Pony club show, and you were ecstatic. It was your first 'real live competition' and you were in high spirits. You had spent the night before, practising until your poor pony,Mindy,was worn out. You got up in the early hours of the morning and groomed her to perfection. You were so proud of Mindy your 'very own pure bred palomino' and I couldn't have been prouder of my very own little girl. Anyway,that morning after breakfast we,you and me together,loaded up the truck and set off. You chatted all the way to the club and I could see you were determined to win. I was almost as determined as you were to win, for you to stay safe. When we got to the club, I remember you telling me that you and Mindy needed some time to sort out their heads before the competition and so I was told to meet you at the Competition stand. I followed the crowd of rushing people until I reached my seat. I had bought the best seat in the stand, the seat closest to the action. Where I could see you best. I could sense from the scoreboard that it was going to be a hard take for you. Each pony that walked into the arena, did well and soared over most of the metre high jumps. It wasn't long until your name was called, and you and Mindy entered the arena.."her eyes filled with tears,but recovered as she sensed my curiosity,"You were half way through the course of jumps when suddenly, a small dog scrambled from underneath the fence and barked madly, snapping wildly at Mindy's hind legs. Mindy panicked, and reared. I stood up, shouting at someone to get the dog out of the arena fast and to help you. Mindy bucked, before rearing once more and breaking into a fast paced gallop. I yelled wildly at you to try and stop the pony but you were panicking and I could see that you were beyond terrified. By this stage the whole stand were on their feet shouting and screaming. I blindly tried to jump the fence but a security guard blocked the way. I cried out, and turned to see you falling slowly, head first toward the ground. You're eyes were closed and I had never felt anything worse then what I felt just then. I thought you were dead. Some men rushed into the arena, and managed to grab Mindy but I wasn't watching, nor did I care. As far as I was concerned that pony killed my only daughter. You were out on a stretcher and brought to the nearest hospital.You were unconscious, and your breaths were numbered,they told me. All the way to the hospital I sang to you,held your hand. No one on the ambulance told me you were going to be alright because they and I knew you were lucky if you even survived..."

She looked up at me and searched my face,through her tears, for a response. I knew the ending. I was living it. I opened my mouth and managed to dribble."I.. don't remem.." She covered her face in her hands and looked at me.
"Do you remember me?" She shook her head,then nodded it, showing me what I already knew. I shrugged slowly, before doing a 'kind of' gesture with my hand. I did remember her face very vaguely,although I didn't know whether I really did,or whether I was telling myself I did.
The room went quiet for a while. Then she spoke softly, "The Doctors don't have much hope of your legs ever recovering but your arm, they do-a little. You will learn to speak again, and you'll be able to come home in a week and four days. Kyla.. I know you don't remember me, and probably never will fully. But I do know that from now on you will have to ... to remember that I love you and always will. I am your mother and I will never leave you,"She smiled sadly," Before all this mess, for the record you and I always got along,went everywhere together, told each other everything. I knew you like a book. I still do. You will always be Kyla, and well I guess It'll be like getting to know you all over again."

I nodded, and turned away before she could see the fast-flowing tears streaming down my face. She reached up and turned my face towards her, and pulled me into a tight hug while I sobbed violently into her stripped shirt. I recognised that smell faintly and sniffed again making sure I remembered it and flung my good arm tight around her.. When I had finally stopped crying, She kissed me and walked out of the white and blue ward, swinging the doors behind her.

June 16th
"Hello Kyla, are you hungry?" The little coloured nurse asks, just as she sits on my bed."It's a beautiful day outside, and I wish I was out on the beach with my family," she smiles and turns to face me, "It's always not so good weather on my day off, and when I'm working it's lovely-most of the time."
I look at her to show her I'm listening and that I understand. I smile quickly then peer out of the window to have a look at this beautiful day.
"Your mother tell me that you like to be talked to. Well I like talking.." She grins showing a mouth of perfectly straight,but dis-coloured teeth," So I tell you about me. I have not good English but I am OK. I come from Africa, Ghana. Is lovely place,very hot. I come to Ireland to get money for my family. When I come here first, I not like it here, but their are lot of jobs so I begin to like it. I miss my family so I tell them 'Ireland is good place.You come," So my family come and now we are much better. On my day off I bring them to nice place. I am happy now. Good job,nice people and my family here with me.I want to go to Africa again soon but I know Ireland is good place for me. You like here,Kyla?"
I nod, and then shake my head. " Not..here..this place. Yes..Irela.." I break off, shaking with frustration. Why can't I get out the words I want to say!? I know what I want to say but just can't get them out.My eyes well with tears of frustration. I try to blink them back before the nurse sees them.
"Kyla, you talk very well. I know. But you have to wait until your body is ready. Your body is confused. You wait. Don't cry. I stay and help you. I like Kyla. I stay," Her eyes are full of determination and kindness. Her hand grasps mine and she stands up, as my mother and a doctor walks into the room..
My mother is happy, I can tell. Her eyes twinkle as the doctor speaks up,
" Kyla, the tests I did a couple of weeks ago.. to be honest I didn't think they would have come out as well as they have. Your arm will make a full recovery-as from next week you will be starting a therapy session, which will increase your chances," He pauses searching my face for response, "I have also booked you in for classes to help you learn to speak again. That will also commence next week, and I have high hopes that you will be able to speak fluently again in roughly two weeks. The specialists, are excellent and will make sure you will get the attention you need. However your legs.. I can't do anything at the moment,but there is an operation that can eventually help you. You will never be able to use them as you did, but it will be better then nothing. It has been very successful in the past but there is a huge waiting list and I'm afraid you will have to wait some time, that is, if you want to go down that route."
The room fell silent once again. There was hope. I was going to be able to speak again, and my arm would recover but my legs..
Mother knelt down beside me and beamed from ear to ear.
"Kyla, isn't this great?! I am so happy for you..." She pulled me into a tight embrace and kissed me forehead.

Happy.

I was finally able to feel it. Something I thought I never would. Happiness. Hope. A future outside of these four walls. I would make it. I could feel it. A smile crept over my face, and over my entire being...

5 YEARS LATER..

When life gives you lemons,you can either stare and look at them or make lemonade.I made lemonade.

A year after my accident, my leg was operated on and it was a huge success. It gave me freedom to walk for as long as I liked untill I got tired.Then I was happy to go about in my wheelchair for a while. A very,little while. I learned to speak again, as the Doctor promised and my arm almost fully recovered. Some days I still have to go get it checked out though.
Mum and I moved to Australia as the Doctor felt the hot weather would do me good. It did. It made not only me better but it made me happy too. And mum. We are all happy, including my stepdad,Brian. Mum married Brian two years after we moved to Australia and he's great. He's fun, and a super Dad, not only to me, but my new baby brother Liam. So I can happily say yes.

Yes, Kyla Dylans made lemonade when life gave her lemons.

Welcome to YWS. I hope that you are enjoying the site. I have horses myself and I must say that you did a great job writing the first paragraph.

I try to pull her back; I pull hard on the reins but she is not responding. By now I am almost tasting the fear rising through me. We are nearing the last jump jump, Connie’s mane is flapping wildly, dancing in my face. Just as her forelegs begin to rise off the ground, the saddle shifts, throwing me wildly to the left – I grab her mane, willing myself to find a way to make her stop, before she kills me and herself. The sweat is pouring down my face,

This is vivid.I think you did a great job describing it because both people who ride horses and people don't can relate to the main character and understand her situation. Now to the stuff I did not like...

["It's hard to tell Mame, half of her brain is out of use but we don't know whether she recognizes you

I would say half of her brain is destroyed.

Paralysed.. legs.. right arm..Sorry...past.. Horse.. Fall..crushed.. FOREVER..

I don't like the ending. I think it is too abrupt. I think you actually need to explain a little bit if what is going on with the character.
Have a great day. fiction

Hi there!

So this is a very good piece. I think that how you described the whole out-of-control-horse thing was excellent. (even though I've never actually been on a horse, but it sounds good anyway)

Just a few nitpicks:

We are nearing the last jump jump, Connie’s mane is flapping wildly, dancing in my face.

You repeated jump here.

Just as her forelegs begin to rise off the ground, the saddle shifts, throwing me wildly to the left – I grab her mane, willing myself to find a way to make her stop, before she kills me and herself.

I think that this would be better as two sentences (instead of using the dash to separate them)

Mum is a blur, yelling, her red, tear-stained face wobbling to and fro. ‘I’m trying,’ I whisper.

Start a new line everytime someone speaks. Also, you forgot a comma after 'blur'. (sorry, I'm being really picky today )

With a huge effort, I haul myself into the saddle for how long until I’m thrown off again. Connie is red hot, and she I can sense that she is almost as terrified as I am.
“Please stop” I cry. As her pace quickens, I find myself struggling for breath. The fast flow of air swallows my quick, panicky breaths. This is the end, I swallow, as I let my hands slip from the reins, too weak to hold on any longer...

This is really good. I loved the way how you described this, I can really see it happening. Corrections in red.

I lift my arms to rub my eyes, only one reaches to me face.

Should be my face.

My eyes flutter open and I’m confused as I lie underneath crisp, white covers.

This sentence confuses me. The two facts don't connect. I think that this would be better off phrased differently.

“Kyla, oh Kyla,” She sobs, grasping my hand.

Small 's' on 'she'.

She is small, and coloured, her tight bun sitting on the top of a wiry nest.

Corrections in red.

I open my mouth to speak but all that comes out is what sounds like, gurglleee.

I'd say: 'something that sounds like'...

I try to move to get out of the bed and say that I'm fine and ask why she is so upset, and why I can't move.

This is quite long and awkward. Try something like : 'I try to get out of bed and ask why she is so upset... and why I can't move.'

Paralysed.. legs.. right arm..Sorry...past.. Horse.. Fall..crushed.. FOREVER..

I agree with Fiction that this isn't the best way to end. I think that she should overhear more of the conversation, instead of little snippets like this. Also, try to avoid all capitals.

Well, that's all for the nitpicking.

Overall:

This was very interesting and it's a good idea for a story. I would, however, like to know more about Kayla so I can feel some sympathy for her. I know it's hard to fit in to such a short text, but maybe just add a few lines, like how horse riding is important to her, or how her mum helped her get this far... Apart from that, though, you've got some nice descriptions in there, and as a whole it makes for a good read. I look forward to seeing more!

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

~Lilicia

Hey..
Thanks for all the reviews-I'd loveee some more!!
I've made some nesscesry changes, and continued the story a little (I'm struggling for time.. )
Haha Thanks for all your help.. I hope I've gotten across the frustrated atmosphere but also the heart-broken side..
Keep posting-this is my first story on this site, but obviously I've written more!!
Thanks again..
Kakagirl x x

PLEASE POST MORE REVIEWS!! XX

The only problem I had with your story is I'd actually like to read more. I think it's pretty unique simply for the fact i can't say I've read anything from a paralyzed person's point of view. It had a few gramatical errors but those have already been pointed out. I would like to read more of it and good luck on finishing it.

ok so this was amazingly well done in my opinion.

and by the way i was about that close to literally shaking the screen and yelling "FLEX THE STINKING REIGNS!!!!!" lol yeah I'm a cowgirl.

welcome! ^_^

i really liked the first paragraph! i love horses, and that's exactly how i feel when a horse i ride goes out of control.
one thing though is that you shouldn't have the mom shaking her daughter in a hospital, im sure she would be like, arrested for that, but other than that pretty good story. maybe develop a little more into the characters, talk about what she was doing when she fell, i mean i know she was riding a horse, but was she in a show? maybe talk about what she does remember, like she remembers that the people in front of her are doctors, etc. and half her brain can't be destroyed else she probably wouldn't be alive. really good detail though!!

First off I think this a great start which will develop into and exciting story, when you telling us about how she was loosing control of her horse, try to describe it a bit more, what color was the horse, what noises was it making, could you hear a rhythm in the hoofs as they hit the ground. Thank you for posting your story up I enjoyed reading it.

Ooooooooooooooh, what happened!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!? I am DYING to read more!!! What happened to Kyla? Was the beginning a dream? This radiates awesomeness. i Must read more.

Heey guyss..
I am not @ home so I only had a short time to write. I added another little piece and will add more soon-When I get more time... Please keep posting, I'm lovvving you're reviews-they help alot.
Keep them coming guys..
Kakagirl xoxo

This is a very unique but great story! I don't think there is anything I can say that other people haven't already covered I would love to read more! Also, while I love the emotion of loneliness you are playing off of, I feel like there is emotion missing, like there could be more. But I can't quite put my finger on it.... Overall I thought it was a great story and I can't wait to read more!

It's definitely a new kind of story for me. I'm usually one too read the love stories or something, but I enjoyed this. I felt like I was there kind of. I could picture the room, the girl, the nurse, the mom, everything. There are only two things I want to say about correcting it since everyone has basically done the grammar.

1: When it starts out the nurse talks just fine, but then it gets bad when you want it to get bad (after she tells Kyla that her English is bad and that she's from Africa. So I would say to make her speak the same way throughout the whole story.

2: I thought the ending, the 5 Years Later part, for some reason it sounded rushed. I don't know why really, you did good at saying what happened. It's just when I think about it, you explained 5 years in just two paragraphs, but that weird feeling is probably all in my head =]

Other than that, I think this is a nice story. Like I said, I felt like I was there. It doesn't really get boring at any part, nice flow. I like the beginning- Oh! I just thought of something else! lol, this happens to me a lot. The part where her mom is explaining what happened to her, it all seemed big and chunky. At times I had to retrace my reading because I got lost in the many words. If you could possibly break that up a little. Tell us how Kyla feels about what her mom's explaining, that stuff. But as I was saying, I liked the beginning.

Sorry if I was confusing about anything, I can do that sometimes. PM if you have any questions. Keep writing, I look forward to reading more of your work!

-iheartbooks♥

Okay thanks guys. I made some changes (AGAIN!! )
Anyway, I think I'm done with this story the end has happened.. You know TIME TO MOVE ON PEOPLE!! Haha.. but you know keep reviewing-A writer alywas needs advice!!
Check the new story I'm writing: Free Spirit In Action/Adventure Stories.
Sad stories must be my thing..
Haaha..
PM IF YOU WANT ME TO REVIEW ANYTHING..
Kaka x
Oh and thanks again for all the reviews xx

Wow, That's such an inspiring story. The part where it was 5 years later could have had more description on how she recovered but overall its a pretty awesome story