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The House of the Mind



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Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:15 pm
Hiadel says...



The House of the Mind
By Hiadel
The Appalachian mountains sat in the distance as sergeant Mills drove his cop car. His wheels worked hard at climbing the steep grade of asphalt as he made his way to the top. The brown lettering of sheriff that was painted across the sides of his car matched the cliffs around him, and the bright badge reflected that of the sun. He picked up his coffee and took a sip. Today was going to be a good day. He could feel it. It was in the mountain air and the coffee.

---

Driving his rusty truck up the other side of the mountain Eric looked out the side of his window and saw the same beautiful scenery. His face didn’t show the same happiness that Mills had though. It was one instead of disdain and agony. There were eyes that seemed to be bracing for impact and a surrounding weariness in his skin. He was on his way to visiting his mother’s house.

It had been a long time ago since his last visit, and he has reason to not visit again. The only thing that draws him closer is “the family”, the ties that are supposed to exist in our society. Years of scorched feelings, past difficulties, all of these were contributing factors.

He set his eyes on the road before him and drove onward. It was the only thing he could do.

---

Somewhere in a dark place a glass prism hanged, suspended by steel chains. Inside was a man sitting on a stool with a wooden desk in front of him. Through the glass we can see him writing, slowly dragging his pen across paper. There is a small candle on the desk, the only source of light. It showed the chains supporting this wonder trailing up into the distance, slowly fading away as it lost sight of the light. The man at the desk sat there flushing everything out of his mind. Rain few on the scene and dripped off the corners of the glass prism. Little drops turned into larger and heavier ones as other droplets found their way onto the glass. There was no pause, or any peace. It was all a storm.

---

On his dashboard a Hawaiian girl danced for Eric, her hula skirt swinging with the curves in the road. Unlike her hips Eric saw his last encounter with his mother as anything but smooth. He could remember going up to the top of the mountain through the back roads to wind up in her driveway. She’d open up the wooden door to her small cottage and he’d be greeted by her and her cats. He still couldn’t understand how she didn’t know that he was slightly allergic to them. With rashes appearing on his knees he’d sit down and attempt conversation.

“So what’s for lunch?” Eric had said

“Oh, you’ll be so excited! I made your favorite” his mother said, motioning for him to come into the kitchen. Once there he saw a small bowl of grits sitting at the table. He cringed.

“Thanks, mother” he said, pausing. He didn't know what to say.

This memory was interrupted by a car flying from Eric’s left side to cut him off right in front of his truck. The whole dam highway’s open and he chooses to cut me off? A redness showed in his eye as he quickly turned his truck out of the lane. The car that had cut him off sped ahead, leaving him behind.

---

Through the storm that was raging around the glass prism rain could still be heard hard at work. The droplets pounded the glass and went on their way without a word. Then, at that moment, something new came. A single silver droplet fell from the darkness and hit the side of the prism. Even with the thousands of other drops falling with it, this one drop seemed to echo against the glass as it struck. The man at the table stopped writing and looked up; he noticed that something was wrong.

---

After the train that was Eric’s memory had been dislodged he couldn’t seem to get it back on track. All that left for him to think about was the open road ahead of him, and that car that had just cut him off.

Minutes went by and the clouds that were traveling the sky slowly went about their ways.
Again Eric’s mind became distraught. An old woman had slowed down ahead of him, and he couldn’t pass her. They had filled onto a single lane highway. Trying to cast a signal he edged his truck closer to her bumper. The old woman didn’t respond, perhaps she couldn’t see that far behind her. Eric pounded the steering wheel. Go faster! With that hit the train of thought edged back in line and he remembered the story about his mother that he had been thinking over.

After the dinner they went out onto the patio. He remembered feeling disappointed, not in her but in himself. He couldn’t bear to see her like that, living alone with all those cats. He always wished he could do more for her.

On the patio his mother walked to one of the wooden edges and turned back to her son. A look of surprise went across her face.

“Who are you?” she said, pointing at her son.

It was at this moment Eric knew that everything that hadn’t already been crumbling to pieces made its way south.

The rails on his train rattled as he lost control of his thoughts. He couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Eric floored the petal of his truck and tried to pass the old woman in front of him. He pulled over into the oncoming lane and swept past her.

---

The storm around the glass prism let out a loud gush and rained more silver droplets onto the scene. The man stood up from his stool and looked around. His eyes couldn’t read the scene. He was in the dark.

---

Sergeant Mills was around the bend and saw Eric darting out of the oncoming lane. He was going well over the speed limit. Seeing the opportunity to fill his quota Mills raced after Eric with his lights on.

Eric didn’t stop though. Instead of slowing down he sped up. Mills watched as Eric’s old truck was barely making it through the curves of the mountain road. Disaster danced within Mill’s eyes. This was leading Eric nowhere.

They rounded another corner in their chase and from his view Eric could see a sharp turn in the road. Bracing himself he turned hard, but his truck couldn’t make it.

---

Lightning struck the openness that engulfed the prism. The man inside turned towards it. From its direction he could hear a roar echoing in the distance. The chains supporting this wonder rattled and shook.

A metal monster hit the prism. It tore the glass apart as it made its way to the man inside of it and ate him whole. A loud engine and pistons accompanied it. Steam billowed from its top as it disposed of the man. The candle went out, and so did everything else.
Writing is the magical release of emotion from your fingertips. Why on earth do people wish to be wizards when you have writing!
  





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Thu Jul 22, 2010 10:50 pm
L5na2 says...



Okay I just don't really understand where this was going. I mean it didn't feel smooth saw the compare and contrast of the cop and Eric.... but after that I was kind of lost. I also would like to suggest that when you describe stuff like...

The Appalachian mountains sat in the distance as sergeant Mills drove his cop car. His wheels worked hard at climbing the steep grade of asphalt as he made his way to the top. The brown lettering of sheriff that was painted across the sides of his car matched the cliffs around him, and the bright badge reflected that of the sun. He picked up his coffee and took a sip. Today was going to be a good day. He could feel it. It was in the mountain air and the coffee.

Don't brake up some of the details it just doesn't sound good, smooth and I would take out some of the sentences that are redundant . The brown lettering and the badge isn't necessary . if you want any help or you want me to come back and look let me know
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 7:32 am
FeatherBlue says...



Okay, hello there.

As I was reading through, I couldn't help but notice that some of it seemed forced almost, and it felt awkward and not as smooth as it could have been. There were some unnecessary details. It almost felt like you were trying to stretch the story for word count. Here's an example:

The Appalachian mountains sat in the distance as sergeant Mills drove his cop car. His wheels worked hard at climbing the steep grade of asphalt as he made his way to the top.


This could have been written like this:

The Appalachian Mountains sat in the distance as sergeant Mills drove his car up the steep grade of asphalt.


Aside from combining the two sentences, you might notice that I've taken out the word 'cop'. I did this because there is a neat trick that can be used here in the first paragraph. Don't tell the reader right off that he's a cop, get the readers to keep reading and use description and quietly let the reader know what he is. The next sentence after the first two is a good example:

The brown lettering of sheriff that was painted across the sides of his car matched the cliffs around him, and the bright badge reflected that of the sun.


In this one you've described his car and the badge, tipping off the reader that he's in law enforcement. However, this one still seems a little forced. So change it a little bit, maybe make it more like this:

"Sheriff" was painted across the side of his car in an earthy brown, matching the cliffs hanging over the road, and his badge was barely gleaming in the pale morning light.


Don't be afraid to play with sentence structure a little bit. There are different ways to write the same thing. If I'm unsure with how a sentence is, I usually read it out loud and see if it sounds natural, like something I would say or read to someone.

He picked up his coffee and took a sip. Today was going to be a good day. He could feel it. It was in the mountain air and the coffee.


This would be good as a separate paragraph from the first. This would also present a good chance to describe the taste or smell of the coffee if you wanted to.

From here on, I'll get to the technical stuff. I'll skip the first paragraph since I've went over it some already.
Red=Changed, or added.
Green+strike=removed
Blue=Confused

Driving his rusty truck up the other side of the mountain, Eric looked out the side of his window and saw the same beautiful scenery. His face didn’t show the same happiness that Mills had though. Instead, it was one of disdain and agony. His eyes seemed to be bracing for impact.and a surrounding weariness in his skin. He was on his way to visiting his mother’s house.

It had been a long time ago since his last visit, and he had convinced himself that he'd had a reason not to visit again. The only thing that draws him closer is “the family”, the ties that are supposed to exist in our society. Years of scorched feelings, past difficulties, all of these were contributing factors.


"and a surrounding weariness in his skin" Confused me, so I say get rid of it or use something else to describe how he feels or how he is, like bags under his eyes or something. "he has reason to not visit again" just sounds off, so I switched it with something else, though I doubt my change was much better. The sentences in blue leave me a little confused. A better explanation could go there, also part of the reason I changed the "he has reason to not visit again" part. If he has a reason to not visit, then the reader will get confused too, and then wonder: Why is he visiting then? Needs some better clarification of some sort.

Somewhere in a dark place, a glass prism hung, suspended by steel chains. Inside was a man sitting on a stool with a wooden desk in front of him. Through the glass we can see him writing, slowly dragging his pen across paper. There is a small candle on the desk, the only source of light. It reflected off of the chains supporting this strange room, trailing up into the distance, and slowly fading into the darkness. The man at the desk sat there flushing everything out of his mind diligently. Rain fell on the scene and dripped off the prism's corners. Little drops turned into larger and heavier ones as more of them found their way onto the glass. There was no pause, or any peace. It was all a storm.


I really liked this paragraph! There were a few things, but I noticed your sentence structure was a bit stronger in this one. Good work! I changed the 5th sentence in this one though to give it a better flow. One tip that I've found useful for creating a nice flow, is to try to refrain from using the same describing word too much or often in the same paragraph. Sometimes it's okay, but in the sentence right above it, you'd already used the word 'light'.

I don't have much time to go over the rest of it, so I can't write all the errors in the other paragraphs, so I'll just tell you the general errors that I found.

Mostly, there was a lack of commas and the sentence structure could use some work. Also, the flash backs (were they flash backs?) were confusing and there were some words missing in some sentences.

Overall:
It has potential, and as I read I could see your writing improving at some points. Just keep writing and I'm sure you'll get better.The plot was strange, but intriguing. Is it just me, or was I getting the idea that the little man in the prism was in Eric's mind or something? XD

*Side note: I live somewhere in the Appalachian Mountains, so when I was reading this I could relate to some of the stuff (specifically the rusty truck, scenery, cliffs, and etc.) in it. :3
<.< .... >.>
~Points finger accusingly~
"It was the plot bunny's fault!!" DX
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Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:13 am
CSheperd says...



It was a very vague story and included details that fit pretty awkward in the rythm of the story. The plot could use some sharpening too.
  





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Thu Aug 26, 2010 6:38 am
onceuponatim3xo says...



Hello!

This was a very interesting story and I was very intrigued by it. You have a way of keeping the reader's attention.

I'm not really a fan of how much you change viewpoints though. I feel like you should definitely give more depth to Eric so that the reader can feel more attached to him. Also, at first he seems to dislike his mother far too much, just because of her cats and food... but then it seems as though he loves her and wants the best for her. I'm confused by his sudden change of heart, also I'm confused with exactly what kind of a relationship he has with his mother. I think that you should definitely try to clear that up.

Also, I'd love to see some more character development with the grandma, the only things we know about her are that she has cats, grits, and Alzheimers. Maybe try to work in a childhood memory or something?

I think that it would be great if you wrote more about Officer Mills so that the reader can decide whether or not they like him. Besides, his point of view was only a few sentences and it made the frequent change of POV seem even more choppy. I think that you should try to lengthen each POV so that it doesn't seem as though you change it every few sentences, and that way we can also get a sense of character development.

Finally, I'm not so sure about the whole "losing his train of thought" all the time, you try too hard to use that phrase of a train all the time. Try to only use it once and for the other times say that his thoughts drifted or he got off-topic.

All in all, great idea for a plot, just try to work on character development and how things flow.
Keep writing.
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It is better to travel well than to arrive.
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Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:15 pm
megsug says...



This story confused me. I liked the idea but wasn't sure of the meaning. If you could go into more detail on Eric's relationship with his mother and the man writing that would be great.
Test
  








If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing.
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