Young Writers Society

Amanti Bram stared out into the blue sea. The sea was clear and you could see the animals swimming down beneath.
No one was around, it was a time when you got to relax.You learn to appreciate free time, when you're the King of you of Katoral, the largest land mass on the planet. About most of Maruon was sea, with small islands.Their were two large land masses, ruled by kings. One were people lived peacefully another was mostly barren and was a demon's cave. He looked into the waters and looked at his head. He had become old, once he was a new king, all shiny and handsome. Now all that faded away and he was gray and had 10 children ,all from different mothers. Only one lived at the sky palace, He was a rude brute. Being King did not give you chances to raise your children right. He knew that was a big excuse,now that child, oldest of the bunch set off to kill him. He had body guards outside , encase he got out of his room.
He rose up, he was hungry. His face displayed as if he had saw a ghost. Standing their was his son with a large sharp dagger.
"well hello",he said rearing with a dagger gleaming.
" It doesn't have to be this way",King Bram shouted.
" well it does",he said.
" now old man", He launched at King Bram,"where is the map?"
"Some where you'll never find it you demon",King Bram sneered with a knife by his neck.
The deranged son dropped the knife from his father's neck,"then die!"
He launched at King Bram for the kill, King Bram dodged him and the son fell into the water.
He made way for the door and turned around,"PETER LEARN TO SWIM!!"The old man yelled and ran through the door. He heard Peter shouting obscenities, as he passed two dead guards.
King Bram knew he had to warn The Nora's, for the first part of the prophecy meaning it was all true. About a thousand of years ago, a prophecy was made that a girl by the name of Nora would find the Orah's heart and put the world at peace and a golden age would come over.
He ran into his room, pressed a combination on a wall and it opened, to reveal a closet with a crystal box. He grabbed it and ran from the room threw the castle , towards the stables.
He got on top of a horse and quickly reigned it and burst out of the castle stable doors.
Not soon after , Peter along with 3 black haired women reigned their horses and pulled out swords. Not after they left Lady Askerwind( King Bram's personal knight)followed suite, these demons weren't going to murder her responsibility.

King Bram made his way toward the bookshop, and the Nora compound. It was almost morning, and the chances of being mobbed where zero. He heard approaching hovers,and pulled out a dagger, he reigned the horse around to face Peter and his band of Hench-woman.
Peter lead his horse forward with a large sword,King Bram willed his horse forward and slashed with his dagger.
Peter was on the floor,his index finger was missing and his sword handle was split in half.
" Kill him,Now", he cursed the old man.
"come on , Grandpa", one slashed at his horse, causing the horse to reel and causing to fall into a heap. One hit him across the face with the handle of her sword as his horse sped off.
He fell to the floor. Another came forth and raised her sword about to descend on his back.
As the sword descended the yell of Lady Askerwind rose into the air off her horse , sword intact. At the same time, she stabbed one assassin and slashed the other, but sadly not in time before the sword spiraled into the king's back. He yelled,"Moira,"as the sword came out of his back. In totally rage, Lady Askerwind stabbed the assassin right in her heart.She pulled out the sword and the assassin fell next to her victim. Lady Askerwind launched forward at King Abram's side. She tried to clot the wound with her bare hands.
"Don't worry about that....get me there..." King Abram muttered.
She picked up the light old man and placed her onto her horse along with the crystal box on the floor.
The Nora's house was large, it was half the size of the bookstore, which took up acres. The bookstore was the 10Th largest bookstore on the planet. The house was build out of farflax, a combination of stone and seashell.
The house had 10 rooms varying in size.
Kara Nora was laying on a bed with her husband sitting next to her along with 2 doctors.There was a knock on the door. Her husband,Kit Nora went over to the door grunting."What is it now?"
Lady Askerwind burst in carrying King Bram holding onto the crystal case.
"The king, what happened to him", asked Kit in horror.
" His son had a band of women to kill him"Lady Askerwind laid him on a nearby couch.
One doctor went over to the king, only to get a stern waving off from him.
In his dying breath, King Bram whispered something to Lady Askerwind and she left his side.
He motioned Kit to come over.
"Give the sword to her when the day is right",the old man rasped as he handed the crystal box to Kit.
" I shall never forget you, your legend will go down in books".Kit muttered.The king didn't respond,Kit slowly went back over to the bed where his wife lay.

Kara Nora grunted as she started to get contractions,the King started to ramble in his last moments.He was bleeding from the mouth. The doctors( one at one end ,another next to her husband)motioned for Kara to push. She screamed and squeezed her husband's hand.Kit felt the feeling go out of his hand. King Abram started to lose breath. Kara shouted another loud scream. The King closed his eyes for the last time. In a blink,Kara was holding a newborn crying child. The king was dead,at the same time new life was born. A death gave birth to a birth. To what would change the world forever.
It was a bittersweet moment, for the Nora's knew Katoral was soon to be doomed and part of the prophecy had been fulfilled.

Hello there

The sea was clear and you could see the animals swimming down beneath. I want to know more. Add a little more about the sea to create or set the proper mood.

Their were two large land masses, ruled by kings.

One were people lived peacefully another was mostly barren and was a demon's cave.Try revising this line. Maybe you meant,
In one of the lands people lived peacefully, and the other was just barren and was a demon cave.

Your writing definitely needs work in terms of grammar, punctuation and spelling. The story line sounds very interesting but with more writing you can definitely improve.

Keep writing.

overall, i thought this story was pretty confusing, and i lost interest half way through. you didn't flucuate your sentaces, and you added commas in places that periods should have gone, and periods in places commas should have gone, which resulted in something that didn't seem... right. i liked your idea, but you need to explain what this prophecy is, why his son wants to kill him, and other things that really should be in there. in the begginning of the story you use the word "you" a lot.

CardDragon wrote:The sea was clear and you i'm not there, so i can't see it. use the word he or something to describe what the kings saying instead of telling the reader what they can or can't see. could see the animals swimming down beneath. No one was around, it was a time when you again, im not relaxing because this is not a time when i can relax for me. so why are you telling me i can? =) got to relax.You learn to appreciate free time, when you're the mc is the king of katoral, not me. i've never even heard of katoral.the King of you of Katoral, the largest land mass on the planet.

you had quite a few gramatical errors, so make sure you proof read your work, and do spell check also. =)

Hello, CardDragon.

Amanti Bram stared out into the blue sea. The sea Instead of using repetition of sea, you can just change "The sea" to "It". was clear and you could see the animals The word animals just doesn't seem fit for this. It would look much better if you just put fish. swimming down beneath.

No one was around, it was a time when you got to relax.You learn to appreciate free time, Take out this comma. when you're the King of you of Katoral, the largest land mass on the planet. About most of Maruon was sea, with small islands.Space.Their There were two large land masses, ruled by kings. One was were people lived peacefully another was mostly barren and was a demon's cave. He looked into the waters and looked at his head reflection. Repetition of looked. He had become old, once, he was a new king, all shiny and handsome. Now all that faded away and he was gray and had 10 ten children( close space ),Space.all from different mothers. Only one lived at the sky palace, He was a rude brute. What is this referring to? Being King did not give you chances to raise your children right. He knew that was a big excuse,Space.now that his child, oldest of the bunch, set off to kill him. He had body guards outside( close space ), encase in case he got out of his room.

He rose up, he was hungry. His face displayed as if he had saw a ghost. Standing their was his son with a large sharp dagger.

"Well, hello", Take out this comma and put it behind "hello". he said, rearing with a dagger gleaming.

"( close gap )It doesn't have to be this way",King Bram shouted.

" Well it does",Space.he said. Same rule here as above.

" Now old man", he launched at King Bram,"where is the map?" Same as above.

"Some where you'll never find it, you demon",Space.King Bram sneered with a knife by his neck.

The deranged son dropped the knife from his father's neck,"Then die!!!!!!" Excessive amount of exclamation points. One would do just fine.

He launched at King Bram for the kill, King Bram dodged him and the son fell into the water.

He made way for the door and turned around,Space."PETER, LEARN TO SWIM!!"Space.The old man yelled and ran through the door. He heard Peter shouting obscenities, as he passed two dead guards.

Okay, I stopped halfway through this because, when I scrolled down, I saw that your errors are pretty repetitive, and, by the corrections I've given above, I figure you could figure this out on your own.

I couldn't really get into this piece. There were a lot of grammar problems and repetition. At first, the description was good but then, as I read on, the description became less and less until you were barely describing anything at all. You have a good plot but the story in general needs more work. If you clean this up a bit and fix your mistakes, this could be something really good. Hope I helped!


ReisePiecey!

Ridiculous, I had to write this story quick and you don't have time to check for grammar mistakes.Though I do admit, I went to fast in writing this, my house isn't the best place to write. Plus there are assorted animals under water, not just fish.
Honestly can you infer?
Well I have quite a temper ...
Thanks for reviewing..

Hey Torigirl 16 do you read books? Obviously not much....I'm writing it as if the reader were the king.
One note of advice, you should try to think out of the box... Katoral is on another planet!
You gave no advice, it was just like you where telling me to write how you would like it written.

the girl who reviewed you wasn't far off from the truth. I'm not gonna get on you for grammar or anything like that. I couldn't really finish it. It could be something but most of the story was just random bits of the story getting chucked at the reader as you went. Anything that was explained was too matter-of-factish and didn't flow all too well. You had long sentences in the worst spots for them and short sentences when they're inneffective. It wasn't bad, but it could use some work.

says the high school drop out...

This needs work. It needs to be broken up into paragraphs and I noticed in the beginning that you are showing not telling and thats like one of the top rules you follow if you want people to be drawn into your stories. When you write you need a strong start to the story and yours just.....wasn't sorry. I sure if you really gave more thought to what picture you are trying to implant in peoples minds than your story will turn out all the better.

Cardyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I'm reviewing for you today! Have I ever told you that I love the way you write and what you write? Well... I I haven't is true. Just remember to re-read your topic before posting it, okay? See ya around, buddy! xD

You learn to appreciate free time, when you're the King of you of Katoral, the largest land mass on the planet.

I'm guessing you wanted to say... "You learn to appreciate free time, when you're the king of Katoral, the largest land mass on the planet."

Their were two large land masses, ruled by kings.

There were two large land masses, ruled by kings.

He had body guards outside , encase he got out of his room.

He had body guards outside, in case he got out of his room.

"well hello",he said rearing with a dagger gleaming.

"Well, hello", he said rearing with a dagger gleaming.

" well it does",he said.

"Well, it does", he said.

" now old man", He launched at King Bram,"where is the map?"

"Now, old man", he launched at King Bram, "Where is the map?"

"Some where you'll never find it you demon",King Bram sneered with a knife by his neck.

"Somewhere. You'll never find it, you demon", King Bram sneered with a knife by his neck.