Young Writers Society

This is part if the second chapter of the novel i'm writing, and i'm somewhat reluctant to let anyone look at this. It may not completely make sense, because it is part of a fantastical world, and the story had already started by the time this scene happens. Please do not pound my baby.






The old armory was a low stone building in the west side of the city, long since abandon and claimed by nature. The courtyard behind it was disused and only slightly overgrown. Large and flat as the desert, it was perfect for a duel.

Artemis sat a low stone bench by the courtyard gate and waited for his opponent. I wish it could turn Cerian into a toad. He thought sulkily as he steeled himself for what was to come.

The gate creaked, admitting three dark figures. “Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear.” Artemis muttered under his breath. “Let’s get this over with.” He said to Cerian. They drew and crossed sword, the razor-sharp steel glinting in the moonlight. Cannon and Syron, Cerian’s companions, stood guard.

“On guard!” Cerian shouted, and Artemis’s doom began. They parried and slashed, and a web of steel quickly wove itself around Artemis’s sword. The sound of metal on metal filled the courtyard. Action. Reaction. With no time for thought. To win or to die by the sword.

Artemis felt the sting of steel biting into his arm, and warm blood ran down his wrist. He furiously tried to block Cerian, though every blow jarred his hand. The sword was growing heavy, and he was having trouble keeping a secure hold on it. His blows slowed, and Cerian pushed through his guard.

The flat of Cerian’s sword smashed into Artemis’s side, and he fell to his knees. He bowed his head, and tried to accept defeat. “I’m sorry, Araminta.” He whispered into the unforgiving black of the night.

A belated surge of adrenaline rushed through his blood as Cerian raised his sword for the final blow. As the blade came down, Artemis involuntarily fastened his hand around the other boy’s ankle and yanked as hard as he could.

Cerian twisted around as he went down, dragging Artemis with him. Artemis caught a quick glimpse of the sword, deadly-sharp edge facing up, before Cerian fell on top of it. He gave a gargled, desperate cry, then was still.

Artemis tugged his hand out from under him, cutting his wrist on the edge of the sword, but feeling no pain. He stared in uncomprehending horror at the boy beside him, thick, wet blood staining the ground scarlet. It wasn’t his own. No. No.

Hello, Sierra.

Background stuff you may want to know:
*Cerian is the MC's arch nemesis
*Araminta is the MC's twin sister.
*The MC is not so good at swordplay.

This is the perfect example of telling and not showing. By posting this, you just passed up a perfect chance to show us all these things. This really throws me off and makes me reluctant to read this. Giving away spoilers is not good at all. I cannot stress enough how much this is just disarming. I suggest just cutting this completely and showing us in your words how he's bad at swordplay, how Araminta is his twin, and how Cerian is his arch enemy.

The old armory was a low stone building in the west side of the city, long since abandon and claimed by nature.

Change 'in' to 'on'.

I wish it could turn Cerian into a toad.

'It' should be changed into 'I'.

They drew and crossed swords, the razor-sharp steel glinting in the moonlight.

As the blade came down, Artemis involuntarily fastened his hand around the other boy’s ankle and yanked as hard as he could.

Just scratch the word involuntarily. It just messes up the whole screen.


Well, this wasn't horrible but it wasn't really amazing either, and my saying that is mostly because of my confusion. I understand this is the second chapter of a novel, but I still have no idea what's going on. Why are they fighting? Why is he apologizing to his sister? I suggest posting the first chapter of this to clear things up.


ReisePiecey!

i really enjoyed reading this, but i think you could have included a little more detail in the intensity of the battle, or some of the moves that the people used while battling.
it was a good section of writing though! i hope you continue it.

Sierra wrote: I wish it could turn Cerian into a toad.

the only thing that really stood out to me as confusing was this section. what is it? maybe that's explained in another chapter, but i thought that you maybe could have explained that. =)

Yay! More exciting writing to review! I liked this and would like to see more of it. Like I said a day or two ago, you could benefit from some more description of the scene. However it was an intense little fight and was fun to read. A bit that I thought didn't make sense was that Cerian was about to deliver "the final blow," but Artemis was upset when Cerian ended up on his own sword. It could be that Artemis is a good guy, which would be nice, but that would be a good thing to clear up either before or after this part of the story. I hope I helped and that you keep writing. ^_^

It is a good story, but I agree with ReicePiecey you should describe the characters a bit more along with the fighting scene.
For example you can use...
1. slashed
2.lurched
3. struck
4. stabbed
Believe me I written several books with sword fighting.
Action scenes should be exact, not having the reader to guess what happened. That is all I had a problem with, the rest of the story was brilliant. Thanks for opening up your sacred story...
With all dew respect, CardDragon.

it was a good story, you should've included the first part of your story too. I would've liked to seen more characterization other than the spoiler.

Your writing is pretty solid and it flowed well- that part was very good. No grammar or punctuation errors that I caught.

*Cerian is the MC's arch nemesis
*Araminta is the MC's twin sister.
*The MC is not so good at swordplay.

Delete this- it turns people off and, honestly, you don't need it. Readers want to be shown the world your character lives in, not given a run-down of the facts then thrown into the story. Besides, you don't need to tell us. The first and last star I picked up from your writing without needing to be told. The middle one is unnecessary- its fine if your character's begging forgiveness from someone we haven't met yet, and you'll have plenty of time later in your story to mention his twin sister when the need for her arises.
That's my only nitpick, though- nice job on this.
Good Luck!!

The story fragment was really too short to get a feel of it, to develop themes, characterisations and plot lines. However, like your other stories (we, my daughter and I, have read all your portfolio) it has the basis of a really good story. Why not post the rest of this one?

My eight year old says this:

This story was a bit hard to decide about. I thought the end bit was quite touching. When you said 'abandon' do you mean 'abandoned'?

I believe that this fight could've been greatly intensified if you described things a tad more. Like, let's say, the specific movements and attacks they made to one another. That would definitely hook the reader to the story and quickly get them interested. Besides that, there's really nothing else that I saw that requires me to bring it to your attention. Everyone else pretty much said everything I was going to say, anyways. Oh, that was a nice ending, by the way. It certainly caught my attention and it was a nice twist.

Nice job.

I really enjoyed this, the way you describe the way the character is works perfectly for the situation used here, I really hope you keep writing!

this was a good excerpt. i would want to see more description about the characters and settings. the fight scene seem a little flat but i think you can add more to spice it up. good work and keep writing.

This is a very nice, solid piece of writing. It left me wanting to know more about the characters and why they're dueling. As some others pointed out, you could improve it by adding more detail to the fight itself. I would also like to point out that the traditional term for "on guard" is "en garde." But, that's just the technical fencing term. I'm just not sure whether that was on purpose or not. Anyway, I really like the line:

The sound of metal on metal filled the courtyard. Action. Reaction. With no time for thought. To win or to die by the sword.

The short phrases mirror the intensity of the scene.
Overall, I thought it was a good excerpt, and I'd like to see more. Thanks for sharing!