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War of 2201: Reminiscing the Good Old Days (1)



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Fri Aug 06, 2010 6:52 pm
TheGreatIthy says...



April 8, 2210
I noticed something while checking on the cargo last night: It’s been pretty fucking quiet on this damn ship since everyone left! Really, I believe sometimes that the only thing keeping me sane now is this journal, and yet the very act of writing in it brings back unwelcome memories that may or may not make me insane faster. Some would call these memories ‘The Good Old Days’ but they weren’t that great really. The company of other living things is the only thing I miss from back then. Maybe I should get a dog.
Well, either way, I can’t be bothered to clean or garden, so the former great Garden Ship Eden has turned into the now Filthy Cargo Ship Eden. I can’t help but think of what Clea would say if she were still here. Seeing that girl pissed off was one of the few things that put a smile on my face. Hell, the very memory does! Well, I guess I can be grateful that they left me with Eden. She may be dirty, but she has turned into a great source of profit over the years.
You see, the war has created a resistance. This resistance has situated themselves throughout the galaxy, but this thin spread has created a problem. They are having trouble transporting weapons, packages and information from one settlement to another. That’s where I come in. I saw their need for these things, so I offered to help by transporting them for a price. They pay upon delivery or I keep it and sell it to someone else. Be it Ithian or Galactic Alliance.
Needless to say, I have made enemies. There are some areas I can never go to without risking my life, but even war has its slow periods. I was running low on money, so I accepted a job that no one else would take for a payoff that will fund my retirement. The risk was not only death, but possible torture beforehand. I had to make a delivery to ground zero, Earth.
Before the war, I heard that Earth was actually a nice place to be, but that’s no longer true. The rogue ‘God’ who calls himself ‘The Great Ithy’ founded a religion called Ithianism and, nine years ago, decided to take over. In 2206, he succeeded and Earth is now the Ithians capital planet making the Galactic Alliance retreat to Prime, a former capital outpost. Now, for weapons smugglers like myself, a trip to either planet will probably result in death, but Earth has unique problems. I don’t know the details, but my old captain once told me:
“If the soldiers don’t get you, the monsters will.”
He was an old war veteran, so I believed him. I put Earth on my ‘No-Go’ list. I would risk any other settlement, even Prime, but Earth was off limits. That was until someone started to take my clients. This person was apparently more efficient and faster than me, so, low on jobs and money, I was forced to take one last run. This run promised enough money for my retirement so I could leave smuggling to the newbie. I don’t have the patience or the equipment to deal with him.


April 10, 2210

I arrived early and was surprised to find next to no orbital security. Even the most basic of colonies has an orbital security of some kind that I would have to maneuver around, but I couldn’t see anything around Earth, the one planet I thought would have the most. I was suspicious, but took it as a good omen for me. If they were planning an attack, they would divert their forces to the surface to refuel before launching out all together. In that time, I could easily sneak in and out before anyone and hopefully anything noticed.
I landed in the meeting place ahead of schedule and took the time to set up. It confused me that my contact had sent me the co-ordinates of a dried up river bed that was completely visible from all sides, but I really had no choice but to believe them. In any other circumstance, I would say, ‘screw it’ and leave, but I couldn’t pass up the money. I would have to risk discovery and just be ready to bail on a moment’s notice. That wasn’t much of a problem for me, but I found myself wishing I had a team to back me up for this one mission at least.
The entire area seemed to be a wasteland. Nothing grew outside or inside the river bed and the ground was cracked from the sunlight and heat. Burnt trees littered the landscape and the wind seemed to carry the dirt effortlessly. It made me nervous to say the least. I was sweating and it wasn’t only because of the immense heat of the area. I put on my dirty, worn out trench coat and grabbed my pistol and stepped outside to wait.
It wasn’t long before a ship landed in front of me. It was a small shuttle that was just big enough to carry my cargo when we made the transaction. The buyers must have known that I may have been nervous being on Earth and they were compensating for that, or the more likely scenario was that a shuttle like that was probably the only thing that can fly undetected in the planet. If that were true, I got to wondering if I was just lucky to have been able to land with no sign of resistance.
I rested my hand on my pistol. It was a Model 500 Magnum Revolver. For those who aren’t very gun-savvy (much like me, really), just know that it is a massive motherfucker. It was given to me by my old captain, Creed before he left to parts unknown. He said that I would be able to handle the beast, but I really doubted that. I had never really had the chance to shoot it, though, as its sheer size is usually enough to scare someone would be attacker away.
The back of the shuttle opened to reveal a small black haired woman. She wore brown clothing and a red head-band that signified her allegiance with the resistance.
“You Vick?” She called out to me.
“Yeah.” I called back.
“Got the merchandise?”
“If you have the payment, I have what you need right here.”
“Can I see it?” I chuckled. She must have been new to not know the basic protocol I followed religiously.
“Sorry, hun. Protocol for this kind of delivery is for me to see the money first.”
“That’s not proper protocol.” I chuckled again. She didn’t seem to like that.
“I don’t know if you’ve been briefed on this, but that’s my protocol. I outlined it to whoever gave me this job.” The woman glared at me, and then slowly bent to grab a suitcase. I rested my hand on my weapon. For some reason, I didn’t trust this deal. My gut told me to get out, and I would have listened. If only it were under normal circumstances. The way things were at the moment, I really couldn’t afford to bail on the deal.
“Let’s meet in the middle.” She called out and I nodded. The only way the deal would get done was if we met on equal ground. That part always made me nervous. That day was worse. I was all too aware of my surroundings. The heat seemed to intensify making me feel claustrophobic. I felt as if I were trapped. My feet wanted to run, but I willed them to move forward. I was pretty quick and accurate with a gun, but I was only one person. If I was ever injured, no one would ever notice my absence.
As we approached each other, I got a good look at her features. She was pretty attractive, actually. Dark, tanned skin, her hair was dirty, but that only seemed to make her even more attractive under the sun. She looked to be oriental, but I couldn’t really be sure. The heat was starting to get suffocating. I knew if she were to attack, I wouldn’t be able to react fast enough. The heat was too distracting.
“Here.” She said and threw the briefcase in front of me. As I bent to look inside, she got a call on her radio and I froze.
“Is he there?” The voice asked. It was familiar. Too familiar.
“We’re meeting now.” The woman said.
“Wait,” I cut in, “who is that?”
“The one who placed the order. I thought you spoke to him. He was the one who hired me to get it.” That wasn’t true. I would have not forgotten the voice, yet it was still familiar. I needed to know who he was.
“Can I speak to him?”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Why do you --?” I grabbed the radio from her hand and pushed the button to speak.
“Hello?”
“Hey give that back!” The woman yelled and reached out to grab the radio from me. I jumped out of the way and spoke into it again.
“Come in!”
“What the hell!” She tried to grab it from me again, but I was still able to evade her. I drew my pistol and pointed it at her. She stopped moving.
“Hello there, Vick.” The voice chimed in through the radio. That was all I needed. I knew exactly who her employer was.
“Elson!” I yelled into the radio, “What, now you are a part of the resistance? Tell me where you are so I can kick your ass!”
“You two know each other?” The woman asked. I ignored her, Elson came back on.
“No, I’m not part of the resistance. I’m a Galactic Alliance Commander now. From now on, I’d appreciate it if you referred to me as Commander Elson.”
“Forget it! You are a no good sell out! We have no deal here; I don’t care what the pay is!”
“Oh, I never intended to deal with you. Lyn here was hired to kill you.” I dropped the radio and looked up. The woman – Lyn – was pointing her gun at me. I realized at that point that my own gun wasn’t even cocked. She had me.
“So you tricked me.” I said, “Well I guess it was only a matter of time before my past came back to haunt me.”
“You’re not part of the war, are you?”
“No, of course not! I’m just here to make a living, but the Galactic Alliance doesn’t seem to want to give me any breaks nowadays.”
“Shit!”
“What?” Her attention was grabbed by something beyond the river bed.
“The Ithians are coming. Come on, we’re taking your ship!”
“Huh? What about --?” The sounds of the shouting men became louder.
“Just go!” We ran back onto Eden and I closed the doors. I led her up to the bridge and started up the ship.
“We’re not gonna make it!” I said.
“Just fly, I’ll handle the rest.” What had caused the sudden change in her? She could have shot me, or left me and still had a chance to get away. I shook it out of my mind. It didn’t matter; my priority was getting off the ground before we were caught. Out of my windows, I caught a glimpse of tanks and countless infantry closing in on us. All for us. Were we that important?
Again, I didn’t have time to care. As soon as Eden warmed up, I took off. The tanks fired, but missed. By the time they had reloaded, we were flying away from Earth out of their range.


“That’s some skill you have there.” Lyn said as she walked into my bridge.
“How do you think I survived so long on my own?”
“Good point. So, how do you know Commander Elson?”
“First things first, uhhh, Lyn is it?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, Lyn,” I turned my chair around and met her eyes, “are you going to kill me or not?”
“No, I never planned to. Commander Elson never met my fee.” Before I could say another word, Lyn swore loudly and started to scramble around my bridge looking for something, “Where is it?” She yelled without looking up, “Where is it, where is it!?”
“Calm down! What the fuck are you talking about!?”
“The money!”
“What money?”
“The money I gave you!”
“There was actual money in there?”
“Shit! You left it there, didn’t you?”
“Well, I thought an assassin wouldn’t bring actual money!”
“It’s called details! You would’ve figured it out if I didn’t!” We argued like this for another 10 or 20 minutes though we both knew where it would end up. We had to go back for the money.
Last edited by TheGreatIthy on Thu Sep 02, 2010 12:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
Bees: They sting because they love!!

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Fri Aug 06, 2010 7:16 pm
horsegirl2 says...



Interesting. The only nit-pick I have for you is sometimes I couldn't tell who was speaking. Be sure to make it clear who is speaking. It was a very interesting story and I was drawn right in.
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Fri Aug 06, 2010 8:55 pm
aspiringauthor17 says...



In the first paragraph, I think you should say, "Really, I truly believe"

In the second paragraph, I think you should say, "Hell, the very memory still does."

I really like your third paragraph.

In the fifth paragraph, I think you should take out "called Ithianism" because it's pretty obvious. I mean, what else would the religion be called?

When the "old captain" speaks you should just put a comma and quotation marks, not a colon.

In the eighth paragraph, I think you should take out the word "hopefully".

The word "coordinates" does not have a hyphen in it.

In the tenth paragraph, I think you should say, "Nothing grew in or outside", instead of "Nothing grew outside or inside." You could at least put inside first. It's traditional. Just ask anyone.

Make sure it is clear what character is speaking because I had a difficult time trying to follow the dialogue that you wrote.

~Lindsay
  





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Sat Aug 07, 2010 1:16 am
TheGreatIthy says...



Thank you for the input, and I will probably fix it before the next post. Especially the errors with knowing who is talking when. I just got on, so I posted the first chapter of a short story series I'm trying to get off the ground as a test. I was a little surprised with the spacing I got but maybe that's because I just copy pasted from the word document (?). It doesn't look too bad... In either case, I really appreciate the feedback and I hope you continue to read my posts, I know I'll be reading yours!
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Wed Aug 11, 2010 2:06 am
Torigirl15 says...



in the beginning when your mc first mentions taking the job that goes to earth she says something about it paying her retirement, and then you mention her retirement again at the end of the chapter... you should probably change one of those because it doesn't sound right if you leave it in.
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

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Life is the art of drawing sufficient conclusions from insufficient premises.
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