Young Writers Society

Books,thought Stacy, a lot of books.
The Nora Bookstore spanned to what seemed like miles on top of miles,though it was only twice as large as a normal building. Stacy Nora, the Nora's 16 year old child was normal sized and wore glasses. She never traveled far, only to the capital's shore. She had never been on a date ,upon that she had never done a lot. For years she had studied to become a forger( an inventor),only to be lodged in this dusty bookstore packing books.
It was all she did from four to nine. Books had once been her friends, now they were her enemies.Though she could not go two days without reading one.
She longed for adventure, she could take no more days of working in this book store. She was going to run away tonight, when her parents were busy and her brother was no where to be found. She planned it for weeks, she would steal a horse from the neighbors, take her savings and enroll herself in an forger school in north Katoral.
Her parents would learn not to make her stack books any longer.
She stacked a book,when was the ninth hour coming? She looked at her watch, it was six. Groan, there were three more hours. Outside the sun was setting. It would mean she would have to run across the bookstore and hit the light switch.
Costumers came in and out,until nine, when the store closed.
Most costumers did not notice her, like she was a ghost, they rather ask her younger brother; who didn't work at all.
"Hello"said a voice.
"hi..."Stacy turned around startled.No one had ever talked to her ever.
It was a dark skinned male with one large black ponytail going down his back.
In Stacy's eyes he was cute, he was her sized and had a big grin.
"I was looking for a book on ancient Mauron," he asked.
" um ,sure it is in the history section",Stacy stuttered.
"I think I'll need some assistance.'' The boy smirked.
"okay", Stacy started to walk off.
"by the way...my name is Saddin."
"My name is Stacy," Stacy showed him to the history section.
Stacy went to work finding the book.
" I see you are a Librarian..." Saddin said behind her.
" I wasn't a choice" she shuddered.
"Well, I'm a fisher and sailor"Saddin came next to her.
" here's you're book".Stacy handed him a large book titled in ancient language," Ancient Years Of Mauron".
"so..." Saddin started to ask.
" I have to be getting back to work", Stacy started walking off," Good Day!"
Before Stacy could walk anymore,Saddin tackled her and she felt something hot pass by her hair,then a large crashing sound.
" What the hell!"Stacy stuttered. A total stranger just tackled her to the floor.
Though that's before she saw entire book selves tipped over and smoking and a large hole in the bookstore.
" Is that what you say to a person who saved your life?".The boy sound hurt and a bit angry.
Before she could respond, she heard screams and flares go off.
Smoke filled the air, and then cleared as she saw boots.
" argh...Say you be the Stacy Nora girl'', said red boots.
Stacy looked up and saw a full black bearded man with a red outfit, red eye patch, and red hat ,the entire 9 miles.
Followed by him where men in red.
It was the most notorious pirate gang, Peter and the Blood reds..
Stacy wished she never asked for a more exciting life.

Hi CardDragon! Rach here, and I've got a few suggestions for you.

First--don't forget to proofread before your post! You've got quite a few errors here and there--typos, missing spaces, missing commas, etc--and they turn away readers. And that's not what you want. If you're too excited when you finish and just want to post (I know how it feels), take a breath and make yourself read the entire chapter aloud. It keeps you from skipping over stuff accidentally, and sometimes you catch sentences and such that sound weird.

Second--you've got a lot of great material here (books, pirates, what's not to love?), but you're rushing through it. You introduce a frustrated main character, a possible love interest, and a sudden conflict all within maybe two Word pages. Take your time with it--longer isn't necessarily better, but slow and steady wins the race.

One way I think you could go about making this chapter/part a bit more steady is to take all the information in your first handful of paragraphs and mesh it with the dialogue and action to come. Maybe start just as Saddin interrupts Stacy, and gradually work in the details.

So, for instance, you could begin with the dialogue, and Stacy's reaction (and mention how nobody every talks to her--all the customers go ask her usesless brother) and then explain her other comments with bits of information. She hates this job, wants to run away, wishes something exciting would happen...

and then mwahahaha! she gets her wish.

Just some ideas. Let me know if you'd like any further explanation or elaboration on anything I said! I hope this helps!

Rach

PS--dragons rule.

very helpful wise human

the Nora's 16 year old child was normal sized

Spell out numbers unless they are years or really large. Also, what is "normal sized"? "Normal sized" can be different where you go. One places normal could be tall and muscular, while another may be small and skinny.

only to the capital's shore.

What capital is this? A country capital? State? Providence?

She had never been on a date ,upon that she had never done a lot.

Huh? Read this out loud to yourself.

For years she had studied to become a forger( an inventor),

Just say inventor. But on second thought, inventor isn't really a real career field. Anyone can be an inventor without studying to be one at all. Maybe engineer? Also, a forger is someone who makes illegal copies of something.

Groan, there were three more hours.

. . . I don't even know what to say to this. Firstly, it's not proper grammar. Secondly, if you're going to have her do a groan sound, don't say groan. I don't know anybody that says groan when they actually groan. Maybe put Ugh in italics. Remove the crossed out area. You don't need it.

Most costumers did not notice her, like she was a ghost, they rather ask her younger brother, who didn't work at all.

Awkward wording. And comma instead of semi-colon.

"Hello," said a voice.

Comma and space.

"Hi..." Stacy turned around startled. No one had ever talked to her ever.

Capital h on "Hi", space after quotation mark, and space before "No".

"Um, sure it is in the history section," Stacy stuttered.

Capitalize u on "Um", bring the comma back to "Um", flip comma and quotation mark around after "section" and space before Stacy.

I wasn't a choice"

It wasn't.

Overall: Horrible grammar and the story really didn't trap my attention. Add more description to it. Describe things, give us a better view on this dark skinned guy, maybe even tell us what books she is putting away. As for grammar it is easy to tell that you did not edit this one bit before posting, so before you post next time I suggest you do. After that last part I pointed out there was still much more to be fixed, but I will leave you to do that. Anyways, if you need help or a review, feel free to PM me on YWS or find me in the chat.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf