Young Writers Society

There is one teenager who is not like the others. She just really wants to be normal. She is a mother of three (techanlly they are her brother and sisters). She has been taking care of them for the past five years. Her name is Zarra. She is only 16, her mother is in and out of their house all the time. Zarra buys the food, cooks,cleans and makes sure her brother zac who is 6 and her two other sisters who are 3 are fed bathed and at day care and school before she worries about herself. Zarra's three younger sibbling's do not know their real mother so they think zarra is their real mom. But people also believe zarra is a vampire so they treat her differently than the other teens on her street. Nobody really knew who she was but they knew she was different than the other people in the town.
It all changed one day when zarra was in class. A strange person came in looking for her, she had know idea who it was. While she was walking to the front of the room someone started to bleed out of the blue. The strange guy was watching her very carefully then, he saw her eyes roll into the back of her head. He caught the scent of the blood and rushed zarra out of the room. When they got into the hall way she was shaking and the strange looking man knew what that ment, but when zarra opened her eyes she looked fine and he did not understand what that ment. So he quickly got her out of the school with not witnesses and rushed her to his boss. His boss Zarquio had never seen this in his many years of his work. So he had no idea what he was dealing with.
Zarquio knew Zarra's scheduale of her everyday routine and let her go as she always did but, had someone keep a close eye on her. She did as always she picked her sisters up first, then, went to pick of her brother. When they got back to the appartment something felt strange to her but she let it go. Zarra helped her brother with homework like always, checked on her sister's and then went to make dinner. In the middle of dinner there was a strange nock on the door. Zarra went to get the door and fell over, right when she was getting to the door. She mubbled to zac to call 9-1-1. So he did as she said like always. Then the brother and two younger sisters heard someone bust open the door and come inside. So the brother got both of his younger sister's and locked all of them into the bathroom. But he was watching from the little crack under the door. He saw two men standing over his mother-figure. He had no idea who they were, he has never seen them before. He didn't know what they were going to do so he made sure to keep his sisters quiet. He was still watching the men. The strange men picked Zarra up and took her away.
A few minutes after the strange men left the police arrived. The boy got his sisters out of the bathroom and went to talk to the police men. He told them everything that he saw. They had no idea what they were dealing with. So Zac and his sisters were put into foster care until they can find zarra and explain what happend. But until then they will not speak to anyone outside of the police station. They have been looking for her for a few weeks people were starting to lose hope in finding her.
Zarra was unconcious the whole time they were taking her to there boss. So when she woke up she was freaking out. They already knew she was going to do that. So they put her in a special room. The reason the room was special was because you could not hear anything outside of the room and smell anything from outside the room. Zarra thought she was alone when she woke up. But there was one camera in there but zarra could not see it. Zarquio was watching zarra to see how she will react to the room. She did try to get out at first but then she sat in the corner shaking. Zarra started tp breathe harder than usual. Zarquio told is men to bring zarra to him. They did as he said or they will not be living for very long. Zarra kicking and screaming the whole way to him. She did not know what was happening to her. She hoped it would stop very soon.
When the men got zarra to zarquio, he examined her very closely. He wanted to see all of her characteristics and examine how she is functioning to the change. To him she looked very well for the stage she is at in the change. Normally they look more disoriented than she does. So now zarquio knew she wasn't like the rest of them. He knew if he played his cards right he can get her to take over the buissiness when he is gone. When he is done examining her, he puts back into the same room. This time when she got to the room there was a cup filled with something, but zarra was too afraid to see what it was. So zarra went back and sat in the corner waiting for someone to come back into the room and take her home. It felt like hours have past and nobody came back for her. She started to get thirsty but there was nothing to drink. She started to look around the room to find something, anything that would help her get out or do anything for that matter. All she saw in the room was the cup and it was still filled with something but she was still too afraid to see what was in it.
Zarra thought she was going crazy. She hasn't seen anyone in weeks and she did not like being alone for so long. Zarra started to think of what happend to her brother and sisters. She never thought she would miss them so much until she hasn't seen them in a while. They used to drive her crazy always fighting, yelling, hitting each other, and not letting her think and never letting her leaving her alone. She always wished that they would go away for ever. Now she is wishing that she never said any of that stuff. She also realized how much she actually loved and cared for them. Right when she was in the middle of a thought the door swung open. She didn't move a inch. A strange tall man dressed in all black walked in zarra could not see his face. The strange man went over and grabbed her by her arm. She started to kick and scream.
Zarra just really wanted to get out of there and see her family and tell them how much she loved and cared for them. That didn't happen. The strange man was taking zarra to another room. This room was a little nicer than the other room she was in. This room has a bed, a little area where she can do her buissiness and a little window where they send her food and something to drink. When the strange man put her in the room she started to scream her head off for someone to help her but like the other room no one could hear her. She was crying her eyes out for hours and hours until she finally cried herself to sleep. Even though her mother was never home she never understood how well her life was until she had no life.
At this time in her life all she wanted to do is go home and see her brother and sisters. She even wanted to see her neighbors. Zarra had no idea what is going to happen to her if she had to stay here any longer. While she was thinking how long she will be here, Zarquio ordered his gaurds to get Zarra.
Zarra was freaking out and all of a sudden got lite headed and cold. Zarra did not like the feeling at all when she felt like she was crying she actually wasn't. All Zarquio was doing was watching her freak out. Then all of a sudden he walked up to her and told her to calm down and it will be all over soon. He stroked her hair and smelled it. She screamed even louder than before. He knew it wouldn't be long until the pain stopped. So Zarquio told his guards to put Zarra back into the room for another day or too. All Zarra did was yell at the top of her lungs and try to beat the door down for a day. Then she passed out. The gaurds reported it to Zarquio and he told them it was time.
He took her to a new building and put her in a room with different things in there. When Zarra finally woke up she was freaking out because she was outrageously thirsty. Then she rushed to the door. It was open. Zarra tried to sneak out without being caught. She got down the hall still freezing. When Zarra got to this one room there was a curtain. She looked behind the curtain and she saw a bunch of cups filled with some kind of liquid. She didn't care what it was and she drank it. With just one cup of the liquid Zarra got stronger and less cold. So she decided to drink another cup. She got a lot stronger and did not feel cold anymore. She grabbed two more cups to go.

Chapter Two-The Escape


Zarra went back into the hallway. While walking down the hallway she found stairs still trying not to get caught. At the bottom of the stairs she found a giant sculpture of a man. What she didn't know was that there was a video camera inside the statue watching her. She saw a light coming from the door so she went to look at it. She saw a street. She tried to open the door. It popped right open. Which shocked her. She went out the door looked both ways and looked back to make sure no one see's her. She ran as fast as she could thinking someone was chasing her. She got at least three blocks away from the place and stopped running.
Nothing looked fimilular to her. All she saw was old broken down,stranded,buildings.So Zarra started to walk but, didn't know that Zarquio had one of his guards watching her very carefully. She so a sign that said "Next gas station 1 mile". She got really happy to see that sign. She felt like running but had no more energy left in her to run. Right then she remembered the two cups she grabbed out of that room from the house. She still didn't know what was in the cups, all she knew was that what was in there made her stonger than she has ever been in her life. Zarra quickly drank one of the cups and felt herself getting stronger like she did the last time she drank out of the cup. She decided to save the last cup just in case she needs it later.
Zarra started to run again. She saw an off ramp then saw the gas station. She ran even faster until she got to the front door fo the store. When she got inside she went up to the cashier and asked where she was. The casheir said she was two miles outside of vermont. She got really excited because she knew she was close to home.

Hey Stranger! (never thought I'd see myself write that, but guess it was bound to happen eventually)

So, a vampire story. I like vampire stories, and as they go, this one seems to be a bit different. The girl obviously loves her family, but doesn't know what's happening to her as she changes. The problem is, the reader--that's me--doesn't know either, and we like to find out these sort of things. Somehow, the author has to find a way to convey every detail in the story, without going too overboard.

Okay, I don't know quite how to put this, other than to go ahead and say it. Now, don't take this personally, because I think the story idea, while badly executed, has promise and I really hope you keep writing. BUT, I was kind of put off by your writing. It didn't flow, the grammar was horrible (I don't know if English is your first language, but it didn't seem like it, so maybe the story flows better in your native language, I don't know) and most importantly, the telling jumped around waaaaaay too much.

At some points, I was so lost in the descriptions of what was happening, that I was actually lost. I had to read a part over and over again just to see where I left off so I could continue reading. It was almost painful at times. Now, realize, I'm not saying this to hurt you, I want you to take this criticism and use it to grow yourself as a writer. At some point, I thought to myself, "Maybe this is an outline, not the actual story," but since you never indicated otherwise, I assume it's your personal style to write--well--like that.

I'm just going to take a small excerpt and show you some things you could do differently. Okay?

It all changed one day when Zarra was in class. A strange person came into her classroom looking for her, but she had no idea who he was. He stood to the side of the room, but her teacher gave no indication that the strange man was not welcome. Zarra shrugged, and tried to forget he was watching her. Out of the blue, while she was walking to the front of the room to turn in her assignment from last night, someone started to bleed.

Those words in red are just some suggestions of how to change things, and not necessarily all that you need to do in order to polish this story until it shines.

Parting words: Don't give up on your story! You have some unique character names, a promising outline, and from the amount of writing you had to have done, you like to write! Those are great things to have on your side!

Good luck! And happy writing!

I like how this is going, it is quite a gripping story, but I must agree with the above post, your grammar really does need working on, plus at times the whole flow of this story felt rushed, like you had a good idea (which it is) but you tried too hard to get it all down too quickly, and the flow of this is quite bad, you need to set the scene a bit better, and try mixing your sentences up and using imagery etc.

But this has promise, keep working on it

(techanlly they are her brother and sisters)

First of it's technically, and secondly I there a way you can word so it fits on the end of the sentence before and not put it in parenthesis.

She is only 16, and her mother is in and out of their house all the time. Zarra buys the food, cooks, (space) cleans, and makes sure her brother Zac who is 6 and her two other sisters who are 3 are fed bathed and at day care and school before she worries about herself.

Numbers, unless they are years, always spell them out. You forgot to put a space between cooks and cleans, and a comma needs to go after cleans as well because the rest of it is still part of a list.

Zarra's three younger sibbling's do not know their real mother so they think Zarra is their real mom.

You don't need the apostrophe in siblings because it's not possessive. Also siblings is spelled with only one b.

But people also believe Zarra is a vampire so they treat her differently than the other teens on her street. Nobody really knew who she was but they knew she was different than the other people in the town.

This is really awkward thing to put at the end of a paragraph that so far has discussed here family. I would suggest making a new paragraph here and add more information to it.

It all changed one day when Zarra was in class.

Last time I'm doing this. When you get the chance, look over your entire story and fix all the proper noun capitalization.

When they got into the hall way she was shaking and the strange looking man knew what that ment

hallway is one word. It's spelled Meant. Continue on in the same sentence and you'll find the same mistake again.

Ok, up to this point I'm going to stop doing grammar review because there is so many that it's obvious you didn't read through it and fix it before posting. Having one or two is fine, but one for almost every other sentence takes too long.


In the third paragraph, Zarra goes back to her normal routine. How did this happen? One moment, she's being taken to see his boss, the next, she is going about normally. This really confused me. Also, in the same paragraph, I find it kind of weird that a six year old boy is able to act cool and calm in a situation where is "mother" is being taken away. I live with a seven year old boy, and I know that when he was six he wouldn't be able to do anything like that.

In the next paragraph, the problem goes on with the little boy. I doubt he could tell the police everything he saw because through all the excitement, he would've forgotten things.

In between paragraphs four and five, add a double space to symbolize the moving of the point of view. Otherwise the reader might get confused to where the story is.

Paragraph five is altogether weird. What makes this room so special that no sounds or smells can penetrate it (plus why would smell be a factor?)

Zarra started to breathe harder than usual.

There's a nice single word to say this: hyperventilate.

I know that's blood in the cup she's drinking, but that's because I know this is a vampire story. But you won't have people who are going to look at your story as critically as I do, so describe the liquid in the cup. As far as the readers know, it could look like water.

Since this is a short story don't need chapters. Just put a double space and move on.

Weird ending, not much sense to it.


Overall your story told more than it showed. There was little description so I had to make up my views of the characters and not see what you wanted them to look like. I think this story has potential, but you need to do a serious overhaul. One thing, is your grammar sucks, and I can tell that you either don't have or use spell check. Read it over, and heck have a family member read it over. While grammar is one thing checked for in reviews, if you have too many mistakes people will focus more on them than the actual story. And I guess this all I have to say. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me here on YWS. If you need anything reviewed, feel free to ask, and I will get to it as soon as I can.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf

Everybody else seems to have pointed out the serious problem with this: grammar.
There were quite a few times where I had no clue what was going on simply because I couldn't read the words, or because everything was jumbled around.
I know this could be an awesome story, but at the moment it sounds way too choppy, and is hard to understand.

So in closing, keep the storyline, fix the grammar issues.