Young Writers Society

It was a hot early summer morning when i left my house for what would be the most adventurous week of my life.
A close friend Zeus and I had been planning our trip across country for the better half of our senior year of high school.
The plan was to drive from our homes in Ocean City, Maryland to San Francisco, California. Once in San Francisco, we were to
stay with my uncle for a few days then travel back east to our homes.
Like most plans something changed, and after a mild panic in Key West, the change proved to be a positive one. This trip
was a once in a lifetime experience that I am grateful to have had. The back seat was filled with food and water my parents donated for
our journey, and two small duffel bags containing only the essentials. "Bill be safe, remember at least one phone call a day, don't keep your mother worried",
my mom said with her best motherly expression. "Sure thing ma, don't worry, everything will be fine".
I said my good byes to both of my parents and two kid brothers, then got into the van a drove off.
Arriving at Zeus's house around 8am, he was all ready to go with his one blue duffel bag, he is a light packer just like myself.
Zeus hopped in the van with a large smile on his face as usual, he is a guy that wakes up every morning with a positive outlook on life. "I'm so glad the day as come, the journey begins now!", Zeus says. "I know man, this is the start of it all". And it was to, we had no idea what was in front of us.
Zeus and i have been close friends for about two year now and have very similar personas. Both of us are eager to live and experience life. Our
first day of driving was the shortest leg of the trip. We traveled seven hours south, on the road, our long never ending black blanket. Arriving in the small beach town of Buxton, North Carolina. After stopping of at a small barbeque place in town we decided to take a long swim in the ocean. I felt so free swimming in the ocean, we were two single beings floating in salty pool of energy. The rest of the day we spent on the beach and walking through the small town.
The sun was preparing to sleep on our first day of travel and we light a small fire on the beach, we decided to sleep on the beach that first night because we would be sleeping in the van for the longest duration of the trip. The next day would be our second day of travel and we planned on driving all
day and into the night until we reached Florida. I laid down in my sand bed and fell into a pleasant deep sleep.
The next morning, I awoke to the bright early morning sun beating on my face. It was time to hit the road, so i woke up zeus and we gathered our belongings and headed out. At this point, we had no idea that this would be the last day that we would be driving in the old van. I write this now as the summer is coming to an end and do wish that we had completed our across country mission.
Anyway, the drive down to key west was fairly long, but i enjoy being on the road and seeing new sights. We stopped for gas twice and looked around in a few thrift shops, other than that we just drove straight through. Eventually we arrived in Key West around two in the morning. I was driving at this point and found a Days Inn, parked the van, reclined the driver's seat and fell asleep instantly.
"Hey Bill, wake up something is not right", i remember zeus saying to me early on the third day of our trip. "What is it?, i need to sleep", I said in a laxidasical tone. "The van won't start", said Zeus frantically. And this is where we ran into our troubles. After having the car towed to a mechanic down the road at a gas station we learned the engine was fryed and would be very costly to fix.
So we were faced with a decision, call home and have our parents wire us enough money for plane tickets home, or travel home a more "adventurous" and risky way. Hitch Hiking. You could have probably have guessed what we chose to do. After unloading our supplies from the van and putting as much as possible into our duffel bag we walked out to the highway. I personally have little experience with hitch hiking, I had only done it once or twice prior to our trip.
So we pointed our thumbs to the road and started walking, within ten minuets we hopped into the back of a pick up truck that took us twenty miles to the main interstate.
The driver was a college student around twenty, he was friendly, we thanked him when he let us off and he wished us luck. The next ride we found a hour or so later, a married couple, in their thirties, heading to Charleston, South Carolina. They said they would give us a lift if we chipped in for gas, which was not a problem being as we had enough cash to last us a trip across country. The car ride was smooth;
they were very friendly people. Six and a half hours later we were in Charleston, South Carolina twelve hours from home.
That night we stayed on the beach, we talked for a couple hours before falling asleep under the cloudless summer night. Neither of us wee very upset about the incident in Florida, I am going to college in a month and was planning on not bringing my van to college anyway. These moments on the beach under the stars and finding rides are things that truly make me happy. Simple things in life make me happy, rather than technology or materialistic possessions.
The next day we woke around 9 am and walked a hot three mile to the highway, where luck was on our side. Within a half an hour of walking down the road with our thumbs pointed towards traffic an old rusted van pulled next to us. An old gentleman named Jack said he was headed all the way to New York. He was familiar with Ocean City and said it was on slightly out of his way to take us all the way home. After pondering for a moment he said "Oh I'm in no rush, hop in you two remind me of my friend Dean and I thirty some years ago".
Jack talked to us the whole way home about his life and shared ours. He told us of how he hitchhiked the whole United States back in the 1950's and lived on the road. We learned alot from him and we exchanged phone numbers when he dropped us of at my house in Ocean City. We offered him Money for the ride but he would not accept it. I stuck a hundred dollars in his seat as we were getting out of the car, i figured he would appreciate it. As i appreciated the ride and the knowledge he shared with us.
Zeus and i surprised our parents by coming home early and told them all about our trip. At first they were weary about our hitch hiking but then warmed up to the idea when we spoke of the friendly old man we had met. I would have liked to make it across country but perhaps next summer.

Hiya,

As a writer, you need to show the reader that you sincerely care about what you're writing. I don't feel that I get that out of you. There's a plot and characters that feel sorely underdeveloped as well as a lack of conflict and excitement. I like the idea and situation you've presented these characters with, I really do. But it just falls flat, in a way. In addition to story issues, there were two things that irritated me; the abundance of telling instead of showing and the grammar.

The grammar throughout this piece is a huge sign of laziness. There's un-capitalized i's, line breaks where there shouldn't be, misplaced commas and other punctuation, as well as improperly punctuated dialogue. Now, I'm not saying that you should master the rules of grammar and have no errors in your first draft. We're human beings and we make mistakes; that's just our nature. However, you should do is learn and know the rules so that you're much less likely to mistakes. You should also throughout proofread your piece before posting it so that you can catch what mistakes you did make. A great resource would be the Grammar & Research section of the Knowledge Base. It's got all kids of great articles that will help you brush up on your skills and help you learn a lot.

Now, I'm going to go through this piece bit-by-bit so that I can address the points that I made in the first paragraph, alright?

It was a hot early summer morning when i left my house for what would be the most adventurous week of my life.

This is a poor hook and your first example of telling instead of showing. So, instead of having the narrator tell us what is going on, show it happening so we can pick up the details. For instance; is packing the last of his things? Saying goodbye to his room for a while? Does his mom come in and hope he has a safe trip? If you do all of these things, the reader will know the narrator is leaving without you ever having to tell us such. But I can't really explain it that well; read this article for further details. It will be a good one to reference while you're revising.

A close friend Zeus and I had been planning our trip across country for the better half of our senior year of high school.
The plan was to drive from our homes in Ocean City, Maryland to San Francisco, California. Once in San Francisco, we were to
stay with my uncle for a few days then travel back east to our homes.

A couple of things. First, this should all be one paragraph. Second, Zeus? I know, as an author, you're free to choose whatever names you want, but the name just seems a bit unfortunate and weird, especially since it comes from a Greek God. Who would name their kid that, really? Also, note what I've said about showing and telling. If they're really best friends, you could show us that easily from dialogue and such. Then, when it feels natural in terms of the story, you could have the narrator say that they are friends.

Like most plans something changed, and after a mild panic in Key West, the change proved to be a positive one. This trip
was a once in a lifetime experience that I am grateful to have had.

This should be one paragraph. Also, how exactly did the plans change? What was the mild panic in Key West? You've aroused our curiosity, and then you just drop the excitement. If it has no impact on the plot, why do you feel the need to mention it here?

The back seat was filled with food and water my parents donated for
our journey, and two small duffel bags containing only the essentials. "Bill be safe, remember at least one phone call a day, don't keep your mother worried",
my mom said with her best motherly expression. "Sure thing ma, don't worry, everything will be fine".
I said my good byes to both of my parents and two kid brothers, then got into the van a drove off.
Arriving at Zeus's house around 8am, he was all ready to go with his one blue duffel bag, he is a light packer just like myself.

The grammar is so bad here that I almost have no idea what is going on. Be sure it look it over especially. To point out a few specifics, you have a lot of commas where there should be periods. In addition, please note that when you're writing dialogue, the punctuation should go inside the quotation marks.

Zeus hopped in the van with a large smile on his face as usual, he is a guy that wakes up every morning with a positive outlook on life. "I'm so glad the day as come, the journey begins now!", Zeus says. "I know man, this is the start of it all". And it was to, we had no idea what was in front of us.

First you sneak a little bit of present-tense in the piece (bold) when the rest of it has been past-tense. Since it goes back to past right after that, I'd fix it. Second, you need to go to a new paragraph each time a new person speaks. And I don't like the last line. It doesn't really allow us to be in the moment and soak up the innocence that these two characters have right. Because this is a narrative, we know there is going to be conflict later on, otherwise this would be a boring read. So you don't need to tell us that there will be conflict.

Zeus and i have been close friends for about two year now and have very similar personas. Both of us are eager to live and experience life. Our
first day of driving was the shortest leg of the trip.

Alright. This should all be one paragraph. I notice that you've done this a lot and I can't seem to figure out why. Do you keep making the same typo over and over again, or is it something you don't understand about formatting? A paragraph deals with one idea or thought; you can't randomly decide to go to a new line in the middle of a sentence.

I write this now as the summer is coming to an end and do wish that we had completed our across country mission.

Wait, what? The introduction of this is very jarring. I had thought he was just reminiscing on it; now he's writing it? If he is, you need to establish that earlier. And a 'mission'? They were just going down to visit the narrator's uncle.

And I'm going to stop here. The rest of the work is filled with the same mistakes and I'm getting quite tired of repeating myself. However, I did want to mention something about the ending and the whole hitch-hiking thing.

First, how costly is costly? Your narrator seems to be very rich, seeing as how he, without second thought, slipped an 100 dollar bill to one of the hitchhikers. That's not normally the kind of money that eighteen-year-olds would carry around. Secondly, why on earth would they choose to hitchhike? They should know that it would be very dangerous and that they could have fixed their problem a much easier way. Why would they just leave their car at the hotel? It's not like it couldn't be fixed. Secondly, they have phones, don't they? If I had driven for almost a day, I would want to complete my vacation. I bet if they called their parents, or the narrator's uncle, either one would be more then willing to send them money so that they could get their car fixed. In the meantime, they have a hotel to wait at, don't they?

I'm not saying that I don't like the premise, because I do. It's very inventive and cool and the story of someone being stuck in a place they don't expect is always one that I'd like to read. But it feels like you need to reconsider the circumstances a bit more and do a bit of research. What would land them in a place where they would absolutley have to hitchhike? Maybe they're in the middle of nowhere. Maybe their car gets absoultey destroyed and is beyond fixing. What other things would they consider before hitchhiking? If you really think about the situation that these characters are in, you can get really creative.

Anyway, it may sound like I'm being harsh and mean. I don't want to come across as such. Don't let this bring you down; every writer has to start somewhere. And as you revise this piece and move on to others, rest assured that your writing will only get better and better. I can see tons of potential in your writing!

Hope this helps, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor x

'It was a hot early summer morning" hot and early or it was early on a hot summer morning
"when i left my house for what would be the most adventurous week of my life." this is a good sentence, clear and to the point.
"Like most plans something changed", need a comma. in fact all your commas and periods need to be inside the quotations ," like this ,"

"and after a mild panic in Key West, the change proved to be a positive one. " what happened in key west? is that what will be coming up?

"I said my good byes" one word.

"to both of my parents and two kid brothers," of is an unnecessary preposition
"then got into the van a drove off." and drove off

Arriving at Zeus's house around 8am, he was all ready to go with his one blue duffel bag, he is a light packer just like myself." Ok so, you've got a dangling modifier in the form of a your verb "arriving" you are the one that arrives thus "I arrived at Zeus's house around 8am, (consequently) he was all ready to go" otherwise it is more like, arriving at zeusus house, zeus was all ready to go.

Zeus hopped in the van with a large smile on his face as usual, he is a guy that wakes up every morning with a positive outlook on life. - you change tenses here

"I'm so glad the day as come, the journey begins now!", Zeus says. "I know man, this is the start of it all". And it was to, we had no idea what was in front of us.

Zeus and i have been close friends for about two year now and have very similar personas. http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&defl= ... d=0CBQQkAE
it should be personality.


We traveled seven hours south, on the road, our long never ending black blanket. - no need for the comma

Arriving in the small beach town of Buxton, North Carolina. - This is a subordinate clause, where is the dependant clause?

"After stopping of at a" off

Alright now I just think you didn't really edit very well, but that's okay. This isn't a literary masterpiece.

You've got your intended meaning out there, you just have to work on some technical issues.

American Princess, i wrote this and didn't edit very well at all, agreed. Thank you for taking the time to review the work. Some of the comments you made were sort of troubling though. For example "who would name their kid Zeus." Or "why would they chose hitch hiking". To answer those to questions, I would tell you my best friend' is named Zeus. And anyone could buy a plane ticket, why not hitch hike? Have you ever read any Jack Keruoac, or researched the beat generation? And you would not consider living in a van while traveling the country a mission?

Hey Drifter

I see you're new! I'm going to say one huge thing about this piece.

Fix iiitt!
You have many 'I's that aren't capitalised, and many lines that just break half way through. When you put work up on here you have to do your best to make it readable, before passing it on to other people. Silly mistakes and careless editing give the impression that you don't take your work seriously, and makes it harder to read and review it. In essence: better quality presentation, better quality reviews.

So anyway, about that thing...
Using words like 'anyway' to start sentences is a bit too informal. It's the kind of thing we throw into conversation to slow ourselves, highlight a main point, or simply to drag ourself back to our origional trail of thought. It's a failsafe for when we go off topic. In writing there is no need for it, because in writing we can re-read and edit to make sure we don't loose the plot. That takes away the need to add those extra little words in.

I think Ellie has covered pretty much everything else, so I'll try to avoid repeating her. Hope to see more work from you in the future

Not sure what the other's wrote, so I may be doubling up.
You're writing in a first person omniscient ? First person doesn't know it will be the most adventurous week of his life, unless you make it clear he is telling us a story that has past.
Show don't tell, read up on this. Zues is a positive person, then he says something like 'what a great day'... you telling us the same thing twice.
After this point you lost me, don't wanna sound cruel, but readers need to stay hooked or they will return the book to the shelf.