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A Man Not Alone



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Sat Aug 28, 2010 3:12 am
Way2Dawn says...



There sat a man not ten feet in font me. His hair was snow white and skin so deathly pale. In his lap he held a book with both hands clutched on either side and a cane to his right. I watched as a single tear was shed and hit the surface of the book. He began to shake and stopped abruptly. This made me uneasy and concerned. Still I was unwilling to turn the old man away for when I was in his presence I felt at peace. Peace that I didn't believe I could ever feel again.

He look up at me and as I met him eye to eye I saw that they were milk white. The man was blind, yet I felt as though he saw all my conviction and all my sin. He smiled like it didn't matter. I laughed not because I thought it was ridiculous to see one's past mistakes and dismiss them. No, I felt over-whelmed with joy due to the reassurance that he choose not to judge. He opened his mouth to speak, yet there were no teeth. His mouth began to move and words began to form. Every sentence penetrated my ears. He spoke Latin the only language he ever knew, and I completely understood. He said: "Hundreds of millions have read this book here in my lab, yet most never finish. Should you choose to open it I promise that it will bring you salvation and peace of mind as you face you're impending trials and tribulations. However it is not the ambiguous text that shall save you. No, it is more much more then either of us will ever be able to understand." Thousands of questions ran through my mind, but they were all dismissed. I wanted to tell him that I was beyond salvation, that I could not be saved, yet when I was in the presence of this man I felt that I had a chance.

As soon as he was done talking he stood up straight with his hands still on either side of the book. He walked towards me without the assistance of his cane. His movements we elegant and gentle as if he never needed it all, yet it still took him longer then usual to reach me. I walked as close as I could get, yet the bars of my steel imprisonment restricted me from hugging the old man. He turned the book vertical so that it might fit through the bars. I retrieved it with a bit of amazement of how heavy it was. He shook is head in a positive notion and smiled once more. Without any words spoken he returned to his chair picked up his cane and the guard escorted him out. "Thank you dad", I whispered to myself as a single tear ran down off my cheek and fell on the book. I walked over to my cot, lied down, and I thought of my dad. Before today I had not seen the old man in 50 years, and after noticing his condition I might not ever see him again. Without looking at the title I opened to book and began to read.[/center]

"Book 1: Genesis"
C.Mejia
  





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Sat Aug 28, 2010 3:00 pm
megsug says...



It was interesting. There was a rhythm to your sentences that I thought seemed kind of odd in a prose. Maybe try poetry if that's how you write normally. A little more history and details on the characters in general would be appreciated.
Test
  





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Sun Aug 29, 2010 3:14 pm
Shearwater says...



Yikes, I just got chills.

Very good. I mean at first I was like, 'Huh?" Mostly because I didn't understand the setting and I thought they were in the park and the whole 'shivering' thing was weird but as the story progressed, it deepened and I couldn't stop reading.
Anyways, I hate to be too nitpicky, especially because this is a great piece, but you did miss a couple comma and things along the road. But it was good, I'm afraid I said that too many times but it was still good.
I would have liked more explanation with the characters and all but I think too much background knowledge would have taken something away from this piece, so I would keep this as it is.
*likes*

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:02 am
Nutty says...



This is... interesting. Is it a stand alone or a one-shot?

In his lap he held a book with both hands clutched on either side and a cane to his right.

The inclusion of the cane confused me, if the subject is the book and how he is clutching it, then I would suggest you omit the cane, or seperate it somehow.

He spoke Latin the only language he ever knew, and I completely understood.

I get the feeling the figure is god, and if that's accurate why would Latin be his only language? I'm kind of confused. latin was the language the first bibles were in, and the reason they kept them that way was so people had to come to church for their faith, and couldn't read the bible themselves.

His movements we elegant and gentle as if he never needed it all, yet it still took him longer then usual to reach me.

The 'than usual' makes it sound like he's done this before. Maybe reword it, 'yet it still took him longer than it should to reach me.' or something similar.

I get a sense of redemption and, like I said, the figure from my perspective represents God. It's an interesting approach to the subject, and quite well written, so well done.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me.

-Nutty
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.
  





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Mon Sep 13, 2010 9:25 am
annapapadimitriou123 says...



This was one cool story! I really enjoyed reading it. What i didn't understand however was the man that visited him. Did he visit him in prison? If yes, make it more clear I would say. And also, was the man who visited him God, or his actual earthly dad? because i think it would be so cool if it was God. I simply got shivers when you wrote

Way2Dawn wrote:
Still I was unwilling to turn the old man away for when I was in his presence I felt at peace. Peace that I didn't believe I could ever feel again.

That really does describe the peace one feels with God. It was really interesting to read that.


This whole last part below was fabulous. But what I didn't understand was the 'I had not seen the old man in 50 years' That's what I mean you don't make it clear about whether its the MC's father or is it God?

And the end was just the BOMB! Seriously, well done. Keep writing, people need to know the truth!

As soon as he was done talking he stood up straight with his hands still on either side of the book. He walked towards me without the assistance of his cane. His movements we elegant and gentle as if he never needed it all, yet it still took him longer then usual to reach me. I walked as close as I could get, yet the bars of my steel imprisonment restricted me from hugging the old man. He turned the book vertical so that it might fit through the bars. I retrieved it with a bit of amazement of how heavy it was. He shook is head in a positive notion and smiled once more. Without any words spoken he returned to his chair picked up his cane and the guard escorted him out. "Thank you dad", I whispered to myself as a single tear ran down off my cheek and fell on the book. I walked over to my cot, lied down, and I thought of my dad. Before today I had not seen the old man in 50 years, and after noticing his condition I might not ever see him again. Without looking at the title I opened to book and began to read.[/center]

"Book 1: Genesis"
  








A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson