Young Writers Society

I lay on my stomach under my bed trying not to breathe heavily. Fear clutched me, seizing up through my veins. Tears were forming in my eyes. I wanted to look away. I really did. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to tear my eyes away from it. From her.
Don’t scream. Don’t scream. Don’t scream.
It wasn’t helping much. No matter how many times I repeated it in my head, the urge wouldn’t go away, so I bit my tongue and squeezed my eyes shut. When I finally sneak a look, she looked in my direction, eying my bed. Then she began to walk towards me. Each step sending thundering booms through the quiet air. She stopped at the bed, cutting my view off to her calves and black tennis-shoes. She didn’t lift up the blanket. She didn’t drag me out from underneath it to do what she did to my sister. She sat on it. A sickening sound of metal against metal came from above.
She was sharpening her knife.
Oh God, I thought, help me. Then just like that she got up and walked away. I listened to her footsteps going down the hall. Down the stairs. Out the door. I crawled out from under the bed as fast as I could to peer out the window. There was her license plate. Plain as day, just begging for me to take it. So I did.
XHL 567
Then began to sob. I cried for what felt like an eternity. Horror, fear, anger, disbelief. Emotions poured through me. I crawled over to my sister.
Why didn’t she listen?
I had told her to hide. I said we were going to play a game of hide and seek, and if she was found she would be grounded. So she ran away. I thought she hid and I ran under the bed myself. But she got scared and came out to say she didn’t want to play anymore. That was when I knew it was over. I wished it was me, almost thought about coming out from my hiding spot so she could get away. She was so young. It was all my fault.
She came up to my room to look for me. Then the Masked Murderer walked in. She wore the most beautiful masquerade mask I had ever seen. It sparkled and gleamed like her knife. The knife she thrust through my sister. I couldn’t look away as sharp metal pierced soft skin. My sisters mouth opening slightly and her eyes getting big. Her knees buckling and crumpling to the floor, making a pool of blood around her. I watched this beautiful woman murder my sister, and then leave her there to bleed.
My breath was shaky as I cradled her in my arms.
“Maddie,” I whispered between sobs. Her young face stared up at me. Her eyes wide open, the expression of horror frozen on her face. She was getting cold. There was blood all over me now.
Sighing I picked up the phone, fresh tears forming in my eyes. I dialled 9-1-1 and waited.
“Nine-one-one, please state your emergency,” the lady said calmly.
I said with a shaky voice, “The Masked Murderer. She… She was here. My sister…” I broke down on the phone. Sobbing until the lady finally said,
“I need you to calm down. I know it’s hard but I need you to tell me where you are now.” I told her my address.
“Don’t go,” I whispered. “Please. There’s no one here. I don’t want to be alone.”
“I won’t. I promise. Some nice officers will be there soon, okay?” She addressed me like a five year old, but I didn’t mind. Her voice was soothing and she coaxed me into repeating everything up until the point of me picking up the phone. There was the sound of sirens outside. I remained on the phone with the lady until the police officer busted into my room. They picked me up off the floor and wrapped me into a blanket. I screamed and kicked when they took me away from my sister, ignoring their attempts at comforting me. Anger seizing up inside of me. My mom came over, cooing words of comfort through her sobs. Clutching me and swearing she would never let me go. We stood and sobbed together.

I like your description of the event, however I think you need to ditch the spoiler thing. If you think it needs to be rated higher than do it in the rating part of the post. Having a spoiler part detaches it from the story and it made it kind of confusing.

I like it, I think the events need to be rearranged though. Maybe start with the murder first, catch the readers attention and then work your way through it from there. Is there going to be any continuation of this story? I can see there could be, but it works as a stand alone too. Very nice.

Hi there.. here to review.

I agree that you should remove the spoiler, and simply rate the entire piece. I would also elaborate on that section.. it's very bluntly put. Perhaps not on the killing itself, but what she looked like, what emotions she carried with her, how she made the character feel.. all that stuff. Sounds stupid. But it's still important.
Also, I don't think that her sister's body would be cold and hard yet. That.. something.. I can't remember the word, takes a while to happen I think. So unless she let it sit there for hours and hours.. yeah. The body heat doesn't vanish all at once. It dissipates.
I would also find a different name then "Masked Murderer". It irked me. Sorry. It just didn't seem that creative. I do think that you could find something sounding altogether more sinister. Also, I think that more subtle descriptions could be added in.. they're very important.. and I mean both emotional and physical. Emotional description will allow us to connect to the reader more thoroughly, while physical will set the scene.

Overall, a well told story. I think it could be even better with the changes I've listed above.

-Coral-

Hi, funkyreg101, Golden here to review!

She stopped at the bed, cutting my view off.

Honestly, I have no idea what he had a view off in the first place, so I was confused on how she could cut if off. Either elaborate for us, or try something like, "standing directly in front of me so her waist was the only thing I could see."

She didn’t drag me out from underneath it and complete what she did to my sister.

The complete part made me pause for a minute. It was about him, and then to his sister... The second half of the sentence doesn't make any sense. I would suggest something along the lines of "to do what she did to my sister."

I cried until I was sure there were no more tears in me, then I cried some more.

This part also made me pause. At first I thought he was done because he had no tears, but then he cried again. I had to reread it because I thought I missed something. So maybe replace "until I was sure" with something like "until I thought."

Then I felt an emotion I had never felt before.

The word then makes the sentence feel kind of awkward, so I would get rid of it.

I left out drawing her. She didn’t need to know.

I don't see why your MC would think the lady didn't need to know about the drawing. I would think that she'd want to give them a picture of the woman so the murderer could be caught.

Overall, this is a pretty good story! I have to agree with everybody else with getting rid of the spoiler. Enough said about that, I think Persephoneia is right about adding more emotional and physical description.

Great job!

GoldenSkies

PLEASE COMMENT!

Please don't put those up there. If people want to comment, they will.

Fear clenched at me, seizing up through my veins.

Fear clenched you? Change it, it is very strangely worded.

She looked in my direction, eying my comfy bed.

I doubt someone would be thinking how comfy their bed is in this situation.

She stopped at the bed, cutting my view off.

Put off in front of my. Secondly, what did he have a view of in the first place? Was he looking at his room or what?

I said with a shaky voice,

“The Masked Murderer. She… She was here. My sister…” I broke down on the phone. Sobbing until the lady finally said,

Bring the "I said with a shaky voice," down to the correct paragraph.

Overall: I don't feel the emotion that you're trying to convey in this story. I don't feel the anger, or hate, or even sadness. What you need to do is add a lot more description to your story. Explain the setting, maybe begin the story when this Masked Murderer comes in and starts to kill. Elaborate who this Masked Murderer is. Is she a serial killer out on a spree or is that what he just decided to call her? Ig you need any help or want another review feel free to PM me here on YWS.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf

Hey I'm going to review your work!

Repetition, and pattern three included in one, this is a good idea, and really helps this piece to gain a setting!

Don’t scream. Don’t scream. Don’t scream.

Nice sentence, it gives us, as readers many thoughts going through our head, what did she do to your sister? what is she going to do with the knife. etc!

She was sharpening her knife.

God needs a capital letter!

Oh god, I thought, help me.

I guess, it just left us readers a litle disappointed, and confused, but that might be a good thing! We are wondering what will happen and why she did that!

Then just like that she got up and walked away.

If there are no more tears in you, how could you cry some more? :/

I cried until I was sure there were no more tears in me, then I cried some more.

I can understand the cold bit, but hard...why hard? maybe use a different word, maybe pale and cold?

She was hard and cold.

Nice is a bland word and not very reassuring!

“I won’t. I promise. Some nice officers will be there soon, okay?”

Overall I think this is really good well done

I ain't feeling the emotion your trying to convey here.

I like it, don't get me wrong. But, try to immerse yourself in the character, become the person in this story.

Feel what she is feeling and believe it!! The emotion will come in due course.

Keep going!

I honestly adored it!

You really know how to write emotions and make your readers feel them, I liked it.

Only I found how he was able to put down her sister and then draw the murderer before actually calling 911 unrealistic as he was already overflowing in emotions, and as the last part shows, he was in trauma...anyhow, overall it was good.

Hi there! You have got a great hold on the topic you are trying to explain. I can see that you have already rectified most of the errors in grammar and other things but I would like to hint you with some better sentences and directing the plot.

Don’t scream. Don’t scream. Don’t scream.

It wasn’t helping much. No matter how many times I repeated it in my head, the urge wouldn’t go away.

There is one thing in this sentence that is bugging me, first you are showing that the girl is convincing herself not to scream but on the other sentence you said that "the urge wouldn't go away". When a reader reads this sentence it seems like the girl screamed at last, which can't be possible because otherwise should would have been detected by the murderer.

She came up to my room to look for me. Then the Masked Murderer walked in. She wore the most beautiful masquerade mask I had ever seen. It sparkled and gleamed like her knife. The knife she thrust through my sister. I couldn’t look away. I watched this beautiful woman murder my sister, and then leave her there to bleed.

In this paragraph, if you explain more how the woman killed the sister of the narrator it would surly hold a more impact on reader. Explain it with that the narrator saw, you can go like, "Her sharp knife went through my sister's flesh making her so helpless that she couldn't even scream for help. Terror on her face was clearly visible, yet I was afraid of being treated the same way and hence didn't move." You can write anything, try making this para more effective on your reader.

I remained on the phone with the lady until the police officer busted into my room. They picked me up off the floor and wrapped me into a blanket. I screamed and kicked when they took away my sister. Anger seizing up inside of me.

Well..! we don't know how old is the narrator, if it is a male or a female but still, I don't think if police will treat someone like the way you described. Usually, they will try to calm down the person who saw the murderer and then go a little harder. Also, police never ever takes the dead body of the dead person away without investigating the event. So, it is just wrong to show it like that.

My mom came over, cooing words of comfort through her sobs. Clutching me and swearing she would never let me go.

This sentence is okay though, it doesn't seem like behavior of a mother. She would probably be shocked and sad, it is true that she would have tried to calm her son/daughter down, but still a mother may not react like this on some situation like this.

Over all, the plot was great and you tried to explain it in very good way. You can add some more description and change some sentences and dialogs, adding some more detail to it won't increase the length too much so you can try that.

Keep Writing

-Chetan Bhasin