Young Writers Society

He could smell the fear on the child, from his vantage point on the roof, as it walked down the alley. It was a heady smell...full of promise; the promise of death. Silently shifting position he began to stalk his prey, delighting in its oblivious nature and anticipating the moment, the feeling; as he tore it to pieces. Just the thought made him salivate, causing his pointed sharp teeth to gleam in the night.

Hearing the child's heart beat increase frantically he smiled as he knew it had sensed him. It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with...yes, the child knew it was being hunted. He saw with the keenest of eyes; eyes that told him the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake. With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast on the sweetness of innocence.

Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring.
A moment passed...then another...and then a dark shadow launched into the air.

I liked the idea of this piece. However, I noticed a few mistakes:

1. I notcied in the second parapgraph, you quickly changed point of view. From the man to the child. I would recommend that you stick to one of the view points. In this case the man/thing.

For example; in stead of this...
It knew something was wrong, sensed it with that undefinable instinct all prey were endowed with...yes, the child knew it was being hunted. The child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in.

You could of put this...

He knew the child felt his presence, and watched as his prey quickend their pace.

2. There was a few spelling and grammer mistakes...

Silently shifting position he began to stalk his prey, delighting in it's- Should be its, without the apostrophe.

Hearing the child's heart beat increase frantically he smiled as he knew it had sensed him. -There would be a comma between Smiled and as


sensed it with that undefinable - this is spelt, indefinable.

confidence of a born killer he knew that was the place in which he would feast on the sweetness of innocence.
- a comma, between killer and he

That is all i could find. There could possibly be more errors. My advice would be to spell check it, leave for a few days and then read it out loud to yourself.

Very interesting usage of suspence. Good discriptions. I don't think that even I could do better than that. So far, you're off to a good start for your future as a writer, if that's what you're planning on doing.

Remember, keep it fresh, write with your heart, and keep your readers interested.

Good description and a good hook? English teachers must love you. The description is AMAZING and the opening really sucks you into the rest of it. Please continue, I'd love to hear, um read, more.

...

I'm so bad at reviewing, I can't think of anything you can fix... Just write more okay!

is this the part where there's a huge bang of blinding golden light and the child is gone, where it was standing there is now an angel clad in flaming golden and crimson armor, a long white main of hair, and a gleaming, beautiful sword. Then does it proceed to banish the demon (or watever that thing is, reminds me of a demon) back to hell from wince it came????? Thats just what i think should come next. Why didn't you write more? Waiting...
~Torpid

Thanks a lot guys, In am, to say the least, very surprised at the response this piece generated. Thanks most of all to you Ginny, I took your suggestions and fixed what mistakes you noticed.

So far, you're off to a good start for your future as a writer, if that's what you're planning on doing.

You may not have noticed but this is not the first piece Ive submited, but the comment was very welcome and I thank you.
And of course I want to be a writer, I wouldnt be here if that weren't the case.
I havent posted more because it was a spur of the moment thing. I mean I had and still have writer's block in rergards to my story Shaman so Snoink told me (not in these exact words) to just write something, anything...so I did.
However I cant just leave it now...so I'll see what I can russle up.

You've mastered the art of suspense, that is for sure.

A strange thought entered my mind, hehe. I was thinking as the creature; vampire(this was my first impression or a werewolf)pounces on the prey, the boy turns at the right moment and blasts the creature with some type of firearm. Or...he sticks out a long stake and the creature accidentally impals itself. As in dark humor, I thought that was historical the image that popped into my head.

My only suggestion would have been to describe the creature. As a fantasy fan, I personally think of mythical creatures but this piece has a lot of potential where you could create your very own monster; something no one has heard of. If you do a more detailed story about this, I would like to know more about the creature's past and its nature. You describe how of an expert hunter it is; but how?

Good job.

My initial thoughts were that it would be a vampire, but then I thought maybe a werewolf would be better. However I extremely dislike Werewolves...or the traditional idea of one anyway. I'd like to create my own version of werewolf some day. Anywho Im defintely making my own creature here.
Problem is, Im unsure of what world this is happening in. Its either:
A futuristic world in which demons and creatures run unchecked. OR
Normal world with monster(s).

What do you guys think?

I thought at first that it was a demon type thang. Either world has a lot of potential but i'd say i'm leaning towards the now world with monsters.

The story has been renamed: 'Shadow.'

Go there for the story with its NEW installment.