Young Writers Society

He could smell the fear on the child, from his vantage point on the roof, as it walked down the alley. It was a heady smell...full of promise; the promise of death. Silently shifting position he began to stalk his prey, delighting in its oblivious nature and anticipating the moment, the feeling; as he tore it to pieces. Just the thought made him salivate, causing his pointed sharp teeth to gleam in the night.

Hearing the child's heart beat increase frantically he smiled as he knew it had sensed him. It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with...yes, the child knew it was being hunted. He saw with the keenest of eyes; eyes that told him the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake. With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast on the sweetness of innocence.

Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring.
A moment passed...then another...and then a dark shadow launched into the air.


The shadow hung for moments, seemingly defying gravity as it lay suspended in mid-lunge; a dark blotch against the blue-black sky, before plummeting down. Somersaulting in mid-air, with his tattered black cloak fluttering all about him; he was a picture of predatory grace. He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child. He could have ended it there…but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting, no, he wanted to play a game. Turning his head to the side, he hissed one word: “Run.”

He watched as the child turned without another word and ran. He smiled and licked his lips with relish, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him. Throwing back his head he roared his merriment to the night sky. Oh yes, the Hunt was on.

Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase. Adrenalin was pumping throughout his body, energising him; making him stronger. His forked tongue slithered out, from moment to moment, tasting the rare delicacy that is a child’s fear. With muscles pumping, veins visibly straining against his pallid, grey skin and a wild tangled mane of darkness snaking down his back; he was a chilling sight.
A keen observer might have noticed that at times his form would blend and meld into darkness, but a casual onlooker would see only a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child. He was so filled with bloodlust that he didn’t notice that for a lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...

Ok, the suspense is killing me, haha. However, it appears you have decided to make the stalker(creature) more of an animal than a semi-human being.

What led me to that conclusion was

He watched as the child turned without another word and ran. He smiled and licked his lips with relish, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him. Throwing back his head he roared his merriment to the night sky. Oh yes, the Hunt was on.

Wolves howl as a means of communication in the pack, especially when hunting.

Course wolves don't have forked tongues or a long mane, lol. So whatever creature you're trying to invent sounds cool. One thing though to try and remember. Try not to make your new monster overpowerful but rather have some faults. Right now, the story is pretty good but this creature(that's what I'm calling it)is extreamly strong. It has superior speed, sense of taste and eyesight.

I have done it before myself; creating this awesome animal but later dig myself in a hole because my mythical animal was perfect, with no flaws. Eventually, I had to trash it as another failure to add to the collection. In other words, it got boring.

If your interested, my creature was a hybrid in combination with three of the animals strongest abilitys; a snake's superior sense of taste; a cheetah's speed and the eye sight of a bat. Just in case you need ideas,

Aw, and before I forget, I didn't catch any grammar errors and the story itself was easy to read.

Hey thanks alot.
I know exactly what you mean, I was trying to explain that same thing to my brother this morning, however he failed to understand. It will definitely have faults...or weaknesses that can be exploited.

Here's a little clue as to what it is: It is not a new creature, I repeat it is not new. I am /have reinvented an existing creature. And no its not a vampire or a werewolf or a hybrid of both.

My pleasure. Thank you for editing my piece as well. By the way, I PM'd you.

Here's a little clue as to what it is: It is not a new creature, I repeat it is not new. I am /have reinvented an existing creature. And no its not a vampire or a werewolf or a hybrid of both.

Good God, seven mythical creatures were blasted into my head when I read that. I wonder what one you have chosen... hmm...

What makes you think its any one of those you thought of.
Im not that predictable!...am I??

That goes to show what lack of sleep does. I guess my sentences did suggest that in a way. I am just a big fantasy fan so when I read something the pertains to that area...

HEHE!

wow, wow dude this story rocks, what kind of creature or humanoid is that thing, and how is that boy special. great hook , i am definatly goig to read more. i did not knotice any large blaring mistakes, so goodjob.

Thanks alot man. Ive been getting some real positive comments about this story so I'll definetly write more.

He could smell the fear on the child, from his vantage point on the roof, as it walked down the alley. It was a heady smell...full of promise; the promise of death. Silently shifting position he began to stalk his prey, delighting in its oblivious nature and anticipating the moment, the feeling; as he tore it to pieces. Just the thought made him salivate, causing his pointed sharp teeth to gleam in the night.

Hearing the child's heart beat increase frantically he smiled as he knew it had sensed him. It would know something was wrong, sense it with that indefinable instinct all prey were endowed with...yes, the child knew it was being hunted. He saw with the keenest of eyes; eyes that told him the child was approaching a crossroads in the dark, twisted warren of alleys that it had mistakenly entered and got lost in. It was a fatal mistake. With the supreme confidence of a born killer, he knew that was the place in which he would feast on the sweetness of innocence.

Emitting a soft, dark chuckle, he tensed iron hard muscles and prepared to spring.
A moment passed...then another...and then a dark shadow launched into the air.


The shadow hung for moments, seemingly defying gravity as it lay suspended in mid-lunge; a dark blotch against the blue-black sky, before plummeting down. Somersaulting in mid-air, with his tattered black cloak fluttering all about him; he was a picture of predatory grace. He landed lightly, amid the steamy clutter of human filth, with his back to the stunned and terrified child. He could have ended it there…but that wouldn’t have been terribly exciting, no, he wanted to play a game. Turning his head to the side, he hissed one word: “Run.”

He watched as the child turned without another word and ran. He smiled and licked his lips with relish, as a fresh wave of intoxicating fear flowed back to him. Throwing back his head he roared his merriment to the night sky. Oh yes, the Hunt was on.

Wheeling about, he snarled and gave chase. Adrenalin was pumping throughout his body, energising him; making him stronger. His forked tongue slithered out, from moment to moment, tasting the rare delicacy that is a child’s fear. With muscles pumping, veins visibly straining against his pallid, grey skin and a wild tangled mane of darkness snaking down his back; he was a chilling sight.
A keen observer might have noticed that at times his form would blend and meld into darkness, but a casual onlooker would see only a shape appearing and reappearing at odd intervals...slowly gaining on the fleeing child. He was so filled with bloodlust that he didn’t notice that for a seemingly lost and terrified child, the boy was surprisingly purposeful in his movements...

******
Skidding around the corner, on all fours, he lunged forward; fully expecting to bite through human flesh and finally feast on his prey…only to have his jaw click painfully shut, on thin air. Scrambling upward, he looked around in confusion. Where on earth had that child gone? His scent was still there, cloying and sweet but the child himself had vanished. Senses straining, he sought all about him for a sign, any sign that the boy had been there; all to no avail.

Throwing his head back he screamed his anger, his frustration at the unforgiving night sky. Gnashing his teeth, he stalked forward slowly, sniffing and licking the air; attempting to pinpoint the vanishing point. Following the trail, he went only a few feet forward before the scent died; completely and utterly. It didn’t taper off, no, it ended as if it had never existed…and as he stood there, puzzled, a freezing breeze sprung up; stirring the junk at his feet and chilling him to the bone. Abruptly his hunger, bloodlust, and hunting instincts faded and another arose…he shivered as his survival instinct kicked in.

Its still flippin tubularly awesome BUT why was the Shadow's muscles straining so hard to catch up with some lil kid steps AND i think if it keeps roaring and screaming people are gunna know somethings goin on in the neighborhood. My thoughts,
~Torpid

His muscles werent straining, they were 'pumping', it was his veins that were straining against his skin. I put that in just for imagery, so you could see Shadow more clearly, see his body at work. If you do some push ups (say 20) or pump some weights, afterwards you'll notice (or you should) that the viens in your arm are now clearly visible, almost bulging against the skin. So i added that to give, like,a humane element to the creature.

The area this is occuring in, is derelict, neglected, and abondoned, (as wil be explained further on). The only ppl there are drunks or half-dead bums.So there's not much they can do, even if they were bothered. Also, you are mistaken if you think that the child is just that; a child.

Its not.

wow, even more mystery, this story is beggining to get even better, is the shadow the character, or are we just looking from his veiw point at the time and that eventually we will see things happening from teh childs perspective or what?

anyway, this is avery good story, so keep writing more.

Shadow is the main character, yes, but we will see things from the child's perspective as well.
Im not sure how much more I'll be able to write, as school starts in a week (for me at least), I think I'll be able to get another, longer installment in, but after that things will go slower. Unfortunately.

oh ok, thanks for telling me who the main character was going to be, because at this point it could be etiher of the two. i wonder what special powers the boy has, or just why he dissapeared completely. Try to write as much as possible, that would be very nice, but dont rush things; a rushed story usually doesnt turn out so great. i am looking forward to reading more of your work.

Interesting writing style you have there. You don't start off with complete sentences but rather fragments, "gnashing his teeth" or "throwing his head back" instead of "He gnashed his teeth" or "He tossed his head back." Just something I noticed.

I did catch a couple of things.

fully expecting to bite through human flesh and finally feast on his prey…only to have his jaw click painfully shut, on thin air

I think a semicolon would work better in between the prey and only. Where it's bold ed; replace it with "in."

Also, I didn't quite understand something. Why and what caused his jaw to "click painfully shut?" That sentence confuses me a little.

Throwing his head, back he screamed his anger

I think there should be a comma there.

Soo... looks like Shadow can't endure the wind too well. I'm guessing either he has really short fur, assuming that's true or he's extremely skinny. In which case the lack of fat doesn't allow heat to remain for long within the body.

Keep up the good work. I have an idea that this will be a long story because you said you're going to play both prospectives of the characters. Well, if comes down to the wire and "Shadow" becomes a book, have fun with it. I know I'm having a blast with my current story. It has taught me quite a bit; far more than I bargained for! LOL!!