Young Writers Society

First Draft, Target Audience 12+

INTRODUCTION:

The ghost in Tana’s pub was a town legend.
The wooden, Victorian style building stood tall and proud amongst the streets of Burnham, a sleepy country town. It was a centerpoint. The families flocked to the restaurant on special occasions. The workmen drowned their daily troubles in the tavern. The travellers booked rooms on the second story.
The one thing that linked them all was the proprietor, Mr Tana. A perfectly round man with a bushy white moustache and rosy cheeks and a voice that could be heard for miles. Mr. Tana took it as a great responsibility to ensure that every person that entered his doors would not exit without hearing the strange story.
Australia does not have a great history of the supernatural. Its towns are not commonly known as being haunted. Those who believed in ghosts and spirits are usually laughed at. But nobody could deny that a presence, one that was not of our world, resided in that Pub.
“The tale of Mr. Keilor!” announced Mr Tana, looking down at the two pairs of bright eyes shining up at him. “Haven’t you heard that story enough young Alex and Cassie? It’s also late… I’m quite sure your Mother doesn’t want to be woken up at a god awful hours because of your nightmares.”
Mary flashed a smile to the loud man. “But Mr. Tana, if you don’t tell the story, I’m afraid my children will wake me up at a god awful hour and make me tell it to them. And I could never do it justice.”
He pulled out a chair and joined the family, his belly hit the table as he sat, causing an miniature earthquake that threatened to topple over all the cups and water jugs.
Alex and Cassie waited in anticipation for the story. Their journey to Tana’s Pub was never complete without it. Most people would chuckle after hearing the tale, it was entertainment to them, nothing more. But these twins lived by it, believed in it, and never tired of it.
“Aren’t you both a little old for this, you’re twelve years old for goodness sake.”
“Quiet Grandma,” Alex snapped at the non-believer.
Grandma rolled her eyes and returned to picking away at her dessert. “Oh don’t mind me, it’s just my birthday…”
“Shhh!” Cassie interrupted, holding a finger up to silence the old woman.
“Well,” Mr Tana began, delivering the story with absolute perfection. Playing up his thick Scottish accent and over performing with unique facial expressions and hand movements in all the right places. “It began a long, long time ago… before the two of you were even born.” The classic first line. “In this very town, lived a man named James R. Keiler, who was executed just outside the doors of my pub. And not only was he executed, but he was burnt for witchcraft…”
“And witches weren’t common in Australia were they!” Alex jumped in.
This interruption caused Cassie to give her brother a nice whack over the head. “Let him tell the story.”
“That’s right master Alex,” continued Mr. Tana. “From what I know he was the only Australian on record to be found guilty. You see, leading up to his death, Mr. Keiler had been acting very strange. His son was very ill and the town doctor could not cure him. Unable to accept the imminent death of his son, Mr. Keiler decided to take matters into his own hands. In the days that followed, homes were being broken into, farm stock was mutilated and a man was even killed, and though his body was discovered, his eyes were not.
“Once the townspeople had cottoned on to Mr. Keilor’s evil ways, a search was conducted of his house. Bottles were found, filled with animal blood, dead insects and many other disgusting bits and bobs. They came to the conclusion that he was practising witch-craft, trying to brew a poisonous potion that he could use to take the ultimate revenge on this town. His attempt of black magic was enough to have him put on trial. But that wasn’t all… you see evil can act like a virus, a virus that the townsfolk believed had also infected his wife and child. The three of them were all convicted and found guilty. Their punishment, being burnt at the stake.
“And now, even to this day, Mr. Keilor’s legend lives on. People say, that in the dead of night, he can be heard stalking the halls of this pub, looking for things to steal to brew his potions. Some think he’s searching for a remedy to cure death, and return to our world once again…”

As always, the Twins were left speechless. Clapping their hands at the story they knew so well.
The night ended with Alex and Cassie tired and sleepy. Eyes sore from scanning the room for any sign of the paranormal, but like always they saw nothing. Right before they were dragged out by their Mother, the Twins spent an extra long amount of time firing questions at Mr. Tana, searching for every detail within the story.
Perhaps if the twins had not followed this man around all night, they would have noticed a sharp burst of light shoot up the stairs of the pub.

TWIN SPIRITS
This is the introduction to a series of short stories I'm considering publishing online. It began almost two years ago, were I wrote this as a 3 season TV (comprised of 8 episodes each), which is not un-common in Australia, but the budget to do it justice in this country just isn't realistic. It's cross between Supernatural and Goosebumps, and is the first story I've written where I have really taken marketing into consideration. I'm sick of seeing Harry Potter and High School musical products flooding our shelves, let's create an Australian story of Australian kids!

Please let me know your thoughts and if it appeals to you.
Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Hi, PenNPaper here

Okay so this isn't really a review or anything, just to make it clear...

I liked the story, was captured from the first line. The setting seems quite unique, a ghost in a pub? I suppose that the two main characters are Alex and Cassie, who are interested in the ghost, and are only twelve. Just a suggestion, you may want to include the thoughts of Alex and Cassie too, from the view of a twelve year old. Probably something not so mature, such as the two of them trying to talk to the ghost? I don't know, your choice.

It certainly is worth continuing.

Have a good day

Thanks, I really should have included some more - overall - details.
Alex and Cassie are indeed our main characters, and viewpoints switch from story to story.
Completely and insanely obsessed with the supernatural, their journey begins when they undertake a Ghost Hunt in Tana's Pub, that is the plot line for the first Volume.

I am hooked! I think this is very good and possibly addicting. If you think it should be a TV show turn it into a script. ( that was my perception of it anyway.) My thing was I don't see how it is 12+. Especially since the main charecters are 12. Keep up the good work!

Hiya,

So, this is alright. The premise is promising but needs work, and the general execution of this is not by far as good as I feel like it could be. Somewhere in this I see a haunting and exciting piece that sends chills up my spine. With revisions I know you'll get there! I'll just give my thoughts bit-by-bit as I go along, okay?

The ghost in Tana’s pub was a town legend.

I like what you're trying to do with this hook, but it just comes up as a tad-bit tell-y. Instead of telling us the ghost was a town legend, can you show it to us? Maybe have citizens talk about it, recap bits of the story, or describe the ghost in more detail (i.e. "it is said that Tana's pub was haunted..."). If you do any of that, you'll get to show us that the townsfolk believe there is a ghost in Tana's pub without ever having to tell us that it is a town legend. We'll just understand that from the text.

The wooden, Victorian style building stood tall and proud amongst the streets of Burnham, a sleepy country town. It was a centerpoint. The families flocked to the restaurant on special occasions. The workmen drowned their daily troubles in the tavern. The travellers booked rooms on the second story.

I get what you're trying to say with this paragraph, but the wording just comes across as a little jumbled and confusing. Maybe you could mention the town's name when you talk about it the ghost that is the town legend. Introducing the name and the fact that it is 'a sleepy country town' here, it feels a bit late. So I'd structure it like this; describe the town, describe the legend, then describe the inn. That way you get to zone in as you get closer and closer to where the characters are going to be.

Speaking of describing the inn, you make it sound as if you're talking about several different locations. And usually in an inn you just have a bar; you get your drinks there but that's also where they serve the food. Try to make it seem more connected and establish that you're talking about one place.

The one thing that linked them all was the proprietor, Mr Tana.

This doesn't feel quite right. I know what you're trying to say, but I had to read it twice through to get it. I don't know if you're talking about this figuratively or literately. Maybe something along the lines of 'the different areas of the inn were quite separate places, only really linked because of the owner, Mr. Tana' would be more specific and clear.

A perfectly round man with a bushy white moustache and rosy cheeks and a voice that could be heard for miles.

This is a fragment because we don't know who you're talking about it here; you don't have a subject. Either add 'he' to the beginning or combine it with the sentence before it.

Mr. Tana took it as a great responsibility to ensure that every person that entered his doors would not exit without hearing the strange story.

Erm, why? By doing this, he would scare away customers, even if he was just doing this to kid. If I were in his situation, I would try to dispel whatever ghost stories were told so I didn't lose money because people were scared to come into my inn. A lot of people wouldn't believe it, that's true, but some might. And again, I wouldn't want to take any risks. It's likely the children would hear the story from a third party and that their grandmother would try to dispel rumors. Once they got there, they would start to realize that things were awry.

But nobody could deny that a presence, one that was not of our world, resided in that Pub.

Why would people visit it if they knew it was haunted?

“Quiet Grandma,” Alex snapped at the non-believer.

This is really rude and makes Alex start to become somewhat unlikable. Their grandmother is only concerned for their well-being; I'd have them argue a bit more and be a bit more whining then authoritative. He is only twelve, after all.

In general, those were my issues with the story. One thing you need to do is check over your grammar. There were a few places where I noticed improper punctuation and misplaced commas; remember to proofread before your submit. Otherwise, I'll be curious to see more of this story and and edited version if you get the chance. PM me if you have any questions!

-Elinor x

Hey there! -- sorry I am just now getting to the review, even though I said I would last night.

Alright. So this was good. It wasn't great, and it wasn't bad. I see its potential to be great, so I'm going to try and help you get there.

Quotes 'N' Comments

The ghost in Tana’s pub was a town legend.

This sentence is out of place, and you know what it does? It adds boring to this story, if that makes any sense. It makes your story boring because you set us up thinking that you are going to tell the story about the ghost - by using this sentence - and then you follow up with a description of the town and pub. Here's my thought of a better way to describe the setting: incorporate it into your work. Instead of saying:

"The grass was green. It was windy. The building was red."

Turn it into one sentence:

"The green grass was struck by the slight wind, pushing the leaves towards the lonely red structure."

Of course that is a horrible example, but you catch my drift?

Those who believed in ghosts and spirits are usually laughed at.

You know, a lot of things sound better when you tell it. In case you don't know what that means, it's coming straight out, while its opposite is 'showing' the scene. I think showing would work better here. You could make a really interesting scene depicting this idea, such as a crazy drunk woman starts screaming about a ghost on the far wall, and everyone starts laughing at her. Of course that isn't a normal reaction. A normal reaction would either to be a. scared or b. concerned for this crazy woman. So right off we know that something is different about this town and how they handle the concept of ghosts. saying it is just boring.

Its towns are not commonly known as being haunted. Those who believed in ghosts and spirits are usually laughed at.

Underline: present
Italics: past

You switch tenses quite a few times in this, and I just wanted to point it out. Here you switch between present and past. And while it's alright to use present sometimes, this is not the case. Since you are writing of the past, you are writing about how the town used to be, and how the people were not used to being haunted. Be sure to check your tenses before deciding it's the final edit if your story.

Characters

The man who's telling the story is great. I kind of imagine a sinister santa looking guy. I imagine him being fat with a plaid yellow coat and black slacks. I like how you said so little, so I was allowed to imagine certain aspects of the man myself.

The twins, however, I feel like you can expand on. Usually twins in stories have some cool traits about them: like how they can finish each others sentences or have the same thoughts. You don't even talk about the boy twin here, do you? I only remember hearing about the girl. I think you should expand on these characters a bit, even if this is the last time you will use them. I need to know more about them before I have any kind of reaction to their reactions. Developing your characters should be second as most important, behind plot, because a great character makes an average plot look good: like Catcher in the Rye.

Plot

Speaking of plot! This is pretty good, however I think you moved to fast. There are a few things I would like to have more explanation of: like how the pub looks, maybe more about the twins and their relationship with their grandmother, a little more background on the storyteller and why he tells these stories even though it's frowned upon in his society. Most of all, I want to know more about the reaction of the other people. You go and say that you are laughed at if you tell stories or converse about ghosts as if you believe in them, but we see none of that here. Even though you basically focus on three characters in this doesn't mean you can't mentions some background people. You don't even have to describe them: just go and say that a man and a woman eating together looked at the storyteller quizzically, and frowned at him. This is a mellow way to introduce the fact that maybe they have accepted this man, even though they have not accepted his ideas.

I would also like to see maybe some resistance to the man telling the stories to the kids from the grandmother. She has too mellow of a reaction, especially if she's one of the 'Non-believers'.

I really do like this. I think it's a good opener to a series. I hope you add in more description later on. As of now, it's a skeleton of a story. You need to add some more layers on to it.

Hope I helped!

Classy

Sup bro.

Was an alright story but lacked real originality. The ending is quite abrubt and leaves me with a feeling that there should be more.
I like the idea of a modern spin on any kind of written piece, however, much more could have been incorporated to give this piece more of a contemporary feel. You should try to put more "australianism" in it since that seems to be a key aspect of the book. The only time I was able to pick up that it was set in Australia, or revolved around Australian characters was when the word Australia was used..
A rewrite is Definitly needed! PM me when its up and ill be happy to re-review.

I know this isn't going to help you much, but I just wanted to compliment you on your style! The writing flowed from one sentence to the next! I love it! The descriptions were clear, I could easily picture every bit of this story...

Good Job! I can't wait to read more from you!!