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Fire



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Mon Sep 13, 2010 11:41 am
LawsonJ says...



Fires long to consume. They rage and ravage, burning whatever encounters their path, transforming it into ash and embers and only stopping when there is nothing left to raze. But it can be leashed and harnessed, caged and forced to illuminate and warm rather than incinerate. But any caged being hungers for freedom, searching for an avenue of escape. A pale candle, slowly burning. An open awning window. A sea breeze from the south. The delicate flame is caught and carried by invisible, malicious hands to a delicate coat hanging on the blue wall.

The house is asleep. Two lovers lie peacefully together. But the flames flicker below. How easy it is to call a fire merry when it is safely behind a grate. No one recognizes the hatred in the inferno. And when it is free, people are reminded of just how terrible our dependence upon fire can be.


Thomas was yelling wildly, desperately. “Wake up! Jessica! There’s a fire!” She slowly opens her eyes, reluctant to focus. Words can take time to penetrate our minds. Sometimes they struggle against us, delving into our heads until the word registers in a dark, hidden place, stirring some ancient reflex. “Fire!” Jessica sat bolt upright and stared around, wild-eyed. There were no red tongues of fury to be witnessed, but its not the fire that kills. It’s the thick, acrid, irritating smoke.

The room was a hazy grey, and two sets of eyes stung from the fumes, while two sets of lungs forced the corrupted air out of them in an urgent cough. Thomas grabbed her hand, pulling Jessica to her feet and they staggered towards the door. Cautiously he opened it, protecting his hand from the metal with a cloth, and both were welcomed by their fiery house with a rush of smog and unbearably hot air. They could see the cruel shards of heat now, crazily performing a war dance as they jumped and writhed. They fervently guarded the stairs and laughed as the couple realized their situation. Too high to jump. Too dangerous to go down two flights to reach an exit. And too little time. The Devil had opened a window, and he didn’t think a door was needed too.

Jessica wondered despairingly on what she could do, and then heard a thump from behind her. Thomas had fallen, his weak lungs failing to support him after years of smoking. Jessica cried out in hopelessness. Already her head was unclear and confused. Her throat was burning, tears were streaming from her eyes and the noxious gas was overpowering her. She slowly sank to the floor.


Humans are clever. They know that some things can never be tamed. They may appear to have lost their bite, but we know, and we safeguard against them. A boy noticed the beautiful blaze from afar, but saw through its deceitful appearance. He called those inverted to the Devil, those who are always prepared to help.

Sirens blared as the firemen worked. They charged the house, smashing down whatever opposed them with their axes and rams, speeding upstairs, wanting to see a sign of people still alive. They found the two, one lying next to the other, lifted them up and returned them to the cool, breathable air outside. A monstrous force had been defeated and denied its yearning for death. The house continued to burn. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.



Please review! And please take into account that this was done quite quickly and with no prior planning.
Last edited by LawsonJ on Tue Sep 14, 2010 6:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Sep 13, 2010 4:05 pm
chetanbhasin says...



Hi LawsonJ, it is Chetan here. I shall be reviewing your work today.
As you said that it was a quick work without any planning I will go accordingly. Theme is good though, you need to make some corrections. Let us start with it starting from here:

Grammar:

Fires long to consume. They rage and ravage, burning whatever encounters their path, transforming it into ash and embers and only stopping when there is nothing left to raze.


You should write it like, "Fire is long to consume. It rages and ravages, burning whatever encounter it's path; transforming things into ashes and embers [However, I don't know the meaning of this word], stopping only when there is nothing left to raze."
You seem to be little bit confused here with words.

Now, compare these two sentences:
The house is asleep. Two lovers lie peacefully together. But the flames flicker below. How easy it is to call a fire merry when it is safely behind a grate. No one recognizes the hatred in the inferno. And when it is free, people are reminded of just how terrible our dependence upon fire can be.

And
Thomas was yelling wildly, desperately. “Wake up! Jessica! There’s a fire!” She slowly opens her eyes, reluctant to focus. Words can take time to penetrate our minds. Sometimes they struggle against us, delving into our heads until the word registers in a dark, hidden place, stirring some ancient reflex. “Fire!” Jessica sat bolt upright and stared round, wild eyed. There were no red tongues of fury to be witnessed, but its not the fire that kills. It’s the thick, acrid, irritating smoke.

Did you notice some difference between the above parts? If not then I will tell you. One of them is written in present tense and the other one is in the past. It is better if you use only simple past tense for a short story.

Sentences:

Thomas was yelling wildly, desperately. “Wake up! Jessica! There’s a fire!”

Well, I would like to explain but I don't have time for it. So I will go a little quick and and will quickly tell you how to write this sentence.
Here you can go like this, "'Jessica! Wake up!' Fire, there is fire!', Thomas yelled wildly and desperately."
[Address Jessica before you start the sentence, and the dialog should read more natural to the reader. Also, try telling the orator's expressions after the dialog, unlike other languages that is what we do in English.]

Overall:

As I told you, your theme is great but you do need to revise it once. I think it will be good if you put some time on it. In the beginning, your story was like non-fiction but later on it seemed okay. It would be better, if you write it in first person or display some dialog in the beginning.
Length wise, I have to say it was pretty short. I think it would be much better if you extend the length. You have good description so I would suggest you to add some more dialogs, thought of characters. I mean there is no idea of what is going on. The story ends up like it was never started and doesn't really print an effect on the reader's mind.

Revise it, expand it, add some more plot, define characters, and you are done. [At least that is as far I can think right now.]

Sorry for a kind of compact description but I really don't have a lot of time so this is all for now.
Keep Writing

-Chetan
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Tue Sep 14, 2010 3:52 pm
gsppcrocks10 says...



Hey Lawson, Gsp here, and I'll be your reviewer today.

But first, I have to warn you that I have the tendency to tear stories apart. I'm sorry if I seem harsh to you; I'm really only trying to help you improve. Okay? Okay.

With that said... ON TO THE REVIEW!



Fires long to consume. They rage and ravage, burning whatever encounters their path, transforming it into ash and embers and only stopping when there is nothing left to raze. But it can be leashed and harnessed, caged and forced to illuminate and warm rather than incinerate. But any caged being hungers for freedom, searching for an avenue of escape. A pale candle, slowly burning. An open awning window. A sea breeze from the south. The delicate flame is caught and carried by invisible, malicious hands to a delicate coat hanging on the blue wall.


I never really thought of fire that way. Absolutely beautiful descriptions, and that's a pretty good size for a paragraph. Not too long, not too short. I really don't have anything to say here. It's awesome.

The house is asleep. Two lovers lie peacefully together. But the flames flicker below. How easy it is to call a fire merry when it is safely behind a grate. No one recognizes the hatred in the inferno. And when it is free, people are reminded of just how terrible our dependence upon fire can be.


Beautiful. :) That's all I have to say.

Darnit, stop being so good! xD

Thomas was yelling wildly, desperately. “Wake up! Jessica! There’s a fire!” She slowly opens her eyes, reluctant to focus. Words can take time to penetrate our minds. Sometimes they struggle against us, delving into our heads until the word registers in a dark, hidden place, stirring some ancient reflex. “Fire!” Jessica sat bolt upright and stared round, wild eyed. There were no red tongues of fury to be witnessed, but its not the fire that kills. It’s the thick, acrid, irritating smoke.


Hm... This paragraph wasn't quite as good as the last ones. I would mention something about Thomas waking up. And then with this sentence;

Jessica sat bolt upright and stared round, wild eyed.


Did you mean "around"? And I think, I think that it should be "wild-eyed", but I'm not sure.

The room was a hazy grey, and two sets of eyes stung from the fumes, while two sets of lungs forced the corrupted air out of them in an urgent cough. Thomas grabbed her hand, pulling Jessica to her feet and they staggered towards the door. Cautiously he opened it, protecting his hand from the metal with a cloth, and both were welcomed by their fiery house with a rush of smog and unbearably hot air. They could see the cruel shards of heat now, crazily performing a war dance as they jumped and writhed. They fervently guarded the stairs and laughed as the couple realized their situation. Too high to jump. Too dangerous to go down two flights to reach an exit. And too little time. The Devil had opened a window, and he didn’t think a door was needed too.


God I love your descriptions. x_x Just a couple things.

Thomas grabbed her hand, pulling Jessica to her feet and they staggered towards the door.


This seems... off to me for some reason. Probably the last bit. Try this.

Thomas grabbed his beloved's hand, pulling her to her feet as he staggered towards the door.


Or something. I dunno. xD

Jessica wondered despairingly on what she could do, and then heard a thump from behind her. Thomas had fallen, his weak lungs failing to support him after years of smoking. Jessica cried out in hopelessness. Already her head was unclear and confused. Her throat was burning, tears were streaming from her eyes and the noxious gas was overpowering her. She slowly sank to the floor.


I would mention something about the flames feeling smug or something because of their victory over the two lovers. Just an idea. *shrug* Again, this is wonderful. Especially the bit about why Thomas collapsed so quickly.

Humans are clever. They know that some things can never be tamed. They may appear to have lost their bite, but we know, and we safeguard against them. A boy noticed the beautiful blaze from afar, but saw through its deceitful appearance. He called those inverted to the Devil, those who are always prepared to help.


*claps* I love how you refer to the fire as the Devil.

Sirens blared as the firemen worked. They charged the house, smashing down whatever opposed them with their axes and rams, speeding upstairs, wanting to see a sign of people still alive. They found the two, one lying next to the other, lifted them up and returned them to the cool, breathable air outside. A monstrous force had been defeated and denied its yearning for death. The house continued to burn. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.


:) Lovely ending there. I love that you used "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" for the end. It's perfect.

All-in-all; love it! Keep up those descriptions!

Also, just out of curiosity; do you happen to write poetry as well?

Happy YWSing!

~Gsp
Just another quack spouting psychobabble.

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Wed Sep 15, 2010 8:49 pm
LawsonJ says...



Thanks for the reviews! I may revise the story. And no, I don't write poetry.
  





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Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:09 pm
Shearwater says...



Hi Pink here! I'll be reviewing your work today :D
Fires long to consume. They rage and ravage, burning whatever encounters their path, transforming it into ash and embers and only stopping when there is nothing left to raze. But it can be leashed and harnessed, caged and forced to illuminate and warm rather than incinerate. But any caged being hungers for freedom, searching for an avenue of escape. A pale candle, slowly burning. An open awning window. A sea breeze from the south. The delicate flame is caught and carried by invisible, malicious hands to a delicate coat hanging on the blue wall.

I love this opener, it's truly very nice and it's written so elegantly and beautifully, it captures my attention without a doubt. I like your imagery was just right, there was no confusion with the wording and everything was in order and it painted a very nice and delicate picture.
It’s the thick, acrid, irritating smoke.

I think you could have used a better word here besides irritating, I though it didn't do much justice to your awesome piece.
Cautiously he opened it, protecting his hand from the metal with a cloth, and both were welcomed by their fiery house with a rush of smog and unbearably hot air.

I think the use of cautiously here is weird. I mean during this time, should he be frantic and trying to get out of the house?

Overall,
I thin you've written this quite well and I liked he descriptions you used and the way you wrote the scene itself. I thank you for the good read. I don't have much else to say that hasn't been said already and I think you really did sound like a poet with the first part an all, ti was kinda cool. Keep it up!

~Pink
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Sun Sep 26, 2010 10:14 pm
Snoink says...



Hey Lawson! :D

So, this format kind of reminds me of the Twilight zone! You have the prologue, where that one guy is talking about the Twilight Zone, then it goes to the story, then finally that one guy talks about the Twilight Zone again. So, it definitely reminds me of that! :D

With that said, I think you can really beef up the middle bit! Make it really intense and dramatic! Include details. And don't forget the smoke... it's not just his smoker's lungs, lol. A lot of people have the same reaction regardless. After all, the main reason why people die from fires is from suffocation. ;)
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Sat Oct 09, 2010 1:51 pm
twiggers says...



That was wonderful. The way it flowed was elegant and the way the opening snatched my attention, I'll never know. It wqas great, but could use a touchup, just tiny things though. I loved it. The way it flowed like silk. Even thogh there was not much diolauge, you didn't need it, the fire spoke for itself. Post another section, like, 'Fire: 2' or something... I'd love to review it and criteque! Power to the pen/pencil... write on...
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Sat Oct 09, 2010 2:52 pm
LadySpark says...



good,good,good

I love a good tragic love story. it always make me sigh and this one was great!
there are some grammar issues, but i usually don't go into that. I'm just saying you might want to go over and edit a couple of things.

the little poetry (thats what i call it) at the beginning is awesome! it makes the story whole.

GOOD JOB!

~Pointe
hush, my sweet
these tornadoes are for you


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Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:58 pm
psudiname says...



wow, this story is intense. i highly advise you to look up the song requiem for a dream on youtube, and listen to it while reading this story. anyway, you should definately continue using such vivid imagery, and wonderful adjectives, as well as simalies. also i noticed some nice religous allagory, as well as the metaphor of fire as a beast. great writing style, keep it up, and feel free to critique the first chapter of my story "the way of the jungle."
---your friend, Psuidiname
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Mon Oct 11, 2010 10:07 pm
LawsonJ says...



Thats for all the reviews everyone! I was just wondering though how many people spotted my subtle word trick about 'those inverted to the Devil' - 999 being the inversion of 666.
  





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Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:13 pm
IainMorrison says...



Fire... the gift and the curse. In this day and age we can all be named Prometheus and if we are not careful and respectful we all can suffer as he did. Fire is not something to underestimate and I loved this story as it reminds people of the dangers in trying to cage this beast. Great flow to the story I do think there could be a little more in the middle though. Just a touch more of intensity but otherwise an awesome read. Keep it up!!! You have great talent.
  





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Sun Oct 17, 2010 3:59 pm
CSheperd says...



I thought the overall description and personifacation in the story was what stood out most about it. It was very vibrant look into something as simple as a house fire. As short as it was i think you conveyed the theme of the story excellently. I see really no room for improvement on this because it was well put together, it drew me in, and as i said before it really conveyed the them in the right size.
I liked how you made something extravegant out of something that happens on a day to day basis, and how there was a bit of spirituality behind the fire and the fire fighters.

Over all pretty good.
  





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Sun Oct 17, 2010 6:31 pm
ashia605134 says...



But it can be leashed and harnessed, caged and forced to illuminate and warm rather than incinerate. But any caged being hungers for freedom, searching for an avenue of escape.

I'm LOVING your imagery and your choice in words but, honestly, I get a a slight bit annoyed when I see people using 'But' to start a sentence. I try my best to replace the word with another so as to avoid using it like that. You could have maybe changed the 'But' in the second sentence to a "still,' or 'however'.
Humans are clever. They know that some things can never be tamed. They may appear to have lost their bite, but we know, and we safeguard against them. A boy noticed the beautiful blaze from afar, but saw through its deceitful appearance. He called those inverted to the Devil, those who are always prepared to help.

I don't quite understand what the beginning of the paragraph had to do with the rest of the paragraph. To me it was slightly jumbled. A lack of organization if you will. It belonged in one of the paragraph's before it but I may be wrong. Maybe there was something you were trying to portray and I didn't catch on to it :\
Thats all I really have to say about the poem and again, I'm LOVING your imagery! Really! It paints the picture in my mind.
There's always a thin line between LOVE and HATE, between FRIENDS and ENEMIES, between LIFEand DEATH... Such is the way of Human Nature....
  





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Sun Oct 17, 2010 9:53 pm
UncleJimmy says...



Interesting. Brings out the fact that fire can become a raging monster at any moment.
I've fought 3 wildfires, so I know what it is like with the heavy smoke, the crackle of flames. And when I was reading your story, I could almost smell the smoke, and hear the flames again.
  








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