Young Writers Society

*Dream*
"Matt! Matt please don't leave. Please." Amy Lynn pleaded with her boyfriend. She didn't want Matt to leave her, but he had to. It was for the sake of his family. To keep them alive. To keep her alive. The last thing Amy Lynn saw was her best friend, her boyfriend leaving. She suddenly got depressed and angry with herself and Matt.She was so angry she could have killed herself. And that's what she did. She grabbed the old rusted Swiss Army Knife lying beside and plunged it into her heart. If Matt was going to leave her then she didn't deserve to live.
*Dream end*
Amy Lynn jumped up out of her covers. She was covered in a cold sweat. She glanced around her room and saw nothing but boxes upon boxes. You see Amy Lynn and her family had just moved into a new house. Luckily for Amy Lynn her new house was in the same town as her old one. She was glad that she didn't have to make new friends, go to a new school, or wish she could go back to her old town. She was lucky. Quickly Amy Lynn grabbed her phone off of the pillow next to her and turned it on. Glancing down at it she noticed the time and she grimaced.
6:48am
She had also taken notice to the text message on the phone's screen.
From: Matt
To: Amy Lynn
Hey sweet cheeks!! Lol hows the moving going??? Come and visit me PLEASE!!!!!! Haha love ya txt me back
She had instantly texted him back. Knowing that if she hadn't he would get worried and freak out on her. He got so worried when she didn't text him. Believe you they aren't dating. But Amy Lynn wants them too. She has loved Matt since her 7th grade year. The year he moved to their small town of Rueter. He had no one to talk to. So she had made the first impression. Now it was their senior year and he was on the football team. Every girl had been after him since his Sophomore year. She had to move fast if she wanted to date him.
From: Amy Baby
To: Matt
I'm fine. Thnx but moving is going sooooo slow!!! And yea why wouldn't i visit you?! I practically live at our house sometimes. Txt ya later love ya
Sometimes Amy Lynn's life wasn't the greatest. Her parent's fought, her dad drinks, and her mom was a workaholic. Some she would always stay at Matt's house. Sighing she set her phone back on her bed and tried to fall asleep again.

Hey there!

I see you're new here - welcome! I'm Lilicia *shakes hand*
So this is an interesting beginning, but there are a few things that need fixing. Nitpicks first

*Dream*
*Dream end*

I don't think that stating that it's a dream is necessary. It will become evident to the reader when Amy wakes up.

The last thing Amy Lynn saw was her best friend, her boyfriend, leaving.

Comma after boyfriend.

She grabbed the old rusted Swiss Army Knife lying beside and plunged it into her heart.

:0 Describe how this felt. It sounds a little flat otherwise. I know it's a dream, but I'm sure she'd still feel something.

You see, Amy Lynn and her family had just moved into a new house.

Hey sweet cheeks!! Lol hows the moving going??? Come and visit me PLEASE!!!!!! Haha love ya txt me back

I don't know... this sounds more like they're already going out. Unless they're really close, it's a bit unrealistic for him to write her a text like that.

She had instantly texted him back. Knowing that if she didn't he would get worried and freak out on her. He got so worried when she didn't text him. Believe you they aren't dating. But Amy Lynn wanted them too. She had loved Matt since her 7th grade year.

The tenses here are a bit all over the place. Corrections in red. Also, the bolded sentence - did you mean believe you me?

Sometimes Amy Lynn's life wasn't the greatest. Her parent's fought, her dad drinks, and her mom was a workaholic. Some she would always stay at Matt's house. Sighing she set her phone back on her bed and tried to fall asleep again.

Woaah slow down. It would be better if you could introduce these facts in a more subtle way. Like, having Amy hear her parents argue before her mum goes to work for the whole day, or something.
Also, this little section seems to have come out of nowhere. Beforehand the mood was quite happy, she just got a nice text from the guy she wants to date. Now she's quite frustrated - nothing evident having triggered it.
Just watch out for those things

Overall:

So this is an interesting start, and I'd like to know where you'll go with this. Just make sure to proofread your work, to prevent errors like missing commas, and tense changes. In terms of the actual plot, slow things down - show, don't tell. Maybe instead of telling us that Matt had no one to talk to and that she made the first impression, show us that scene - so we can get to know them both better. At the moment it's hard to relate to them, which means that we don't feel for them much. And, as I said earlier, it would be a lot more effective if you could show us a fight between Amy's parents, instead of telling it as a fact.
Well, I hope you continue with this, as it has got some good ideas in it and I would like to see some more.

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

~Lilicia

DemiGodsRule12 wrote:*Dream*
"Matt! Matt please don't leave. Please." Amy Lynn pleaded with her boyfriend. She didn't want Matt to leave her, but he had to. It was for the sake of his family. To keep them alive. To keep her alive. The last thing Amy Lynn saw was her best friend, her boyfriend leaving. She suddenly got depressed and angry with herself, and Matt.She was so angry she could have killed herself. And that's what she did. She grabbed the old, rusted Swiss Army Knife lying beside lying beside what? her bed? and plunged it into her heart. If Matt was going to leave her then she didn't deserve to live.
*Dream end*
Amy Lynn jumped up out of her covers. She was covered in a cold sweat. She glanced around her room and saw nothing but boxes upon boxes. You see, Amy Lynn and her family had just moved into a new house. Luckily, for Amy Lynn, her new house was in the same town as her old one. She was glad that she didn't have to make new friends, go to a new school, or wish she could go back to her old town. She was luckyYou already said she was lucky. Quickly Amy Lynn grabbed her phone off of the pillow next to her and turned it on. Glancing down at it she noticed the time and she grimaced.
6:48am
She had also taken notice to the text message on the phone's screen.
From: Matt
To: Amy Lynn
Hey sweet cheeks!! Lol hows the moving going??? Come and visit me PLEASE!!!!!! Haha love ya txt me back
She had instantly texted him back. Knowing that if she hadn't he would get worried and freak out on her. He got so worried when she didn't text him. Believe youbelieve you? Do you mean believe me? they aren't dating. But Amy LynnYou don't need to say Amy Lynn all the time, Amy is just fine wants them too. She has loved Matt since her 7th grade year. The year he moved to their small town of Rueter. He had no one to talk to. So she had made the first impression. Now it was their senior year and he was on the football team. Every girl had been after him since his Sophomore year. She had to move fast if she wanted to date him.
From: Amy Baby
To: Matt
I'm fine. Thnx but moving is going sooooo slow!!! And yea why wouldn't i visit you?! I practically live at our house sometimes. Txt ya later love ya
Sometimes Amy Lynn's life wasn't the greatest. Her parent's fought, her dad drinksI think it should be drank, not drinks, and her mom was a workaholic. Sometimes she would always stay at Matt's house. Sighing, she set her phone back on her bed and tried to fall asleep again.

You should put texts in bold or something to really distinguish them from the other words. This story is good, it's one of the best short stories I've read so far. Nice job. All the stuff I've put notes on or edited are in red. But you knew that. Keep writing!!

Alzora

So the names kaka.
Kaka will review your peice today. I can be quite harsh but please don't take it all on board. Well I mean do. But like not that much. Haha

So I enjoyed your story. No idea why its in action and adventure when its really romance. Bit mixed up there!
If I was looking for a romance story I'd go to the Romance section. That could disappoint readers. I mean by not giving them what they are looking for.
However, if you do end up moving it to Romance make sure you add more in otherwise you'll get into trouble for moving it and not adding anything to it!!
I enjoyed your plot. A bit of a mystery mingled in with all the lovey dovey stuff. Nice man!
I liked the way you showed the txts. Gave the readers a bit of spark because I mean they were reading the lovebirds messages! Who knows what might come up in them!! So yeah kaka likes that.
I also enjoyed the dream at the start. Really cuaght Kaka with the knife bit. Hiding behind the covers moments!!!

Now the things I advice you on..
-Proof read!!! Your grammer mistakes are awful!!
- Don't make your writing feel so rushed. It was moving on incredibly fast,almost too fast to follow! One minute she's in the dream, then she's texting him then she's trying to go back to sleep.
- I didn't like how you described how all the girls liked him. It was to blunt and again rushed. " In Sophomore year every girl was after him." Also he was on the football team. Kaka reads many stories and all love happy endings have the popular guy on the footie team with all the girls crushing. Not interested in that ole fairytale!
-Read over your work and edit. Make sure you are happy with the way you've left it for others to read even if you feel like you'll just scribble down a few words then go. If you leave the ending to abrupt you won't be left wondering... You'll just feel -well oh. That was sudden and won't bother going back to read more.
-Overall well done!

Good story!
Kaka likes it but she thinks you should edit because it has the possibilty of being an amazing story.
Good luck
Kaka xx Pm me any time!!

Ok, overall this is a good piece. i don't go like in depth though I'm just going to give you my overall impression.
There are some typo's so you need to go over the entry and edit it a little.
when she is in the dream you need a little more feeling like: she stabbed herself and as she felt the searing pain she saw all the ones she loved pass her as she feel into death's dark embrace that would make readers want to read more.
You don't need 2 announce when she wakes from the dream, just do something like: Amy Lynn stretched and glanced out her window the sun blinding her with warmth and light okay thats about it.

Hiya! I'm Nike, here to review this lovely piece. I gotta get off soon though, so I'll speed thingsup.

1.) Love the idea
2.) I agree with the writers above me.
3.) Keep Writing!

Nike

heyya,
right i like the story flow to your 'story' (that's going to sound weird now i said it twice oh well ) for when they are texting i would say write the text in italic and then it would define the difference between texting and story telling, all i found one little slip up in the writing it's not really much and only one i could find was when she went to grab her mobile you put off of the pillow it should just be off the pillow just minus the of because i had to go over it a few times so.. any way i think this need to be built up on more develop how she felt when he sent her a text did she get light headed did she feel excited get a lump in her throat, all these need to be developed or thought about and i think that it would be good. I think you should all so just develop the apperance like she brushed her blonde hair off her sweating forehead as it felt like sticky syrup or something like that and it would built up and give it a good description so that would help but again i love the build up of it and it's very good!