Young Writers Society

December 17, 2202
Creed’s plan was as elegant as it was simple and full of faults. The plan was to have Clea and Rain scout out security in the bank one day and attack on the next day. Creed, Al, Clark and Aimi would go and rob it. Aimi wasn’t supposed to be in that group, but she had finally broke Creed and was able to convince him to take her along. If everything went according to plan, no one would be in danger anyways.
Rain, Basil, Clea, Elson and me stayed back on alert ready for a quick getaway should the need be. I had them prepare a winch just in case I got a chance to put my own plan to work. They didn’t understand, but I assured them that it’d be worth it even though I didn’t know for sure if it would be.
Well, Clea and Rain’s scouting went well, and everybody left the next day for the actual robbing. It wasn’t too long before I heard back from Aimi over the radio.
“Uh, Vick?”
“Yeah?”
“Creed threw out the plan and Al’s locked in the vault. And the cops are coming.”
“Al’s locked in the…? How the hell did he do that?”
“I don’t know! We need your help…”
“Let me on!” Creed interjected, “Vick, I have a…”
“I have a plan.” I finished.
“What?”
“I’m gonna winch the roof off of the vault!”
“Winch?”
“Yes! I’m gonna winch it! Winch it!”
“But I have a…”
“Too late, get ready!” I turned off the radio and reached for the ship’s intercom, “Okay everybody! Turns out Creed needs our help, so get the winch ready for release on my command!” Before anyone could respond, I turned off the intercom and took off for the St. Outlands bank.
From the reports given to us, which Creed left in the ship, the bank seemed to have the equivalent to a Styrofoam roof above the vault. All I had to do was attach the winch and fly and it should come off no problem.
Creed, Aimi and Clark were on the roof when I got there. I could see sirens in the distance. We didn’t have much time. I got into position and ordered the winch down. Clark and Creed attached it to the roof’s edge and I gunned it forward. A huge chunk of the roof came off no problem and landed in the middle of the street. I then maneuvered the winch into the hole and Creed and Clark helped Al with the bags of money. Aimi jumped on and started to climb into the cargo bay. Slowly.
By this point, the sirens were really close and I could see the vehicle approaching. Yes, there was only one vehicle but it was a tank complete with a large cannon. Al, Clark and Creed were finished up with the bags on the roof and were grabbing three each. I started to fly forward.
Clark and Al were ready and jumped on no problem. Al even did a front flip and grabbed on circus style with his legs. Creed and Aimi on the other hand, were not ready. Aimi almost lost her grip and slid down a little bit and Creed, well he missed entirely and face planted on the ground. He scrambled up and grabbed onto the end of the winch that was dragging on the ground but fell again and ended up being dragged face-first behind Eden as I flew her close to the ground.
Truth be told, I was afraid that if I sped up, everyone would fall and we would lose the money, so I maintained height and speed and prayed everyone would make it before the pursuers opened fire on us. Speaking of pursuers, they caught up to us no problem and had started shooting at us. They were probably aiming for the hangars-on since bullets don’t do much against a ship like Eden.
“Elson!” I barked over the intercom, “Go and help Basil! Rain, Clea, get out and get those damn cops off of my ass! Get the money no matter what!”
“Winch plan not working?” Clea taunted back at me.
“Oh it’s working. I’m making sure of that. By this time tomorrow, we’ll all be 100 dollars richer.”
As I barked out orders, Aimi and Clark were able to make it onto the ship avoiding the gunfire from the pursuers. Creed wasn’t doing very good; he had just hoisted himself up a bit when a volley of gunfire came at him and hit him in the foot. He yelped and slid back down to his knees. Al, on the other hand was able to expertly dodge the fire and continue climbing.
Then, I heard the sound that I was dreading. They fired the cannon and I couldn’t dodge in time. It hit the cargo doors denting them a little. It wasn’t much, but the seal had been compromised and I couldn’t escape back into space. They fire again doing more damage to the seal.
“Vick!” Clea yelled through the intercom, “We’re being massacred here!”
“I’m trying the best I can! Rain, use the smoke bombs!” Rain threw some smoke bombs and as she did, Al jumped off the rope. The smoke completely engulfed him and the pursuers, but Creed was able to use the time to finally make it inside. Aimi immediately took him to the infirmary to help with his new wound.
“What about Al?” Clark asked. As if in answer, the tank blew through the smoke with Al on top with both of his massive hunting knives drawn.
“ALLLLL!” He yelled and stabbed through the roof and peeled it back like a tin can. He dodged some gunfire, then stabbed one man through his head and swung the other knife easily decapitating the other.
“I’m going to get him.” Clea said and after she got into one of the shuttles, I ejected it. Meanwhile, Al was steering with a knife that was still sticking out of the driver’s head. Clea pulled up beside the tank with the shuttle and opened the door. Al withdrew his knife from the driver’s cranium and easily jumped into her shuttle. The tank lost control and flipped as soon as Al had done so.
“Clea,” I said, “I’ll meet you in the mountains.”
“I’ll make sure you’re not followed,” Clea said, “And good work getting the money, Vick.”
“That almost sounded like a compliment.”
“Well, don’t get used to it.” I laughed and flew off for the St. Outland’s mountains.


May 10, 2210
“And that was our first mission for the Tongs.” I said after finishing the story. I took a drink from my coffee while I let Lyn ponder it. She obviously didn’t believe me.
“You worked for the Tongs?”
“Yes.”
“I find that hard to believe as they were destroyed after a sting operation two years back.”
“A sting operation orchestrated by Elson Nees.”
“Yes. And I also don’t believe that you were his mentor.”
“Well, believe it or not, doesn’t make it any less true.”
“Do you have any evidence?”
“Now, I would have to have Elson or one of my crew for that. Either way, I don’t care if you believe or not, doesn’t really change our current situation. I don’t think I’m ready to tell the rest anyways.”
“Carry on then. Let Pat or I know if you need any help.” She got up and left me alone. No, I didn’t care if she didn’t believe. I couldn’t bear to relive that experience. At first it was fine and profitable, but we soon discovered the Tong’s true objective. And the chain of events that unfolded led to our separation as a team.

This is a really great story, first off. Though I haven't read part one, I still was able to follow around. however, it could use a bit of fine-tuning. The initial 'scout the first day, rob the next' plan is fine, but elaborate on exactly how Creed plans on going about his robbing. Who's skills will be used for what? what weapons or strategies would they use? What's their back up plan? Instead of saying that the scouting went well, elaborate on what they found out. how many guards are there, and are they strong? well armed? lazy? Did they get a hold on any blueprints of the vault or the building? did they scout what type of vault it is to know how to get inside?

and then, the winch plan. where is the winch? how big is it? how does it work? The transition between planning and the plan not working is too fast. at least say how long they had to wait, or the feelings of worry or nervousness they felt while awaiting a call or some signal of how it was going. or if they were completely confident it would work, say that. The winching off the ceiling and escape was hard to follow, maybe because too many characters were being monitored at the same time. juggling a lot of characters is an acquired skill, and sometimes takes a lot of painstaking writing and re-writing. also, why would they send a tank to a bank robbery? i think a number of police cars/ships would arrive first, and maybe after a bit of chasing they call in the tank as backup? Unless this isn't fit for the futuristic world, that is.

All in all, just a bit of explanation and tweaking is needed to make this story better. keep writing!