Young Writers Society

Gillia's God



Gillia doged behind a tree. All she could think was, they caught me! I can't believe they caught me! Sweat dripped into one of her dark chocolate brown eyes.Gasping she started to run...agian.

It seemed she was always running after her new found frienship with one of the Isrealite slaves. That slave had saved her life; not from death but from something much worse. The lie, the lie of the gods,the lie that you must worship stone,stone that won't give you anything in return no matter how hard you pray to them. Her least favorite was the god "rah" he looked remarkably like a dog with evil smirk of a face. He sat there looking very smug and pleased with himself. No, the stone gave nothing, but as Gillia was finding out there was someone who answered your prayers.Gillia wasn't positive that there really was an all powerful God, it sounded to good to be true.

She hugged the clay walls of the slave's houses. Her dark black hair fell out from behind her ear. Once agian she was grateful for the thin white silk clothing that she and her fellow Egyptians wore. The desert sun was hot.Some soldiers marched past dragging a old passed out lady behind them. Gillia thought they carried themselves rather importantly. She thought of them more like pigs than noble soldiers. The old lady was somewhat small and very frail. Gillia looked at the ladies clothes. She must have passed out from the heat, she thought her clothes are so thick! The soldiers wore long swords that hung at thier waists and gleamed in the sun. The swords were not what Gillia was worried about.The long leather whip in the hand of the tallest soilder was what caused her to tremble.The whip could leave a two inch deep wound wherever it struck.
Gillia knew this because her slave friend, as an infant, was struck by one leaving a long deep scar across her back. Gillia instinctivly took a step back.Behind her a loud crash and shattering sound startled her and caused the blood in her veins to turn to ice. "What was that?" Asked one of the soldiers dragging the old lady."Go find out you numbskull," ordered the man with the whip. He seemed to be the one in charge.The man let go of the lady's arm causing the man holding her other arm to stutter and drop her (and not gently I might add) on the ground. She was at the mercy of soldiers who could care less if she died right on the spot.

But Gillia couldn't be concerned with that now, the man started to walk towards her, sword drawn and an evil smirk on his face. Gillia stifled a gasp, the man walked closer. Just then out of nowhere a scream sounded and a large scarlet blanket was thrown over the man's head. She did gasp then, her mind screamed at her to run but her feet felt glued to the ground. "Run you fool" whispered a deep voice hoarsly.The sword the soldier had been holding was laying at Gillia's feet. The very sharp tip of it sparkled.
That was all Gillia needed.

It was as if an electrical charge had been sent up her spine. She ran as fast as she could stopping every few minutes to pull in a lungful of air. Her long tan legs were good for taking long strides, but she couldn't keep up the chase forever.Gillia ran out of the village of mud houses and toward the wells where the slaves were allowed to get thier daily water rations. Luckily it wasn't drinking time so Gillia had the water all to herself. She drank her fill then sat down to sort her day.

Could you please put formatting and spacing in all of your parts for this story (you have it in some, but not in most)? It's very cumbersome to read through when it's all placed altogether and not divided into prosaic elements. Doing so would most likely get you more reviews as well.

This story held my interest, but there were a couple points that made me less than enthusiastic about the piece as a whole. Everything was a little bit too obvious. The second paragraph's discussion of the gods stated outright what should be shown to the reader. Saying that the Egyptian gods were nothing doesn't do anything for me and comes off as preachy, whereas events in the story showing that the Egyptian gods are worthless are far more interesting. Also, the Egyptians are described directly as "evil" and are brutal for the sake of being brutal. This makes them end up seeming like stock "bad guys" and makes the story less interesting.
The saved-at-the-last-minute plot piece also made the story seem unoriginal. If you're going to have something like that happen, try to make it as unique as possible to hold the reader's attention.
This story has the potential to be interesting, it just needs some work to make it more unique and subtle.

Okay, well, I read through it, and it seems interesting. I do agree with Nightshade, about how you stated a lot of facts in the second paragraph. Don't be afraid to stretch it out. It makes for a good story Anyway, I noticed some errors, and i need to state them out...because i'm really picky about them.

as the god "rah" he

I'm not sure about this one, but if it's a god, shouldn't it be capitalized?

Her dark black

Needs to be a comma after dark.

past dragging a old passed out lady behind them.

There needs to be a comma after old.

at thier waists

Spelling error-needs to be their

The long leather whip

Comma after long.

eaving a long deep scar

Comma after long, again.

drop her (and not gently I might add) on the ground.

I think you need to find a way so that the part in parentheses isn't in parentheses. It just doesn't look well in the story.

Her long tan legs

comma after long...

Luckily it wasn't drinking time

Comma after luckily

She drank her fill then sat down to sort her day.

I just felt that was a weird way to end the story. Some soldier might have been able to injure/kill her if she was not saved by a mysterious someone. Then after that, she simply sits to think about happens. Just an opinion.

Not sure if i got everything, but hope this helped.

This was an interesting piece. I didn't do a full grammar review, but in the second paragraph when you said "It sounded too good to be true" to should be spelled too. And is agian suppose to be spelled that way. The piece was full of description except for the last two sentences. They lacked description, and didn't seem like a good way to end the piece. Also a few of the sentences were short and choppy, and could have been written smoother. Other than that it was a well written piece and it has a lot of potential. I'm on my way to read the second story right now .


-lilgreendots <3

Alright, so, this has potential to be a good piece, but right now all I see is too much detail, not enough description and emotion.
As I reader, I want the MC-not the writer-telling me the story. Put everything through their eyes, adding in detial were needed. Show the reader, don't make everything so straightforward.
Remeber, show don't tell.

~WickedWonder