Young Writers Society

The three of them walked casually towards the city. Anyone who happened to be passing by would just think that an Egyptian girl was taking a stroll with her slaves. However, if it had been anyone that knew Gillia and her family she might have been in trouble.
Everyone who knew Gillia and her family knew that they did NOT believe in slavery and had none of thier own. This was considered very strange and her and her family were often looked down upon because of it. By the time they had reached the city, the sun had set and the dark clouds were taking over the sky. They headed over to Gillia's house.

"Gillia?" called a familiar voice.

"Father!" cried Gillia in delight.

"Rea, is that you?" Said Gillia's father as he embraced her.

"Yes" said Rea meekly.

"My we haven't seen you since the double work order for slaves was set in motion." said Gillia's father.

"Not to mention the cut of water rations," offered Codian.

"Yes, that to," laughed her father.

"We're not here for idle chat," said Rea. "We're here on important business."

"Is that so?" said Gillia's father turning back to his work. "What's the important business?"

"Moses visited the pharoh agian and if you don't get everything of value in it's all going to be destroyed in a giant hailstorm!" said Rea. She had to stop to take a few quick breaths before she was able to continue. "We'll help you anyway we can sir," she said.

"Oh bother that Moses fellow what does he have agianst the pharoh? or the Egyptians for that matter, Jina, Corlia come here my darlings." called her father.

"Yes father what is it?" At the door stood a tall girl with short black hair and glittery brown eyes. An older woman came to the window, she looked alot like the younger girl only older.

"What is it Zirian?" the woman said tiredly.

"Hurry take the horses in, I'll take care of the rest of the harvest, hurry!" Zirian turned away as if to hide his worry.

"We can still help," offered Rea.

"No, go home, I don't want you two to be outside when his storm hits," said Gillia's father.

"It's okay, the hail can't hurt us," said Codian almost smugly. "Hush" hissed Rea. "May God bless you!" called Rea with a wave. Gillia and her father did not return the blessing.

TheNewHero, here to review!

My general impression of this piece is that it was by far too short, too brief, too undefined. I understand that the Bible doesn't narrate things in a personal form and is not a novel, but this is and you don't have to be so... rigid. Explore a bit.

Here are some things you should develop (I'll try and keep this brief):

Emotion
A Hurricane is coming! Where is the fear? Where is the dread? Where is the cursing or the praise? These two kids must show more emotion besides just their rushed voices. The only character with some emotion is their father. He darns Moses which is unexpected and interesting. You could really extend this piece by adding emotion. And how would you add emotion?

Setting
Setting = Atmosphere = Stronger Dialogue = Emotion. Setting = Emotion. Of course, we know this is Egypt and you don't have to describe the dust rising into the air. That's too physical. Try for a more abstract description. Okay, you have a gloomy scene here, for example. The sky is dark. But for some reason the Egyptians don't seem to notice? You could even strengthen the father's personality by having him say how worried he was that the girls were gone and he saw a storm approach. And then they could explain it is Moses' doing. But that's just me intruding. Nonetheless, use your setting.

Dialogue
This is the least of your problems, in fact it is perfect. But the reason I include it in here is because your dialogue, being the most noticeable part of your writing, let's us see just how much a story is evolving. By simply reading where a character is and what they say, we should be able to work out (roughly) what a scene is about. You did this. But there was so little else involved in the dialogue that it made us realize just how short the whole piece is. Not necessarily a bad thing, but that makes you wonder: Can this author fit real emotion into this one scene?

Names
I really have no dominion or even a say in the naming of your characters. I won't pretend to say you could use more 'English' names like Jacob or Benjamin because I understand how that could confuse between different stories. But take this from someone reading your story for the first time, your names are a tad confusing. A name is supposed to present character, even better than eye or hair colour ever could. Compare Jack Ryan to Cecil Nevilles to Percy Longbottom. Jack Ryan might be a hunter, right? Cecil Nevilles might be some archaeologist or otherwise cultural person. Percy Longbottom is obviously very different from Jack Ryan. I don't know where you got your names from, but I don't really think it would be harmful to sway from being perfectly specific in naming and just choose a name that easier describes character or is easier to remember. Either that, or your characters should strike us so well we can't help but remember their names. Don't put too many syllables and consonants as well.

Good idea, but not written to what I might fancy. I've noticed this is how many of your pieces are written and I assume this might be your style. If it is, then feel free to totally discard my suggestions because if it is how you write then that's how YOU write.

God bless,
TheNewHero