Young Writers Society

Loretta's sun blond hair streamed behind her as she flounced away from Matthew and Esther. She turned and smiled at Esther,

"Essie, leave 'em. He's got no right what-so-ever to be treatin' us that way, so now he's got 'is lesson." Esther looked at Loretta in a confused expression. Her dark brown hair was falling out of the tight braid that sauntered down her back. The chocolaty-brown eyes that have been so full of laughter and secrecy had a hurt look. Esther smiled weakly,

"Is... he dead?" She squeaked.

Loretta laughed. "No, you ignorant child! He's fainted. Now come along before he wakes." Loretta turned and walked away down the small dirt path lined with trees, and in the direction of her small farm house.

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That night there was a fight. It took place in the small forest that surrounded Woodwin. A few boys, being boys, had gotten into an argument over something small, something stupid. They were punching each other, and some had begun to bleed.

Then a soft mist covered the ground and it semmed as though the air around them froze. Suddenly, a young girl, about nine years old, appeared out of the mist.

She spoke, "Boys, please stop fighting." The girl seemed innocent and absolutly normal. One boy lunged at her. She disappered and reappeared at the opposite end of the clearing in a silent instant.

The little girl smiled again, "I asked you nicley, please stop." Now the boys sensed that something was wrong. The boy that had lunged at her stepped up.

"Yeah, and what if we don't?" He coaxed.

The little girl took a step forward. "I don't like it when people disobey me, Stephen." At this, the boy stumbled backwards.

"How... How do you know my name?" He asked. The girl pushed her sun blond hair out of her eyes. They were green, like the surrounding underbrush. But not that soft, welcoming green. This was harsh, and crude.

The smile that she wore was twisted and evil.

She spoke again, "I can accsess all I need. I've told you before, I don't like it when people disobey me, Stephen." This time Stephen was brave. He was not going to be pushed around by a little girl.

"Yeah and what if we do disobey you? What happens then, freak?" He snarled.

"Well, when people don't do what I ask," She looked at her bare feet and pushed the mossy dirt around with her toe, "I get angry. And when I get angry, the person who disobeys me normally..." She paused and looked up slightly, so that an evil shadow was cast across her face. "The person who disobeys me normally gets hurt... bad." She smiled that twisted smile and whispered,

"Good night, boys," And then a bone-chilling breeze swept through the forest, and just like that, the girl was gone, and as you could imagine, the boys hurried home, and went straight to bed.

Hey! Okay, so this story seems good. Just a few things. First, to scrutinize.

Her dark, brown hair

comma after dark

The girl seemed innocent and absolutly normal. One boy lunged at her.

This seems odd, if the girl seemed innocent and normal, why would the boy lunge at her. Explain his reasons. Like he didn't like being told what to do, or something along that line.

blonde hair

misspelled blonde

But not that soft, welcoming green. This was harsh, and crude.

Shouldn't the "this" be they, if you are still talking about the eyes?

Mkay, so i understand that they were creeped out by the girl, but why was she there in the first place? Also, seeing how the boys seemed "brave," instead of simply accepting the fact that she would hurt them, should they question that. Because after all, she is only a nine year old girl. Also, what does the first part of the story, with Loretta and Ester have to do with the second part. I noticed that this was part two of a piece of writing, so i'm assuming that Loretta and Esther ties in with the first part. Seeing how the writing with Loretta and Ester is small in this post, I wouldn't recommend adding it. It may make some readers confused, seeing how it doesn't tie in with the boys fighting and creepy girl.

Also, this was a bit short. I'm figuring that since you already wrote a continuation of your first post you probably plan on making a continuation for this. If so, wait a little or just add more detail. Describe each characters feelings/emotions.

So, i jumped around a bit. I'm not even positive this makes sense, if it does, hope it helped! If it doesn't...sorry
Anyway, i'd like to see where this goes, if you plan on writing more. Bye!

Hi! Is this going to be part of a novel? If so, you should move it to action adventure novels. It seems more like a fantasy though... with nine year old girls who can dissapear and reappear wherever she wants? Not your average thing.

The girl seemed innocent and absolutly normal. One boy lunged at her.

This seems odd, if the girl seemed innocent and normal, why would the boy lunge at her. Explain his reasons. Like he didn't like being told what to do, or something along that line.

I agree. No boy is going to lnge at a little girl. It's just jerkish. So maybe he made a move as if to lunge at her, just to scare her?

Everything esle was covered above. Keep up the great work!

Well, the thing is, the creepy 9yr old girl was Lloretta. The boy lunged at her because he was a thug, and well, he was brave, this girl was creepy, and he was determined to not get creeped out by a nine yr old. I think that if you read the f irst part, it would make more sense. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR YOUR REVIEWS! Next time, I'll try to make the text a bit clearer. FYI:I'm not really sure if it's part of a novel. I never plan out my sorties before I write them, and that is that bad thing about me... as a writer, at least.