Young Writers Society

Revised Version. Enjoy and comment:

Entry #1

The cars flashed by in mixed blurs. I strained my eyes down the road, desperately. I kept on telling myself that there had to be a way out of this. All mistakes can be fixed, right?

A truck thundered by, spewing up clouds of gravel and dust in its wake. I watched the gloomy red backlights edge further and further away. Maybe, maybe not.

The night air encased my heart in an icy shell. My hands fumbled to bring my drenched coat tighter. There had to be a way out. I could feel them now, searching the cattails and marsh. I could almost hear their whispers, echoing of the face of the lake: daring me to show my face.

I was wet and tired. My throat burned, like when I used to do my morning runs. I swallowed the fire. There was no way, not even the slightest notion, of giving up. I had come too far. So I took the exhaustion, the fear, the weakness, and let it fall away. There was no time to think, no time to cry. I was the hope. I was the hero.

We have brought our cups
To drink deep and breathe
The blood of innocence
From the heart of the free

The whispers. I could understand them, and it sent prickles down my spine.

The thing was coming fast, and from the slight electrifying static across my skin: it was angry. The mere energy from the thing hammered onto the walls of my head, but I ignored it and stepped onto the road. In two breaths I had reached the center of the road and turned to face it.

The first one I had ever encountered was one of depression. Depression was a snake, constricting the happiness out of everything. Hate had been the next, with putrid eyes and a haughty tongue. But this one was different from the rest. It stood perfectly still in front of me, a tattered cloak revealing a skeleton underneath. A black skeleton. The hood was drawn, shadowing the face. A black face.

“Where are your wings, angel-boy?”

The pain was terrible. Its voice, like the rest of them, was a knife through my heart. The acidic vibratos wrenched any confidence I had away in a taloned hand.

I dropped my coat to the gravel and let them spread in defiance. Dark and powerful. The wings of a predator. The wind was cold against my skin. The monster roared forward. I stood my ground.

My feet left the ground, wings carrying me forward. My arms wrapped around the monster in mid-air. It was like hugging a column of fire. The road gave way under us as we landed. I lost my grip, and skidded across the road. In a second I was onto my feet again. Not quick enough. Boned talons sunk into my chest, driving me back down to the ground. The bubbling white light faded gently in my heart.

My hand clasped the arm of the monster and ripped them out. I gasped for air. They had been dreadfully close.
The next attack came from inside me. I had made a fatal mistake. Its venom was in my blood now. I had let the monster inside my head.

The Dragon has come for you angel-boy. His fire will consume you, consul you and complete you. Welcome him angel-boy. You can not say no to him.

In the shadows of my mind I could feel the pavement against my back, and the talons digging into my chest again.
My heart pumped. Faintly.

A scream tore though my torment. My scream. I was dying.
I saw His face then. Those eyes. A golden crown of a king. His mouth whispered something. The torturous demon screamed in fury, trying to mask his words. I strained, the pain was blinding all my senses.

Get up.

I hesitated.

Strength is found in the absence of fear. Get up, and fight for your king.

I swallowed again, tasting poison on my lips. Fear. I must not fear.

And once again I ripped them out, and flung the beast off me. Before it could recover I jumped to my feet and bounded over. I was in the air before it moved. When it did, it was already too late. My hand grasped it by the neck, and pulled. The spine snapped and the head flew into the air. I landed on my feet and the white light returned in my heart. It bubbled like music.

There was whispering, but I couldn’t understand it. The cloaked figured disappeared before my eyes. I let out a sigh of relief, coughing up blood onto the pavement. My chest was covered in blood and burn marks. Warm blood that reminded me of roses. I stood to my feet and grabbed my jacket. Then I started walking up the road.
Once again, there was no time to think, no time to cry. I was the hope. I was the hero.

To continue on: Entry #2

~Valentine~

Thanks.

Nice, thats good. Intense.

thanks man.

That was very nice, and had great description, which I love. Painted a good picture of what was going on physically and psychologically. Neat!

painted a great picture of what was happening. Good spelling and grammar. I loved it.

glad you liked it

Hey! I'm going to get a lot more nit picky then the others. I do agree though, it was really good. I loved the intensity. Let's start!

I strained my eyes down the road, desperately.

That comma doesn't seem right there.

I watched the gloomy red backlights edge further and further away. Maybe, maybe not.

I don't get the Maybe, maybe not. part. I think you should get rid of it, it just confused me.

The night air encased my heart in an icy shell. My hands fumbled to bring my drenched coat tighter. There had to be a way out. I could feel them now, searching the cattails and marsh. I could almost hear their whispers, echoing of the face of the lake: daring me to show my face.

I LOVE the first sentince. The : seems misused though. I think it should be a comma instead.

The thing was coming fast, and from the slight electrifying static across my skin: it was angry

I think you ment to use a ; it would fit better. Also, here you say the thing. Earlier it was them. Later on you explain how it's just one thing. Change the thing before where they're searching for him to just a single thing.

In two paces I had hit the center, stopped, and turned to face it.

That doesn't sound right and it's a little confusing. I think you should change paces to strides, either way works, I just think strides flows better.

A black skeleton

try: A black skeleton. Do that when it talks about the face too.

The road gave way under us as we landed.I lost my grip, and skidded across the road

You repeated road here. Change the first one to ground?

I had been cocky, lazy.

I think that should be a semi-colen too.

The Dragon has come for you angel-boy. His fire will consume you, consul you and complete you. Welcome him angel-boy. You can not say no to him.

You need " " Around that, it sounds like someone's talking.

Good job!!! You did a really good job. I think you should turn this into a novel or nevella! Keep me updated if you do! Love always, R3G@N

I don't know if I'd class this as a short story, as there isn't much plot or character development. However, the piece itself is well written and interesting. I have a few nitpicks. . . .

echoing of the face of the lake

I believe you meant to say "off."

To drink deep and breath

"Breath" should be "breathe."

from the slight electrifying static across my skin: it was angry.

A better way to say this would be "from the slight electrifying static across my skin, I could tell it was angry."

The first one I had ever encountered was one of depression.

What kind of creature is he facing? It sounds like a demon of some sort, but perhaps a little more information on these monsters?

It’s voice,

"It's" should be "Its."

like the rest of them

"Them" should be "theirs."

I dropped my coat to the gravel and let them spread. Dark and powerful. The wings of a predator. The wind was cold against my skin. The monster roared forward. I stood my ground.

Okay, so this isn't exactly a nitpick, but I just had to tell you how much I loved this paragraph! I could almost see him standing there, wings spread, hair blowing in the wind, and most likely shirtless. Sexy as all get out.

My feet left the ground, wings carrying me forward.

I would use a word other than "forward" here, as you just used it in "The monster roared forward."

My hand clasped the arm of the monster and ripped them out.

"Them" should be "it," unless you are referring to something other than the arm.

They had been dreadfully close.

Who are "they" in this sentence?

The Dragon has come for you angel-boy. His fire will consume you, consul you and complete you. Welcome him angel-boy. You can not say no to him.

There should be a comma between "you" and "angel-boy," and also between "him" and "angel-boy."

can not

I think this should be "cannot."

I faintly felt the pavement against my back, and the talons digging into my chest.

My heart pumped. Faintly.

"Faintly" is repeated here.

I was in the air before It moved.

I don't think you meant to capitalize "It?"

Okay, I know I ripped it to shreds, but I really did like this piece. I would just like to see a lot more character development: Who is this guy? Why are the monsters hunting him? What makes him "the hope?" This has the potential to make a great story, and I could easily see it being part of a novel--a novel I would gladly read.

Keep up the good work!

~Warrior Princess

The cars flashed by in mixed blurs. I strained my eyes down the road, desperately. I kept on telling myself that there had to be a way out of this. All mistakes can be fixed, right? This grabbed my attetion, a way out of what??

A truck thundered by, spewing up clouds of gravel and dust in its wake. I watched the gloomy red backlights edge further and further away. Maybe, maybe not. Again, this also grabbed my attention, Maybe?? WHAT???

The night air encased my heart in an icy shell. My hands fumbled to bring my drenched coat tighter. There had to be a way out. I could feel them now, searching the cattails and marsh. I could almost hear their whispers, echoing of the face of the lake: daring me to show my face. I like this para. because it is all description, it really ties in nicely with the story.

I was wet and tired. My throat burned, like when I used to do my morning runs. I swallowed the fire. I rally, really liked that sentence, "I swalloed the fire" You captured that aspect very well. It feels like you have fire in your throught when you strep... so this guy must be in alot of pain... right? There was no way, not even the slightest notion, of giving up. I had come too far. So I took the exhaustion, the fear, the weakness, and let it fall away. There was no time to think, no time to cry. I was the hope. I was the hero. I like that, "There was no time to think, no time to cry. I was the hope. I was the hero." was sort of your title, the base of the story. It helps the flow.

We have brought our cups

To drink deep and breath

The blood of innocence

From the heart of the free

The whispers. I could understand them, and it send prickles down my spine. Foretaste! What's going to happen now?? I NEED to read on!

The thing was coming fast, and from the slight electrifying static across my skin: it was angry. The mere energy from the thing hammered onto the walls of my head, but I ignored it and stepped onto the road. In two paces I had hit the center, stopped, and turned to face it. Very descriptive! I like it!

The first one first one, what? I had ever encountered was one of depression. Depression was a snake, constricting the happiness out of everything. Hate had been the next, with putrid eyes and a haughty tongue. But this one was different from the rest. It stood perfectly still in front of me, a tattered cloak revealing a skeleton underneath. A black skeleton. The hood was drawn, shadowing the face. A black face. Again, foretaste!

“Where are your wings, angel-boy?”

The pain was terrible. It’s voice, like the rest of them, was a knife against my skin. Ouch.

I dropped my coat to the gravel and let them spread. Dark and powerful. The wings of a predator. The wind was cold against my skin. The monster roared forward. I stood my ground. Suspence!! At this point, I HAD to keep reading! That is the best feeling in the world, suspence!

My feet left the ground, wings carrying me forward. My arms wrapped around the monster in mid-air. It was like hugging a campfire. The road gave way under us as we landed. I lost my grip, and skidded across the road. In a second I was onto my feet again. Not quick enough. Talons sunk into my chest, driving me back down to the ground. White light bubbled up in my heart. Oh, no!

My hand clasped the arm of the monster and ripped them out. I gasped for air. They had been dreadfully close.

The next attack came from inside me. I had been cocky, lazy. It’s venom was in my blood now. The battle just got a lot harder.

The Dragon has come for you angel-boy. His fire will consume you, consul you and complete you. Welcome him angel-boy. You can not say no to him.

I faintly felt the pavement against my back, and the talons digging into my chest.

My heart pumped. Faintly.

A scream tore though my torment. My scream. I was dying.

But once again I ripped them out, and flung the beast off me. Before it could recover I jumped to my feet and bounded over. I was in the air before It moved. When it did, it was already too late. My hand grasped it by the neck, and pulled. The spine snapped and the head flew into the air. I landed on my feet and the white light returned in my heart. It bubbled like music. YAY!!!

There was whispering, but I couldn’t understand it. The cloaked figured disappeared before my eyes. I let out a sigh of relief. My chest was covered in blood. Warm blood that reminded me of roses. I stood to my feet and grabbed my jacket. Then I started walking up the road. The relief! I love this ending!

Once again, there was no time to think, no time to cry. I was the hope. I was the hero. I really like how you siad this in the begining, too.

Thanks. You're welcome!

That was awesome! Keep on writing, Valentine!

~Tee

I love how you put so much imagery in this. It made your story kind of like a movie! Great job, I was really hooked into to it since the very beginning. Very nice grammar, and very good hooks!

that was insanely good, I really liked it hope it gets published some day
gosh this website really shows you just how much natural talent some people have

I liked the story, very few spelling or grammar mistakes. My only criticism was a fact that took me really out of the flow of the story; after being impaled by the talons, poisoned and attacked once again the character simply gets up and wins the fight? Especially when there was no explanation, no interlude between practically dying and then just vanquishing his foe.

It probably seems like a very fine point but, as I said, it took me really out of a story I was entirely immersed in, and I just wanted to let you know.

Other than that, amazing story, keep it up!

hey thanks guys, I will edit it some and post some more.

hey thanks guys, I will edit it some and post some more.

Okay, I edited and added some things, tell me what you think.