Young Writers Society

Dear Ellen Taggart,

Ms. T remember that sweet boy we used to know him as Ryan? He has changed a lot. I don’t know how to tell you this. But that boy has done a lot of bad stuff. I had to tell somebody I didn’t know who to tell so I thought of you. Can you give me some advice to try to talk to him so he will not be the way he is. Ryan robbed a bank at two pm. it was a dark rainy day. He was dressed in a suit, it was all black and was made of metal and he told me that he actually doubled the metal in his suit so nobody could shoot him and kill him. He went in and killed ten people then he grabbed the cash and ran. Ryan told me that he can do some thing with his arm he told me he can turn it in to anything. At the robbery he said he turned it into a gun and shot like five people and the other five he killed with a sword. The helmet he was wearing is bullet proof because he told me that one guy actually got a shot at him and it hit his helmet and it did not do anything to him. He had a helmet on that was covering his whole face. He did this because he was not doing so well he had to pay a lot of people money so that is why he did this. When I found this out I was so shocked I did not know what to say. He told me not to tell anyone but it has been haunting me. Every time he kills somebody I feel like it is my fault so if you get this message please write back.
Sincerely fred jones

Hey there
Im a just going to add some paragraphs, punctuation to your work before I begin actually reviewing
My changes will be in red.

Dear Ellen Taggart,
paragraphMs. T ,remember that sweet boy- we used to know him as Ryan? He has changed a lot. I don’t know how to tell you this.,Bbut that boy has done a lot of bad stuff. I had to tell somebody and I didn’t know who to tell, so I thought of you.
paragraph Can you give me some advice toon how tryto talk to him so he will not be the way he is.?
paragraph Ryan robbed a bank at two pm. iIt was a dark rainy day. He was dressed in a suit, it was all black and was made of metal. and hHe told me that he actually doubled the metal in his suit so nobody could shoot him and kill him. He went in and killed ten people then he grabbed the cash and ran. Ryan told me that he can do some thing with his arm- he told me he can turn it into anything. At the robbery he said he turned it into a gun and shot likedont use the word 'like' in this way, ina letter five people and the other five he killed with a sword. The helmet he was wearing is bullet proof because he told me that one guy actually got a shot at him and it hit his helmet and it did not do anything to him. He had a helmet on that was covering his whole face.
paragraph He did this because he was not doing so well and he had to pay a lot of people money so that is why he did thisyou dont need to say that again . When I found this out I was so shocked I did not know what to say. He told me not to tell anyone but it has been haunting me. Every time he kills somebody I feel like it is my fault so if you get this message please write back.

Sincerely fred jones

Well, there we go.
You generally need to learn how to present your writing, and make sure you add punctuation where you need it.
I like the idea of this letter, and I especially like the last lines.
You show the characters emotions well.
A good way to know where to put commas and such, is to read your writing out loud, and see where you pause naturally.
if that makes any sense.
Also, reading helps, because you can see how writers and authors space out their writing etc etc.

Hope this review helped!
-Ava

dsatre wrote:Dear Ellen Taggart,

Ms. T remember that sweet boy we used to know him as Ryan? He has changed a lot. I don’t know how to tell you this. But that boy has done a lot of bad stuff. I had to tell somebody I didn’t know who you should say 'whom' to tell,<--comma so I thought of you. Can you give me some advice to try to talk to him so he will not be the way he is. <---It's supposed to be a question, so end with a question mark. Ryan robbed a bank at two pm. Capitalize--> it was a dark rainy day. He was dressed in a suit, it was all black and was made of metal and he told me that he actually doubled the metal in his suit so nobody could shoot him and kill him. He went in and killed ten people, then he grabbed the cash and ran. Ryan told me that he can do some thing with his arm; <--put a semicolon he told me he can turn it in to anything. At the robbery he said he turned it into a gun and shot like five people and the other five he killed with a sword. The helmet he was wearing is bullet proof because he told me that one guy actually got a shot at him and it hit his helmet and it did not do anything to him I find this part a bit unpleasant to read. Try rephrasing. He had a helmet on that was covering his whole face You don't need to repeat it. He did this because he was not doing so well, or ; he had to pay a lot of people money so that is why he did this You already stated the effect in the first part of this sentence. When I found this out I was so shocked I did not know what to say. He told me not to tell anyone but it has been haunting me. Every time he kills somebody I feel like it is my fault so if you get this message please write back.
Sincerely fred jones

I hope that helped!
And by the way, you can still work on this. You need to beautify this and maybe this might become a wonderful piece. More wonderful than it might be today.