Young Writers Society

An abandoned prison gets kind of creepy especially when a psychopathic person lives there. I was making my personal poison it was called insta kill. What I mixed was rat poison and tones of chemicals. I would take the bottom of a bullet and fill it with the poison chemicals. Then I toke my famous lead top and put it on the top and put it in a machine and pulled a lever and then lifted the lever and there was the bullet. For the arrows I would take a lead arrow head and dip it in the poison and then screw the arrow head onto the body. Then I left my prison after gearing up and went to the beautiful city of Chicago
I was walking along a roof top in Chicago. My name is Poison Shot. My crimson red hair was blowing in the wind. The extra pieces of my straight jacket were blowing in the wind. The wind was so strong that my black cargo pants were shaping to my legs. I had my favorite shoes on they where black DC’s with red righting on them. I had my 44 magnum pistol on my hip and my cross bow on my other. I had my bow and arrows on my back. In my hands I had my 12 gauge pump action shotgun. I had all of these different weapons because if I am in a different area different weapon would be better.
I pulled out my bottle of vodka and drank two mouth full’s of it and when I was about to take a third I heard I scream come from the ally next to the building I was on. I went over to the edge of the building I was on and looked over the edge and saw two guys holding guns to another guy’s head. I climbed down the side of the building and quietly snuck up behind the two guys. I stood up and asked “what is going on down here?”
The two guys turned around and they looked like they where in shock. They looked at my face and noticed my eyes. My eyes are as black as coal. They said “don’t kill us we know who you are! Your Poison Shot!”
Then they pointed there guns at me so I pointed my shotgun at one of them and shot him. Blood splattered all over the guy they where holding there guns to. Then in an instant I pointed my shotgun at the other guy with a gun. I shot him and blood splattered everywhere. The guy who had guns held up to his face said “thank you!”
Then I pointed my shotgun at him. Shock spread across his face while he said “what? Don’t shot me I won’t tell anyone!”
Then I said “Good-By!” Then I shot him.

My Opinions
I thought it was decent although it could been better. I think it was too short and unexplained really. It was just like an excerpt from a story. Or maybe it is? I saw your other one and people said that it was like that one story so I don't know.
-.-
I find the description bland and hard to imagine it. And seriously... waaayy too much weapons. Even I don't give my characters that much weapon unless they all have a purpose rather than being dangerous.
You didn't really describe Poision Shot very well. All I know is his name, a... psychopath?----and I know that he is feared.

Reflex1919 wrote:An abandoned prison gets kind of creepy especially when a psychopathic person lives there. I was making my personal poison put a comma or a semicolon it was called Capitalize the poison's name since it's a proper name Insta Kill. What I mixed was rat poison and tones I think you mean 'tons' of chemicals. I would take the bottom of a bullet and fill it with the poison chemicals. Then I toke do you mean 'took'? my famous lead top and put it on the top and put it in a machine and pulled a lever and then lifted the lever and there was the bullet Try rephrasing this. Like this: "I took my famous lead top and put above the blah-blah and into a machine. I pulled a lever and out blasted a bullet." Put it like that so it won't be confusing. For the arrows put a comma I would take a lead arrow head and dip it in the poison and then screw the arrow head onto the body. Then I left my prison after gearing up and went to the beautiful city of Chicago
I was walking along a roof top in Chicago. My name is Poison Shot. My crimson red hair was blowing in the wind. The extra pieces How many pieces does your jacket have? of my straight jacket were blowing in the wind. The wind was so strong that my black cargo pants were shaping to my legs. I had my favorite shoes on they where were black DC’s with red righting Do you mean 'writing'? on them. I had my 44 magnum pistol on my hip and my cross bow on my other. I had my bow and arrows on my back. In my hands I had my 12 gauge pump action shotgun. I had all of these different weapons because if I am in a different area different weapon would you should say 'will instead of 'would' be better.
I pulled out my bottle of vodka and drank two mouth full’s of it and when I was about to take a third I heard I scream come from the ally next to the building I was on. I went over to the edge of the building I was on You keep repeating 'I was on'. It's getting awkward and looked over the edge and saw two guys holding guns to another guy’s head. I climbed down the side of the building and quietly snuck up behind the two guys. I stood up and asked “what is going on down here?”
The two guys turned around and they looked like they where in shock. They looked at my face and noticed my eyes. My eyes are as black as coal. They said “don’t kill us put a comma we know who you are! Your You're, not your Poison Shot!”
Then they pointed there 'their' is the possessive pronoun, not 'there' guns at me so I pointed my shotgun at one of them and shot him. Blood splattered all over the guy they where were holding use the word 'pointing' instead of 'holding' there their is the right pronoun guns to. Then in an instant I pointed my shotgun at the other guy with a gun. I shot him and blood splattered everywhere. The guy who had guns held up to his face said “thank you!”
Then I pointed my shotgun at him. Shock spread across his face while he said “what? Don’t shot shoot, not shot me I won’t tell anyone!”
Then I said “Good-By!” Then I shot him.

You need to work on this more. I see that it can be pretty fascinating, if you just improve your wordings. Choose your words, so as not to bore or confuse readers. I am looking forward to a better version of this!

Hey,

Overall I thought it was a good piece. I think the others have pointed out most of the things I would say.Except you could put more details into the characters emotions. However I think it is still a good piece.

thanks for all of the opinions but it was just for a school prodject