Young Writers Society

He took the first step up the stairs, revolver in hand. His foot took it with a heavy thump, leg numb from cold and pain. Head spinning he swayed lightly in the stupor of his delirium.

Teresa knelt atop a wall, watching their retreat. Long red hair falling lightly down the back of her dark uniform. He turned around to say something to the other two, a light remark about the mission, about the stupidity of it all.
CRACK!

He ran his hand hand along an ovoid knot on the staircase handrail. So smooth. So perfect. Then his hand ran into a splinter. He didn’t bother removing the sliver of wood, it wasn’t worth it. He looked up, shadows stalking him from the corner of his eye. His hand explored the gun in his hand, the cold iron, the smooth oak grip, the six rounded chambers that smelled of powder.

Levi slipped between the two guards as they fell, necks bleeding from his daggers. He was so quiet now, none of the joking from before. Teresa had been with them for two years, day after day. All it had taken was a single shot, a single fall.
There had been no time to send her on.
Levi opened the darkened door that the guards had been standing before. He shouted out.
CRACK!

Tears fell on the steps as he continued on. They were probably his, but he wasn’t sure anymore. Nothing made sense after two days without sleep. He hadn't slept since Teresa fell, he had just ran. He could feel the weapon in his hand waiting patiently for the hair trigger of pressure it knew would come.

Andulov pushed the bathtub along the rails built into the floor. They could hear boots pounding down the hallway. Ortano placed the charge against the base of the door as Andulov revealed the secret passage. He scrambled down the secret staircase, feet almost slipping in the rush. He could smell smoke, the soldiers were lighting the door on fire.
Ortano looked up just in time to see Andulov thrown against the wall as the charge went off. Ortano was thrown off the ladder by the blast. He hit the ground and rolled, coming up he just kept on running. He couldn’t tell where he was, a sewer maybe. There was that terrible itching feeling between his shoulder blades though, even after he had gone a good hundred paces. He could almost feel the gun placed at his back.
CRACK!

The pressure built up in his trigger finger. There was only one person to blame for all of this. A set of red varnished double doors stood in front of him. He reached out with his hand toward the cold brass knob and turned it. Stepping through the door he pulled the trigger.

Hi there,

I don't usually critique action/adventure stories, but I really enjoyed this piece. Is it a prologue to something more, or just something meant to stand on its own? If it's a lone story, I think it would be good if you would add more. I love the mystery of this piece, but if it's going to stand by itself, a few more details would be nice. Why are they fighting? Who's the protagonist and the antagonist? What has put them against each other? Also, maybe instead of starting with a pronoun (he), go ahead and name the narrator at the beginning of the story so the audience can keep all the characters strait in the chaos.

I absolutely LOVE your description. It is probably my favorite part of this piece. So, good job! Also, I liked how you switched back from past to present, but I did get lost a couple times because I couldn't tell if the same characters were involved. Naming the main character earlier will also help with that.

To sum up, I'd love to see more detail added to this piece, unless it's the beginning of something longer in which all the questions the reader has will be explained at a later point. Thanks for sharing!

Yeah, this piece was actually one that I used for a 500 words or less competition. So basically this is just a teaser. I'm going to expand it when I get a chance. Thanks for the comment!

Hello there Isaac

He ran his hand hand along an ovoid knot on the staircase handrail.

I think that there is some sort of sophistication about your writing. You definitely have the ability to describe situations and events very eloquently. However, I think that you overdid it with the suspense a tad bit. I mean, in my opinion, if something this long with no real character development can get a bit boring and confusing.
Good job either way.
Keep writing

It was pretty good except I got lost because I had no clue as to what was going on.-_-
But it was really good. Mysteryious

hi isaac, i'm Psudiname and i'll be reviewing you today. in my opinion, a story is perfect when it has four things: charecter development, plot, description, and pizazz (or however one would spell it). so as for plot, it seemed intriguing, but we havent really gotten far enough to tell yet, so just make sure in later chapters you maybe have some narrative to explain what's going on with the plot. for charecter development i understand that it's a liberty you have a right to take to start an action story with straight action, but make sure eventually you slow down and explain who the charecters are, and why we should like/hate them. when an underdeveloped charecter dies, readers just go "oh ok... who was he again?" so its important to make us care who lives or dies. finally, for description and pizazz, I thought you did exceptionally well, and I admire your writing style. i like how you focus in on how it feels to be in the action, rather than just walking us through it. after all, anyone can say: "then he ran up the stairs. then he shot some dudes. the a guy with a knife showed up." but few can describe intricate details to the story, like how he couldn't even tell whos tears were falling due to the chaos of battle and lack of sleep. things like that add finess, so bravo.
keep writing, and if you ever need another review for anything i'd be glad to help, so just PM me. also i'd love some feedback on my own stuff, so don't be afraid to check out my newest project, 'caleb's story'.

your friend,
---Psudiname