Young Writers Society

Short, but gives a look into the characters mind. Tell me what you think. If you are confused, you should read this: Entry #1

Entry #2

After a couple steps up the road I leapt into the air and started flying. The demon poison was almost completely gone now. Only whispers remained. I had to reach Michael and the rest of the host before sunrise. Then we would draw swords to destroy the dragon once and for all.
A seven headed monster, made of hate, and coated with blood like roses. I smelled the night air. Crisp, and cold, like the eyes of the dragon. And black, like the heart that it wished it had.
My body was still burning however, but the light in my heart gradually bubbled through my veins and it subsided. In a moment my strength returned and the crimson lips of the wounds closed. As I soared through the empty expanse of sky, my gaze wondered above me.
The stars neither glowed nor shined. They just…were: Beautifully crafted embodiments of joy that never ceased to lighten my load of dread. I once wondered their purpose. The moon sufficed in lighting the night. But its silver sheen never brought music to my ears like the stars. They were beauty itself.
My gaze dropped in front of me again. A ballad rolled of my tongue in a whisper. The words brought back memories of before this. When love what not a warmth in your heart but a person that walked among you; A time when joy was not just a sparkle in the eyes but a glow that blessed the whole world. And a time when music was not a song to keep the sadness away, but an unrestricted fountain of worship. Those were the days.
But now evil walks with black cloaks and daggers. The same evil that I must try to destroy once and for all. There once was a world that was completely magical without magic. There was once time to think, to breathe in the dark velvet taste of night. But now all I could do was fly… and choke back the tears for what once was and may never be.
All through the night I flew, until the jagged peeks of my destination came into view. It was a magnificent sight. The sun was slowly rising behind the mountains, riming it in gold and red like the crown of a king. My landed noiselessly and my wings folded behind me simultaneously.
I didn’t have a time to take breath before the steel of a sword was pressed against my throat.
“Choose your last words carefully,” the voice I assumed the sword belonged to said.
“Death does not bind me. Nor does love blind me. I will live and die by the sword. Draw blood and yours will be drawn. Not by me, but by the King who sent me. Choose you actions carefully, for they may be your last,” I said.
The sword fell.
“It has been too long Valentine.”
“So it has brother, so it has.”
We embraced, and wept for joy. And the scarlet sun glinted off our tears.

~Valentine~

Please "like" it if for you do and feel free to comment and voice your ideas/advice. Thanks.

I'm a little confused on this: Is he flying to fight the evil? Or is he thinking about evil while flying? Or is he just having a deep thought while flying? Or is he possibly just thinking of being a hero, while flying?

There are shaky parts here and there, I will admit, but altogether, this is a good little piece of writing. Not like worth being sold off good, but good enough to be proud of it. That first paragraph is weird to me, though. If I were you, I'd rewrite it, especially the first sentence. It's a fragment, and fragments just annoy me a little, unless they're more or less understood. This really isn't. Never open with a fragment unless it's justified. Also, the part about the stars, I liked that. I liked how you put the colon there, yet it didn't need it. It added a slight pause and gave an idea of the hero's mental process on how he thinks, giving light to a more inner trait. Pretty neato.

If you lengthen this, PM me. I'd be plenty interested on reading more. Keep writing.

Sorry about the fragments, but that's just how I write. I am going to finish the entry, I was just hurried and decided to post it when it wasn't completely finished.

I decided to read both entries before reviewing, it helps give me a better picture of people's writing talent and such. With your first entry, I really loved all the emotion and thoughts in it, along with the action. I could see it all playing in my head like a movie. Gave me a sense of an arch-angel almost. The wings unfurling in the middle of the road; I loved it.

This piece, I liked it, but it wasn't as strong as the first piece. I found myself getting slightly confused and re reading, or my eyes skipping a line or two. Then again, I do have distractions at the moment....

Anyway, I love the use of all the metaphors in this piece. I have a question to ask. Where is he headed and why did his brother almost kill him? Where did he land? Also, on a good note, I could picture quite a bit of what was going on. Good job! I've always wanted to write a fantasy story like this with angels or fallen angels. When I read this, I think it would be defenitely be something I would go read if it became a book. Instant hook!

<3 Megan

I'm sorry you didn't like this as much as the first one. The mind of an angel can be confusing.

Ooh, I absolutely loved this. So much. It is exactly the kind of thing I love to read and the story is incredibly intriguing to me. I loved this entry every bit as much as I loved the last one. Keep me posted if you write more!!

To a girl who has "A Fallen Angel" below her name. I imagine this story will be perfect for you, haha. I am glad you liked it.

I really enjoy this!!! I have to admit, your writing style, though simply beautiful, is a little hard to follow.

"My gaze dropped in front of me again. A ballad rolled of my tongue in a whisper. The words brought back memories of before this. When love what not a warmth in your heart but a person that walked among you; A time when joy was not just a sparkle in the eyes but a glow that blessed the whole world. And a time when music was not a song to keep the sadness away, but an unrestricted fountain of worship. Those were the days. "

That, is AMAZING right there as far as description and just generally sounding nice goes, but it doesn't have much back up--it's hard to get where you're coming from. You see, for me, I imagine Valentine being in the End Times, and he's thinking of earlier days as in centuries past when the world was (you can gather this from your writing by the way) less evil, more simple so to speak. When you explain the seven headed monster that the character is going to have to fight--well that's where I get my perspective from with the End Times and what not. I'm really excited to read this, I literally got chills and really, really want to read more.