Young Writers Society

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Hey Gheala,

It's funny because I'd been thinking about you, wondering when you'd post more and here you are!

My mouth was gagged and I couldn’t scream my pain to the dark emptiness of the cold room. My hands were tied to the pipe behind me so I couldn’t reach out and break his neck in two, or skin him and let him slowly bleed to death while I break every bone in his body.

I noticed a few inconsistencies in your verb tenses throughout this piece. I out in bold an example of past and italics one of present.

I felt my skin splitting open like a piece of fabric being torn.

I like the vividness of this.

I stared up at his face, while he stood on his knees and knelt down to do a better job

This didn't make sense to me. SHe looked up whil ehe knelt down?

‘Look down!’ He said and slapped me with the heel of the blade hilt, hauling a moan of pain from my throat and a gasp for breath when the hit was insistently followed by an unpredicted slash of my skin.

he should be lower case and I really don't know what you mean by 'hauling'. . .
Also, when you're insistent with something, it's continuous. But you follow the word with 'unpredicted'. Doesn't make sense.

Chuckling happily, I watched him running a finger along the most recent wound, covering his skin with my blood.

First of all, it isn't clear who's chuckling here. Second, cut the 'happily' out. We get what you mean.


Ok, done with the nitpicks. Did I feel pain? Almost. I think you did a great job, but there was missing something. I'm not sure what. I wasn't quite there with them, you know? Perhaps you can play with the five senses a little more.

She's tied to a bar. Is it cold, warm? Is she completely naked? Is her body burning with the fever of her wounds? Is the bar a relief? She said she felt his breath. What did it smell like? Putrid? Like roses? Like Bacon? I think playing with your senses will help. For example, I'M sitting here at my laptop. I hear the whirring of the cooling fan. My lips are parched and I keep licking them; I'm thirsty. My keyboard is warm beneath my fingers. The smell of my supper fills the air and my nostrils and I'm still hungry.

See what I mean? Can you relate to any of that? I think it's the one big thing that will take your scene there. Other then that, I liked it. I'm intrigued and interested to find out the how and the why. What happened to her? Who is that man?

Let me know if you edit and repost, I'd love to reread it

Tanya.

Thanks Tanya. Yea, I felt the same thing: The piece wasn't entirely fulfilling to me. I'll rewrite it and try to fix things. That's how sad pieces work with me, I'm too sad to write them that I end up forgetting to write things down. Lol.
Oh! He's a boy, not a girl His name is Julius, but that doesn't show here. And yes, I can relate to the examples you gave me because I actually always pay attention to the surroundings. Hm.. I'll definitely rewrite! Lol
Thanks a lot, Tanya.

Gheal! You didn't tell me you posted something. *meanface*

Anyway, I'll review this nonetheless.
Okay so it seems like Tanya kind of went over the little nitpicks and what not so there's not much for me to pry out. However, I still want to compliment you on the way you write torture. You're good at it and as far as I know there are a few people who don't know what true torture is, not it's not beating you until you're on the verge of death it's slow and painful and it's the little things that make you cry. Well, as far as I know and I'm not the torture expert either.

Anyway, this is another excerpt from your novel? Amazing, this really makes me want to read it. You have a very nice writing style, it's descriptive but not cluttered and your flow makes it easy for us to track and imagine one action after the other. Okay so I agree with Tanya on the senses part. You seemed to dwell a bit too much on the physical things and not enough on the actual 'feeling' of it all. I'm not sure if you know what I'm talking about but hopefully it sparks something.

Well, that's it for my slacker-review. Let me know when you post something else from your novel. ^^

-Pink

Alright, so, wow. That was really good. Like really, really good

I honestly have nothing negative. Your emotion here was just right and I really truly felt it. Yes. I did feel your MC's pain, and you did a very good job portraying that. You have a strong sense of character, too, so I could really know whats going on, and I enjoyed that.

Good Job
~WickedWonder

This was very good, and very disturbing, which is also good. I only have one point.

You said: "Chuckling happily, I watched him running a finger along the most recent wound, covering his skin with my blood." The first time I read this, I thought the narrator was chuckling happily, which made me very confused. Why is he chuckling happily? I asked myself. He (or she, as the case may be) is being tortured! And then I reread, and realized that the torturer was the chuckler, and then things fell into place. So. So you could probably rewrite that pretty quickly.

Thank you for sharing!

Lol. Pink, I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want to bother you with my posts. I'm happy that you liked it and I started to pay attention for senses and emotions as I keep writing. And yes, you're right! Torture isn't about being cut or slit open, but about the joy that the one torturing you is having when he hears your screams and sees your tears. It isn't the physical pain either, but the anguish that comes from the fact that you're crying against your will, being trapped against your will, knowing that things won't be solved except when the one torturing you says so.
Thanks Wicked and Kaitlin. I'm glad you liked it and I was surprised at the 'Chuckling happily' sentence and didn't know exactly how I missed it when I reread. Lol

You know what, dudes? I was feeling so awfully negative and in lack of inspiration and vocabulary, which made writing a little tricky. But then I logged in and found these comments and now I'm feeling --> Yippy!!!! Lol. Thanks a lot. Seriously, thanks a lot.

Oh, by the way! I miss you, Pink!

This was very well written, yes, we can feel his pain. The descriptions give a clear detail of what is happening in the scene, however disturbing it may be. Reading this makes me want to read the rest of your novel!

Thank you! It's disturbing in a good way. I'm so glad you liked it

I felt my skin splitting open like a piece of fabric being torn.
That really helped me understand what the character was going through, overall i really enjoyed reading that and when your books is done i would love to read it.

Gotta say, I really liked it. The characters were well formulated. Your descriptions were next to immaculate. It reminded me alot of the torture scene in Reservoir Dogs but only with a heavier tone of frustration instead of despairity.

liquiddeath, I'll tell you when it's finished! And I do like that sentence too.
No body ever described my writings as immaculate, or even close to that. Sheperd, I read your comment about five times, a huge smile ridiculously widening my lips. Thank you, I seriously thank you for thinking my writing was that good.

I found the description of the suffering and pain your character experienced very interesting and it is very well written, it feels as if you are there in the room with them. Well done.