Young Writers Society

moo.

Hello there, Emmzziee! It seems you really are into the Christmas spirit, as you are writing Christmas stories. I find that I always think of a great Christmas story - in the middle of summer.

Emmzziee wrote:A beautiful sensation was in the air on December 24th; and a man, who went by the name of Mr. Clause, was sat by a log-fire in his cozy little house; Sleigh-Bell Street, Lapland.

When writing out dates, like December twenty-fourth, always completely write it out; don't use the numbers. So, yes, take that extra minute and write out "twenty-fourth." Also, it should be, "Mr. Clause," not "Mr Clause." The part where you say he was "sat by a log-fire" also feels a bit odd to me when I read over it. "Cozy" with a z, not an s. The use of two semicolons is a bit unnecessary to me; why not just use periods and then start a new sentence?

Emmzziee wrote:He had magnificently large feet, which were resting on a cozy cotton cushion; after all, this man he had a big night ahead of him, and so he needed plenty of rest.

I think the "he" after man is unnecessary. The repetition of cozy (you also used it as an adjective in the first paragraph/sentence) was also noticeable.

Emmzziee wrote:He was kept busy making the last Naughty-and-Nice checks on his great big list; tick, tick, tick. While Mrs. Clause was making a light snack for him in the kitchen to keep up his energy: Fifty Homemade Cinnamon and Spice Cookies.

The "While" before Mrs. Clause is not needed, and actually makes the sentence confusing. Also, I do not think "Fifty Homemade Cinnamon and Spice Cookies" needs to be capitalized; actually, I am quite sure it doesn't.

Emmzziee wrote:In Mrs. Clause’s mind, there was nothing more delicious and warming at this time of year, and she was probably right.

The dot after Mrs. is needed.

Emmzziee wrote:that it must be bitterly cold out there.

"Bitterly cold" sounds so odd to me - not a very good combination. Why not try, "very frozy out there," or something of that sort?

Emmzziee wrote:“Oh, I have some very bad news. Very bad news indeed!” He said.

Mr. and Mrs. Clause both looked concerned.

I thought Mrs. Clause was in the kitchen? Is the kitchen in the same room as the one Mr. Clause is in?

Emmzziee wrote:“Oh, it is, it is. Come and see for yourselves!”

Why was "it" capitalized?

Emmzziee wrote:"Oh, Dippy..." Mr. Clause said. "Thank you ever so much for letting us know..." he said sorrowfully.

Sorrowfully, in a children's story? Really?

Emmzziee wrote:Mrs. Clause and Mister Clause went straight to the toy-factory while Dippy cleaned himself up. Mr. Clause put a handful of mistletoe inside of one, and Mrs. Clause blew a kiss into it. The machine cooked and sizzled and soon, a warm drink was produced; and it smelt almost as yummy as Mrs. Clause's cookies.

Mr. Clause put a handful of mistletoe into one what?

Emmzziee wrote:Rudolph was at the very front of the sleigh, his great big nose sparkling; glossy and red; and a little bit orange too, because of all of the carrots he'd found; in children's houses, all over the world...!

The extra ellipse (...) at the end before the exclamation mark is truly not needed.

Overall

This story, despite it's errors, was a pleasure to read. The Christmassy themes were wonderful and yet I feel that if you are going to have a story set in the North Pole - when you mention the toy factory, you'll have to describe how large and grand it is!

However, when using describing words in a children's story, keep in mind your audience. Many parents will have their child read the stories out loud to them, as well as the parent reading it to the child, so it just won't do to have words like "sorrowfully" and "extravagant" or anything like those. Children can't say those words, and unless they're some kid genius, they won't understand what they mean, either!

I also did not understand how mistletoe was the appropriate cure. I understand mistletoe as the plant people kiss under (ha ha), but do not see why it was the exact choice to represent holiday happiness. Maybe I am missing something, though. You do also seem to abuse the semicolon! There are such things as periods, you know.

Overall, cute story! I hope this review helps.

- Mizz

Hey there! My last review of the holiday season! Why not make it a seasonly story?

This was very adorable, and I can totally see it as a childrens book. However, there are a few sentences that don't seem right, and don't really fit into a children's story. And while you are supposed to make things sound happy and cheery, you still need to tackle all of the emotions. Also, don't assume that children are stupid. You make things a little bit too happy in this, therefore it will only maintain an audience of, well, two year old girls. You need to have some 'kid manly' parts, and some sad parts, along with the happy story. I'm going to try to help you do that.

A beautiful sensation was in the air on December 24th; and a man, who went by the name of Mr Clause, was sat by a log-fire in his cosy little house; Sleigh-Bell Street, Lapland.

I see what you're trying to do here, trust me, I do! But this just doesn't work. It's like you're trying to rewrite The Night Before Christmas, which just isn't going to happen. Write this with your own words. You can write words like 'beautiful sensation,' but not like this. A sensation not really a feeling, but an occurrence of a feeling. Therefore it could not be floating through the air. You could say that happiness was in the air, but a sensation is not an actual feeling, therefore it's confusing because we don't know what you're talking about.

In Mrs Clause’s mind, there was nothing more delicious and warming at this time of year, and she was probably right.

This sentence is unnecessary, and the end of it doesn't sound right. You shouldn't be adding your opinion into the story, and you shouldn't say that Christmas is probably the best time of the year in a childrens story. It seems like you don't think that Christmas is the best, which isn't what you want to convey to children, especially in a story about Saint Nick.

"Yes! And the one thing that represents Christmas love and spirit more than anything is..."

"MISTLETOE!" All three shouted together.

I'd rethink this. Mistletoe is more of an adult and teenager-like concept of Christmas, certainly not for children. Mistletoe represents kissing and lust, which is not something you want to convey to children. I'd say something else, something that kids think is the most important part about Christmas, like presents, candy or Saint Nick himself.

So this is cute, of course it is. However there are some concepts, like those pointed above, that wouldn't be very appealing to children. Be sure to add come comedy into it. Have the elf trip and fall as he enters the room. At present, the story is very short and not too descriptive. I'd lengthen it with some personal touches, some comedy, some love, maybe a description of what things look like. Yes, even though it probably would have pictures, you still need to describe things.

I enjoyed your writing! Keep it up,

Classy

Instead of rewriting all of the previous comments and taking up more of your time than necessary, just refer back to the other users' comments, because I agree with every one of them.
Great job! I loved the Christmas story!!

I love the way you start the story, Gives me an idea of whats going on and I love to see that in writting.Also what I liked is you are discrbing the person you
are talikng about.I loved this story because it gave me my own ideas. I love that story. And the title really matches the topic of the passage, Divine work!

~pixie2~