criticize away! Journal
Monday, May 13, 2008.
Wow. Another horrifying birthday has gone by. Eli was the only person to give me a real gift or care about my unlucky Friday the thirteenth birthday. Dad slapped me for telling him it was my 15th birthday when he was gutting his fish. I only remember him yelling “Oceana! Leave me alone!” and then he hit me. At least he didn’t cut me with his knife like last time. His brow furrows so much when he is mad. It makes him look like a dinosaur squinting with his shiny hairless head and beady blue-black eyes. Or maybe a giant Chihuahua because of how much he shakes. I had thought the anger management classes he took last month might have helped him and mom. Guess not. Eli gave me this journal for my birthday. She saw it when she was on vacation in Cape Cod with her parents last week. She said it reminded her of me because of the boat in the middle of the ocean on the front. The water was perfectly blue, and if I looked at it right, it looked almost wet/
“Get it? It’s like you’re name. Oceana, ocean!” she giggled. We’ve been friends forever, or at least since 2nd grade. I’m starting to realize she’s too girly for me, though. She squeaks when she talks and always wants to go shopping or talk about boys. We used to jump off the harbor dock and prank my brothers, Mike, Sam, Conrad, and Felix. That changed last year when Mike, the youngest, went off to college and no one was left. Now I'm all alone, without anyone who loves me. Mom? Nope, she ingnores me most of the time, but that's better than dad. Dad? He yells, hits, and torments me. I need to get out of here like my brothers.
Wednesday, May 15, 2008.
Yesterday Mom hit me when I said Sam was a jerk. Mom was talking to Ruth who works for her building furniture in the barn/workshop. The conversation went like this.
“ Oh yes, Sam just called. He’s doing great at Pizza Palace. Just got promoted.” Mom smiled at Ruth with her, "I don’t want to talk to you” smile.
“ He was always a good little boy. Haha, silly me, he’s a grown man now.” Ruth said.It bothered me how they talk about him like he’s a perfect saint when he’s really a devil. Everyone gets pulled in with is wavy blond hair and soft blue eyes that everyone else in the family has accept me and my dad with our light brown hair and gray blue eyes. I think Sam has white transparent greasy hair and ice-cold eyes. I read that blonde hair turns gray faster. I was sitting on a chair waiting for mom to finish when I said it. She pulled me into her office (it used to be two stables, she took down the wall, cleaned it, and put furniture in it) and hit me. Today everyone looked at me funny in school because of the bruise on my cheek. Eli brought me to the bathroom and covered it with her makeup. I hate having that stuff on my face. It feels weird and everyone else in 9th grade always wears it. I can’t wait until I finish the boat project. It’s hard when mom catches me taking wood. If the wood’s too big mom takes it and yells about waste. If it’s small enough I lie and say I’m building a birdhouse. I usually take her scraps so she doesn’t get mad.
Saturday, May 18th, 2008.
I think the boat project will be ready by the middle of June. I’m still thinking of going but it would be hard to go on this adventure. Where would I go? The boat isn’t ready. It still needs a sail and rudder. I’m going to get the supplies during the week before I go. If I go. I keep asking myself, " What if I die? What if I get caught?" I doesn't matter though. I've sailed before, I know I can do it, and I'm smarting then those idiots who hesitate when running away and end up getting caught.
Saturday, May 25, 2008.
Conrad came home last week. He was bothering me about how dumb he thinks I am the whole time so I couldn’t sneak into the woods by the ocean to work on the boat. Half a mile from my house is a place where trees nearly grow into the water, hiding me from the ocean and the house. No one can see me building the boat. It’s more of a dinghy with half a roof. I just need to get out of here. My parents are horrible, my brothers are mean and annoying, and I’m being abused. Maybe I’ll find an undiscovered island!
Friday, May 31st, 2008.
I finished the building the rudder today. Felix finished college yesterday and I had to go down to Massachusetts for his graduation. Dad hit him for not graduating summa cum laude. I thought he did great. Magma cum laude is better than most people, but it's not good enough for dad.. I like Felix best of my brothers. He stands up to dad if he really hurts me. When dad broke my arm Felix brought me to the hospital and got in a fight with Dad. He still stinks though. For Christmas he got me a cheap souvenir map of the New England coastline (It was the best present anyone in my family gave me. The second best was ten-dollar bill from mom and dad.)
Sunday, June 6th, 2008.
I’ve decided. I’m going. Mike came home and yelled at me and hit me because I didn’t say hi to him. Dad came in and hit me once he found out. Dad says I need to learn respectI think Mike’s still afraid of Dad because when he shook hands with dad he winced, as if remembering when dad grabbed his hand and threw him once. He was really young then, ten at the most, and it was all because he failed science in school.
Sunday, June 13th, 2008.
I’m freaking out about this. I’m positive I’m going to go, but I don’t know where I’ll go. I’ve been studying the map Felix got me for Christmas and I’ve decided to stay on an uninhabited little island a little off the coast. The island has a little beach facing south west and trees so I can tell if a boat’s coming and hide in the trees. I know that because Dad brought me out there on a fishing trip with Mike once. School ended Friday. It will be easier to get supplies now. Am I crazy? Should I really do this? It’s suicidal if I go. If I come back dad will kill me and I can’t wander the ocean forever.
Thursday, June 17th, 2008.
I’m going tomorrow morning. I checked the length off an old sail from when my dad had a sailboat and it fits. I took it to the boat when mom and dad where gone so they wouldn’t see me carrying it. On the way back I saw Eli walking down my street and ran to say hi. She says I talk to her like I’m never going to see her again. She got that weird little pout on her face that made her look like a monkey. Her top lip sticks out and her eyebrows scrunch together.
Friday, June 18th, 2008.
Tomorrow. Felix came home today and I couldn’t go. He woke up early and caught me sneaking out. He didn’t ask why, thank god, but I can’t go today. I can go tomorrow because he’s leaving for his friend’s wedding tonight. He gave me a wind up rechargeable flashlight later today and said, “If you can’t find extra batteries, it will help.” Does he know? Can he tell I’m leaving?
Sunday, June 19th, 2008.I left at 5:00 A.M.
I thought I heard Dad waking up and nearly got back in bed. My heart was pounding as I walked out the door. I had a waterproof duffle bag with the wind up flashlight I got from Felix, matches, a pocketknife, extra rope and string, a map of the coast, a small water purifier I took from dad, fishing hooks, five small bags of dried fruit, dried beef, two boxes of peanuts, one box of cereal, one hundred dollars, this journal and pencils, A wild plants book, a compass, a blanket, and some clothes. I was wearing most of the clothes I was bringing. I walked down to my boat and pushed it off. I tested it last night to make sure its safe and it is. It’s as good as dad’s dingy. Right now it’s 8:00 A.M. Mom and Dad will be getting up around now and realizing I’m gone. I’m already a little past Little Bustins. My average speed is one and a half knots. That’s like two miles per hour. I’m trying to get to Madden Island and that’s about twelve miles away. The wind is picking up so I think I can make it.
I got here at 12:00 and walked into the woods a little. I used my book and found a root to eat with an apple and half a carrot. I haven’t seen any big boats, but Dad will have called the police by now.
Monday, June 20th, 2008.
I gathered some more plants and left this morning. I can’t risk being caught and staying another day. The wind is blowing southeast so I’m going fast. I want to get past Cape Elizabeth by sundown. I’m hiding under the roof of the boat because there’s a boat going by. I dropped a line to make it look like the boat is anchored. Should I scream out and be brought back home? Will Mom and Dad beat me for leaving? There’s a small island near Cape Elizabeth but it’s big enough for someone to life on it. I think I’ll sleep on the end of it pointing out into the ocean.
Friday, June 24th, 2008.
Last night I slept on an island off of Portsmouth. I’m done sleeping on islands now. There was a small old anchor on the island and tonight I’m sleeping on the boat. Yesterday I sailed past a boat with its radio on. There was a report of a missing girl with brown hair and gray eyes that went missing on Sunday. She is five foot four and weighs one hundred and ten pounds. It’s me! The radio said I was most likely in Portland or Brunswick. Yeah right like I would ever go to one of those stupid cities. Felix’s map has come in really helpful. So has the wind up flashlight. Did he suspect I was going? I think he knew I despised Mom and Dad and that I might run away. I’m not going to call them Mom and Dad anymore. I’ll call them by their real names because I don’t belong to them anymore. Harriet the hairnet and Lou the toilet. HA!
Sunday, June 26th, 2008.
Oh great! I’m lost! Last night my anchor came up and I floated away. I tried using my compass but I’ve sailed for three hours west and still no land! There are storm clouds coming. Better get my rain gear on. I'm beginning to fear if this was all a mistake. What if I die? I'm to young to die!
Monday, June 27th, 2008.
THAT WAS NOT FUN! Imagine being splashed by a ton of water while trying to tie up a duffle bag. There were waves splashing me from every direction and rain and thunder and lightning. It was a miracle my mast didn’t break. I still haven't seen land, but a bug flew past me yesterday, which means it's near.
Tuesday, June 28th, 2008.
Good news, land! The bad news, there are sharks! My food is running low but I just went fishing and the sharks want them. I threw the fish overboard before the sharks could break my boat. They seem to be going away, but I can't say yet.
Thursday, June 30th, 2008.
I’ve made it to the island. It’s not tropical but it’s pretty warm. There are footprints on the beach but I can’t sail anymore. One of the sharks cut a small hole in the boat last night and I barely made it here. Surprisingly everything made it through the sharks and rain. I’m too tired to be scared of the people. There’s someone walking down the beach. I better put this away and talk to them.
Saturday, July 2nd, 2008.
I met Xavier on Thursday. It was so nice to find out that this island only had people that have been runaways or shipwrecks on it. Xavier brought me to meet everyone else. He and his sister, Sophia were kidnapped and escaped from the kidnappers’ boat. He and Sophia are from Florida and both have dark brown wavy hair and green eyes. Melanie Hameson is also around my age. She’s fifteen but short. She’s nice and likes to tell stories. Xavier says she never repeats them unless someone asks so its’ always new and exciting. Sophia told me the island was named Dee because that’s how it is shaped. I like it here.
Monday, July 4th, 2008.
I hate it here. Oh the mosquitoes! Yesterday I walked into a shallow pond and when I got out I had leeches on me and also fifty mosquito bites. Xavier laughed like a hyena. It was his idea for me to go in there. It was funny how when he started laughing I wasn’t mad at him. He was too happy for me to be mad. I found out today that the people here don’t celebrate the Fourth of July. They celebrate the Ninth of April because that was the day the first person landed on this island in 1962. For dinner we had strawberries and fish. There’s a garden here that grows strawberries, blueberries, tomatoes, potatoes, green beans, and an edible plant they call Torgela. It's like a carrot, just a little darker ad thicker. I tasted some, and it was like buttered carrots, just a little sweeter. Everyone on this island has an occupation to help the island improve. Xavier’s is record keeper. When I woke up, he led me to a tent painted purple and pushed me inside. In there I waited, looking around. There were books, pens, wood, wire and everything else. A minute later a man came in. He was tall and bald. His eyes were a light green a shining.
“ I here we have a new person on this Island, I’m Charles Fredrick, who are you?” Charles asked. He seemed to be in a position of high power or something because when a woman walked in he waved he away and she left. His name was funny, it didn't match him. Such a normal name for a wild man.
“I’m Oceana.” I said.
“ Well Oceana, everyone on this island has a occupation, what’s yours?”
“I guess I like to build things.”
“ Good, a builder it is!” he left and waved at me. I didn't see him the rest of the day, but when I asked Xavier about him he laughed and explained that Charles was the first person to land on the island, and was the president.
Wednesday, July 6th, 2008.
There are dark clouds on the horizon. Xavier tells me once a year there is a big storm that lasts for days. It’s my last chance to leave. A few people are leaving. People that just got here this year and are deciding to go back home. All I can think about is how Lou the toilet will hit me if I come home. He’ll probably do something worse. I was sitting in my cabin, a small hut with a hammock and a small table, when Xavier came in. Melanie came in after him followed by Sophia. They told me that they felt like leaving their first summer but stayed because of the kindness of the island. Sophia nearly started crying when she explained how she and Xavier were hit and tortured on their kidnapper’s boat. Xavier cut in and said they decided to stay here because they didn’t want to deal with the cruelness of the world. Melanie said I was a fun friend and she wasn’t going to say goodbye. When they left, I thought about it and decided to stay. I couldn’t say goodbye to everyone here and go back to beatings from Harriet the hairnet and Lou the toilet. The first raindrop fell on my head five minutes ago and now it’s a real downpour. I can’t leave now.
August 21st, 2021.
Wow. I thought I lost this journal years ago during a flood but it appeared today buried under my bed, along with everything else that gathered during the years. Some of the pages are completely ruined but I can read most of it. A note from Felix fell out of the bindings saying, “ I read the first few entries. Interesting plan you have, but I don’t think it will work. I don’t know you very well so it might. Dad has hurt me too, so I will try to help you. Good luck. Love, Felix.” Xavier walked in just as I was reading it and read it.
“It looks like our kids had at least one good uncle after all.” He said. Over the years I told him about my old family. I consider it old because now I have Xavier as a husband and Sophia as a sister. I also have my kids Ella and Chase. They’re only six and three and already the biggest part of my life. My unborn child, either Darren or Eliza will join my family soon too. I don’t really know what to do with this now. This journal was given to me so long ago by Eli and is part of my old life. I don’t need it. Tonight I will return it to the ocean.
The End
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