z

Young Writers Society


Saving



User avatar
55 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1919
Reviews: 55
Sat Jan 01, 2011 1:44 am
hayley10019 says...



Part One

Chapter One

"Where are you from?"
"Up the road. Mt. Serius." The boy was young, and positively nieve.
The men around the bar laughed. "Oh?" One finally said.
"Mt. Serius!" Another mocked.
The bartender laughed. "Okay, okay enough. We don't want to scare away our new friend. We will have fun with you now won't we."
I sat at my table, alone. I couldn't block it out. Their ideas to harm this poor guy. I could hear their thoughts screaming at me, but they definatly could not hear mine.
I stood up, dropped a few dollars on the table for my drink and headed over to the poor guy.
"Oh Joshua! How I've missed you so much! Good to see you old friend."
He gave me a puzzled look. He knew he'd never seen or met me before. I winked.
"Oh?" He murmured.
"Why don't we catch up, and head to my apartment to look through the old photobook?"
He nodded. I knew he was confused.
::Your safe:: I tried sending him a tellapathical message.
His mind stayed calm and thought is was his own concions.
Once outside I nodded over to my car. He still looked puzzled but his thoughts told me that he knew, more thought, he could take me down if the need be.
In my car I started to drive away, silent. I couldn't talk yet. I had to be silent.
Miles up the road I decided it was safe to talk. Not the best idea, but a good part of me said I should tell this guy my intentions with him.
"Listen kid, this town isn't for tourists."
He laughed. "Kid? And I'm not a tourist. I happen to live really close."
"So they knew you were coming." I mumbled.
"What?" He asked.
"Nothing." I turned right going up the road to Serius. "Don't come back or else they will get to you. Their ideas weren't very jolly."
"Uhm, ma'am-"
"Seria."
"Seria, those guys were perfectly fine. Guy humor."
I laughed at his incolence. As if I didn't know the people in my own town. "Their humor is much different from the ones you are used to. Listen, all I'm saying, is you were lucky I was there. Next time there will no be 'get out of jail free card'."
After this he was quiet. I tried rumaging through his thoughs, but they were tipical guy thoughs. Football, girls, parties, one night stands. A tipical, adolecensed young adult.
I looked through his memories to see what house he lived in and what road it was on. I was in the basic living area of Serius.
"So, nice meeting you, and next time don't come to my town unless you want to die." I was frank, I couldn't help it.
I pulled up in front of a nice, bright yellow house on the end of the road.
"How did you know where I lived?"
I smiled. "Don't come to my town. Other people are like me, but worse. Well, not as intelligent." I laughed at my own joke. "Just don't come to my town again. Toodles."
He got out in awe, shut the door, and walked up to his house.
---
Home. I breathed in air. Nice, but no one to greet me when I got home. Not even a puppy or any animal.
I threw the keys down on the counter and noticed a note.
Who had been in my house? That was all I wanted to know.
I picked up the note.
"Marcus." I said quietly.
"Yes?"
Marcus came from my back office. "Lovely files you have in there."
"How the hell did you get in?" I was worried. We broke up a long time ago, he didn't still have a key. Did he?
He laughed, he read my thoughts. "Darling, the law last week was just put into groove today. No locks."
"Why?" I was lost all week.
"Too many people are hiding them."
I started making coffee, I needed to wake up. I didn't know how I could be so tierd. "Oh. Well, do you think it's really that bad?"
"You know what they are doing to them. Don't say that it's not bad."
I laughed slightly. "I never said it was good. It's just, locks. Privacy. This way exboyfriends can't get in."
::I miss you:: He told me in my head. Old memories of us danced in my head. I closed my eyes and swayed to the tune of our song.
"Stop it." I said in a daze.
He wrapped his arms around me. That imbrace was always hard to break from.
"No." I wimpered.
He kissed me, and I couldn't lie to myself. I wanted it. But it was all wrong.
"No, no, no." I told him.
He kept kissing me. I couldn't pull away. I didn't want to, but I had to.
I punched him. "Let me go Marcus."
He pinned me up against the wall.

Chapter Two

"Seria, Seria, Seria." He sang. "You know when I'm angry I'll drop you like a hat."
I moaned. I hurt. This was the hardest he'd ever hit me.
"Now, tell me where dear 'Joshua' is."
I moaned in disaproval the way he was questioning me.
"I know, it hurts doesn't it." He laughed. "Now tell me where you took him."
"No. You don't need to know!" I yelled as loud as I could.
He threw me up against the wall again. "Tell me where he is or so help me God, I will kill you."
"You know what happens when you kill one of your own!"
He laughed. His menacing laugh. "Done it before and never got in any trouble. I have connections dear Seria."
"Your a beast! The only God you think of is yourself!"
I tried to distract him but his grip only got tighter on me. I could feel my life slipping away as if I was loosing air.
"Tell me, where he is."
His hand. His hand was on my neck, pinning me against a wall. How could he expect me to talk to him now.
::Where the hell is he?::
::I won't tell you. You don't need to know.::
::No one can sence him. Where did you take him::
I moved his hand away from my throat and tried to block my thoughs.
"You can sence him?" I asked out of breath.
"No damnit! Now tell me where you put him."
I laughed and walked away opening my front door. "It's time for you to leave Marcus.
Silent. For a long time. He finally walked out the door with a glare. I had pissed him off so bad, he didn't want to touch me I suppose.
"Seria, next time I see you, and I have a question you better answer. You know I can't kill you. Don't use it to your advantage."
I nodded. "Bye now."
Brave was I? No. I knew that telling him to leave was a force of old law he follwed. Only get into a house invited into, and leave by force of effort.
My coffee was done, and ready in a cup with creamer. I dumped it down the drain.
"Not drinking anything you prepare Marcus." I said outloud.
::Wouldn't want you to.::
Our connection was still so strong, I could talk to him miles and miles away. Sometimes I wish I could have broken it a long time ago. But now, it was almost impossible. We had been through so much already, no barrier could really be broken.
I tried to see if I could tap into 'Joshua's' thoughts. Nothing, just the hum of him gental breath sleeping.
::Go into my town and die:: I told him as he slept.
After thinking of sleep I went to my own room and laid down, as if I could actually sleep the way I was.
I read four and a half books by the time the sun rose.
My phone woke me from my state of 'sleep'.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Seria, your little friend is coming back into town, and I don't think it's a good idea." Sheriff Rowly coughed. It was sad, he was old, and always would be.
"Okay." I sighed. "I'll be down to the border of town in a few minutes. Don't let him pass."
---
"Are you effing kidding me!" He moaned. "I thought I got rid of you when you mysteriously drove me home!"
I groaned. "Look, again, don't come into my town. Please. I beg you."
He laughed. "Why can't I? Hmm? Danger, danger? Well I'm into danger thank you, and if you don't mind I would like to remind you that I am twenty one, fully able to handle what I dish up."
"Did you get my message last night?" It slipped.
He glanced over Sheriff Rowly, then back at me. "Message?"
"Nothing." I looked away.
"I had a dream that you-"
I cut him off. "If you come into town just make sure I'm with you."
He grinned. "You think I know you that well huh? Well I don't. And frankly your pissing me off and creeping me out."
"Fine, fine." I looked over at Rowly. "Let him pass. Any violence goes down call me."
I walked off back to my car. I couldn't be in the sun too long. My fair skin would burn to death. No tanning anymore. As I got in my car again, my phone rang.
It was Marcus.
I ignored the call.
::Meture of you.::
::Fuck off Marcus. You know what? I know what you want and your not getting it.::
He laughed and poked around in my head ::Pay attention to the road::
I drove safely home and once there I took in the air. Still no one to greet me when I got home. No kids, no husband or boyfriend, no family. Just myself and my thoughs. And the occational prodding at my mind by Marcus.
::You know I hate you.:: I growled.
::How could you? I told you I loved you and here I am, nobody.::
::You know why I left you and you know why I'm not turning back to you::
::It's not because I'm violent sometimes is it? Because you know I can be sweet when, it doesn't happen.::
I nodded in approval that it was not because of violence. He hopefully could sence that much of my movement. Usually he was prodding around more than my thoughs. He was tracing out my body, my figure, my being, in his head everytime I talked to him.
Poke. Poke. Poke.
I could feel him in my head.
Bang. Bang. Bash.
His thoughs were over powering mine.
Swoosh.
Memories of his began to flood in.
Bam.
I hit the floor, numb.

Chapter Three

"Oh how I loved you my dear silloete. Oh how you were mine when you gave yourself to me, my dear Marie Antonette. Oh how lovely you would be if you were mine, my lovely valentine."
On the floor. Cold.
::What happend?::
I couldn't talk, it hurt. It burned. I hurt.
::You couldn't handle my memory.::
::Help me::
"Oh now you lay here, alone and scared. Alone and scared with no one to hold you, or feast upon your beauty."
::Marcus! Help me.::
"I sing to you because you are my love, and until you realize it, there will be no savor."
::Marcus!::
I felt someone pick me up, gentally. Caring, and set me on my bed. I felt someone stroke my hair and lay next to me as I was numb. I felt someone cradle me, as I cried because the memories of us, were back.
---
"That isn't right! You know I forgot most our relationship for a reason!"
We could forget any information we wanted to. It was how we worked.
"But I need you to remember what we had, Seria. I miss you." He reached for me, but I pulled away.
"No. I can't. You know why I left you, and I'm not chaning my mind."
He began to laugh. "Seria, my dove, you know that I stopped socailizing with that group."
"More like cult." I murmured.
He reached for my hand, and grabbed it before I could pull away. "My dear how I love your graceful s-"
My phone rang. It was in my pocket.
"Hello?"
"Uhm, Seria?"
"Yes? Who is this?"
"This is Seriff Rowly."
"What's wrong?"
"Your friend got in a little trouble. Are you alone?"
I looked over at Marcus who had walked away. "Not enterly."
"You need Marcus to leave, Doll. His gang just came over here to start things up with your friend."
I looked over again at Marcus. How could I get rid of him? I had to keep my thoughs calm and normal. "Uhm, how is your mother?" I tried to make it seem normal.
"My mother? Oh! He is fine, he seems able to keep them off him for a while. But you need to get down here as fast as you can."
"Okay, thank you."
I hung up the phone and walked over to Marcus.
"I need to think. About us." I left that up in the air for a while as he started at me, looking threw my thoughs.
::Can you go?::
::Sure.::
He gave me a kiss goodbye. I didn't want one, but I couldn't piss him off either. I walked him over to the door and shut the door as soon as he left.
Sit on the couch.
::Do I take him back? Do I leave him as he is?:: I kept thinking these thoughs so he'd put down his guard and leave me alone. Quit prodding through my thoughts was more like it.
Thirty minutes later I rushed and grabbed my keys to save John Doe.
---
"Oh my God!" I rushed over to him and put my fingers over the wound. "Did I not fucking tell you to stay away!"
God was I pissed, but I couldn't have this on me. No way in hell. I couldn't have his blood on my hands, no. It was Marcus' doing. These were his-
"I know! I'm sorry! I didn't think it was this-"
I bit him.
"Ouch!"
::Goodnight.::
"Sheriff!"
Sheriff Rowly came over to me with a cot. "Lay him on this, hun."
I laid his body easily on the cot. "He'll be fine when he wakes up, but I can't leave him just yet."
"About that. I can't stay, trouble down at the station. You'll have to take him home with you."
I groaned. "Agreeable I suppose."
I picked him up with no effort, and set his limp body in the back of my car. Hopefully he would wake up at my house and not in my car, where he thought he was still being attacked.
Home. 5 minutes away. Home.
John Doe's thoughts were calm, and nothing seemed bad. His only wound was a few bruises and a few bites, he was mainly worried about the bite. How badly they would hurt him, why they hurt so badly?
I pulled into the driveway and looked around. No way Mrs. Callie could see this and not tell anyone. Her, seeing me pull a body into my house, with blood. She already thought I was a freak.
Clear.
Again I easily picked up his limp body and rushed through my door. The no locking law was begining to work in my favor.
::Anyone in there?::
::Five more minutes.:: His mind protested.
Laying his body on the couch I realized the wounds around him weren't Marcus'. They looked identical, they had to be someone in his family. But not him? How?
I knew he had a thing for this John Doe, this guy he somehow needed to find, to get to. Maybe even to kill. But that's illigal, didn't matter what you were.
A few minutes went by and I got worried. What if he would wake up? What if he was in a coma? Oh God, Oh God. My mind went wild.
A moan. A hurtful moan came to my ears. "Where the hell am I?" He sat up, noticed the pain rushing to his head and sat back down.
I came into view of where he lay on the couch. "Oh you."
"Do you not remember what I told you? And that I saved your sorry-"
"I told you I could take care of myself."
I glared at him. He couldn't have done this without me.
"But thank you." He sintched.
I nodded in approval. I would take that sorry thanks. At least he thanked me at all, and it showed he knew he was wrong to begin with.
He tried to get up. Forced himself to get up and winced. "I'm okay."
I nodded, he wasn't but I'd let him suffer so he'd feel the pain of being wrong.
"You know you have to stay here for a few days." I said quietly.
He groaned. "Why?"
"Because they will come back for you."
"How do you know?"
I laughed. "One of them is in love with me.
Chapter Four

I laid on the couch reading once again. Waiting to hear John Doe fall asleep, but it didn't come.
::Do you not sleep?:: I caressed to his mind.
::I'm fine. Shut up.:: He thought it was it's on thoughts.
::Don't tell me to shut up! Next time stay out of my- just stay out of town.::
"What?" He questioned out loud.
I set my book down and went into my room like any 'normal' person would do. "Yes?"
"I swear I heard you in-"
I couldn't lie, so I cut him off. "It's okay, just a little pain rushing to your head. Get some rest."
He attempted to get comfortable on the bed. "It's like this bed is new."
"I don't really sleep."
He nodded like it was normal hearing that.
I left the room to let him sleep. He needed rest and a clear head. I expected Marcus to come by anytime and smell him in my house. And that would not be a good, nor fair fight. John Doe wouldn't believe his eyes if he saw us fight. I couldn't let that happen.
---
"Why are you still awake?" He asked me, as I began to read my third book.
"I told you that I don't sleep."
He glanced over at me, then the book I was reading. "Good book."
"I've read it a lot of times."
"You like to read?" He sat on the sofa chair next to the couch. I wouldn't bite, but he thought I would.
I smirked with an attempt to take that in a good way. "I read hundreds of books a year. Every night at least three depending on the size."
"Woah, that is a lot of reading."
He got up and headed back to my room. I guess he had his fill of freaks, or maybe he was really tierd. I tried rummaging through his thoughs. He was blocking them. Did he know? No way he could have, he was human. This was automatic for him possibly. But not likely.
::Good luck.:: I heard in my own head.
::How the hell?::
::I'm not stupid.::
I waited, and thought about what was going on.
::Marcus.::
::Honey, in about twenty minutes I'll be busting down your door to get your friend.::
::The hell you will.::
I ran into my room. John Doe he was gone. Where did he go? I quickly turned around to feel pressure on my neck.
"You move and I swear to God I'll kill you."
"What the hell are you doing!" I whipped around with surprising strength but he still had a grip on me.
He laughed. "What do you think I'm doing?" He mocked. His grip was fast, and strong. "I know what you are and I know what your plans are. The whole nice thing doesn't suite you well at all."
I laughed to mock him now. Two could play at this game. "It's not a game, I honestly figure you would die, but I guess you can handle yourself."
Tighter grip. "Playing games isn't fun for me."
"Me either."
Tighter grip, "Then stop playing your games."
"I'm not!"
He let go, but it seemed his hands were still around my neck. I couldn't focus but I knew that I had to get out of the house before Marcus got here to kill my 'friend'.
"Listen, whoever you are. Marcus, the guy who tried to kill you, is coming back. So, sit and wait for him if you want but I'm leaving."
I left my wall, and went to the door. I didn't have the energy to look through thoughts right now, all I could do was let him do whatever he could. And that was read my face, and my actions, not my thoughts.
Opening the door to leave I felt cold. Death. I felt anger. Hate. I felt sick.
"Marcus." I murmured.
"What?" He questioned.
Before I could speak a hand was over my mouth. God was it getting annoying when I couldn't get in my words.
"Let us not make her explain." Marcus came into John Doe's view. "I'm Marcus and I'm here to kill you. Plain as day."
::What you get stupid.:: I told John Doe.
::How the hell do you do that?::
I laughed, but it wasn't meant to be an actual laugh. ::I thought you knew all.::
He gave me a glare and then focused on Marcus. "I don't know what you want with me but-"
Marcus mocked him with his killing laugh. A laugh that made your ears scream in pain. He showed his teeth. He actually showed, his teeth.

Part Two
Chapter Five

"Eventually he'll find you." I held my arm, it was tempting but I would die instantly.
He shook with fear. No doubt and courage. "He won't find me, and he won't hurt you."
Grant walked over to my arm and looked at it. The blood made him sick, you could see it on his face. He wasn't accepting of being in an alliance with me, but I was all he had as a connection.
He was quiet for a second. "Now that you know my name, and not reading my thoughts, I have a few questions."
I looked up to lazy and in pain to talk.
"Why this town?"
"It's not this town, we're everywhere. We just choose not to be seen. Most of us want to go back to living normal lives, but we can't. So some of us stay in the middle of no where, others try to ignore who they are."
He nodded. "Did you know her?"
I shook my head. "We met once, when it all happend. We were hiding in my basement. She told me about a family our of town she had to get to, but even before I was changed I knew we wouldn't make it."
He hurt, pain that his love was a monster like me. "Did she live? Did she change?"
I couldn't lie. Against the beast I was. "She lived but she changed. When you get changed you change. She was crazy, she was mad for blood. Mad for what wasn't hers anymore." I couldn't stop now that I had started. "She was on our news once. A girl went crazy when she saw families, or even couples. She would usually kill the strongest first and leave the weakest to suffer. It was terrible, she-"
I stopped when I saw his face. Horror. I knew what he'd gone through, and just then I added to it. But he asked and I couldn't stop. It hurt me to see him like this, trying to be strong, trying to be brave but I had to let him know the end.
"She was caught."
He glanced over at me, fire in his eyes. Actual fire. Red, hot. "What do you mean?" His voice was sharp.
"When one of us, kills our own-"
He nodded. He got the message.
Silence for what seemed to be forever, but I knew what forever was like. It was hell and back.
"What about you?" He kept his eyes focused out the window. "Ever loved?"
He said 'loved' like I couldn't. "I can love." I put out what I needed to say. "And I have, and I still do. But right now he is gone, and since I loved him when I was made like this, I love him now. But there is no way to bring him back, what has been done, is done."
Silence. Wait, no. Thoughts being made. "What, happend?"
I sighed. "Like you, I was innocent. I was human, he was beast. A fight had been caused over me. I am rare you know. Something about me makes all like me, desire me. Not me, but my essence. My power, my- me-ness." I thought over my wording and continuded. "The man, the powerful man he was fighting wanted me to become one of his own. One of his creations. But, Graison put his foot down. He wouldn't let me loose my life."
I was quiet.
"Did he die?"
I laughed. "No, Graison killed him."
He looked puzzled. "Why could you be so-"
"He left me. After that, he left me. I heard he died after leaving me. He killed himself, for me."
I began to cry silver droplets.
Grant, John Doe, was in awe. He stared at me as if I were actually innocent again, and was beautiful. But it wasn't me, it was, my tears.
"You can cry?" He moved from the window and came over to me, furiously grabbing at my wound. He put his gental hand under my nose so that he could catch my tears. "I thought you were-"
"Affraid of it? No. It's natural to us."
He was ammused.
___________________________MORE TO COME.. Not finished... not the best either though________________
Writing is where I can get away...
  





User avatar
25 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1614
Reviews: 25
Sat Jan 01, 2011 4:33 pm
purplepen says...



Wow. That was really long! I thought it was very interesting, though. I liked how you kind of kept it mysterious. It was a good way to keep the reader interested. I didn't spot any errors, so good job! Keep it up!

Just a little advice, the longer your post is, the more the reader is going to skim. I would shorten the next one just a bit.

Happy writing! :)
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
~Joshua 24:15

@(^_^)@<--- This is review monkey. He says hi!
  





User avatar
247 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 3414
Reviews: 247
Sun Jan 02, 2011 8:43 pm
Searria H. says...



In agreement with purplepen, I would suggest you post only two or three chapters at a time, depending on the length. With such a long post, readers tend not to critique as thoroughly.
I think you have a really good start here. :) For the most part, it's a little vague and can sometimes be hard to follow, but as long as you develope and explain what's happening as you write more, you should be fine.
Sometimes, when your MC is interacting with both Marcus and the John Doe, you should call them by name more often because it gets slightly confusing as to which "he" is performing the action. :)
I have a few grammatical critiques:

The boy was young, and positively nieve.

You don't need the comma after "young."

The men around the bar laughed. "Oh?" One finally said.

If you have a tag after a quotation that completes the sentence, the first word after the end quote should not be capitalized. If the quotation is not a part of the following sentence, then the word after the end quote should be capitalized. Ex: "Are we having dinner soon?" the boy asked. or "Are we having dinner soon?" The boy was hungry.
Look for this throughout your story. :)

We will have fun with you now won't we."

You need a comma after "you" because "now won't we" is an unnecessary tag. I'm not sure, but I also think you need a question mark at the end because "won't we" makes the sentence a question.


I could hear their thoughts screaming at me, but they definatly could not hear mine.

"definately"

I stood up, dropped a few dollars on the table for my drink and headed over to the poor guy.

Because your character is performing a series of more than two actions, you need a comma before the "and headed..."

"Oh Joshua! How I've missed you so much! Good to see you old friend."

Whenever your adressing someone by name, you need to put a comma before or after it. "Oh, Joshua!" Even though "old friend" isn't his name, you still need a comma before it because that's what your main character is calling him. If the name comes at the beginning, the comma should go after the name.

Why don't we catch up, and head to my apartment to look through the old photobook?

Okay. You're only doing two things here, so in order to put a comma before the "and", you need to see if you have a compound sentence. Make sure that the clauses on either side of the conjunction are complete sentences. "Why don't we catch up" would make sense by itself. "head to my apartment to look through the old photobook?" would not make sence because it doesn't have a subject. Therefore, you don't need a comma.

His mind stayed calm and thought is was his own concions.

I'm not really sure what you're trying to say in this sentence.

He still looked puzzled but his thoughts told me that he knew, more thought, he could take me down if the need be.

This is a compound sentence, so you need a comma before "but." I think you can omit "more thought" to make the sentence flow better.

I laughed at his incolence.

Um, "insolence" means rude and disrespectful. Perhaps you meant "ignorance?"

Next time there will no be 'get out of jail free card'."

I think you meant "be no."

Toodles."

You need an opening quotation mark.

Nice, but no one to greet me when I got home. Not even a puppy or any animal.

This seems a little stilted. I would combine the two sentences: "Nice, but no one to greet me when I got home, not even a puppy."

"Marcus." I said quietly.
"Yes?"
Marcus came from my back office. "Lovely files you have in there."

I love your introduction to this character. :)

He laughed, he read my thoughts.

This is a comma splice. You can't put two independent clauses together with nothing but a comma. You either need a conjunction, a period, or a semicolon. I would suggets making it a participial phrase: "He laughed, reading my thoughts."

"Why?" I was lost all week.

What do yo mean by lost? Where was she?

I started making coffee, I needed to wake up. I didn't know how I could be so tierd.

The first sentence is another comma splice, and it should be "tired." Also, in a later chapter, your character says she doesn't want to drink anything Marcus prepared, but she made it.

"Too many people are hiding them."
I started making coffee, I needed to wake up. I didn't know how I could be so tierd. "Oh. Well, do you think it's really that bad?"
"You know what they are doing to them. Don't say that it's not bad."
I laughed slightly. "I never said it was good. It's just, locks. Privacy. This way exboyfriends can't get in."

I had trouble following this conversation. Who is "them?" What's happening to "them?" What does that have to do with locks? Isn't "this way" how her ex-boyfriend got in?

::I miss you:: He told me in my head.

Since you have the "thought colons" around "I miss you," you don't really need to explain that he told it to her in her head, unless you want to. :)

That imbrace was always hard to break from.

That should be "embrace," and I would omit "from."

"No, no, no." I told him.

I would like you to tell me how she told him. Is she stronger and more forceful than the first "Stop it?" or is she now pleading with him?



I'll leave off with the first chapter for now so you can take it piece by piece. Overall, I think this is very original and interesting. A lot of the grammar issues I pointed out occur more than once, so I'll let you go through and pick them out.
When you've written more, are ready for me to critique some more chapters, or have any questions about anything I've said in this review, feel free to PM me. :) I look forward to reading more of your work!

-Sea-
'Let's eat Grandma!' or, 'Let's eat, Grandma!' Punctuation saves lives.

Reviews? You know you want one. :)

*Ribbit*
  





User avatar
55 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1919
Reviews: 55
Tue Jan 04, 2011 2:52 am
hayley10019 says...



Thank you both... I did figure my post was a little long, and at the time I figured it would be okay... I find that if interested the reader will read on and wait for the next post! Thanks a million!! (:

Soon to write again ont this story.
Writing is where I can get away...
  





User avatar
233 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 9739
Reviews: 233
Wed Jan 05, 2011 5:03 pm
Chirantha says...



Hi there Hayley.

Okay, I read the story, and I have to say, you took a really unusual route. I meant, how you put more focus into dialogue than description, and I believe it was successful method. For me, it was the main reason for not making me bored to read the long story as dialogue actually brings action and live responses to the happenings in the story, much rather than long descriptions of each and every thing. Now, before I begin the review, I have to say, that I got confused in many parts of the story, mostly due to the fact that I didn't know who was talking to whome. As Searria said, please use the names of the characters as this is dialogue based story, it's easy to get confused.
Another thing that confused me was the differences between thoughts and actual sayings. At many points I was going back and forth to see if the person talking was actual nearby or were they communicating through thoughts again. Anyway, please make sure you look into those facts in your next writing.

Mistakes

"Where are you from?"

When beginning a conversation, it prudent to mention whome the speaker and listener is. After first two sentences, you take out the names as long as a new person doesn't enter the conversation.

We will have fun with you now won't we.

I think it's best to say this like,
"We'll have some fun for with you now, won't we?"

Their ideas to harm this poor guy.

This should be "Their ideas were to harm this poor guy"

"Oh?" He murmured.

I don't really like the word 'Oh' here as it would be much better say 'Huh?'

"Their humor is much different from the ones you are used to. Listen, all I'm saying, is you were lucky I was there. Next time there will no be 'get out of jail free card'."

This wasn't a mistake, but I had to quote it as it was so naturally said. The use of words was exceptional.

A tipical, adolecensed young adult.

It's 'Adolescent'

I was in the basic living area of Serius.

I believe you wanted to say 'It' rather than 'I'

He laughed, he read my thoughts.

To me, I think it looks better to say, "He laughed, reading my thoughts"

I didn't know how I could be so tierd.

It's 'tired' but I think it was just a typo.

That imbrace was always hard to break from.

It's supposed to be "embrace"

He pinned me up against the wall.

Did they just do what I think they did?

I moaned. I hurt.

It's 'I was hurt'

No one can sence him.

Is this the story's version of 'sense' or did you misspell it?

"Oh how I loved you my dear silloete.

It's spelled, silhouette

It burned. I hurt.

Again, it's either 'it hurt' or 'I was hurt'

"My mother? Oh! He is fine, he seems able to keep them off him for a while. But you need to get down here as fast as you can."

Nice humor :D

What if he would wake up? What if he was in a coma?

Isn't this supposed to be, "What if he doesn't wake up?"

::What you get stupid.:: I told John Doe.
::How the hell do you do that?::

I really can't understand who replied, or what they said meant, please make it more clear.

From 'Part Two: chapter Five, I won't even attempt to understand what you had written because it's the most confusing part of the whole story. At first, I thought that Seria and John Dee had taken refuge from Marcus, but at this line,

He nodded. "Did you know her?"

I kinda found it hard to cling onto my initial thought. So until you make it more understandable, I won't be able to review the plot or the story past that point.

Plot

The plot is mysterious, and it succeeded in keeping me actively reading the story. It seemed extremely well written and you had used a good amount of dialogue and intricate words to portray your plot. On the whole, the plot was well thought out, althought I can't comment on the whole of it, as I've only read what you've written and there's a lot more of the plot to come.

Description

I love the way you have used descriptions here. Not too much and not too little, and you have added a little bit of everything to balance things out. A well planned descriptions leads to a more better story, and I suggest you add a bit more descriptions particularly to the background setting as well as other intricate details.

Character Desciption

Now althought there not much said in area of appearance, you have shown the personalities of characters exceptionaly well using mostly dialogues, and I'm impressed. Most of the stories lack character description and it's hard to make up for it as the story is said through faceless people, but your characters has life, the life you had breathed into them.
But I have to say, the story lacks description appearance vice. And it does seem to make a hole in the whole description department, so try to make up for it.

The Name

Actually, I can't see much of a creativity in the the name you had used for the story, because it seems like it does not have any ties to the plot of the story. In other words, the name is the main thing that attracts readers to your story, and having a creative one means a lot more readers who are curious to see your work. So try to rework the name.

Overall

I have to say, it was a good story, and I like the mysterious background you had created, as it holds the readers to the plot, without making the whole story boring. So good work on the overall part, try to take advice from the points mentioned above.

Good luck. :D

-CH-
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

Need a review?
  








Love is all we have, the only way that each can help the other.
— Euripides