Young Writers Society

You have no idea how it feels. To have such a magnificent power. But this power is destroying you from the inside out. It makes you feel like someone tricked you into taking a "gift" and it turned out to be a curse. I was told when they wired me to the machine that my mind was strong enough to hold this power. The thing they didn't tell is that it would make me get these voices and thoughts.
I have the power to read minds, move things with my mind, and make you feel and see things that aren't their. But the side effect of this power are so horrible. Sometimes it get so bad, I just want to end it all. But enough of that let me get to the real story.
I was standing in front of a man. He was so messed up. Not physically, mentally. We had been in the Dark Room for the past two hours. I had torturing him more than most humans can take. He wasn't breaking. It would have killed him if it continued.
He started to mumble something. It was probably hard for him to talk.
"What was that? I couldn't hear you." I said calmly.
"I said I'll talk just make the spiders go away. Th, they are all over me." I smiled.
"Good." I released my power. He shivered in fear. If your asking the question "Why is he torturing this man?" well the reason for that is because he was a scientist for a terrorist organization called THE PEOPLE OF THE NEW ORDER, or for short PNO. To put it in a simple way this organization is trying to take over the word and make a new order (thats were their name comes in) that puts their members in power. Oh, and when they do this everyone else will be slaves to the power and do all they are told. I know, BS right.
For that very reason I joined the rebels called CANDLE. This is an underground organization. They intend good for the people, so I belive.
"So show me." I started "What building is PNO's" I pointed at the city map on the wall. The prisoner stared at the map for a long while then said
"the building is on Treestem street. 1479 is the address."
"Thank you sir. You have been a big help." a said writing what he told me down. The man began to yell and scream in pain. I had caught him on fire in his mind. Minuts later he sat dead in silence.
I walked out of the room and gave my boss what info I had got.
" Leo," he said to me "Get ready to for a buisness meating with PNO." TO BE CONTINUED...

i think you have a really good idea going. here are a few grammatical errors you had...

spyritsentry wrote:they didn't tell is that it

Did you intend to put "they didn't tell me is that it..."?

spyritsentry wrote:that aren't their.

there

spyritsentry wrote:Sometimes it get so

gets

spyritsentry wrote:enough of that let me

need a comma between "enough of that" and "let me"

spyritsentry wrote:had torturing him

tortured

You had a couple other typos, so make sure you read your writing before you post. =P

Overall, i liked your ideas, but try to develop a little more into the characters, and try to improve the flow of the sentences. It sounded a little choppy at times.
If you have any questions, or want me to go into more detail, pm me!
-Tori

This is a good story with a good plot, but i see a few problems.

1) The story is good but you need to be more specific. you jumped right into it. Although you made up for that near the end.

2) You have a few grammar issues but I think those are accidental. I would post some but Torigirl15 already has.

It was good overall!

Hello I'm Shadow and I had the pleasure of reading your story!
I'm not one for picking out grammar or spelling fluffs (I'm horrid at it) so I will just be talking about your story as a whole.
I liked the idea very much. I agree with a previous reviewer, I felt that you jumped in a little to quickly into the action without the supporting description that might have slowed the pace down. that was my biggest nitpick about this piece, I felt there needed to be more description. It is a pain in the butt, but it is needed to support all the action. A few of your main character's thoughts on what he was doing to the bad guy were a little confusing. maybe trying to make it clearer what you as the writer want us to see. He also was a little inconsistent, sometimes he was really serious and adult and other times he sounded more like a teenager. I don't know maybe that's how you wanted him to be.... the kid then the machine thing taking over part of him, only you know that! you gave tidbits of cool stuff which left me wanting to know more!
on the whole it is a great idea that just needs a bit more fleshing out!
Keep writing,
~Shadow~

First of all, Welcome to YWS *Hands a butter cookie*

Well, Spyrit, this is really good effort you've put into this story. It has a certain added-touch into it, which I like. I'll go more deeper into this later. First, let's go on the review.

Mistakes

You have no idea how it feels. To have such a magnificent mental power.

This is a complete sentence, so don't break it with a period.

It makes you feel like someone tricked you into taking a "gift" and it turned out to be a curse.

To me, this feels more better when said like,
"It makes you feel like someone had tricked you into taking a 'gift' which turned out to be a curse"

I was told when they wired me to the machine that my mind was strong enough to hold this power.

"I was told, when they wired me to the machine, that my mind was strong enough to wield this power"

The thing they didn't tell is that it would make you get these voices and thoughts.

This should be, "The thing they apparently forgot tell was that it would make you get these voices and thoughts"

But the side effect are so horrible. Sometimes it get so bad, I just want to end it all.

But the side effects 'were' so horrible, that I just wanted to end it all.

But enough of that let me get to the real story.

"But, enough of that. Let me get to real story"

I was standing in front of the man.

We don't know the man yet, so change this to 'a man'

I had torturing him more than most humans can take.

Change this to, "I had been torturing him to an extent most humans cannot take"

It would have kill him if it continued.

"It would have killed him had it continued"

If your asking the question

When we use 'your' it means belonging to 'you' like 'your cat' or 'your computer' But here, the meaning is supposed to be given by 'you are' as in you're Remember that.

well the reason for that is because he was a scientist for a terrorist organization

I think it's better to change 'he' to 'the man' as it reduced confusion between your character and the man.

thats were their name comes in

Should be changed to 'where'

I know BS right.

"I know, BS right?"

They intend good for the people, so I think.

Should be "Or so I think"

"Thank you sir. You have been a big help." a said writing what he told me down.

It should be, "He said, writing the address down.

Get ready to for a buisness meating with PNO.

"Business meeting" and "The PNO"

Punctuation

I usually don't comment under this topic, but your story made me. Remember, punctuation can save lives. Without it, the story falls out of place. Imagine our world without organised religion. It's the same with punctuation. Without it, the words can do whatever they want and whenever they want and give false meanings to reader. A story with good punctuation is always more easier for the reader to read and understand, without dwelling on the actual meaning of a sentence. So pay close attention to punctuation and read a few articles about punctuations in writing.

Description

Now, as the story is short, I can't push much into this category, but the story would have been better if there were more description given. And I'm talking about the background description, character description, description regarding the main character's senses and such. It adds more life to find colourfull characters than dark, faceless characters. And further more, it essentially puts the story in the readers mind. And by descriptions, you are not feeding the readers with words, but with images and animated scenes of your story. So keep this is mind when you continue the story.

Plot

I kinda like the plot woven here. Although the new world order is a dated concept and is used in almost many books, movies and games, let's just see what you make up with it. I can't comment further as the plot is still obscure, but from the looks of the start it seems good. Keep it up.

The name

I honestly can't connect the name of the story to plot, but you must have chosen it for a reason, and if that reason is good, it's good enough for me.

Overall

On the whole, this seemed a good story, although you had a problem with switching tenses from past to present and back. I've corrected some of them, but please go through the story once more and find these you self. Another thing is the punctuation and spelling. Keep vigilant attention on those two facts when writing the story, because too much mistakes in these fields means a sudden death for your story. Other than those facts, the story was good, although short. And I hope your plot is for imaginative and original than it seemed to be in this part.

Good luck.

Awesome idea!
I am not claiming a rip, but this is kind of similar to Call of Duty: Black Ops.
In the campaign, Alex Mason is interrogated in a sub-lethal electric chair.
Is that sort of what the torturing chamber is pictured in this story?

Nice suspense too! I hope you finish this. I want to read it sometime!
Maybe you should add a little more detail and it would be more understandable.
I mean, by 'dead' in silence, do you mean dead dead or just very quiet?

Overall Review: Nice Job

(Sorry if this review sounds like I'm telling you what to write... That's just how I review, I think about how I would write the story and go from there. Of course these are all just suggestions, do with them what you will.)

This story seems a little... confused. It started out good, but then you added bits that seem a little childish, if you know what I mean. Like

spyritsentry wrote:But enough of that let me get to the real story.

and

spyritsentry wrote:If your asking the question "Why is he torturing this man?"

For the first line I pointed out, it makes it sound like his mental power isn't 'the real story', which makes us wonder why you brought it up at all.

A suggestion: start talking about the advantages of the mental power, like the sense of, well, power it gives you. Describe how it feels. Then start talking about what you use your power for, and then switch to the scene in the Dark Room.

The second line I pointed out is also unnecessary. Yes, we're asking ourselves why your torturing this man. But you need to show us the story, not tell it. Info-dumping in the middle of this scene is a little distracting. Save that information for another time, in between scenes maybe. And don't just shove it all onto us at once.

spyritsentry wrote:You have no idea how it feels. To have such a magnificent mental power. But this power is destroying you from the inside out. It makes you feel like someone tricked you into taking a "gift" and it turned out to be a curse.

I'm not sure why you went from first-person to second-person and back again. If you want to keep the second-person going in that part, maybe say something like 'You want to know how it feels?'

spyritsentry wrote:I know, BS right.

Just... get rid of this. It doesn't sound relevant, and suddenly makes your character seem like a stereotypically stupid teenager.

And by the way, if he can read minds, why does he need to torture the guy for two hours? Of course, he could have deliberately not thought about it, or there could be some other reason, but you need to explain that.

spyritsentry wrote:I walked out of the room and gave my boss what info I had got.

This is the first time we've seen your character's boss and the outside of the room. More description, please.

Apart from this, there are grammar and spelling problems that need to be fixed, which other people have already pointed out.

Good luck and keep writing!