Young Writers Society

AlyKat wrote:Hearing the screams of the dying, the living calling to their friends, and every sound in between. This is a fragment sentence. You need to add something to it; a 'I' to the beginning or something to the end to make it complete.The vampire massacre was horrible .The government could not stop the beasts. So I vowed that I would. My name is Chelsea Groves. This last sentence should be on a different line.
When I was six, my mother was killed by these horrible beasts, from that day on I had vowed to never give into mercy on these blood sucking creatures. 'those horrible beats' and 'those blood sucking creatures' sounds awkward. I think you should just change one to 'vampires'With the horrible screams came the sound of ripping flesh. Nice description I am slightly freaked out right now because I can imagine I can hear it.
Sounds that the dying didn’t wish to hear before they were slowly killed by lack of blood. I despised these sounds.
But even though, I still risked everything just to kill these monsters. If you’ve ever killed a vampire, you should know how messy it is. I mean, they may have no functioning body parts but they still can spill the guts. Coming home one day I caught a whiff of a really bad smell. Like blood mixed with bleach.
A stench that not even I could stand. I had a knife up my sleeve and I had some things in my bag. what things, specifically? But if these vampires were the ones I was thinking of these weapons of mine stood no chance.



I decided that, no matter how much I wanted to kill those people…..I mean those leeches, I just couldn’t take them with only a knife and some rope.
I heard an ear piercing screech that practically shattered my brain. I fought the want to go kill whatever was feasting on a poor individual. I wanted to hunt the hunter and save the hunted. How does she know its a vampire? And how is she not scared? I think you need a bit more emotion; just saying someone feels a certain way isn't quite enough . . .
I felt so responsible for whoever was dying. After hearing so much screaming I ran home, slammed my bedroom door and flopped on my bed. You can’t imagine how much strength it took to not grab supplies and go to the dying person or people. 'dying person of people' sounds awkward. How about 'victim'?
When I finally relaxed, I went down stairs to grab a bottle of water. My little sister Annabelle was waiting for me. “We have a serious problem”. She told me. “Daddy decided that we didn’t want him with us. He left”.



As I heard those words come out of my sisters’ mouth I realized that maybe that scream I heard was my fathers. I shuddered at the thought. “I’ll think of something after school”, I told her. She just nodded and went to sit on our couch. As I left I could swear I heard her crying. I felt hurt and betrayed right now. What does the hurt and betrayal feel like? Imagine it, and try to put what she might really be feeling into words.
It never occurred to me that she feels the same way. So I just shook of that feeling. As I walked to school my best friend Amy came up to me. Where was she in the beginning of the chapter? I had the impression she was coming from school, or something. Also, how old is she?
” Okay…..So let’s say a really cute guy asked you to the formal, what would you say to him?” I thought long and hard for a minute. Your contridicting yourself. If you say 'I thought long and hard' the 'minute' sounds awkward.
"Depends, but Amy , whose is going to ask me?” I stared her down.”Well, he asked me not to say but…..Chris!” She said enthusiastically. I practically fell down.”Chris?” I asked stupidly. Her head shook like one of those crazy bobble head dolls.
I looked around us. No one, I thought to myself, where was everyone?” Okay, so what were you planning to wear to the formal? I’m going to wear a really cute dress I got from Hot Topic.” I laughed, Amy was practically obsessed with that place.


“Amy you really are obsessed with that store”. Your repeating. In the last sentence you just told me that she was obsessed with Hot Topic. In this sentence you say exactly the same thing.I told her. She shook her head. “I am not! I just happen to go there every day”. I laughed again. “Crazy!” I said, she laughed to.
Next thing I know my school crush Chris walks over. “Hey Chelsea I need to ask you something.” He told me. Amy looked at me with an evil gleam in her eyes. “ I’ll leave you two alone”.
She started to back away but when she saw my eyes she knew I wanted to strangle her. So yeah she ran faster than when there’s a sale on high heel boots at Macy's.
“ So I had wanted to ask you to the formal….But I’ve decided there should be one less of you hunter freaks.”
And of course with him saying that his eyes go black as night and fangs pop out. Why the 'of course'? Wouldn't Chelsea be confused? Maybe afraid? Would she try to fight? Also, I think you need to clarify the mechanics of YOUR vampires better. There are so many different kinds in fiction writing, and they all have certain characteristics.But next thing i know i feel my neck pierced by the metallic like fangs. I don't really think you need the 'but'

Hearing the screams of the dying, the living calling to their friends, and every sound in between.

The vampire massacre was horrible .The government could not stop the beasts. So I vowed that I would. My name is Chelsea Groves.

When I was six, my mother was killed by these horrible beasts, from that day on I had vowed to never give into mercy on these blood sucking creatures.

I decided that, no matter how much I wanted to kill those people…..I mean those leeches, I just couldn’t take them with only a knife and some rope.

” Depends, but Amy , whose is going to ask me?” I stared her down.”Well, he asked me not to say but…..Chris!” She said enthusiastically. I practically fell down.”Chris?” I asked stupidly. Her head shook like one of those crazy bobble head dolls.

My name is Chelsea Groves.
I hear the screams of the dying, the living calling to their friends, and the sound of ripping flesh, as the vampires massacred the innocents. The massacre was horrible. I vowed to stop the beasts no matter what it took.
When I was six, my mother was killed by them.

But even though, I still risked everything just to kill these monsters. If you’ve ever killed a vampire, you should know how messy it is. I mean, they may have no functioning body parts but they still can spill the guts. Coming home one day, I caught a whiff of a really bad smell, like blood mixed with bleach.
A stench that I could not stand.

I had a knife up my sleeve and I had a few emergency materials in my bag that I would use to ward off the vampires. Some of the weapons could not stand a chance, but I might as well try them.

I heard an ear piercing screech that practically shattered my brain. I fought the want to go kill whatever was feasting on a poor individual. I wanted to hunt the hunter and save the hunted.

I felt so responsible for whoever was dying. After hearing so much screaming I ran home, slammed my bedroom door and flopped on my bed. You can’t imagine how much strength it took to not grab supplies and go to the dying person or people.

When I finally relaxed, I went down stairs to grab a bottle of water. My little sister Annabelle was waiting for me.
“We have a serious problem," She told me, “Daddy left because he thought we didn't want him anymore.”

When those words came out of my sisters’ mouth I realized that maybe that scream I heard was my fathers. I shuddered at the thought.
“I’ll think of something after school,” I told her.
She just nodded and went to sit on our couch. As I left I could swear I heard her crying. I felt hurt and betrayed right now. It never occurred to me that she feels the same way. So I just shook of that feeling. As I walked to school my best friend Amy came up to me. A strange thing it was, to have no one around at the time. Where had they all gone?

”Okay… so let’s say a really cute guy asked you to the formal, what would you say to him?” I thought long and hard for a minute.
”Depends, but Amy , whose is going to ask me?” I stared her down.”Well, he asked me not to say but…..Chris!” She said enthusiastically. I practically fell down.”Chris?” I asked stupidly. Her head shook like one of those crazy bobble head dolls.

”Okay, so what were you planning to wear to the formal? I’m going to wear a really cute dress I got from Hot Topic.”
“Amy you really are obsessed with that store.” I laughed.
She shook her head.
“I am not! I just happen to go there every day.”
I laughed again.
“Crazy!” I said hysterically.
She giggled.
Next thing I know my crush, Chris walks over.
“Hey Chelsea I need to ask you something.”
“I’ll leave you two alone..." said Amy, a glare in her eyes.

She started to back away but when she saw my eyes she knew I wanted to strangle her. So yeah she ran faster than when there’s a sale on high heel boots at Macy's.

“So I had wanted to ask you to the formal… but I’ve decided there should be one less of you hunter freaks.”

And of course with him saying that his eyes go black as night and fangs pop out. But next thing i know i feel my neck pierced by the metallic like fangs.

To be Continued...

When I was six, my mother was killed by these horrible beasts, from that day on I had vowed to never give into mercy on these blood sucking creatures. With the horrible screams came the sound of ripping flesh.

It never occurred to me that she feels the same way. So I just shook off that feeling.

Hearing the screams of the dying, the living calling to their friends, and every sound in between. The vampire massacre was horrible .The government could not stop the beasts. So I vowed that I would. My name is Chelsea Groves.

When I was six, my mother was killed by these horrible beasts, from that day on I had vowed to never give into mercy on these blood sucking creatures. With the horrible screams came the sound of ripping flesh.

Sounds that the dying didn’t wish to hear before they were slowly killed by lack of blood. I despised these sounds.

But even though, I still risked everything just to kill these monsters. If you’ve ever killed a vampire, you should know how messy it is. I mean, they may have no functioning body parts but they still can spill the guts. Coming home one day I caught a whiff of a really bad smell. Like blood mixed with bleach.

A stench that not even I could stand. I had a knife up my sleeve and I had some things in my bag. But if these vampires were the ones I was thinking of these weapons of mine stood no chance.

I decided that, no matter how much I wanted to kill those people…..I mean those leeches, I just couldn’t take them with only a knife and some rope.

I heard an ear piercing screech that practically shattered my brain. I fought the want to go kill whatever was feasting on a poor individual. I wanted to hunt the hunter and save the hunted.

I felt so responsible for whoever was dying. After hearing so much screaming I ran home, slammed my bedroom door and flopped on my bed. You can’t imagine how much strength it took to not grab supplies and go to the dying person or people.

When I finally relaxed, I went down stairs to grab a bottle of water. My little sister Annabelle was waiting for me. “We have a serious problem”. She told me. “Daddy decided that we didn’t want him with us. He left”.

As I heard those words come out of my sisters’ mouth I realized that maybe that scream I heard was my fathers. I shuddered at the thought. “I’ll think of something after school”, I told her. She just nodded and went to sit on our couch. As I left I could swear I heard her crying. I felt hurt and betrayed right now.

It never occurred to me that she feels the same way. So I just shook of that feeling. As I walked to school my best friend Amy came up to me.

” Okay…..So let’s say a really cute guy asked you to the formal, what would you say to him?” I thought long and hard for a minute.

” Depends, but Amy , whose is going to ask me?” I stared her down.”Well, he asked me not to say but…..Chris!” She said enthusiastically. I practically fell down.”Chris?” I asked stupidly. Her head shook like one of those crazy bobble head dolls.

I looked around us. No one, I thought to myself, where was everyone?” Okay, so what were you planning to wear to the formal? I’m going to wear a really cute dress I got from Hot Topic.” I laughed, Amy was practically obsessed with that place.

Remember to make a new paragraph when you start a new subject. You could also build on the topic that 'nobody was around'. Was it too quite? Was it eerie? Those are the kind of questions which you need to answer if you want to keep the reader gripped.

“Amy you really are obsessed with that store”. I told her. She shook her head. “I am not! I just happen to go there every day”. I laughed again. “Crazy!” I said, she laughed to.

Remember, paragraphs.

Next thing I know my school crush Chris walks over. “Hey Chelsea I need to ask you something.” He told me. Amy looked at me with an evil gleam in her eyes. “ I’ll leave you two alone”.

I was a bit confused at this point as you hadn't split the paragraph when Amy spoke so I thought it was Chris speaking. You have to pay attention to grammar and rules if you want people to read your story.

She started to back away but when she saw my eyes she knew I wanted to strangle her. So yeah she ran faster than when there’s a sale on high heel boots at Macy's.

Use punctuation to split your sentences between 'yeah' and 'so'.

“ So I had wanted to ask you to the formal….But I’ve decided there should be one less of you hunter freaks.”

And of course with him saying that his eyes go black as night and fangs pop out. But next thing i know i feel my neck pierced by the metallic like fangs.