Young Writers Society

In the kingdom of Andron there was a evil and twisted king ruling over the land. His name was King Minyios, and how he came to power was quite simple actually. He felt that the current king, king Feldor, was weak and needed to be put away. Minyios was a major general in the military, he ran the dragon division. Any dragon that flew through the airs he knew about it. He led the rebellion with his dragon Inthron and the entire military. They followed the order of their general over the order of the king.

To make sure the kingdom didn't see the same fate as it did under Feldor's rule he killed off all other major military personel. Everything in the entire kingdom ran threw him first. Minyios ruled with an iron fist over everyone in the kingdom. In actuality Minyios did rule a more efficient and productive kingdom than any king had ever had before. In this very kingdom is where our story begins.

In a small cottage outside the kingdom lived a man, Adam, and his wife,Susan. Adam stood in the fields and took a glance up and saw Minyios taking his rounds on his dragon. He landed in Adam's field as he does for every crop field in the farming district.

Minyios jumped off the dragon with a certain swagger about himself. He held his chest out as his armor shined in the morning sunlight.

"Farmer how is your crop?" asked Minyios.

Adam replied in a false weak and helpless voice, "Just fine sir."

As their conversation went on they heard a scream. Adam knew it was Susan, he ran as fast as he could. The king on the other hand walked as if he had all the time in the world. As they reached the cottage they heard Susan yell, "Adam!" Adam ran as fast as he could. The new king walked like he had all the tme in the world. Once Adam reached the house he was shocked to see Susan lying on the ground in pain. She was having a contraction.

"Your wife is pregnant?", the king asked.
"Yes", Adam replied, "She's due any day know."
"Well while you tend to your wife I'll be leaving." , said Minyios

Once back at the castle, after examining the village crop, Minyios got news of a prophecy that stated that he was to be dethrone by a new born child 16 years from now. Minyios thought hard about who could this child be and how to stop him. Sooner or later he got it,the farmers son.

To be continued..........

This story is very good. I liked it very much. The problem was though, I though it went a bit too fast. You could have described the mentioned characters a little more, like, for example: 'The farmer looked at him. He had a light muster, and his chocolate hair was soaked in sweat from tending the crops. His crackled voice gave a good while till the new king could hear him. "F-Fine, your Majesty." ' Other than that, this chapter was perfect.

Good Luck to you,--
The Youngling (Ying)

Awesome story! I do believe you rushed it though. The plot is very interesting, and will definitely attract some readers.
The main problem that I see is that there are a few spelling errors.
I will point them out below, rewriting some of the sentences. If you would like, you could repaste this as your story.

In the kingdom of Andron there was a evil and twisted king ruling over the land. The King's name was Minyios. He felt that the current king, King Feldor, was weak and needed to be put away. Minyios was a Major General in the military, he ran the dragon division. Any dragon that flew through the airs he knew about it. He led the rebellion with his dragon Inthron and the entire military. They followed the order of their general over the order of the king.

To make sure the kingdom didn't see the same fate as it did under Feldor's rule he killed off all other major military personel. Everything in the entire kingdom ran threw him first. Minyios ruled with an iron fist over everyone in the kingdom. Minyios did rule a more efficient and productive kingdom than any king had ever had before. In this very kingdom is where our story begins.

In a small cottage outside the kingdom lived a man, Adam, and his wife, Susan. Adam stood in the fields and took a glance up to see Minyios taking his rounds on his dragon. He landed in Adam's field as he does for every crop field in the farming district. Minyios dismounted from the dragon with a certain swagger about himself. He held his chest out as his armor shined in the morning sunlight.
"Farmer, how is your crop?" asked Minyios.
Adam replied in a weak and helpless voice, "Just fine sir."

As their conversation went on they heard a scream. Adam knew it was Susan, he ran as fast as he could. The king on the other hand walked as if he had all the time in the world. As they reached the cottage they heard Susan yell, "Adam!" Adam ran as fast as he could. The new king walked like he had all the time in the world. Once Adam reached the house he was shocked to see Susan lying on the ground in pain. She was having a contraction.
"Your wife is pregnant?", the king asked.
"Yes", Adam replied, "She's due any day know."
"Well while you tend to your wife I'll be leaving." , said Minyios

Once back at the castle, after examining the village crop, Minyios got news of a prophecy that stated that he was to be dethroned by a young village boy 16 years from now. Minyios thought hard about who could this boy could be and how he could stop him. Sooner or later he realized it was the farmers son.

I hope you take this into account as constructive criticism! Great job.

Also, I would recommend that you add more to it. This is more of a prologue than a first chapter.
Just change the name to Modern to Medieval - Prologue.
That looks better and is spelled correctly.

Ahoy there!

Like Aeropostale said, you have a few spelling errors in this piece. You've also got some punctuation issues going on. You might think these both are small, and thus not important but that's not true. Grammar and spelling are critical to your reception with your readers, because they are the "surface" of your writing, if you will. Readers have to read your grammar in order to get to the real meat of your writing. So before I get to anything major I'm going to nit-pick these things.

Minyios was a major general in the military, he ran the dragon division.

This sentence is really two sentences (as I've shown with the two colors). What you've tried to do is join two sentences with a comma--but that isn't grammatically correct. You could join them with an em-dash: "Minyios was a major general in the military--he ran the dragon division." Or maybe a semi-colon: "Minyios was a major general in the military; he ran the dragon division." Or you could not join them at all: "Minyios was a major general in the military. He ran the dragon division." Or you could completely reword it, if you want. But whatever you do just make sure it's grammatically correct, because if it's not it gives a bad impression. ^_^

Any dragon that flew through the airs he knew about it.

The syntax here is a little messed up. I don't study grammar, so I can't tell you exactly what's wrong with it, but I know it's not right. I think the problem might be that you sort of have two parts of the sentence:
1)And dragon that flew through the airs...
2)...he knew about it.
Grammatically, if you wanted it to be 1) then 2) (as it is now) you would also have to make it work as 2) then 1). So, in order to write it the way you have it now, you'd have to be able to say: "He knew about it any dragon that flew through the airs." I think you'll agree with me that that doesn't sound like a proper sentence, right? It's because of the "it." If you took "it" out and made your sentence just "He knew about any dragon that flew through the airs." then you could also switch it around and write "Any dragon that flew through the airs, he knew about." (I think you need that comma, but it might be up to you--I'm not sure.) That underlined sentence is now grammatically correct (to the best of my knowledge). I don't know about you, but it still sounds awkward to me, even though it's correct. Personally, "He knew about an dragon that flew through the airs." sounds better to me.

They followed the order of their general over the order of the king.

assume that by "they" you mean "the people," but it's not actually clear. Maybe write, "The people of Andron followed the order of their general over the order of the king." just to clarify?

In a small cottage outside the kingdom lived a man, Adam, and his wife,Susan.

This is really nit-picky (I'm in one of those moods--sorry!) but there should be a space after the comma and before "Susan."

"Farmer how is your crop?" asked Minyios.

Adam replied in a false weak and helpless voice, "Just fine sir."

There should be one comma after "Farmer" and another one after "fine."

The king on the other hand walked as if he had all the time in the world. As they reached the cottage they heard Susan yell, "Adam!" Adam ran as fast as he could. The new king walked like he had all the tme in the world.

The two underlined sentences are virtually identical. Either delete or modify one of them. Maybe make the second one "The new king still walked like he had all the time in the world." Also, you've misspelled "time" in the second underlined sentence. ^_~

"Your wife is pregnant?", the king asked.
"Yes", Adam replied, "She's due any day know."
"Well while you tend to your wife I'll be leaving." , said Minyios

Your punctuation is a little sloppy here. This should look like:
"Your wife is pregnant?" the king asked.
"Yes," Adam replied. "She's due any day know."
"Well while you tend to your wife I'll be leaving," said Minyios.

Once back at the castle, after examining the village crop, Minyios got news of a prophecy that stated that he was to be dethrone by a new born child 16 years from now.

This makes it sound like the prophecy is saying there will be a baby born in sixteen years who, as a newborn, will dethrone Minyios. I don't think that's what you're trying to say. ;)

Sooner or later he got it,the farmers son.

Firstly, that should be "farmer's" not "farmers." Secondly, this is the same problem as my first nit-pick: you need to join two sentences with something other than a comma. Once again, an em-dash (--) or a semi-colon (;) would work, or you could just make it a period and not join them at all.
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Overall, this is an intriguing idea. You seem to have a clear idea in your head, of both the world and the plot, which is a very good thing.

My main issue with this piece is that it feels really rushed. Both of your other reviewers have already pointed this out, so I'm not going to dwell on it too long but it really feels like a skeleton. It feels like your notes, or something. It feels like you've just written down the important bits. But you need to flesh it out! Writing isn't just about plot--it's also about how you execute (meaning do, not kill) the plot. It's about developing characters and describing settings. Without that, we might as well just read Spark Notes or a summary. So please, feel free to ramble on a bit. You have a pretty clear idea of the world in your head, I think, so give your readers a better sense of it as well! The real issue is showing, rather than telling. Throughout this whole piece, you're telling the reader things. You're telling us, for example, that the king is evil and twisted. But it would be much more powerful (for me, anyway) if you would show us this. Give examples, maybe, or anecdotes--something to prove that what you are saying is true.

The other thing I'm going to address is that you want to watch out for clichés. I'm sorry to say this, but a prophecy about a teenage kid overthrowing an evil king is not terribly original. It's been done before. A lot. Now, I'm not saying your idea is completely hopeless and that you should trash it and start over--on the contrary, if you can write a cliché idea and make it original, that would be amazing! So try working on writing in things that will distinguish this piece from any other piece. It's more of that I was saying about the plot not being as important as the other aspects of writing. You can have a cliché plot, but if your characters and the subplots (and things like that) are original, then it will still be an entertaining piece to read.

I'm really sorry if this review sounds mean or overly harsh! I'm not trying to be mean (honest, I'm not!). I just want to help you improve as much as possible. :) Please don't hesitate to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or comments about anything I've said in my review!

I hope this helps.
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