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Come, sit,' he said, a hint of order in his voice. I think 'he ordered' would be better than 'he said'. This isn't to say that said is a bad word (it's actually good, as it's invisible and readers skim over it), but ordered just fits better, you know? Also, beware of opening with dialogue. Some people dislike it.
Obediently, I turned without looking at his face to sit down on the ground I had to read this a few times to get it. oo Revise?, resting my hands on the grass and spreading my legs before me and supporting my back against the brown bench he sat on. Very awkward description. I'm not sure what you're going for with this. Reword?
"You look worse,' he said.
I turned my head halfway towards him, my eyebrows slightly raised.
"Worse?" I asked raising my right hand in wonder. "Do you see me gulping down vodka shots and holding a knife in the other hand?" This last bit is somewhat stiff. Try to smooth out the flow.
Of course, I looked worse, because I felt worse. Being suicidal was the first resort that I hoped would shelter me after Mother died. Hmm. Something about this sentence throws me off. oo
"Not worse," I said, defying my thoughts and supporting my lie that I think was apparent in my voice. This is first person. oo You don't need to explain the actions. This is also a bit tell-y? Try going for something that shows as opposed to tells. More on this later.
"You don't know how to lie,' he said, as if it was a taken for granted truth like 'the sun rises from the east'. Very awkward and clunky. Revise.
It wasn't true, though. I could surely lie and I happened to be very good at it- quite creative- exceptthatmy talent never served me well around him. Especially now that he saw how angry I become when I hear someone uttering my mother's name- defensive to a murderous point. I think you need to work on your flow. Very badly.
"You need money?"
Both of us asked that in the very same instant and that made my head snap in his direction in a warning look. I would be the first person and the most aware of his financial state, so his question wasabsolutelymisplaced. Revise. Clunky.
"What makes you think that I do?" he asked,when I remained silent, keeping only my piercing eyes to be the only expression of my thoughts I'm not too fond of this phrase, because it implies that either 1. she thinks her eyes express her emotions vividly, or 2. she's having an out of body experience and can see herself. ._., while the serene way he asked itslowlytugged at my nerves.
"Being the person who took every penny you own makes me think so," I muttered (uttered rapidly sounds stiff), my teeth grinding.
He breathed in soundly and silence ruled us again for a few seconds, until he said, "I gave you that money- (I read in the next sentence how she cut him off, so I think it shouldn't be a period here, because if it's a period it implies he's finished speaking. oo)"
"For stupid reasons," I bit off, completing his sentence.
"Julian," he called in a warning tone, voicing the namethatonly he and my mother used. I'm not sure about the use of the word voicing. Hmm. "We will not discuss this now."
Clutching my hands in fists, I remained silent in agreement. It wasn't time to go through our diary now.
"Your pain confuses you." Stiff. Sounds like Yoda is talking. oo Revise? He stood up, adjusting his suit then said, "We'll meet again.'
"When?" I urged, both relieved and annoyed when he paced Usually, pacing means walking to and fro, so if he paces, he can't really pace away. oo" He'll just be walking around the same vicinity.away.
"Let me worry about that," he called over his shoulder and, after a few moments, disappeared behind the thick trees.
He was right. I was confused, too perplexed to even put my own thoughts in order. But it wasn't only because of my pain; (I think it would work better with a semicolon as opposed to a comma then for.) I had more than one reason to feel uncomfortable during this sudden encounter which I truly tried to avoid since my return to Egypt. Very stiff and wordy. Don't use five words when one will do. oo" Pain was an emotion that I was used to these days and one that is not only but mainly related to my mother, yet shame was the feeling that embraced my being when I would see him and only then. I don't really understand this sentence. And your character reminds me of Mojo Jojo or V from V for Vendetta. oo' Incredibly wordy and flowery speech. Sometimes it's difficult to follow her.
Of course, it was a natural result of what I had caused him, after knowing him for very long years.
My father, oo That her father she was talking to? I got the impression he was a friend as opposed to her father. If it wasn't her father, then where is this coming from? I don't see the train of thought/logical progression. Try to segue into it a little smoother? before he became the despicable business man that I hated, worked in a paper manufacturing agency here in Egypt. Fromamongthe many times my father took me to his Director General office, Ioncemet Selim. Ah. You might want to start the paragraph with this. "I met Selim when my father..." It'd make more sense. X] He was as rigid as he was now, but not quite the same because the place of the encounter was the bathroom, where people wouldn't usually tend to act like they stood in a war zone. I'd reword this sentence. It's clunky and awkward as is.
Being a very friendly person back then, I introduced myself andcame to know that he was a close friend to my father and even closer to my mother. He was the matchmaker who worked successful tricks to make them meet on my mother's first trip to Egypt. Weird. ._. oo I can't explain it, but worked successful tricks just doesn't flow for me. Revise? And Selim is older than her, then? If he is, then they talk as if they're of the same age, and on top of that, I don't think you ever made it clear above. oo At this point in time, I'm more than halfway convinced Selim is a teenager, so it's a little difficult for me to accept that Selim is quite old. x.x
Bit by bit, I noticed his loyalty to both my parents and became aware of the bizarre nature which wouldn't be easily found in any other human being. You mean his bizarre obsession with her parents? We grew closer as time passed and it wouldn't be an exaggeration to saythatI received all the attention he could possibly give someone, especially after my parents divorced.
That very fact resulted in one of the catastrophes, yet not the deadliest of what I'd caused him throughout the years of our friendship. Don't be a tease like this. oo There are other ways to tease the audience without being so blunt. More on this later.
It was the natural reaction of his family to be bothered by his intense concern with someone who wasn't at the very least related to him, not a son or even a barely known cousinRedundant.. Shamefully, feelings of resentment from his daughters and demands of divorce from his wife were some of the pieces that dropped from his life that was already falling apart.
"Do you miss it?" he asks.
"No."
It's not true. I kind of miss cheeerleading sometimes. The squad. Just for something to do, to distract myself with.
She squares her shoulders and walks up the aisle as sexily she can, which is not very sexy at all.
She skips down the road.
She creeps down the road.
She tears down the road.
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