Young Writers Society

Hi. I am 14 and I am writing a novel called "The Haunted Town".
Read this extract:
"They are the goons", replied the old man rather unwillingly. He looked straight in the map, trying to figure out something. Suddenly they heard a low growl, no it wasn't Rover(their dog), they turned in surprise to see a dreadful scene. A Goon!!! He was standing at the entrance of the Dark tunnel. His body was a kind too dark with some patches of green revealing out from the stomach. He wore some torn clothes painted with blood, had a blood-stained knife in his left hand and.. and all above there were no eyes, instead there was an empty pit filled with moist blood. He again bellowed and ran towards the kids. The old man quickly took out a potion, a lush green kind and threw some on the figure. The knife dropped from his hands, he gazed hungrily straight towards James. In a few seconds, he fell down to his knees and with his mouth wide open, it twisted back like a maniac. And then..then blood flowed out of his mouth. "Yuck!! that's gross." Ema cried and hid her eyes behind her trembling hands. The goon then dropped to the ground as a rotten leaf. James and a other man went near it to check out if it had any "life" left. As James neared a little, the blood in the goon's eyes sparkled and in a fraction of second it held James tightly, with his nails piercing in his body. "help" James cried frantically.
The man quickly took a brown shaft, a holy one and ran towards the goon. But it was too late, the goon had already pierced hi teeth through his shoulder. The man quickly hit the goon with the shaft on his back. This time the goon rolled down, never to get up again. "Whew" James cried, trying to be brave and not show that how badly it was paining.
How was that?
Will it lead to a good teen horror novel?
Would you be terrified if you were reading it all alone at night?
Critique or improvement?
Thanx and reply soon please.

Horrorwriter wrote:"They are the goons", replied the old man rather unwillingly. Comma needs to be before the speech mark. - "goons,"

He looked straight in the map, trying to figure out something. "In the map" didn't seem right to me, "stared at the map" maybe?

Suddenly they heard a low growl, no it wasn't Rover(their dog), they turned in surprise to see a dreadful scene. A Goon!!!
Instead of the brackets I would rearrange the sentence, e.g. "no, it wasn't their dog, Rover,"

He was standing at the entrance of the Dark tunnel. Dark doesn't need capitalised, unless the name of the tunnel is the Dark Tunnel, in which case Tunnel needs capitalised.

His body was a kind too dark with some patches of green revealing out from the stomach. The first part of the sentence doesn't seem to flow right, "his body was too dark a hue"? And the word revealing in the second part seems out of place. "Patches of green visible around the stomach"? Just suggestions, your choice.

He wore some torn clothes painted with blood, had a blood-stained knife in his left hand and.. and all above there were no eyes, instead there was an empty pit filled with moist blood.He again bellowed and ran towards the kids. The old man quickly took out a potion, a lush green kind and threw some on the figure.

The knife dropped from his hands, he gazed hungrily straight towards James. Either put something like the word "and" after the comma, or the word "As" before "The knife dropped" to improve the grammar.

In a few seconds, he fell down to his knees and with his mouth wide open, it twisted back like a maniac. And then..then blood flowed out of his mouth. "Yuck!! that's gross." Ema cried and hid her eyes behind her trembling hands. "That's" needs a capital in the speech.

The goon then dropped to the ground as a rotten leaf. I would consider using the word "like" instead of "as"

James and a (an)other man went near it to check out if it had any "life" left. As James neared a little, you don't need the "a little" the blood in the goon's eyes sparkled and in a fraction of second it held James tightly, with his nails piercing in his body. "help" James cried frantically. Help needs capitalised, and punctuation is needed after the word. E.g. "Help!"

The man quickly took a brown shaft, a holy one and ran towards the goon. The word shaft can relate to any number of items, staffs, brooms, arrows, etc. Perhaps the word "staff"? You also need to specify where he took it from. You only say he "took" it, which means he could have taken it from anywhere nearby.

But it was too late, the goon had already pierced hi his teeth through his shoulder. The man quickly hit the goon with the shaft on his back. Consider rearranging this sentence, it sounds as through the man is hitting the goon with a shaft which is on the goons back or a shaft that is on the man's back. "Hit the goon on the back with the shaft." Might flow better.

This time the goon rolled down, never to get up again. "Whew" James cried, trying to be brave and not show that how badly it was paining. Punctuation needed after the speech "Whew," or "Whew!" or something along those lines. I would take out the word "that", and maybe consider changing the word paining as, to the best of my knowledge, it is acceptable but not exactly good English.

Sorry if I was harsh but I think with a few minor changes this could become a really good story so I just want to point out the mistakes I saw to help you improve. I think you should keep writing this as it seems a promising concept.

My only other criticism is not one that needs changed per se, it just niggled away at me while I read this story. Because the word goon is so frequently used in movies and literature to imply someone who acts as nothing more than a henchman, often portrayed with very little intelligence while in this guise, it makes the "Goon" you reference in your story to seem less inherently dangerous. Your description of this "Goon" obviously shows you want it to horrific and with enough description the name won't seem important but in the early stages before you fully decribed the creature, the name seemed almost comical. Sorry if that seems harsh I'm just letting you know what a reader will automatically think.