Young Writers Society

Breathe steadily, that's all I knew about shooting.

That's not true, I know that you should lean forward when shooting a handgun, I know that you should treat every gun as if it's loaded, to be aware of your target and it's background, to not point at a person or object without the intention of destroying it.

But with this?

The sniper rifled rested on the foldable table, it was the biggest gun I'd ever seen. The metal stock was spring loaded and the Scope was perfectly tuned for this specific shot. the Magazine had 15 mastercrafted bullets stacked on top of eachother, the spring pushing them upwards. The Bipod holding the rifle up was standard issue but magnificent none the less.

Breathe Steady

I glanced out the apartment window one more time, then at the clock. 3:58, It was time. I had to move fast, Lifting up the Rifle from the table, I mounted it upon the window sill. The window itself had been broken out hours ago, but some jagged shards remained. As I was setting the gun up, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face covered in a camoflauged pattern. It was more traditional than practical, since It was an urban environment without a tree in sight.

Shaking my thoughts away, I set myself up behind the rifle. My hands were shaking as I placed them on the Grip and the stock, I'd never shot something like this before. But my group was dwindling fast and they had to send me out for this specific job. The damned Radicals were picking us off in large numbers but we wouldn't stop, we would never stop.

My target was in sight now, a businessman in a fine gray suit and a leather briefcase, exactly as they'd said he would be. My eyes flicked towards the second man, a bodyguard? Whatever, He won't stop me.

My shakey hands weren't helping me keep the gun steady as I looked through the scope, aiming directly at the Businessman's chest. My finger tightened on the trigger, but I hesitated.

Why did this man deserve to die? Why this one? He looked average, he didn't look like a soldier. He might be one of those damned politicians that made all this happen in the first place, but did he deserve to die? I knew nothing about him. I was only told to come to this spot and do what needed to be done.

My finger was easing off the trigger and I was pulling my eye away from the scope when I caught the eye of the bodyguard. His eyes widened, and he shoved the Businessman over as he simultaneously reached for his gun, he pulled it out of it's holster and fired to quick shots in my general direction.

Thunk, Thunk.

I fell away from the window, a red splash appearing on the wall to the left of the opening as my shoulder caught the bullets. I was in shock, I couldn't feel anything, but I knew I'd been shot. I scrambled to my feet, putting myself back in clear view of the Body Guard and Businessman, but this time both of them were aiming identical handguns at my window.

I didn't even hear anything, I just felt the impact of 5 instantaneous bullets hitting me square in the chest.

With the force of being hit center mass, I was flung backwards. My back hitting the wall that wasn't too far from the window. I slid down to a sitting position, leaning against the wall.

Was this how it was supposed to end? Was this fair? I had decided to not shoot him, yet I had paid the price as if I had.
Couldn't they see that I wasn't going to hurt them? Couldn't they see that I had given up? Didn't they see that I had Stopped?

What seemed like hours passed. The Man and his guard probably long gone. I could tell I was dying, the blood flowing from the 7 new holes in me was enough to tell me that my time was short.

We'll never stop. Never, We won't ever stop.

"Heh, heh. Yeah, Right." I said to myself, Which prompted a weak cough that expelled a runny red liquid from my mouth all over my torn, tan slacks that had once been part of someones suit.


My shakey hands reached down those torn pants, down to my thigh were a holster where a scavenged Glock 17 was nested. Fumbling with the button, I finally managed to get the gun free.

Raising the gun with a timid hand to my temple, I took one last look out the window, past the discarded barrel of the Rifle and into the sun. With a bloody and cracked smile, I thought one last thought as my hesitant finger squeezed the trigger.

Breathe Steadily.

This was a short story written in about half an hour. Tear it to shreds.

This is really good. I really do like it. Keep writing.

This was really really good. and I liked the plot. Maybe a few more details about the character's past and how he became a hitman for hire? I still really liked it. Other than a few capitilized words (Rifle, Magazine, Scope, etc) I don't think there is much to edit. You should continue with this, and maybe the other one- By Day's End. I'd mention more about it but I think I can do that later and without fellow YWS members having to hear my thoughts on it. You really should continue it, but it's up to you because the ending was the best... 'bang'...

you know, minus the fact he killed himself. I figured he would've gunned down the other gaurds and the business man first.

Things were going well, up until the point where the bodyguard spotted the sniper.

Think about it, he goes through all that trouble to get a sniper rifle, then he sets up close enough for the bodyguard to shoot him with a pistol? At that range, the assassin would be better off with a machine gun or a hunting rifle.

Other things bug me. Why did he break the glass? Why not simply open a window?

It doesn't seem in character. As a result, the story doesn't happen because of the character's action, but rather from your insistance that it happen. It's kind of like seeing a ventriloquist moving his lips. I think you should try rewriting this with more focus on the assassin. Who is he, why is he there? If it's business, then have him treat it as a business. If it's personal, have him treat it personally.

Alright, this does have a few typos. As a general rule, it’s discouraged to use digits in writing unless they’re really long numbers and will take forever to write out (though I think the time is OK, you should write the 15 out). And “shaky” isn’t spelled with an “e.” We already know your hand is shaky, so you don’t need to tell us twice. When the bodyguard shoots you, he should be firing “two” bullets, instead of “to.” Also, I find sound effects to be a little disorienting and despite being told beforehand what was going to happen, I wondered what was “thunk”ing.There’s probably more, but I think your story works pretty well after that. Your description of the rifle and components makes it all sound very professional, which kinda fit with the character, who is untrained, and is more likely to have crammed all this useless information into his head right before the mission so he can feel better prepared despite having no clue what he's doing. Good work.

Good job! Very out of the ordinary! I must say it ended with a bang, (Okay, me and my stupid jokes....)

Anyway, well done and keep up the good work!

You're my 100th post! 8D

"I know that you should lean forward when shooting a handgun, I know that you should treat every gun as if it's loaded, to be aware of your target and it's background, to not point at a person or object without the intention of destroying it." You have this thing here where it's 'know, know, to, to.' To make them all agree and sound more smooth, you should make them all shoulds or all 'to'

"The sniper rifled rested on the foldable table, it was the biggest gun I'd ever seen" I'm seeing a couple lines like this, where two separate sentences are separated by a comma instead of a period. Be sure to keep an eye on that.

Nice job catching my attention with the reference to being in an urban place, as well as the allusion to Radicals. I think you did a good job distributing information slowly, not just dumping it all on top of us at once. ^^

" fired to quick shots" Two.

Like someone else mentioned I think, I got the impression that the sniper was farther away. Isn't the whole point of a sniper that they'll do the job (or in this case, decide not to do the job) without being seen?

I want to know why the businessman was important... Was he just one of the lawyers that the MC mentioned, or was there something special about him?

What's the setting like? Urban, yeah, but... I'm picturing a post-apocolyptic city. Empty streets, where the businessman and his body guard are the only people walking along. In which case, the question is where are they going? Are there supposed to be other people around? I'm guessing not, or they would've come to shoot the would-be assassin, but then where are they? Hiding in their homes, in another part of town... Or is this city abandoned completely? And if that's true, then - again - why is the businessman there?

I also would've liked a little more background information about the assassin, and how he came to be in this position, even though I think you did a really good job of showing more than telling.

Really good job here. Keep writing.