Young Writers Society

Rip this puppy to its core! Then chop it up and put it on the compost heap, because if you don't it will come back to haunt you.



The day was very overcast and subdued. I wished it would rain already so I wouldn’t be kept in tormented suspense. I felt some phantom precipitation and twitched.
“Did you just feel a drop?” I asked nervously.
“I don’t know. It’s definitely going to rain, though.” Sandy said, pulling up a few blades of grass.
I nodded. I knew I was just making idle conversation and putting off the inevitable. We’d already established that her name was Sandy and my name was Arthur. I thought of telling her my name was something incredibly presumptuous, like Julio or Pheonix, but I decided that would be pointless and sooner or later I’d tell her my real name and she’d be angry I’d lied to her.
“So.” I said, not quite sure what to say after that.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
She pulled her knees up to her chin and gazed at the meadow. I watched her for a minute and thought, she was actually really pretty. I hoped she didn’t think I was really ugly. I felt bad for her.
“If you don’t want to – ”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“I know, I’m just saying if you…”I let my voice trail off as she got up and walked away. As soon as she was gone I was lonely.
The storm came shortly after. The wind made the grass to waltz, as though with some unseen partner. I lay and let it pass over me until it began to rain.
I stood then and faced the wind. It was cold and unbelievably wet. I couldn’t keep my eyes open, so I closed them and listened to the sounds of thunder, rain, and wind.
Everyone was gone. My friends, my family, my teachers and really everyone I knew. I should feel something for them, but it hadn’t sunk in yet. I felt cold, and not just from the condensation about my person.
“Where was the purpose?” I asked, “What is the meaning of it all?”
I addressed the gale with my questions and the only answers I received were fiercer wind and rain. I shouted into the onslaught until my voice gave out and I collapsed, weeping for the dead.
After awhile, I felt Sandy come up and put her arms around me. We cried into each other’s shoulders for a time and, as the storm abated, we slept in much the same position.
I awoke to find that I was alone. I looked around for Sandy, but considered that I should perhaps let her be as she might not want to be found.
Around noon I got hungry and found something to eat. It wasn’t hard, since there was a big raspberry bush in a nearby forest. I ate until I felt mildly ill, then I took off my wet clothes and strutted around naked. I was almost glad that Sandy wasn’t around, since I did several embarrassing dance moves and I’m sure she would’ve been horrified.
My clothes took awhile to dry, and I decided to just leave them while I trekked through the forest. I found a waterfall and a pool, which I cautiously waded into and swam for awhile.
I got lost trying to find my clothes and it was dark by the time I found them. I ate some more raspberries and wondered if I could actually subsist off them. I fell asleep wondering what I was going to do the next day.
I woke up to find Sandy sleeping next to me. I thought for a minute that the day before had just been a dream, but we were next to the raspberry bush, so I waited for her to wake up so I could ask her where she’d gone.
When she woke up, however, she asked the first question, which was, “What’s for breakfast?”
I spluttered for a couple minutes, trying to voice all my frustration at her absence and how annoying it was that she wanted breakfast now that she was back. Instead, when I’d decided exactly what to say, it came out, “I found some mushrooms in the forest. We can start a fire and cook them if you don’t want raspberries.”
She smiled and nodded and I set out to retrieve said mushrooms while she started the fire. When I got back, I took over the firestarting. Four hours later, we got the wood going and toasted our mushrooms. They tasted delicious.
We didn’t talk until after breakfast. Sandy wolfed down the last mushroom and said, “I’m sorry I ran off like that yesterday.”
“It’s OK.” I said quickly, even though it wasn’t true.
“We should start planning for winter soon; we’ll do better if we stick together.”
“If you ever need to be alone, though, it’s OK; just tell me.”
She nodded, then smiled, “Anyway, I really can’t pass up another chance to see you dance naked.”
“You…you were there? Watching me? You little…” I let the sentence trail off as she laughed.
We spent the next day getting to know each other more. There were lots of things we disagreed about, but we tried to resolve our differences as best as possible.
That night, we slept side-by-side for warmth. As I was drifting off I said, “Sandy?”
“Yes, Arthurl?”
“Will you be my wife?”
“I’ll have to think about it.”
“OK.”
I lay there, looking up at the stars. I hoped she would say yes. I knew she could say no, but considering we were the last two people alive I desperately hoped she said yes.
It took a long time to get to sleep.

... Ripping things up... kind of my style ;D.

By the way, hey there! I'm Walker and I'm here to review this piece for you. That being said, I have two sections I follow; Nit-Picks and Overall's. If you'd like me to do my super duper Oh-Em-Gee review, I'll have to edit this one later.

Other than that, lets get on with the show!

Nit-Picks:

First off, let me add, the best thing you can do for this 'puppy' would be to space it out. Its a pretty big chunk-like thing right now. With proper spacing, it'll look a lot more lovely.

I felt a phantom droplet and twitched.
“Did you just feel a drop?” I asked nervously.

Try not to repeat words so close together. It creates unwanted redundancy.

“I don’t know, it’s definitely going to rain, though.”

Comma splice. Change that to a period please!

I thought of telling her my name was something incredibly presumptuous, like Julio or Pheonix, but I decided that would be pointless and sooner or later she’d just start calling me Arthur anyway.

If she doesn't know his name, why call him Arthur? Next, you need to reword this. Try;

I thought of telling her a name that was something incredibly presumtuous, like Julio or Pheonix - completely different from the regularity of my own boring name - but etc.

I watched her for a minute and thought, She’s actually really pretty.

She shouldn't be capitalized. That and, because this is in first person, the entire narrative is almost a thought process, so you don't have to specify what they think. Just write it.

As soon as she was gone I felt lonely.
Everyone I knew was dead. I remember when our first cat died and I cried for a week. Now all my friends and family were gone and I felt nothing.

You say that he feels nothing, but prior to that, you said he felt lonely. Try not contradicting yourself too much.

The wind picked up and the grass swayed back and forth. Some of the grass lay flat, some just swirled and some stood there and barely moved at all. I felt like standing in the wind, so I arose and let it flow over me in a gale. The rain started. Big, fat drops fell diagonally, hitting my face. I stretched out my arms and closed my eyes, feeling the power in the storm as it rushed at me.
The anguish at having lost everything took hold of me then and I started shouting. I have no idea what I said; I’ve forgotten now. I yelled until my voice gave out, but still failed to silence the storm. I collapsed on the wet grass, weeping.
The rain abated after awhile, though there were still small droplets falling. I got up and began walking in the direction that Sandy had gone. I found her kneeling on the ground, sobbing. I sat next to her and put my arm around her shoulders. She flinched, then leaned towards me and cried into my shoulder.

This, my friend, is a big info-dump. Its pretty much 'this happened, this happened, this happened'. Theres not a lot of 'I couldn't believe how anything could be this... Why was it I who had to... yada yada'. Its just plain telling and not showing. Try showing us these things a little better instead of just telling us what we are supposed to see. Its the writers job to weave beautiful images. Not just throw them at the reader and expect them to make sense of it.

When I got back I took over the firestarting.

Comma after 'back'.

“If you ever need to be alone, though, it’s OK, just tell me.”

Comma splice. The third comma should be either a semicolon or a period.

Overall:

I understand what you were trying to get across with this piece, and in some aspects, you did exceedingly well.

To put yourself in the mindset of a child is tough when it comes to writing. Its not easy to get out emotions and such things without it sounding too profound which leads one to think that its too 'grown up'. At the same time, though, one needs consitency and flesh. There are moments in this piece where colours and textures could be explained in a manner that wouldn't make the child sound too old.

I love the concept and I love the childish aspect, but I think you should definitely work on fleshing this out. Its simple and it lacks a lot of what would necessarily make a short story complete.

Other than that, keep writing and I'll keep reading!

~Walker

Thank you for your criticisms, Walker. I'll take them into account. I can't do very much with the length, as it's in a contest and is supposed to be less than 1000 words. However, after the contest I'll try to develop it more.
This next bit is a tad embarrassing, since I didn't really mean for them to be children, exactly. Maybe I'm too childish in my ways to make them actually be adults, though, so interpret as you wish.