Young Writers Society

Hello YWS, another short story.

I watched as another man fell beneath my blood lust. His mangled body falling to the ground to join the rest of the carnage around me. Blood slowly trickled from the end of my sword, a mixture of theirs and mine....

Another man charged at me and I flicked my wrist to the side. I laughed as my sword impaled his neck, spraying more blood among the countless bodies littered around. The feeling of killing was exhilarating beyond belief. I jerked back my sword, slick with fresh blood...

I stepped back and let the body fall to the ground. My lust was untamaeble, and i enjoyed every kill, every stab, every single drop of blood....

Three more men charged at me in a futile attempt to claim the kill. The first man lunged forward, I easily side-stepped it and cut through his arm. The man screamed in agony before i decapitated him. The second tried cleaving my torso in half, I grabbed the blade right before it went through my body. The man looked astonished as I broke the pitiful blade in half and threw it into his eye socket. The man instantly dropped dead.

I felt something rip through my chest and looked down.. There were two twin blades slick with blood coming through my chest... I turned around and saw the crazy eyed man who had stopped my Blood-lust...

With the last ounce of life, i lifted my sword and drove it into his heart. I twisted and pulled feeling relief as agony reached the mans face, making it look beautiful as he saw the last moments of his life.

I dropped to my knees as everything started to go black. I couldn't believe my Lust was ended.....

hey
It's Toly here to review... and the first one too!! hehe

Jalmoc wrote:
I watched as another man fell beneath"beneath." alone does't sound all that right, you could say, "beneath the unquenchable thirst..." or "to the might of..." my blood lust. His mangled body fallingnote that early you used fell, and now you are using falling, bit of an error in context to the ground, to "joining" the rest of the carnage around"which surrounded" me. Blood slowly trickled from the end of my sword, a mixture of theirs and minemy own....

Another man charged at me, and I flicked my wrist to the side. I laughed as my sword impaled his "him in the", or, "through his" neck, spraying more blood among the countless bodies littered aroundI suggest, "which littered the ground." . The feeling of killing was exhilarating"an exhilaration", or, "an ecstasy" beyond belief. I jerked back my swordfree, slick with fresh blood...

I stepped back and let the body fall to the ground. My lust was untameable, and i
I", I'm nitpicking I know enjoyed every kill, every stab, every single drop of blood....

Three more men charged at me in a futile attempt to claim the kill. The first man lunged forward, I easily side-stepped it, what exactly, his sword or him?? and cut through his arm. The man screamed in agony before i decapitated him. The second tried cleaving my torso in half, I grabbed the blade right before it went through my body. I The man looked astonished as I broke the pitiful blade in half and threw it into his eye socket. The man instantly dropped dead.

I suddenly felt something rip through my chest and looked down.. There were two twin blades slick with blood coming through my chest... I turned around and saw the crazy-eyed man who had stopped my Blood-lust...

"With the'my' last ounce of life," or "with the last ounce of life left in my cold body," i"I" lifted my sword and drove it into his heart. I twisted and pulled"free," feeling relief as agony reached the mans face, making it look beautiful as he saw the last moments of his life.

I dropped to my knees, as everything started to go black. I couldn't believe my Lust wasI think 'had' sounds better than 'was' ended.....

Quite a good story, I enjoyed it, but for some minor errors. I suggest looking back at the story reviewing it and writing more. the staring was awesome. You put the reader right in the middle of action, yet you did not lose them. Watch out for your tenses, don't begin writing in the past, and then change into the present.
if you need any advice just PM me.
ToLy

Hi, I'm going to do a quick review of your story.

It kind of reminded me of a song off of Alesana's concept album called The Murderer. I think you could have explained the man's insanity more instead of just repeating the words "blood lust" throughout the story. The events that transpired for this man to drift into insanity could told to add a little more depth to the story. This story would be more than senseless violence to me if you expounded on his psychosis.

Another man charged at me and I flicked my wrist to the side. I laughed as my sword impaled his neck

This confused me. At first I thought that this was a fallacy, and maybe you meant that the character slashed his attacker's throat. Then, I got confused again, and thought maybe the flick of the wrist was just him adjusting his sword to where the man ran into it. At any rate, the sentence confused me. Do you mean that he cut the man's throat or that he ran through the sword and was impaled?

the man looked astonished as I broke the pitiful blade in half and threw it into his eye socket.

Two things that caught my eye about that sentence. You should describe show us that the man is astonished, not tell us. Describe the facial expression that allowed the narrator to know he was astonished. And, is the main character super human?

The story is definitely solid, but you can always divulge into ideas that are created by it. The blood lust really wasn't significant to me. It just seemed like a drunken, bar fight. Maybe you could more vividly describe the main character's thoughts. Keep writing, and good luck.

WHOA!!! I thought you were talking about me for a sec, I saw myself so plainly it was scary. I know how you feel when you get to that place of no return and you have to tame the beast. This was good. I thoroughly enjoyed this. Keep up the great work. Keep Writing!!

Wow, I really liked it. There was good description. Just a shame the way it ended so abruptly! Love to read more

Violent, dark and interesting.... I would love to know the story behind why he/she is a mad man/woman killing people. Very good battle description, I could see it happening in my head (kinda scary)!

I've got a few things to say, but you may not like them.

1. I can't say I like the 'super human' nature of the character, snapping a sword in half? casually 'flicking' a sword into another man's throat?
a. Adrenaline can do a lot of things, what it CAN NOT do is make metal easier to break. The metal does not become brittle, you are simply lent the strength to break it, that said, swords are extremely hard to break with your bare hands! The other fighter would probably let go of it sooner than it would break...

2. I love the ellipses, I really do, but you are using it WAAAAAAAY too much, at the end of almost every paragraph, AND in the middle of some of them? Tone it down a bit, buster.

3. If the MC was stabbed from behind, how did he/she turn around to stab the stabber? I don't have much experience with being impaled, but I can imagine that 180 degree turns are out of the question.

Overall, it needs work, it's good but not great, a little polish and it could shine!

The other reviewers seemed to have caught quite a few of the mistakes I would have. So I'll simply comment on the context of the writing itself.

First off, I liked the idea behind the piece, but I feel that much of the writing itself was written too plain and flat out. It was, good, but not great. My interest was held for the simple fact that this was quite easy to understand and interpret. The fact that it was so short was more of a reason I would expect to have seen a little more done with this. You could have gone deeper in description. You could have set more of a mood for the audience, other than the fact that this was about a man out on a pleasurable killing rampage.

The ending was okay, but a little anticipated. Not very original. I would have enjoyed to read something a little more spiced up and intense. Be creative with your words. Never only go for the obvious. You're writing will read better this way. I can promise that. And if you're going for a certain mood, put yourself in that mood. Allow the words to flow into the story. Make it truly about something. Give it some soul, some rhythm.

Other than this, I have to say you did an alright job here.