Young Writers Society

Channel 29 was on a dare. She never went on dares, but this time it was different. This was personal. This was payback. This was pretty darn stupid.
She was on a dirt road headed up to the paper mill. The mill was set back from the highway, primarily because the last owner had wanted his privacy and moved the entire structure back a hundred yards. Legend had it, the previous owner still stalked the halls off the paper mill, rattling chains and moaning for vengeance.
No one was clear on the story, since it was relatively new, and it was also unclear whether the guy had actually died or not. What was sparkling clear was the cool, overgrown brick building with weird machinery inside; it practically begged to be embellished upon.
Channel 29, however, didn't see it as an opportunity for embellishment; she saw it as an opportunity for revenge.
It was a chilly night in August. There was a fair bit of wind and the forecast called for thunderstorms. Channel 29 could almost taste the coming tempest, a bridled beast of worrisome proportions. She felt the hesitant whispers of breezes, little scouts for a massive army.
As she neared the paper mill, she began to have doubts. What if something went wrong? What if she couldn't follow through? She tried not to think of possibilities.
Keeping her mind on the task at hand, she noticed an ill-concealed shadowy figure lurking in the ditch beside the road. As she got closer, she pretended not to notice it until it leapt at her, screaming. The effect was ruined somewhat when the figure tripped on the side of the road and landed face-first in gravel.
"You need to work on that." Channel 29 said blandly.
Highway 73 rose from the road and sighed exasperatedly, trying to cover the embarrassment of his botched spookiness. "It's too hard to scare you Chan. You're pretty quick on the uptake."
"Is this some sort of reverse psychology?"
"Exactly what I mean; you're too observant and not scared enough. It's a dare; you're supposed to be scared of it."
"Fine. Eek. What am I supposed to do again?"
"We're going to go in and look for the dead man's skeleton. Then we bring back his head."
"Skull. It's a skeleton, so most of its soft tissue has--"
"Anyway, we bring it back and you get bragging rights."
"You're sure this is legal?"
"Sure, so long as we don't tell anyone."
"Great." Channel 29 shivered and pulled her jacket tighter. This, naturally, was misinterpreted as fear. Highway 73 asked if Channel 29 needed to hold his hand, Channel 29 made some clueless-sounding reply and there was an awkward moment in which Highway 73 found himself wondering what he'd meant by what he'd said.
By the time everything had been sorted out and an answer formed, Channel 29 was on the steps, waiting. "Coming?" She asked.
"Uh, yeah. Wait up a minute."
Highway 73 ran up the stairs and, with the absence of a door to open, gestured to the doorway with a flourish, saying, "Enter the paper mill of doom!"
Channel 29 brushed past him and surveyed her surroundings. There wasn't a lot to see, considering it was pitch black, but gradually her eyes adjusted and she could make out faint shapes.
"You know, this would be a lot spookier if it was a slaughterhouse." Said Highway 73, flicking on a flashlight and shining it directly into Channel 29's eyes.
"You would be much spookier as a slaughterhouse. Give me that." Channel 29 grabbed the flashlight and directed its beam to more productive ends such as lighting the way.
There was a lot of interesting stuff in the paper mill, but since they were there to find a skeleton, Channel 29 didn't get much of a chance to examine the equipment other than a cursory glance inside before looking elsewhere. Highway 73 kept bugging her and jumping from the shadows at odd intervals. He seemed more annoying than usual, like he wanted to drive her insane.
They searched for awhile, not finding any skeletons. After awhile, the flashlight battery went out and Channel 29 was left in the dark with Highway 73.
"You know, you have to be careful around here. They say Old Man Farnsby is out for revenge. He lost his leg in one of the machines and his ghost wanders around on crutches, trying to find a suitable replacement." Highway 73 said, obviously relishing the chance to make up a story. "I think he'd really like your legs."
"Yes, you said that five minutes ago. Did you bring any more batteries?" Not that Channel 29 needed the flashlight, as her eyes had adjusted enough that she could see vague shapes. She'd been trying to find the place she'd been before when she'd first found out about the paper mill. She'd been back several times, but it was still disorienting in the dark.
"I don't actually have more batteries, but I have a windup flashlight."
"Well wind it up!"
"You scared?"
"OK, yes, I'm scared. This place is starting to creep me out."
"You should be scared, Chan. I'm sure this place has many hidden dangers." A flashlight clicked on and Highway 73 shone it on his face. "Boo."
Channel 29 tried to ignore him. She spotted the trapdoor she'd been looking for. "Hey," she said, pointing, "what's that?"
"Oh, wow. Do you think that's where the skeleton is?"
"Go find out, I'll follow you."
Highway 73 opened the trapdoor and sneered at her. "Ladies first."
"I'm scared."
"I'll protect you, don't you worry."
Channel 29 started down the steps hesitantly. She knew full well what was down here and it wasn't a skeleton. She'd spent a long time getting ready for this night; she'd planned and schemed and brought all that she needed for her revenge.
The trapdoor slammed shut behind her and cold fear gripped her heart in it's talons, ripping the muscle out of her chest and carrying it back to its nest to feed its young. Something had gone awry.
"You didn't really think that I would fall for that, did you?" Highway 73 said from behind the trapdoor.
"What do you mean?"
"I had plenty of time to snoop around down here, Chan. I found the explosives you've got down there, and the chair and everything. I know what you were planning from the beginning."
"Then you must know why."
"Oh, I know why alright. It's because-"
At that moment there was a metallic clang and a thud. The trapdoor was lifted up and a poky, weaselly boy peered down the steps at Channel 29.
"Hey, need some help?" Weaver had an odd way of making everything sound so commonplace, like he was asking the time of day.
"Thanks for coming." Channel 29 said, running up the stairs.
"Meh, all plans have contingencies."
"Yep. Are you gonna help me move him?"
"Yeah, you get his feet."
They picked up Highway 73 with some difficulty and shuffled down the stairs. They dragged him down the hall until they found a room.
In its heyday, Braxton Paper Mill had been home to an illegal whiskey-fermenting operation and a small cellar had been built just for the still. Now, however, the still did not contain whiskey; it held fireworks.
Highway 73 was strapped to a chair with duct tape. Channel 29 carefully taped various rockets and flash bombs to him and, when she'd run out of tape, piled the rest of the explosives under the chair. Weaver procured an oil lantern, lit it and waited for Highway 73 to wake up.
Eventually, he did. Channel 29 waited until he took full stock of the situation. Fear was evident in his eyes.
Channel 29 took the oil lantern and held it near a fuse. Highway 73 jerked wildly. "I'm going to light this one fuse and you will die. I'm not going to stay, but I thought I should tell you something before you die."
Highway 73 stopped jerking for a moment and stared at her. She lit a flash bomb under the chair and set the lantern next to it.
"This is for my sister."

Helloooo! Synne here to review this

Overall I think this is pretty good - I completely didn't expect the ending!

My advice to make this better would be to try and increase the tension - you make it seem as if Channel and Highway have a pretty good relationship with each other, but maybe you should make it more tense and stand-offish between them? Or maybe you could mention the idea of vengeance a bit more, and give a better sense of determination and anger to Channel.

Another thing is that I think Highway maybe shouldn't be so chipper - if he's aware that Channel intends to kill him then shouldn't he be more wary/tentative around her? It seems odd that he goes from being very childish and playful to very serious so suddenly. Maybe if he was still making jokes the whole time around, but with some kind of suspicion/maliciousness in his eyes to give the reader a hint that he isn't as entirely innocent and naive as he appears, then the ending would be more cohesive.

Overall my advice is just to put a few more subtle hints as to the ending throughout. You do this a little bit with the mentioning of her going there before, but I think the characters' behaviours should also reveal some of what they know and what they are hiding.
Other than that, this is really well written and I like the dynamics between the characters a lot! Good luck in the contest, and if you have any questions about this review then feel free to PM me.

Channel 29 was on a dare. She never went on dares, but this time was different. This was personal. This was payback. This was pretty darn stupid. (I think you should use only three of the 'this was...' statements to give it a better rhythm.
She was on a dirt road headed up to the paper mill. The mill was set back from the highway, primarily because the last owner had wanted his privacy and moved the entire structure back a hundred yards. Legend had it, the previous owner still stalked the halls off the paper mill, rattling chains and moaning for vengeance.
No one was clear on the story, since it was relatively new, and it was also unclear whether the guy had actually died or not. What was sparkling clear was the cool, overgrown brick building with weird machinery inside; it practically begged to be embellished (Is this the right word to use? It doesn't seem to make much sense here.) upon.
Channel 29, however, didn't see it as embellishment (?); she saw it as an opportunity.
It was a chilly night in August. There was a fair bit of wind and the forecast called for thunderstorms. Channel 29 could almost taste the coming tempest, a bridled beast of worrisome proportions. She felt the hesitant whispers of breezes, little scouts for a massive army.
As she neared the paper mill, she began to have doubts. What if something went wrong? What if the dare ended in tragedy? I think that given the ending this is an odd sentence to use. Isn't she expecting tragedy? She tried not to think of possibilities.
A shadowy figure slithered into view and leapt at her. It would've been scary if it had been more sudden, but as it was, Channel 29 had five seconds of reaction time before the figure noticed her. This few lines need to be rearranged or something; here you make it sound very sudden then end up backtracking to say that it wasn't actually sudden, and it sounds quite jilted. Try making her notice the shape, ignore it, then have it jump on her.
"You need to work on that." Channel 29 said blandly.
Highway 73 sighed exasperatedly, trying to cover the embarrassment of his botched spookiness. "It's too hard to scare you Chan. You're too pretty quick on the uptake."
"Is this somehow kind of reverse psychology?"
"Exactly what I mean. I don't understand this sentence. Maybe ' I meant exactly what I said.'? You need to be less chill and more scared. It's a dare; you're supposed to be scared of it."
"Fine. Eek. What am I supposed to do again?"
"We're going to go in and look for the dead man's skeleton. Then we bring back his head."
"Skull. It's a skeleton, so most of its soft tissue has--"
"Anyway, we bring it back and you get bragging rights."
"You're sure this is legal?"
"Sure, so long as we don't tell anyone."
"Great." Channel 29 shivered and pulled her jacket tighter. This, naturally, was misinterpreted as fear. Highway 73 asked if Channel 29 needed to hold his hand, Channel 29 made some clueless-sounding reply and there was an awkward moment in which Highway 73 found himself wondering what he'd meant by what he'd said.
By the time everything had been sorted out and an answer formed, Channel 29 was on the steps, waiting. "Coming?" She asked.
"Uh, yeah. Wait up a minute."
Highway 73 ran up the stairs and, with the absence of a door to open, gestured to the doorway with a flourish, saying, "Enter the paper mill of doom!"
Channel 29 brushed past him and surveyed her surroundings. There wasn't a lot to see, considering it was pitch black, but gradually her eyes adjusted and she could make out faint shapes.
"You know, this would be a lot spookier if it was a slaughterhouse." Said Highway 73, flicking on a flashlight and shining it directly into Channel 29's eyes.
"You would be much spookier as a slaughterhouse. Give me that." Channel 29 grabbed the flashlight and directed its beam to more productive ends such as lighting the way.
There was a lot of interesting stuff in the paper mill, but since they were there to find a skeleton, Channel 29 didn't get much of a chance to examine the equipment other than a cursory glance inside before looking elsewhere. Highway 73 kept bugging her and jumping from the shadows at odd intervals.
(Channel 29 got her nickname from Weaver Harrison, who nicknamed all his friends with numbers and inanimate objects. Channel 29 reminded him of some actress he'd seen in a movie on TV while the TV was set to channel 29.
Highway 73 had been named such because Weaver had said he reminded him of a highway. No one was really sure what that meant, but it seemed to make sense if you considered that Highway 73 was a crappy road.)
^ I think that this bit is kind of irrelevant.
They searched for awhile, not finding any skeletons. After awhile, the flashlight battery went out and Channel 29 was left in the dark with Highway 73.
"You know, they say that Old Man Farnsby only had one leg and that his ghost limps along with crutches." Highway 73 said, obviously relishing the chance to make up another story.
"Yes, you said that five minutes ago. Did you bring any more batteries?" Not that Channel 29 needed the flashlight, as her eyes had adjusted enough that she could see vague shapes. She'd been trying to find the place she'd been before when she'd first found out about the paper mill. She'd been back several times, but it was still disorientating in the dark.
"I don't actually have more batteries, but I have a windup flashlight."
"Well wind it up then!"
"You scared?"
"OK, yes, I'm scared. This place is starting to creep me out."
A flashlight clicked on and Highway 73 shone it on his face. "Boo."
Channel 29 tried to ignore him. She spotted the trapdoor she'd been looking for. "Hey," she said, pointing, "what's that?"
"Oh, wow. Do you think that's where the skeleton is?"
"Go find out, I'll follow you."
Highway 73 opened the trapdoor. "Ladies first."
"I'm scared."
"I'll protect you."
Channel 29 started down the steps hesitantly. She knew full well what was down here and it wasn't a skeleton. She'd spent a long time getting ready for this night; she'd planned and schemed and brought all that she needed for her revenge.
The trapdoor slammed shut behind her and cold fear gripped her heart in it's talons, ripping the muscle out of her chest and carrying it back to its nest to feed its young. Something had gone awry.
"You didn't really think that I would fall for that, did you?" Highway 73 said from behind the trapdoor.
"What do you mean?"
"I had plenty of time to snoop around down here, Chan. I found the explosives you've got down there, and the chair and everything. I know what you were planning from the beginning."
"Then you must know why."
"Oh, I know why alright. It's because-"
At that moment there was a metallic clang and a thud. The trapdoor was lifted up and a poky, weaselly boy peered down the steps at Channel 29.
"Hey, need some help?" Weaver had an odd way of making everything sound so commonplace, like he was asking the time of day.
"Thanks for coming." Channel 29 said, running up the stairs.
"Meh, all plans have contingencies."
"Yep. Are you gonna help me move him?"
"Yeah, you get his feet."
They picked up Highway 73 with some difficulty and shuffled down the stairs. They dragged him down the hall a ways (?) (for a while?) until they found a room.
In its heyday, Braxton Paper Mill had been home to an illegal whiskey-fermenting operation and a small cellar had been built just for the still. Now, however, the still did not contain whiskey; it held fireworks.
Highway 73 was strapped to a chair with duct tape. Channel 29 carefully taped various rockets and flash bombs to him and, when she'd run out of tape, piled the rest of the explosives under the chair. Weaver procured an oil lantern, lit it and waited for Highway 73 to wake up.
Eventually, he did. Channel 29 waited until he took full stock of the situation. Fear was evident in his eyes.
Channel 29 took the oil lantern and held it near a fuse. Highway 73 jerked wildly. "I'm going to light this one fuse and you will die. I'm not going to stay, but I thought I should tell you something before you die."
Highway 73 stopped jerking for a moment and stared at her. She lit a flash bomb under the chair and set the lantern next to it.
"This is for my sister."

Thank you, I'll try to correct some of this stuff. The thing about embellishment, though, is that to embellish something is to dress it up with fictitious elements. I'm pretty sure it works at least the first time, though perhaps I should use a synonym the second.

Hi there!

Woah, this was intense. I'm a little confused, the name thing and all. I'm guessing your referring to the fact that Channel 29's sister was killed on Highway 73? That's what I'm getting from it, and I'm pretty sure it's right. If so, this is really fascinating. I love this idea and how you executed it was adorable. A suggestion would be to redo the story in the sense that none of what they're doing relates to highways or channels. A mill? Finding a skeleton? I dunno, it's a little random to me.

The only other thing is that you jump around a lot. It started out as a dare and then randomly get to this mill where the girl has fireworks stashed and is going to kill someone? What? I think you need to make this a bit longer, explain a bit more, and make it so there's some suspense. How you can do this is by hinting towards the end without giving it away completely. Talk about the things she has stashed in the basement, or how she's one step ahead of him by knowing that he knows it's all a trick. Something that will keep me a little more interested.

If I'm being honest, the only thing that really kept me reading was the channel/highway thing. I was reading the entire way through waiting for there to be this moment where you would be like "Oh yeah, something happened on this guy's highway that makes me hate him". But it never came, and that was disappointing. It's good to leave mystery and you can sure keep it this way and it'll still be good, but since this is so bizarre you should really explain the name thing. It would help your story a lot.

The only other thing is your punctuation, which you can read here: Punctuation Withing Dialogue by Demeter. It's a great article and I highly recommend reading to up your grammar skills!

Keep writing,

Classy

Whoa, that's really good! hahah, is there some type of meaning behind the names or a catch?
And that's really good- I like you're writing style (:
GAH this makes me want to learn so much more about what happened but I think that it's cool that you ended it with the,

"This is for my sister."

It makes the reader stop for a while and think, wondering what happened and filling in some other story details with their imagination. I know I had to take a step back from reading for a while to think of what's happening.
it's very interesting and it definetely pulled me in. It, for some reason, reminded me of CSI or something heheh. Good job with it though

From,
CookEmonster

awsome really awsome i swear i could read this over over again keep writing

Hello there, I suppose it's time to review this bad boy.
I honestly thought this was just another story of little kids getting into trouble and then the scolding from the parents would follow blah blah blah happy ending, but i did not expect that ending in the slightest. And it was a pretty good story. I love the dialog between channel and highway,and wouldn't mind just a story where they banter back and forth. I also like your way of describing things.

She felt the hesitant whispers of breezes, little scouts for a massive army.

I loved that line. Although, highway and channel seem a little like brother and sister, not exactly enemies. If there was maybe more of a hint that channel hated highway for what he did, besides just that she was out for revenge, that would have made this story infinitely better. Also the story was very jumpy at points. Especially in the beginning. First it's a dare, then there are skeletons and ghosts, then fireworks in the cellar and her killing him. If it was a little longer I think this problem would've been fixed. Overall the story was good, but kind of jumpy and a little confusing.
Best Wishes!