Young Writers Society

My Terrifying Experience

Falling leaves were scattered all over the muddy wet floor. Towering trees swayed from side to side as the wind gushed past them. The visibility was dangerously low due to the impenetrable sun light. Somewhere past the towering trees there was a gushing sound. A sound of gushing water like kids in a candy store. The constant buzzing of mosquitoes and flies made a constant irritating sound. Ants and other tiny, weak insects made their way past fallen leaves, sap of trees, muddy death holes and preying animals.

Out of a bush came a bloody hand, ripped and torn. The rest of the body was not much different. In front of the prickly bush there stood a figure. The figure happened to be holding a big dirty stick. The face of this boy was not showing the happiest expression, with a nose that was bent to the right, eyes that were bloodshot and ears that were scrapped. This boy George was accompanied by his older brother Chris. This tall, strong, heavily built figure with blue eyes, blonde hair and perfect clothes looked as if he came straight from a holiday resort. Something in George’s eyes looked as if he was scared, lost, frightened and even watched.

The brothers set off deeper in the Amazon. They tried their best to not leave any trails but there was always one noise that would give away their location, it was the constant winging of Chris about his perfect facial appearance. The trees got closer and closer together. The space around them was becoming more and more unpleasant. The night sky entered without any notice and engulfed the daylight, bringing darkness and sorrow. They had to stop and make shelter for the night. Up ahead there was a small cabin on top of a tree. But the problem was there was no way to get up, no ladder, no support and definitely no rope. “Why did we stop” asked Chris curiously. George didn’t respond, just stood there thinking of a way to get up. “Let’s throw our bags up there first, so that will be some weight off our backs and then we climb up one at a time” said George. George took a step back and threw his back pack up. The bag landed on the top with a thud. Something wasn’t right. The bag fell right back down. George threw it again and waited a few seconds later, the bag fell back down. George was fed up. “Give us a try, weakling” teased Chris. “Fine” said George and threw the bag straight at Chris’s face. “Hey, watch out, Bro, do you have any idea how hard it is to get a face this perfect, only the well gifted and those deserving can get a face this good. You on the other hand, well that’s another story. “Just throw the dam bag” barked George. Chris just laughed and had a try at throwing the bag. A perfect shot that landed deep in the cabin. Both George and Chris waited for about 2 minutes. The bag stayed. “Well there you go, I’m better looking and I’m stronger... “Said Chris but before he was about to finish his sentence, something dropped from the cabin. It wasn’t the bag, it was small round and it was ticking. Just then it exploded sending smoke in every direction, debris was flying all over the place. As the smoke cleared, the damage could be clearly seen. Trees in a 10 meter radius were destroyed and fire engulfed the leaves on the ground and right in the center of the ground, there laid two lifeless bodies.

George woke up slowly and gently rubbing his eyes before actually opening them. The environment, he was in almost made him puke. There were bodies everywhere, some intact and others in pieces. George hadn’t noticed yet but his hands were nailed together. He didn’t even try to move his hands. Next to him in a small cage was Chris. All congested together but still alive. George tried waking up his brother but he didn’t get up. Next to George was a small red box. Inside the box there was a knife wrapped around a small note. The note read.

To find the key, cut and destroy the body and look under the heart, next to the left lung and do all this before your life comes to an end.

At first George didn’t know what was going on, and then it struck him. He leaned over to Chris’s body and looked at his shirt; it was drenched in fresh blood. George went closer and ripped Chris’s shirt. Down the middle of his heart was a line. The line was a stitch that was only made about an hour ago. George tried to wake up Chris but it wasn’t any use. He didn’t respond. Just then there was a screeching noise, the wall in front started to open up and out came a small machine. It was coming straight for him. With swords and knives and sharp objects protruding from the sides and the middle. The machine was moving at a constant speed. George only had 3 minuted to live. George looked back at the note and read it again. It all made sense, George had to do the unthinkable, an Autopsy for his living brother.

George liked his brother too much to risk his life. It was either Chris or George. It was a selfish choice. George tried getting up but then noticed that he had a metal chain around his neck. George was too young to die. Just then a arm shot out and grabbed his neck. George turned around to see that it was Chris. He looked so different. Bloodshot eyes, blood dripping from his mouth and his left ear was cut off. “Ah, ah, C -Chris please let go” said George. Chris just growled. The grip around George’s neck was getting tighter and tighter. George picked up the knife using both his arms. This was extremely hard when your hands have been nailed together. George stabbed the knife into Chris’s left wrist. Chris let go and howled in pain. George knew what he had to do. Tears dripped from his eyes, but he still went ahead. He stabbed the knife in Chris’s head, within seconds Chris died. George made an incision down Chris’s heart. This was very hard. George placed both his hands down the hole. It felt warm and wet. George was looking and searching. The machine was only about a meter away. Just then George pulled it out, it was the key. Now George had another problem. Where was the keyhole that stopped this murderous machine? Then George spotted it. It was on the machine itself, next to the place where the swords came out, there was a small keyhole. There was only one way he could manage this, he had to let the machine get close enough to his leg. George placed the key between his toes’s and then reached on towards the machine. The key slipped and George was losing time. He tried again and this time he got it in. The trouble was now starting. Some of the swords changed their angles and aimed straight for George’s leg. The swords penetrated his thick skin and bones, George howled out in pain and there were tears pouring from his face. He didn’t stop or pull back his leg. Even with the pain he turned his leg, and the key turned. The machine roared and died soon after. The chain around George’s neck automatically fell off. George was highly relieved, but the thought of his dead brother made him fell like a traitor.

George slowly stood up and tried to walk, it was extremely hard but he did it. There was a small opening behind from where the machine entered. A dim light was flickering and the floor was wet. A noise came behind him and turned around just in time to see the object rushing at him. He ran. Stumbling nearly all the time. There was a small opening just ahead. George jumped and just made it inside. What he saw inside, he will never forget.
The room was huge, like a giant hall and inside was a rocket. The rocket stood about 35 meters. Just behind the rocket was a massive red wall. On the wall was about a thousand LCD screens, each one showing a different picture. The LCD’s seem to be recording everything that went on in the Amazon. There was this one screen that was showing Chris’s dead body lying still. George was confused and disturbed. Something was moving around in his hair. He reached and pulled out a metal cockroach. He slammed it against the floor and heard a crunch, but this wasn’t the sound coming from the insect it was someone behind him. There stood a boy about George’s age. The boy tilted his head and stared very closely at George. What the boy did next was truly psychotic.

The boy started to crack his knuckles and twist his neck. Then he grabbed a stick and jabbed it into his left eye. George just stood there and watched in horror. Then the boy grabbed his hair with both hands and pulled, till his scalp was tearing of his head. Parts of the skull were reveling. Blood poured non- stop from his head. His left eye socket was empty. He grabbed his stick and jabbed it into his heart again and again. His chest had about fifty holes in it but he didn’t stop. He bit off about 7 chunks out of his wrist. He grabbed a rock that was on the floor and jabbed it into his right eye. The boy stopped killing himself and walked towards George.

George watched in horror and crawled backwards. The boy was getting closer and closer, with his torn body. He grabbed George’s arm and took a bite. George howled out in pain and punched the boys left cheek with his other hand. The boy stumbled and charged once again towards George. Just then George remembered that the knife was in his left pocket. George took the knife and stabbed it in the only part of a man that would kill him in one shot, his groin.

The boy stumbled and fell backwards, dying instantly. Just then the dead body turned into a big ball of smoke and vanished. George coughed and went to his feet, his whole body was aching, but all he felt was sorrow and despair. George stood looking at the wall when suddenly... “5, 4, 3, 2, 1” came a noise from one of the LCD’s. George saw the rocket starting up. George knew that he was too weak to stop the rocket and so he ran. Back through the cave and into the open space. George was safe but he had no idea where the rocket was going. George looked back and saw the machine approaching, and on top of the machine was the boy.” Hello, George. Said the boy. Welcome to your worst nightmare...”

George woke up all of a sudden, back in his bedroom with all his belongings and possessions. George felt relieved. He then got out of bed for a small glass of milk. He placed on some slippers and headed for the steps. As he was making his way down he stumbled and fell down seven stairs. It was a hard and painful fall. When he looked up to see what he had tripped on he was shocked.

In front was a arm, obviously ripped off. George jumped to his feet and ran towards the kitchen. ”Hello George, were back” said the boy. The boy had tied up George’s parents and his brother. In the boys left hand was George’s dogs head. George tried to turn and run but approaching towards him was the machine, bigger and meaner with more swords than ever before. George froze hoping that this was another dream; he finally figured out that it wasn’t when one of the swords went flying towards his head...




The End?

Falling leaves were scattered all over the muddy wet floor.

Great starting line. I find it to be a big passive, though, and therefore uninteresting. I'd make it more aggressive, more dynamic. Something like this: "Falling leaves blew across the floor, scattering over the ground to stick in the fresh mud." It establishes an image in your reader's mind, which then establishes a setting.

impenetrable sun light

This actually means that the sunlight can't be penetrated, rather than what you mean; that the sunlight cannot penetrate the trees. You might say something like: "The visibility was dangerously low; even the rays of the sun could not penetrate the thick branches overhead."

On run ons and dialog.

There are a number of them in this piece. Go through them, find them, and fix them. If you need some help with this, let me know. Also, each new speaker should mark the start of a new paragraph. For example, if Chris talks, it's a new paragraph. If George responds, you need to start another one immediately after.

On ganked plots.

The key thing was ripped straight from one of the Saw films. Get your own idea! It would be just as effective to force the brothers to fight to see who would survive, than to use one of Saw's admittedly brilliantly twisted concepts.

On meaning.

We never come to understand what any of this means for the character. Granted, it's (kind of) a dream, but still--it turned out to be real, and should therefore probably have some sort of meaning. Was the rocket a transportation device to get out of his dream and into the real world? What was the significance of the metal cockroach, and the self-mutilating midget that can survive his eye being gouged out, his scalp being pulled away, and fifty holes in his chest but not a knife to the groin?

On the number 1 teenage cliche:

The old "It was just a dream--OR WAS IT" cliche. It's been done. A lot. Hell, my first horror story did it. I even remember the last line; "It was all just a dream--but if that was the case, why were my Nike's caked with mud?" Yeah. Went there.

Very interesting piece. There's a lot of potential for symbolism, metaphor, and layers of reality here, I just think you need a expand on them a bit if you want it to be a viable piece.

Thanks for the read. Let me know if you want me to expand on any of these criticisms in order to help you out.
--D

hi! this is my first review, sorry if it's horrible!

Great descriptions at the beginning, but I have a few comments.

Falling leaves were scattered all over the muddy wet floor. makes me think of an abandoned house here, you could say forest floor to clear it upTowering trees swayed from side to side as the wind gushed past them. The visibility was dangerously low due to the impenetrable sun light awkward phrasing, as someone said before me. Somewhere past the towering you've repeated towering, saying swaying or rocking would be good instead trees there was a gushing sound. A sound of gushing water like kids in a candy storethis confused me, kid's gush? Maybe rushing water instead. The constant buzzing of mosquitoes and flies made a constantrepeat of constant, sayy somethign else irritating sound. Ants and other tiny, weak insects made their way past fallen leaves, sap of trees, muddy death holes and preying animals.

You did a great job of conveying a scene, with just a few minor errors in blue pointed out.

Out of a bush came a bloody hand, ripped and torn

great way to grab the readers attention. Peaceful forest to bloody hand.

I figure the start's the most important, so I helped out on that but i'm short on time and wanted to give you feedback.

Your flow's weak and choppy at some points, with short sentences followed by something completely different. It could be a style of your writing, i don't know. MAybe read it over aloud to yourself or a friend, your friend might get confused when you say,

The environment, he was in almost made him puke.

with the pause between environment and he.

It's all a little strait forward, not very in depth. I think if you read this over or wait for another, older, more helpful member's review you can get some really good advice for your piece.

I didn't really look at this piece before reviewing, and it's not really my genre. Hope I helped!!

An interesting start... Potential... My thoughts going through:

I'm not terribly fond of the title. It's kind of lame and childish, like some kid sitting at a campfire saying, "Okay, guys, you ready? You ready? This is going to be the SCARIEST STORY you've EVER heard! >8D"

"Falling leaves were scattered all over the muddy wet floor" If they're on the floor, they've stopped falling.

"The visibility was dangerously low due to the impenetrable sun light" The sunlight is the thing that's penetrating, isn't it? So what make it impossible to see the sunlight? Or do you mean that there's a glare, and that he can't see because the sun is in his eyes?

"A sound of gushing water like kids in a candy store" I'm not sure this simile works the way it is. I kind of get what you mean... Bubbly, excited, eager, uncontrollable. But you may want to phrase it more clearly. Something like... "A sound of water gushing along its banks like kids in a candy store." Maybe. Or just ditch the candy store thing and find a simile that's more unique, and more fitting with the situation.

"constant buzzing of mosquitoes and flies made a constant irritating sound" Constant and constant. Watch to make sure you aren't getting too repetitive.

"preying animals." I'm not sure this is the correct way to phrase this. The animals that prey upon them? Hunting animals?

"Out of a bush came a bloody hand, ripped and torn. The rest of the body was not much different. In front of the prickly bush there stood a figure. The figure happened to be holding a big dirty stick." I think this could be better organized... First show us the figure in front of the bush, and THEN show us the bloody hand. Also, I think you can combine the two 'figure' sentences to make things smoother.

"The face of this boy was not showing the happiest expression, with a nose that was bent to the right, eyes that were bloodshot and ears that were scrapped." This is a bit passive, and it sounds strange. Maybe change it to something more like this: "This boy didn't have the happiest expression on his face, with a nose that bended to the right, bloodshot eyes, and scrapped ears." Or something. XD

"This boy George was accompanied by his older brother Chris. This tall, strong, heavily built figure with blue eyes, blonde hair and perfect clothes looked as if he came straight from a holiday resort. Something in George’s eyes looked as if he was scared, lost, frightened and even watched."
I get that you're trying to create a contrast between the two characters, but again, I think this could be organized a little better. Finish telling us about George before you mention his brother. In other words, move the part about George's eyes.. Also, can you find a different way to tell us how amazing Chris is, without using the word 'perfect'? Because when a character's anything is referred to as perfect... I groan. It's one of my pet peeves. Show us, don't tell us.

"They tried their best to not leave any trails but there was always one noise that would give away their location, it was the constant winging of Chris about his perfect facial appearance." A little wordy. Also, if he's whining, then I guess he's not trying his best, is he? And one more thing about this: I think some dialogue would help to draw us into the story more and give us a better sense of these characters. Don't tell us that Chris is whining. Show us what he says.

"bringing darkness and sorrow." They already had the sorry. Now it's just dark.

This big paragraph in the middle where they're throwing the bag needs some work. First of all, you should really start a new paragraph every time a different person starts talking.
"Oh, really?" you ask, sheepish.
"Yup. Just like this!" I reply.
Second, numbers under ten should be written out (two instead of 2). Makes it look more professional.
Why is Chris confused when they stop? And why doesn't George ever really explain?

"As the smoke cleared, the damage could be clearly seen." By who? Up to this point, I've been a little confused about whose point of view we're seeing from. Is it George or some unknown, all-knowing narrator? Because if it's George, then he wouldn't be seeing himself and Chris as lifeless bodies.

What happened to the person(?) in the treehouse when they threw the grenade(?). If it affected all the trees around, that would include the treehouse's tree, right?

"George hadn’t noticed yet but his hands were nailed together. He didn’t even try to move his hands." Uh... No. This is fine for George, because it means he doesn't have as much pain or suffering. But that's not good for us. The reader WANTS to see pain and suffering. Let him move his hands and cry out at pain like he's never felt before! Have him freak out! His hands are nailed together. Speaking of which, how does that work? Are they nailed to a board in the middle of them, or does one nail go through both hands, or two nails go through... What keeps his hands from slipping off the end of the nail that doesn't have a head on it? And how on earth is he going to open a box/use a knife if his hands are nailed together? Maybe it would be easier to nail the feet... Then they can't run away. >:) Much more diabolical.

"Inside the box there was a knife wrapped around a small note." Wouldn't the note be around the knife?

Also, the person who threw the grenade(?) down. If he was going to capture them, why do that? And why would he have thrown the bag back down before? Why not just let them come up and take them by surprise that way?

"The line was a stitch that was only made about an hour ago" Because everyone on the planet has the ability to look at a stitch and instantly tell how long ago it was made.

How does George know he only has three minutes to live? And, the machine confuses me. How big is this cage? Is this knife machine attacking him, or holding the tools he's supposed to use to cut up his brother? Why three minutes? No way he can do an autopsy that fast...

It just occured to me. What was the hand in the bush? Was it George, or Chris, or someone else? :/

"This was extremely hard when your hands have been nailed together" No duh. And how did he got the box open before?

You keep saying things along the lines of 'It was hard.' Well no DUH! These guys should be in AGONY. Their hands have been NAILED TOGETHER. Keys were somehow implanted UNDERNEATH THEIR HEARTS. I'm surprised they weren't dead to begin with! Show us! (These are enthusiastic exclamation points, not irritated yelling, just so you know. I'm actually really liking this).

"head. Parts of the skull were reveling." Parts were revealed, or 'head, revealing parts of the skull.'

"about fifty holes in it but he didn’t stop. He bit off about 7" Again, write out the numbers. Also, 'about fifty'? 'about seven'? I don't think we need the exact count. And why does George just stand there while all this is going on? Why not run away?

I'm in agreement with Ego about the ending. XD

Overall:
This has potential to be a good horror story. However, I have no connection to the characters. We don't know what they were doing in the Amazon, or why they were beat up in the beginning (were they even beat up? What was the hand in the bush? :/) It was pretty devoid of emotion, considering all the stuff that was happening (he had to kill his brother!), and there were some typos and stuff, too... All of these meant it was a little hard for me to get into the story and enjoy the sheer gruesomeness of it.

Again, lots of potential. It just needs some more work. :]

Keep writing.