Young Writers Society

(A/N: TSoaC stands for Two Sides of a Coin)

Augh, where am I?

Richard woke to a bright sun shining on his face from a window. His thoughts were jumbled and he had a headache. He sat up and leaned over, putting his head in his hands. What happened last night? There were those people, those people that had followed him and Jason after they had . . . Jason! What happened to him? Richard lifted his head up urgently. He knew he wasn’t going to find his friend by just sitting here. After rubbing his eyes Richard scanned where he was. It appeared to be like a dorm room, with 2 dressers, 2 desks, 2 chairs, 2 beds, a sink, a mirror above the sink, and of course the window.

He hopped of the bed he was apparently on, and nearly collapsed. His entire body felt weak; he leaned on one of the dressers for support and mumbled a curse. Another thought came to him fast, and he quickly jabbed his hand into his pocket. He relaxed when he felt the cool metal of his pocket watch. If he didn’t have that he was going to have flipped.

He managed to stumble to door without hurting himself. Leaning on the door he put his hand around the brass doorknob. He slowly began to turn it and . . . it was locked. Richard banged his head on the door; he should have seen that coming. He somehow made it back to the plain bed he was originally on. He sat for a moment before deciding to look out the window. The room he was in was on a second floor, and the building was next to a large pond. Before thinking about anything else he tried to open the window, but it too was locked.

Leaning against the window and continuing looking outside, he felt as though he should know where he was. He knew most every part of the city, but he couldn’t wrap his head around his current location. The sound of the door opening surprised Richard and he turned back around quickly. The doorway was now open and a man of maybe 30 had taken a step inside. He was a tall, thin man with light coloured skin and a bald head. He carried a clipboard and a blank expression.

“You are Richard, correct?” he said with a slight accent.

“Sorry man, you must have the wrong guy, my name is ‘Rih-chard’, not ‘Re-shard’,” Richard mocked the accent the man had. The un-amused looking man continued to look un-amused.

The man sighed, “Get yourself together and go to the Registration room as soon a possible,”in obvious boredom. The man turned to leave but Richard wasn’t going to let him leave without some sort of explanation.

“Hey, wait! Where am I am anyways?!” he asked first, then added, “And how am I supposed to know where this registration room is?” The man stopped, and it looked as though he was considering whether or not to answer. He sighed.

“To answer your first question, you are in the male dormitory section of the West Academy. The answer to the second is, you find it.”

“Wait, I’m . . .” Richard was still processing where he was, “why the hell am I here?!”

“You have been chosen, obviously.”

No, not obviously, thought Richard. The man was about to continue walking away but Richard had one more question he needed to ask.

“Can you at least tell me where Jason is?”

“Hm? You mean your friend? He should be in room 615,” and before the red haired boy could ask anything more, he left. Richard jumped off the bed, and, just like the last time, nearly collapsed. He cursed again and shuffled to the sink for support and so he could look at himself in the mirror.

He looked like a wreck. The hair on his head could only be described by the term ‘bed-head’. He had never put forth much effort into it, but he now combed it with his fingers, trying to make it look like he hadn’t just come out of a clothes dryer. His gold eyes stared at him through the mirror; he looked down. God, he hated his eyes. They had proved their worth though, and it was through more than just seeing. There was also a bruise on his neck. Probably a result of whatever had happened last night.

Once Richard felt that his legs were strong enough he did a slight stagger into the hallway. He rested on the side of the doorway, looking both ways trying to decide which direction 615 was. He finally just chose to go to his right, hoping it wouldn’t prove to be futile. The number plate next to his door read 610; Jason had to be close. Unless he had already made his way out of his room, if this was the case Richard was going to slap him, once he did eventually find him. As he walked, Richard noted that the floor was kind of cold, and realized he wasn’t wearing anything on his feet. You gotta be kiddin’ me. He was glad no one else was in the hallway; he knew they’d probably be mocking him.

Hi Lauren;

Disclaimer: Everything in this review is opinion. While I won't always say "In my opinion,." it should always be implied unless explicitly stated otherwise. I don't presume to think my opinion is law, and neither should you. If you think something works for your story, and I disagree, go with your own instinct. YOU are the creator of this world. We just vacation here.

...followed him and Jason after they had . . . Jason! What happened to him? Richard lifted his head up urgently. He knew he wasn’t going to find his friend by just sitting here.

Huge logical leap for someone so sleepy. This moved way, way too quickly for the reader to follow properly. Wouldn't someone that groggy simply assume that his friend was nearby, and go to look for him? It seems a little dramatic, for someone just waking up.

It appeared to be like a dorm room, with 2 dressers, 2 desks, 2 chairs, 2 beds, a sink, a mirror above the sink, and of course the window.

Ew. If there's two of everything in the room, why not just call them pairs? "Two each of..." would also suffice. Note that you write out numbers under 10. Why "of course" a window? The reference to it earlier is not good enough. I'd say "and, of course, the window that had so carelessly let in the sunshine that had awoken him," or something to that extent.

He slowly began to turn it and . . . it was locked.

Boring. Saying it's locked doesn't convey any sort of image for us. Give us some tactile description.

Richard banged his head on the door; he should have seen that coming.

Why? Is he expecting to be locked in?

The sound of the door opening surprised Richard and he turned back around quickly.

No key turning in the lock? Must be a magic door.

Richard noted that the floor was kind of cold, and realized he wasn’t wearing anything on his feet.

Kinda cold? and he's stressing about it? That's silly. If it were REALLY cold, that'd be another story.

On picking nits.
I know, I'm picky. But honestly, if the wording of a sentence is off, it can really ruin the flow of a story. In my opinion, you've got more than a few sentences that are worded funnily (not a word, don't care). Your sense of how people talk and interact is pretty good, however. I liked your dialog very much.

On setting a scene.
Not a fan of the way this started. when someone wakes up in a strange place, they notice. They take note of everything about a room, trying desperately to discover where they are and any hint as to *why* they are there. Your character does not do this. Also, you only mention once about the events of the night before, though your character would probably be digging into his mind to try to figure out how he ended up in such a place.

On thoughts and italics.
If you're gonna have his initial thought (and, incidentally, the rather uninteresting-and-possibly-cliche first line of the story) in italics, then all of his internal dialog needs to be in italics. Fix it.

Thanks for the read;
--D

Hey Lauren! Interesting story so far. I'm assuming this is part of a longer work? Are you thinking of putting more up at some point?
Anyway, on with the review!

Nitpicks:

Augh, where am I?

This opening line didn't do much for me. I think the reader will get the sense that he has no idea where he is or what is going on as they continue to read. I would take it out.

Richard woke to bright sun((light)) shining on his face from a window.

Richard lifted his head up urgently. He knew he wasn’t going to find his friend by just sitting here.

He went from dazed and confused to being urgent and determined in a matter of seconds. If he had a headache wouldn't moving his head "urgently" make it worse? How do you move your head "urgently"? Maybe try a different word.

After rubbing his eyes Richard scanned where he was. It appeared to be like a dorm room, with 2 dressers, 2 desks, 2 chairs, 2 beds, a sink, a mirror above the sink, and of course the window.

Make the first sentence more active. "Richard rubbed his eyes and scanned.." Dorm rooms may look different depending where you are but I'm guessing it's a pretty bland room. Maybe just say "It was a basic room with two..." and spell out the numbers.

He hopped of the bed he was apparently on, and nearly collapsed. His entire body felt weak; he leaned on one of the dressers for support and mumbled a curse. Another thought came to him fast, and he quickly jabbed his hand into his pocket. He relaxed when he felt the cool metal of his pocket watch. If he didn’t have that he was going to ((would )) have flipped.

I would make the second sentence two sentences instead of putting a semi-colon in there. I would combine the two middle sentences, "He quickly jabbed his hand into his pocket and relaxed when..."

Leaning on the door he put his hand around the brass doorknob. He slowly began to turn it and . . . it was locked. Richard banged his head on the door; he should have seen that coming.

Again, make that first sentence active. "He leaned against the door and put his hand..." I would take out the dots after "and", it makes it appear a little juvenile. Again, two sentences instead of the semi-colon.

He somehow made it back to the plain bed he was originally on. He sat for a moment before deciding to look ((looking)) out the window. The room he was in was on a second floor, and the building was next to a large pond. Before thinking about anything else he tried to open the window, but it too was locked.

The stuff I crossed off isn't needed because it doesn't add much to the sentence. It's slightly redundant and you'll have stronger sentences without all of the passive stuff.

Leaning against the window and continuing looking outside, he felt as though he should know where he was. He knew most every part of the city, but he couldn’t wrap his head around his current location. ((New paragraph here))The sound of the door opening surprised Richard and he turned back around quickly. The doorway was now open and a man of maybe 30 had taken a step inside. He was a tall, thin man with light coloured skin and a bald head. He carried a clipboard and a blank expression.

First part of the first sentence isn't needed because it's redundant. Underlined portion: where is this city? What city? Needs a new paragraph where I stated because something new is happening there that doesn't directly relate to the rest of the information in the paragraph.

“You are Richard, correct?” he said with a slight accent.

You could add more detail here and describe the accent.

The un-amused looking man continued to look un-amused.

The repetition just doesn't work for me here. You could say something like "The man was not amused." And I think I would add it to the next paragraph instead of having it here. Then you could say "He sighed, ..."

The man sighed, “Get yourself together and go to the Registration room as soon a possible,”in obvious boredom.

I think you should capitalize "room" as well since it's part of the title of the room if that makes any sense. Slashed out part is slashed because it's slightly redundant.

“Hey, wait! Where am I am anyways?!” he asked first, then added, “And how am I supposed to know where this registration room is?” ((new paragraph here))The man stopped, and it looked as though he was considering whether or not to answer. He sighed.

I would combine those two sentences and take out the stuff in the middle "Where am I and how am I.." I think it flows nicer that way. New paragraph where I stated because it goes with the dialogue in the next paragraph, combine it with that paragraph.

“Hm? You mean your friend?

Did you mean Him or Hmm as in thinking? I would take that out, it's not needed.

They had proved their worth though, and it was through more than just seeing.

I feel like this will get explained later?

Once Richard felt that his legs were strong enough he did a slight stagger((ed)) into the hallway. He rested on the side of the doorway, looking both ways trying to decide which direction 615 was. He finally just chose to go to his right, hoping it wouldn’t prove to be futile.

The number plate next to his door read 610; Jason had to be close. Unless he had already made his way out of his room, if this was the case Richard was going to slap him, once he did eventually find him. As he walked, Richard noted that the floor was kind of cold, and realized he wasn’t wearing anything on his feet. You gotta be kiddin’ me. He was glad no one else was in the hallway; he knew they’d probably be mocking him.

[/quote]
Before the slashed part the sentences need to be re-punctuated a little. Period after 610. "Unless he had.." who is "he", clarify that. Period after "room". The slashed out part isn't needed in my opinion.

You've got a good start here, it just needs some fleshing out. Don't get discouraged cause the overall plot sounds interesting. I want to know what is going on. Going forward, make sure you really develop your characters so the reader can know them as well as you do and try to avoid passive sentences. This is action, make it sound actiony
Let me know if you need anything at all or have any questions.

-Carly

Hi there!

Just a side-note, if this is a novel (which it seems like it is to me) then you should consider putting a 'chapter 1' or just '1' in your title and asking a mod to change it over to novels for you. ^^ This way you can continue on your story, people can follow it and read it all the way through.

Anyways, this was cool! My only problem is that I've read about three or four other stories like this on YWS alone. That's fine, because originality isn't always just the idea, but how you execute it, your characters, and your own personal flares. You have the writing down. It was fun to read this mainly because your writing is really smooth, calm and relaxing. As far as characters go, you might want to consider adding a bit more about his personality. We all know he's a jokester by how he mocks that man, so embrace that! You should sit down and figure things out about your character. It'll help, trust me.

Now, what I'm confused about is this eye thing. Obviously his power is in his eyes. My problem is how he reacts to what the guy tells him, about where is is? The West facility or something like that? If he has powers, he would probably know that there's something out there that contains people like him. If he does know, then why doesn't he ask 'why am I here?!' obviously he knows why, right? But then, if he doesn't know, he seems to familiar with the place. He doesn't ask what it is, it's like he already knows. So his reaction confused me a bit, and you might want to clear it up. ^^

When writing this, please, please be sure to make it original! I really like your writing and I can see this going somewhere; just don't have it turn up like every other story about 'special' kids getting locked in a facility where they teach them what's going on and they form a superhero group and save the world. I have faith in you and this story! Keep writing,

Classy ^^