Young Writers Society

I had only known him for a year, I hate that he is gone so soon. The crazy blond with a soft tan and his gentle blue eyes. His name was Drew. He moved here a few years ago, when I first saw him, he was taking his first steps into Mrs. Becke's classroom, just across the hall. I had heard that he wasn't the least bit timid. He didn't mind striking up a conversation with a stranger.

We met at a soccer game. He walked up to me, said, "Hey, Your looking nice today!" and sat by me. I was shocked to hear this, I mean, I know i'm pretty, but people just don't tell you at random. I would have found this a bit creepy, if I wasn't fifteen and headstrong. "Thank you! I work hard at it! My name is Lynne, aren't you the new guy in Mrs. Becke's class?" I asked him, smiling.

They were right, he was never timid. We immediately plunged into a conversation about last weeks history final, such a boring topic, but it was just the fact we were talking that made me happy. He was a really great guy. It wasn't like either of us had to force the conversation to go on. He was my friend. A really good friend. We both loved soccer, we could talk about it all day, if we didn't have other things to talk about. I would give me family advice, He would give me relationship advice. A lot of people thought we were dating, but we never did.

Drew was so loving. His parents were on the verge of a divorce, his dad worked as an accountant for some big company, and his mother worked at a diner. He loved them both, even when they came home in such bad shape. He didn't grow angry, he helped them. He would make coffee for them the next day, he would try to sober them up. I love how he was so kind.

One night, his father came home drunk. It was rainy and cold, fog hid the night from view. We were studying for an exam the next day. He came in staggering, an empty bottle clutched in his hand. The retched stench of alcohol followed him like flies. "Who is she?" He asked, his voice slurred by the spirits. "Dad? Where have you been? You said you were at the office!" Drew said, his voice quavering nervously. He stood, and gently gripped his fathers shoulder, stabilizing him. "Let go! I don't need help, I'm fine!" He lied, I started to gather my things. "Just let me help you to bed," Drew said, sighing, he gave me a solemn look, a tear was forming in his eyes. I don't know how he loved his parents..

On my birthday, a few days before him, I invited him over. It wasn't a big party, just me and my family. He came in smiling with a card, and a gift wrapped in red paper. He placed it upon the oak table and immediately introduced himself to my father. My dad looked confused! It was hilarious. "A-Are you her boyfriend?" he asked, stunned. Me and him began laughing together. "No sir, we're just friends," he said politely. "Don't worry dad, we're to good of friends!" I said, smiling at him and Drew. By the end of the party, I think my dad wished we were dating.

We never really had a relationship that was anymore than a friendship. We were more like brother-sister. He said the same about me, we could never have ended up dating, Even if we wanted to, because now he is gone. He just disappeared, just like that, like he never existed. People have been talking about it for days, the police have been trying to find leads, or at least a body. His mother found his room empty, with the window shut. He had just ate dinner with her moments ago.

It's starting to get windy in this old cornfield. It lays nestled amongst red fall leaves, quiet, calm. Yellow and white beams of light are sweeping the rows of young corn stalk, that sway smoothly with the wind. The legs of fellow searchers are made wet by the fresh dew. We are searching for him, it's freezing, and I'm cold with fear, but sweat is still soaking my hair and forehead. The atmosphere is tense, I hope I don't shine my light on his pale, cold face. I just hope I'm not the one to find him. I don't know if I want anyone to find him, that would mean there is a chance he's still alive. If he were to have killed himself, I wouldn't be able to take that either. It would seem like he gave up, and he was never a quitter. He never quit on his mother and father, even after they divorced. I don't think he killed himself, but if he did, I think I'd have to follow him into the cold hands of death.

It's far too dark to keep looking. The cold air is finding its way into the jacket I am wearing, the one he let me borrow two days before he vanished. I place my hands into my pockets to keep them war and I feel a folded piece of paper in it. It isn't mine, I had never put anything in these pockets. I took it out and began to unfold it, It was in his hand writing.

Dear Lynne,

Today is my birthday. I'm eighteen, an adult, and I have to leave you now. I made mistakes, actually, I made a mistake with someone. I won't tell you who, that way you won't hate her. Me and her, we are going to have a child, unless she decides against it. It was never our intent, not our goal, but it was our choice. Whenever she told me, I was scared, I didn't want to be punished, I didn't want anyone to find out, but I wanted to give the baby a chance. I couldn't have him die.
I left it up to her. It is her choice now. That seems to be the problem I'm having, one choice leads to another. Anyway, now that I'm an adult, I've made the choice to start over. A new life, I'm moving away. I won't tell you were. I can't. But now that I'm gone, I will tell you this, I loved you. More than anyone. That's why I'm leaving, I wouldn't be able to see the anger in your face if I told you in person. I guess I'm just too much of a coward.

Remember me,
Your Coward

Warm tears trickle down my cheek, staining the page. Once I'm done reading, I place the paper in my pocket. I want him to have his second chance. "Hey, Everyone come in, it's too dark to keep looking," an officer called out, his voice echoing into the night. I didn't need to keep looking anyway. I've already found him.

That was a great peice of writing, everything was structured perfectly and flowed beautifully, in my opinion.
The only mistakes I could find were:

I placed my hands into my pockets to keep them warm

I'm guessing you were meant to say pockets, either that or hand instead of hands.
I loved this peice and will be on the lookout for more!

Nats

Hey there! If your little age thing is correct, you're a pretty good writer for a 13 year old! Overall I thought the story was pretty good. It was definitely interesting and I didn't really see that ending coming.

Here are some nit-picks (if something isn't clear please let me know):

I had only known him for a year. That ((The)) crazy blond with his ((a)) soft tan and his gentle blue eye's. His name was Drew. He moved to Gold River, CA about a year ago. One time, he even said he called this small town home ((once)). He used to go to my high school, we were best friends.

There's a lot going on in this paragraph and the sentences don't flow together very well, it's a little choppy for me. You could make the underlined portion a little more clear. The first time I read it I thought it implied that he moved away to CA not moved to CA. I would make it slightly more clear that he moved there and that's where the narrator lives too. You could say something like "He moved here about a year ago" and leave out the exact location (so it could be anywhere). I would divide the last sentence into two sentences where the comma is to add more emphasis.

We met at a soccer game. He just walked up to me((,)) and said, "You're beautiful," and sat by me. I was shocked to hear this, I mean, I know i'm ((I'm)) pretty, but people just don't tell you at random.

I liked how straight-forward he was but I think it sounds a little blunt. Personally, I would like him more or find him more attractive if he had the "smooth-talking" thing going on. Like he walks up to her and says "You know you're really beautiful". Cause I agree with what the narrator says, it's a little weird when someone just randomly says "you're beautiful".
The narrator sounds kind of full of herself at this point and I'm not a huge fan. If you want her to sound full of herself than that's fine but otherwise I would say something like "I was taken aback" and "I suppose I'm pretty but..."

It would have been creepy, if I wasn't fifteen and headstrong. "You're observant! My name is Lynne, aren't you the new guy in Mrs. Becke's class?" I asked him. We became friends almost immediately. We had so much in common, so much we could talk about. It wasn't like ether of us had to force the conversation to go on.

That first sentence doesn't make a ton of sense to me and I think it sounds a little odd.
I would start a new paragraph at "We became friends" and add a little more to that. How did they become friends so quickly. They each said one thing to each other and bam! friends? You could say something like "we began talking and I realized we had a lot in common"

We never really had a relationship like <i>that</i>. We were more like brother-sister. He said the same about me, we could never have furthered our relationship to that. Even if we wanted to, because now he is gone.

Even though I'm pretty sure people know what "that" is I would define it in case it's something more or something less than you're implying. "That" could vary a lot for people. The last sentence is a fragment. You can fix it pretty easily but adding "we couldn't" or something after "wanted to".

It's starting to get windy in this old cornfield. It lays nestled amongst red fall leaves, quiet, calm.

I liked this description.

If he were to be found dead , murdered in cold blood, I couldn't take it. I don't think they'd find the body of his killer, there wouldn't be much left. If he were to have killed himself, I wouldn't be able to take that either. It would seem like he gave up, and he was never a quitter. I think I'd have to follow suit.

I think the first sentence is fine meaning wise but after that it gets a little odd for me. Body of the killer? Where did that come from? Why wouldn't there be much left of the killer? If they found him dead they wouldn't necessarily know right away how he died so the killer and suicide thing threw me off a little. I would take all of that out, everything in this paragraph except maybe the first and last sentence. That adds some impact and suspense.

It's starting to get to ((too)) dark to keep looking. The cold air is finding its way into my jacket, actually his jacket. One he let me borrow two days before he vanished.

The last two sentences are phrased a little odd to me. I would put a period after "my jacket" and then start a new sentence saying "Actually it's his jacket, the one..."

Today is my birthday. I'm eighteen, an adult, and I have to leave you now. I made mistakes, actually, I made mistakes with someone.

If he got someone pregnant isn't that one mistake not multiple? "I made a mistake with someone."

I wouldn't be able to see the angst in your face if I told you in person. I guess I'm just too much of a coward.

I don't think her face would have angst. Maybe hurt or anger?

I really liked how you ended it, it was really effective. Overall it was good. Interesting idea and interesting execution. It just needs a little fine-tuning and a little more oomph. I think if you could build up the characters a little more and let the reader know the characters a little more we would feel more for them and the ending would be a lot more sad. Maybe you could have some flashbacks to some of their good times together or add some more dialogue in the beginning when they first meet so we get a sense of who these people are.
It has a lot of potential though so keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions.

-Carly

Hi there! I'm going to be reviewing this for you.

So I'm going to start with a bit of nitpicks first, okay?

I had only known him for a year, its hard to see him gone so soon. That crazy blond with his soft tan and his gentle blue eye's

Should be *eyes here. Eye's makes it a possession, like Luke's eyes. Not Luke's eye's. If you said Luke's eye's, you'd have to say what it is about Luke's eye's pupils look a little weird. See the difference? Simple mistake, it's easy to fix.

I know i'm pretty, but people just don't tell you at random.

*I'm. Remember to capitalize your 'I'. Also, I like this. I mean, I like how she's not afraid to tell herself that she knows she's good looking. This means she has some respect for herself and that she knows what kind of person she is.

I think I'd have to follow suit.

??? I don't get this. Care to explain what you mean but a suit?

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Okay, overall I did like this story. You wrote it quite well and it was interesting to read.
I actually did not see the ending coming up like that. I thought he was dead or murdered or ran away because his mom or some sort of family problems. I actually thought the two would end up together or something.

However, even with that I think you should have given us some more emotion and more of an explanation with the relationship between the two characters. I felt like it wasn't enough to really feel the bond between them. You said a lot but you didn't exactly show us a lot, if you know what I mean.

There were some mistakes in your writing that I think you could easily fix and most of them have already been pointed out by the review before me. Just keep working at it and you'll be fine. You story is great and it does have a lot of potential but it will need some more spice and sugar to really give it that extra push and that extra bit to make it stand out a little more. Keep working and if you have any questions, just shoot me a pm and I'll be happy to help you out.

Keep writing,
-Pink

Hey, just thought I'd review a story today, and as luck would have it, I guess I'll be reviewing yours So let's get right to it, then..!

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I had only known him for a year, its hard to see him gone so soon. That crazy blond with his soft tan and his gentle blue eye's. His name was Drew. He moved here a few years ago. One time, he even said he called this small town home. He used to go to my high school, we were best friends.

First, I found that the second half of the first sentence was kind of oddly worded. Maybe it would make more sense to say "it's hard to believe that he'd be gone so soon". Second, I felt that I had immediately lost interest in "him", even before he was more formally introduced. I do think that this was an interesting idea, because it did add a sense of mystery to your story, so there is really nothing wrong with what you did.

Something I would have done, for example, would have been to introduce Drew first, show how he and the narrator had become great friends, and basically try to give the reader some time to learn about and enjoy his character. Then I would drop a short, heavy sentence along the lines of "I haven't seen him since that day" (for example) in an attempt to catch the reader off guard and hopefully make them fear for the character's safety, etc.

In fact, later in the story, I felt that when the narrator had said "he is gone. He just disappeared, just like that, like he never existed", it didn't have the gut-wrenching effect that you intended it to, since we already know that he'd disappeared from the beginning of the story.

That's just something to think about, really. Like I said, it's acceptable the way you have written it. I guess what I'm trying to do is look for possible ways for you to lengthen your story, and to help you get the readers more emotionally invested.

The fragmented sentences after the first sentence, like a previous reviewer had mentioned, seem to be dumping a lot of information on the readers. It's always a better idea to show rather than tell, whenever you can! I think you could reveal all that information pretty vividly by describing the scene where they first met in full detail.

I'm here with a search party, looking for a body. I just hope I'm not the one to find him.

I liked the whole change in scene, from the relatively upbeat atmosphere of the soccer game where the two first met, to the uninviting, and ominous field where police believe Drew's body may be located. However, several things ran through my mind when reading this paragraph. For one thing, I really couldn't believe that the narrator would have been anything less than frantic at this point! If they were, as she claims, such great friends, I feel like she should not have been able to say that she was "looking for a body" so casually, without the smallest indication of terror, you know what I mean?

Other things that came to mind included: what lead the police to search for Drew's body in this field? What grounds do they have to believe that he could be dead? This could be another good chance for your to expand on your story! I was also wondering, why is it that the police have allowed Lynne, a young girl, to accompany them on a potentially morbid search for a loved one's body? None of these questions, however, are as important as the one I outlined in my previous paragraph - it really is important to show that Lynne is distressed over Drew's disappearance!

If he were to have killed himself, I wouldn't be able to take that either. It would seem like he gave up, and he was never a quitter. I think I'd have to follow suit.

This is another opportunity for you to expand your story: why would Lynne even consider the possibility that Drew may have killed himself? Or, alternatively, what is it that makes Lynne say that Drew "was never a quitter"? Perhaps you could show us by having Lynne describe a time where this characteristic of Drew was revealed.

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I liked the twist at the end where Lynne finds Drew's note in his jacket's pocket - great idea! However, I lost some respect for Drew when he told her in the note that he had impregnated another girl and yet "loved (Lynne)... more than anyone".

On a final note, I found that you switched tenses a couple of times during the story. You had initially began your story in the past-tense. Later, at the beginning of the search scene, the narrator had said "It's starting to get too dark to keep looking", and you changed to the present tense. After Lynne had read Drew's note, you wrote "I remember warm tears trickling down my cheek, staining the page. Once I was done reading, I placed the paper in my pocket", returning to telling the story in the past-tense.

Overall, I enjoyed the idea of the story, especially that little twist at the end... I dunno, I guess I just like unexpected turn of events... You have lots of room for expanding your story, for example by throwing in little flashbacks, etc, to help characterize Lynne and Drew. Another thing I liked about the story is that Drew came across as bold, as he had dared to tell Lynne that she was so good looking in the beginning, but in the end he realized he could never face her again. I found that cool because usually characters start off with a flaw and develop so that they overcome it, but in the case of Drew it went in kind of a backward direction, from brave to a coward. I dunno if I'm reading too much into this, but I liked your ideas anyhow!

Keep writing!

~a2sd

Hi There!

First off I liked to say you have talent on show here.

However, a I did like this story but somewhere in the middle I got a bit lost.

He had just ate dinner with her moments ago.

Here yous start talking about dinner and then BAM! Your in a corn field and it's cold. I was just like what?
So I reckon re-think that bit so it flows better.
All that said, I like that you have done this from a girls perspective.

So good job and keep up the writing.

~ T.K

Okay! I'll get into the editing! It's been awhile since YWS! Time to jump back in!

Thanks for the reviews! I went through the critiques, and it seems quite a bit better! Thanks guys!