Young Writers Society

I was on a Greyhound bus on my way to visit my parents. College had been my life for the past half year, but this visit served as a well-earned reprieve from the hectic life; a girl could only go so long without her mom and pops. A medium sized hamper was in the storage compartment for my mother to launder once I got to my house. The other passengers on the bus were occupied with their own preoccupations. I dozed off and listened to my iPod.
Suddenly, the bus wheels squealed and everything jerked forwards; my neck snapped back and I heard the crack of something under my skin. A mumble barely had time to escape before the Greyhound is bashed from behind; this time everyone went back. Screams finally got to the surface, and frenzy settled in. I curled into a ball on the ground, nursing my throbbing arm and stiff neck, when a strange noise met my ears.
Slobbery, animalistic grunts.
Peeking through the rungs of the chairs, I spotted the source of the noise. A large bear, ropes of slime attached to its face and foam exuding from its mouth, crashed through the back door and tumbled onto the aisle. Another hurtled in through the windshield, taking out the driver. Then things became chaotic.
I scooted further back away from the aisle, grabbed my pillow and held it over me. Sheer terror silenced the screams and howls pooled in my throat, and I shut my eyes.
This was all a dream.
This was all a dream.
Yet, when I next opened my eyes, the bear’s disgusting snout was wrapped around someone’s head and guttural noises reported from its throat. Vomit erupted from my stomach onto the floor; time to move.
The chemicals racing through my body fueled my frantic leap up and around the bear. Sensing my fleeing, the monster kicked out with a hind leg and caught me on my thigh; it instantly burned as if it were on fire. Crying out, I fell, stumbled blindly out of the back door and at last screamed my head off until my eyes felt like they were going to pop out of their sockets. Someone came up from behind me and began dragging my body back away from the bus. People were sprinting away and trying to get service on their cell phones, looking for weapons. A child fell off the bus with an entire leg gone.
I managed to make myself look down at my own leg and began dry heaving. Four long, angry gashes spilled blood, and deep into the worst slash I could see my bone.
“Hang on, hon.” A woman’s voice, shaky and high pitched but clear, rang through my pounding eardrums.
“I’m…I’m…” I tried to speak but my voice came out as a terrified yelp. Hysteria crept into my mind. A savage bear is attacking the bus. Just minutes ago I was happily drowsing off to sleep.
“No!” I screamed again, holding my head. It was all too much. I’d heard about mothers lifting cars off their children in the moment of adrenaline, of men killing others with a single hit; how was it then, with all this commotion around me, I could not manage to do anything?
The world became a dizzying spell of white, black and red. My whole upper torso shook and hurt like hell. I felt like a baby as the woman grunted and groaned, trying to frantically, crazily get me away from the bus, even when it seemed like she had lost all sense in doing so.
My teeth began tingling, a strange sensation. Before I could cry out again, an object that felt like a train hit me full-force, and it was like a dam burst in my head; black gushed over everything, and I fell down into the river of floating unconsciousness.
All comments are welcome! Don't be shy

Hi!

This was actually really good! I wasn't sure how it would be, honestly, when I saw the description. But it seemed like a very new idea, and I really hope you make a sequel out of this! I want to know why the bears are attacking a bus, who the woman is and why she won't give up on this one girl.

Please, if you decide to go further with this, let me know! Awesome job!

Whoa, okay!

So, this is an interesting story. I like the idea of it, and I think you definitely have the potential to take it far. Right now, this just kind of feels random. We don't know why this happened. It sort of comes out of no where; there isn't really any build up in the beginning to get us used to what kind of world we've entered and who the characters are.

So, my main advice here would be to slow down. Soak up the atmosphere. I don't really care if you don't tell us why the animals are doing this; in fact, it would probably be better if you didn't. It adds to the mystery and makes it that much more of a chill to read. You've shown in this piece that you can describe. Use it; mention the bus, mention the scenery, make things seem in the calm before you hit us with disaster. Then, once disaster strikes, set the scene. How do the others feel? How does the bus transition from peaceful to chaotic? What is your narrator like? Since you're in first person, use this as an opportunity to develop her thoughts and how she feels when the animal attacks her at the end.

It may not seem like much, but these details will make your story a much more interesting and exciting read. Hope this helps! Good luck with your revisions, and feel free to drop me a note if you have any questions.

~ Elinor

Very nice job. I really liked this, and I thought it was really well-written. My thoughts going through:

" a girl could only go so long without her mom and pops." I like this line. I think it gives us a real sense of this character, and the way she speaks. I can picture her saying this really well, and that's good. ^^ It means I'm connecting to your character already.

"occupied with their own preoccupations." I'm not sure if you were trying to do a play on words thing here or not, but to me it just came across as being a bit repetitive... Also, maybe you could give us some examples? What specifically is the passenger to her right preoccupied with? What about the person sitting in front of her? Behind? Help us picture this bus scene a little more.

"I curled into a ball on the ground," Keep in mind that she's on a bus, so the ground is probably going to be a little cramped. Maybe she bangs an elbow on the seet, or ends up with her face way to close to another passenger's feet. Or maybe she doesn't even leave her seat, and she just pulls her legs up beside her (since I don't recall you saying that she fell out of her seat or anything)

"Then things became chaotic" Then? I think things have already become chaotic. XD Maybe just add an 'even more' after 'became'?

"Sensing my fleeing," -ing and -ing. A little bit repetitive.

Very interesting. A little gory towards the end, but that's not always bad. Lots of action, and you definitely kept me hooked the whole way through. The one thing I might like to know is why the bears are attacking. What point is there to it? And when they get stopped, where are they? Out in the wilderness or in the middle of a city? (Right now I assume wilderness, but you never really say that anywhere, so...)

Again, very nice writing, good job with suspense and emotion... I might have liked to see a little more imagery and setting, but other than that and the things I mentioned above, this is really good. Nice work!

Keep writing.

I like it, my only real confusion is about what it is. If it's a stand alone short story, it should either be longer, or have more questions answered. If it's the first chapter of what I'm sure would be an EPIC novel, I feel it should be longer and should also be in the novels section. Either way, you need to decide whether you are or aren't going to continue this, and if you are, you don't have to change this at all.

That said, it's pretty awesome. although, a lot of things happen without any real context, which I usually like, it's my style, but if not done right it just looks sloppy and unformed. Honestly, I think this transcends the formula. It's not perfect, but it doesn't leave a sour taste either.

It does have a sense of spontaneous cranial explosions (A medical condition that is assigned to stories where things HAPPEN for no apparent reason) but it works well, I'm sure it will work even better if you decide to continue this and slowly explain what the heck just happened.

Cheers! Keep writing, do what you do!

thanks for the comments everyone, you're being very helpful yes, I'm going to continue this into a novel of some sort, I'd just like some pointers on how I'm doing so far