Young Writers Society

The howling of vicious barks, screeching of sirens, and roaring of motors could mean only one thing: he had been discovered. He frantically began fleeing these horrifying sounds, but he could not escape them. Knowing he could not evade his relentless pursuers, he halted and desperately searched for refuge amongst the vegetation. Despite the darkness of the somber night, he caught a glimpse of hope in some shrubbery directly to his left. The fugitive immediately lunged to the side thrusting his body into the thorn-infested bushes. The pain was excruciating, and it required all of his might to stifle a wail. Squinting to confirm that his body was properly hidden, all he could do now was silently wait in terror and plead with God for the pervading officers to proceed on past their vulnerable prey.
The ruthless guards had often scoffed at the prisoners who resorted to begging with God for liberation from this forsaken island.
"There ain't no God who would ever step foot on this island with you filthy outcasts," they growled. "You're all here because of one thing: your criminals. You blew your chance at freedom whenever you decided to violate national law, and now you're here on the hallowed grounds of Camp Sokatoah."
Danny knew that was true. Sokatoah merely served as a dump site for some of the most notorious felons convicted of indefensible crimes such as murder, rape, drug trafficking, and others. He, himself, was no exception to this trend. Danny had been charged multiple times with aggravated assault, and was eventually deported to Sokatoah after repeated offenses. He had long ago strayed off past the boundaries of redemption, but now he implored God to express that estranged concept to him.
As the sounds intensified, Danny began to quiver.
Stay Calm. You are going to survive this.
Peering through the bushes, he saw faint lights penetrate the heavy darkness. Within moments the faintness of the lights escalated into bright illumination exposing every aspect of the slumbering forest surrounding him. All it would require was one beam of light cast over to the thin bushes to exploit the trembling renegade.
The blinding lights were accompanied by the harsh voice of Commander Archibald barking out orders to his inferior officers. Archibald was an intimidating middle-aged man who had maintained his muscular build from his military days, and always wore a scowl upon his rough face. He foisted terror upon the inmates merely with his mesmerizing glare. Below his left eye rested a fierce scar that extended from his cheek bone to bridge of his nose, and this wound spawned much curiosity amongst the prisoners. Some assumed that it was acquired from military combat, but others accredited the peculiar gash to the lone man to ever escape the Sokatoah confines:
As the terrifying voices hovered around the bush, Danny contemplated surrender. Attack wasn't a viable option considering the odds favoring the voluminous wardens. If he peacefully acquiesced to them, would they spare him? Danny knew the consequences for minor violations like quarreling with fellow inmates or failing to complete your daily assignments were quite scurrilous. Considering the harsh punishment for minuscule misdemeanors, he wouldn't dare test the sadistic officers retribution for his major offense. Danny opted to remain concealed within the security of the vegetation awaiting on tenterhooks for his fate to be decided...
_ _ _
Back at the grounds the prisoners were exuberant. One of their fellow inmates had escaped the fortified purlieu and was on the outskirts of the notorious island. From their solitary cells boisterous cheers resonated throughout the grounds infuriating the guards.
"Unless each one of you wants a week in Hell's Cabinet, I suggest you shut up!" snarled a guard.
"You couldn't even fit Darryl in there, let alone all of us," jeered Rayford, the comedian of the convicts. The rambunctious inmates chuckled while Darryl bellowed out profanities. Darryl was an obese prisoner accompanied by the meager height of 5'8 making him the topic of much taunting.
Stomping over to Rayford Batistelli's cell, the indignant guard threatened, "If I hear one more word from your mouth, Batistelli, I'll keep you in there for two weeks!" Silence swept over the cellblock.
Rayford scoffed at his snide threats. The guard himself was a rather plump man, and Rayford didn't hesitate to utilize that in his response.
"I'll tell you what," a grin manifested upon his face, "If you and Darryl can both fit in there, I'll let you keep me in there 'til I roast." A roar of laughter surged through the block. The prison guard was infuriated.
"That's it, you little scum! Whenever I get my hands on you," he lunged towards the iron bars with keys, "you'll regret every word!" Turmoil broke out in the chamber. Prisoners screaming and rattling bars, officers barking for silence. Chaos. The commotion was bordering upheaval until one sound silenced it all. Not one man on those grounds could mistake it. The crack of a gun. The shot that would forever change the mystique island of Sokatoah...

"The howling of vicious barks, screeching of sirens, and roaring of motors" Howling of vicious barks sounds odd to me... I would change this line to either 'The howling dogs, screeching sirens, and roaring motors' or 'The howling of dogs, screeching of sirens, and roaring of motors'.

"He frantically began fleeing these horrifying sounds" This is a little passive... I think something more like 'He fled from the horrifying sounds' would draw us into the action more, and really pull us into the story.

You're using lots and lots of adjectives and adverbs, which are good forms of speech for describing things, except that when you use so many of them at one time, it can be a bit overwhelming for the reader. Try showing us more than telling us.

Some typos. At least one instance where your should be you're. Be sure to proofread.

"He had long ago strayed off past the boundaries of redemption, but now he implored God to express that estranged concept to him." This sentence, and a few others like it, are a bit wordy. Keep it simple when you can; sometimes using a lot of big words feels like you're trying to impress the reader too much.

"voluminous wardens. If he peacefully acquiesced to them, would they spare him? Danny knew the consequences for minor violations like quarreling with fellow inmates or failing to complete your daily assignments were quite scurrilous" Voluminous. Acquiesced. Scurrilous... I know what those words on, but will everyone? And there are definitely simpler ways to say this. Again, it sounds a little bit like you're trying too hard to impress us with your (VERY) extensive vocabulary... Unless this is written for a contest or English assignment or something where you're supposed to use as many big words as possible? Just be sure that you're using all these words in the right places. I know I've had some 'duh' moments where I used words incorrectly before. XD


Right when things start to get interesting, you cut it off. Is this all there is to the story, or are you adding more later? (If the answer is the latter, please do send me a link). Where was the shot? At Danny? In with the other prisoners? How do the prisoners know what's going on, and how did Danny escape in the first place? Isn't the fat guard better trained that he wouldn't go and UNLOCK the cell that has all these murderers and stuff inside? Didn't the other guards try to stop him? What happens to Danny in the end? What led him to those charges of aggravated assault? At this point, I haven't really connected to any of your characters, which means I don't care as much what happens, which means I'm less likely to keep reading.

You have the potential for a great prison-break story here, but I'm afraid this may need a bit of revision. The two main things I would say is, give us more connection with Danny, and... I hesitate to say 'dumb down' the language, but that's essentially what it is. Don't be afraid to talk more simply if something can be said clearer that way. Those are your two biggest issues right now.

Keep writing. :]

Hello there. First off, I was to say good job on the descriptive writing. I think you did a very good job. One thing I did find a bit annoying is as follows

"some of the most notorious felons convicted of indefensible crimes such as murder, rape, drug trafficking, and others."<<<<<<<<<<<I think you should lose "and others", because and others isnt a crime. A few other very small mistakes i picked up on, which the reviewer above me picked up on for the most part. Other than that this is good and cant wait to read more of it.Keep me posted. If you get some free time, please take a look at my novel Flight 764 and let me know what ya think! Cheers

Alrighty!I'm Gheala and I'll be reviewing this! Don't feel down with all the nitpicks.
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-->The howling of vicious barks((Barks don't howl. You might need to change that expression.))

-->(New paragraph here)He frantically began fleeing (fleeing from)these (those)horrifying sounds, but he could not escape them.

-->Knowing he could not evade his relentless pursuers, he halted and desperately searched for refuge amongst the vegetation...
(That got me a little confused. What vegetation? You might need to show the setting to the reader, before you tell us about the movements of your MC)

-->The fugitive immediately lunged to the side thrusting his body into the thorn-infested bushes.
I think it would be better, if you put a comma before 'thrusting'

-->The pain was excruciating, and it required all of his might to stifle a wail...
(Hm.. How about you tell us about the pain? I want to know how your protagonist felt)

-->Squinting to confirm that his body was properly hidden, all he could do now was silently wait in terror and plead with God for the pervading officers to proceed on past their vulnerable prey.
(I think you need a comma before "past", because it confused me and made understanding the sentence slightly difficult at first)

The ruthless guards had often scoffed at the prisoners who resorted to begging with God for liberation from this forsaken island.
This expression is a little weird. Now, the guards wouldn't care if the prisoners were begging God to be freed or they just wanted to flee for any reason. So, I think it would be better if you omit that part and make something like: "...at the prisoners who fled from the prison". Of course, it's redundant to say "prison" twice, but I just mean that guards don't care for the reason of the fleeing, but merely the very deed of escaping. You know what I mean?

-->"There ain't no God who would ever step foot on this island with you filthy outcasts," they growled. "You're all here because of one thing: your criminals. You blew your chance at freedom whenever you decided to violate national law, and now you're here on the hallowed grounds of Camp Sokatoah."
That is what I'm talking about. Guards are usually more like robots, moving around according to rules and laws. They wouldn't yell out at the guards and blame them for fleeing while searching through the island. They just search.

-->Stay Calm. You are going to survive this.
Maybe you should make this italic, so we'd know they're Danny's thoughts.

-->The blinding lights were accompanied by the harsh voice of Commander Archibald barking out orders to his inferior officers. Archibald was an intimidating middle-aged man who had maintained his muscular build from his military days, and always wore a scowl upon his rough face. He foisted terror upon the inmates merely with his mesmerizing glare. Below his left eye rested a fierce scar that extended from his cheek bone to bridge of his nose, and this wound spawned much curiosity amongst the prisoners.
I think this is a good description of the Commander. I just think you should tell us how he made Danny feels and not the rest of the inmates.

-->As the terrifying voices hovered around the bush, Danny contemplated surrender. Attack wasn't a viable option considering the odds favoring the voluminous wardens. If he peacefully acquiesced to them, would they spare him? Danny knew the consequences for minor violations like quarreling with fellow inmates or failing to complete your daily assignments were quite scurrilous. Considering the harsh punishment for minuscule misdemeanors, he wouldn't dare test the sadistic officers retribution for his major offense. Danny opted to remain concealed within the security of the vegetation awaiting on tenterhooks for his fate to be decided...
Hm... Your vocabulary doesn't need to be this thick. A reader likes a good writing style and a good character and he doesn't want to always hold a dictionary while reading your piece. Not everyone knows such big words and you need to make it simpler. Simple is always better for the reader.
_ _ _
Hm.. Honestly? I didn't like it for many reasons. Your vocabulary, like I said was overly big and difficult, while the reader always feels more comfortable with easier words. Big words will make him think you're intending to show how well-educated you are.
That was a prologue, so you needn't put so many details in it. It was... a little crowded. We have Danny running away, we have descriptions of the Commander, we have quarrels in the end. You might need to pick one detail to talk about. Maybe something about the reason why Danny went to prison (even though I'm not a fan of the reasons you listed in that piece).
I think you need to proofread. And to tell you the truth, I'm not fond of the idea of prologues in general. It makes me feel as though I'm being pulled away from the novel and its events, even before it starts. It's usually hard to write it well, because you'll be trying to introduce a WHOLE novel in only a few pages. I needn't an introduction to understand a novel. But of course, that is your choice and decision to make.

That's all. Keep trying. Usually, the first few attempts are difficult.

Interesting choice of a character -- a criminal who's escaping from prison. I can tell there's a lot of potential here, so let's see if we can improve this. I'm not going to do a line-by-line, I'm sure you're capable of making corrections yourself, so I'll give you a list to go through when you redraft this.


1. Word choice
Have a flick through the nearest action novel you have! Read through the first page, and look for words more than 1-2 syllables long. Not many, huh? You should try to recreate this faster-paced-feel in your own writing.

Try to avoid "vegetation" when "bushes" will do. Try to use words that come naturally to you rather than ones you feel are worthy of a story -- keep the sentences short and sharp and exciting!

Also, no matter how out-of-hand and rioting the prisoners are, I don't think they'll ever really be "exuberant"!


2. Natural speech
Interestingly, you did this brilliantly with all the dialogue in the piece! I could really hear the voices of the characters, and their phrases didn't seem forced. If you apply this concept to the rest of the story, to the description and narration, then you'll greatly improve it.

You know you're capable of this -- so do it!


3. Characterisation
Unfortunately, Rayford Batistelli and Commander Archibald are the only characters that really get described in this prologue. I'd really like to know more about the main character, but there's just not enough description. The reader wants to hear about his past, his feelings, what he wants to do with his future -- they want to be able to relate to him, so give them the opportunity by telling us about Danny!


Conclusion
Good start -- lots of potential here -- but in order to make this as good as it can be you'll have to work a bit more on it. Read some action novels and try to take on their tone. I think yours is a little strained at the moment with all the long complicated words. So chill. Try rewriting this without the complications and I think you'll be pleased with what you find.

Charlie