Young Writers Society

Alright! This is an excerpt from my romantic thriller novel. The second, third and fourth paragraph isn't originally written in my novel. I added them, so you could understand what happened in the last chapter.

Even if you think there are many reviews written here, don't forget that I NEED your review as well! Thank you a million times.
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I spent the whole night ranting about the horrors I had just witnessed, my voice loud and echoing within the walls of my empty house. After I left the place that curdled my very blood, I asked myself questions and tried to find logic in how Selim reasoned the filthy situation, in which I caught him. Yet, no matter how I thought it through and yelled at myself to concentrate, I never succeeded to find any proper answer.

I found Selim thrashing the poor man in the street with a fist like a hammer against his face, yelling words of threat. His warnings to kill the helpless man resounded in my ears, as though I was still standing in the mouth of that dark alley, watching the vicious attack with a blank mind. It wasn’t until I saw the gleam of a gun beneath the moonlight that I rushed towards them and hit Selim in his jaw, allowing the other man to flee.

Only then did I manage to take an intent look at the face of my opponent, who didn’t fight back no matter how much I punched him. I was horror-struck, for even though the light was faint, I could still make out the rigid features of my best friend and the man I considered closer to me than my own father.

And how did he excuse his unforgivable deed? He told me the man he was fighting was a rapist, who tore the privacy and bodies of five girls before.

Could the man be a rapist?

No, how could he be?

A rapist would hold a piece of weapon all the time. He would need it to make his victims yield before him and to protect himself if he was found out, I reasoned and rubbed my chin fiercely. But the man was unarmed and merely crying to be let go. He didn’t do anything wrong, for as far as I knew. Selim was the one with the weapon, the one who yelled and threatened the poor man.

That’s because he’s a criminal! My own thoughts hissed in my head.

“Shut up! Concentrate!” I yelled at myself and hit my head with the heel of my hand, which merely sent the headache growling like a monster in my ears, tugging at the muscles around my eyes.

I moaned in pain and rubbed my head while I walked in circles inside the dining room. A rapist is a vicious creature, who allowed himself to invade the bodies of helpless girls and boys. Someone like that, with such hatred and insanity within him, would never let anybody fight or threaten him like that. The first thing he’d do is to fight back and diminish his foe, even if he carried no weapon.

At least, I thought so. A horrific person would only react like a predator, yes? I didn't think any criminal liked to be caught.

Yet again, Selim kept yelling at the man for breaking his promise, for repeating his bad deeds. What deeds? What promise? If he was truly a criminal, what would Selim want from him?

Dear God, my sanity was slipping from my brain cells with every passing second.

My thoughts were jumbled and I kept straying away from my attempts to solve that mystery. Nevertheless, whenever I found a second or two to think straight, I only became more certain that Selim was lying to me.

What could I do for him? How could I help him? I asked myself and rested on the staircase, my head clutched between my sweated hands.

And that was how I spent the rest of the night, but my mind gradually began to hush, emptying itself of both voices and thoughts. I couldn’t think straight any longer and I remained in my place until the light of dawn started to seep through the windows of my living room.

I felt drained of all strengths and my face looked like that of a ghost, when I had a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. Like a heartbroken character in a dramatic movie, my eyes were half closed and blank of expression, and my skin was almost as pale as the dead. That look on my face matched the feeling of emptiness within my chest.

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Hello I have a few nitpicks and then I'll comment on content and whatnot.

A rapist is a vicious specie, who allowed himself to invade helpless girls and boys.

Two things about this sentence. 1.) A specie is money in coin form. "Species" is both singular and plural. 2.) I don't really like the word "invade" in this sentence by itself. Perhaps "invade the bodies of" or "invade the privacy of," or maybe change the word.

He would have so much ego within him that he’d think he’d win no matter what.

There was an instance where you used "for" when you should have used "from," but right now I'm pinched for time and I can't find it.

So, firstly, I'd like to say that you captured the dramatic mood of this piece really well. You can tell that the main character is frantic to figure it out, because their best friend is a criminal or whatever.

Something I didn't like was that I could not tell whether or not the main character was a boy or a girl. Since this is an excerpt, I'm sure you explain it somewhere else in the book, but I'd still like to know while reading this.

I also didn't really like the way the main character rationalized her thoughts about the one being abused by his/her friend. Of course the points they made were valid, but I didn't like the way that it was spoken in the 2nd person. It made me feel as if you were pushing all their views on me, and I felt obliged to agree. Instead of, say, having the MC express their thoughts through a monologue and letting the reader decide whether they agree or not.

Overall, I quite enjoyed this, and I might read the rest of the book later. Keep writing. That is all.

Alright! An excerpt! Red signals changes to be made.

Gheala wrote:
I spent the whole night ranting about the horrors I had just witnessed, my voice loud and echoing within the walls of my empty house, after I left the place that curdled my very blood. I asked myself questions and tried to find logic in how Selim reasoned the filthy situation in which I caught him. Yet, no matter how I thought it through and yelled at myself to concentrate, I never succeeded to find any proper answer.

I found Selim thrashing the poor man in the street with a fist like a hammer against his face, yelling words of threat. His warnings to kill the helpless man resounded in my ears, as though I was still standing in the mouth of that dark alley, watching the vicious attack with a blank mind. It wasn’t until I saw the gleam of a gun beneath the moonlight that I rushed towards them and hit Selim in his jaw, allowing the other man to flee.

Only then did I manage to take an intent look at the face of my opponent, who didn’t fight back no matter how much I punched him. I was horror-struck, for even though the light was faint, I could still make out the rigid features of my best friend and the man I considered closer to me than my own father.

And how did he excuse his unforgivable deed? He told me the man he was fighting was a rapist, who tore the privacy and bodies of five girls before.

Could the man be a rapist?

No, how could he be?

A rapist would hold a piece of weapon all the time. He would need it to make his victims yield before him and to protect himself if he was found out, I reasoned and rubbed my chin fiercely. But the man was unarmed and merely crying to be let go. He didn’t do anything wrong, for as far as I knew. Selim was the one with the weapon, the one who yelled and threatened the poor man.

That's because he's a criminal! My own thoughts hissed in my head.

“Shut up! Concentrate!” I yelled at myself and hit my head with the heel of my hand. This merely sent the headache growling like a monster in my ears, tugging at the muscles around my eyes.

I moaned in pain and rubbed my head while I walked in circles inside the dining room. A rapist is a vicious specie, who allowed himself to invade helpless girls and boys. Someone like that, with such hatred and insanity within him, would never let anybody fight or threaten him like that. The first thing he’d do is to fight back and diminish his foe, even if he carried no weapon.

At least, I thought so. A horrific person would only react like a predator, yes? He would have much ego within him that he’d think he’d win no matter what. Or at least, he would try, because no criminal liked being caught.

Yet again, Selim kept yelling at the man for breaking his promise, for repeating his bad deeds. What deeds? What promise? If he was truly a criminal, what would Selim want from him?

Dear God, my sanity was slipping from my brain cells with every passing second.

My thoughts were jumbled and I kept straying away from my attempts to solve that mystery. Nevertheless, whenever I found a second or two to think straight, I only became more sure that Selim was lying to me.

What could I do for him? How could I help him? I asked myself and rested on the staircase, my head clutched between my sweated hands.

And that was how I spent the rest of the night, but my mind gradually began to hush, emptying itself of both voices and thoughts. I couldn’t think straight any longer and I remained in my place until the light of dawn started to seep through the windows of my living room.

I felt drained of all strengths and my face looked like that of a ghost, when I had a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. Like a heartbroken character in a dramatic movie, my eyes were half closed and blank of expression, and my skin was almost as pale as the dead. That look on my face matched the feeling of emptiness within my chest.

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Ooh! Chills! This story was pretty good! I would probably go and read your novel after this, but I have a feeling it might be loooong and there's only so much I can handle. As you can see, I found very few errors in this excerpt, which is good. Mostly, you just had a few run-on sentences. Keep writing!
-TSM

First off, I want to say that's a great plot you've got going on. Since everything I was about to say has already been stated above, I'll move on to what wasn't said.

Yet again, Selim kept yelling at the man for breaking his promise, for repeating his bad deeds. What deeds? What promise? If he was truly a criminal, what would Selim want from him?

I'm a little confused on who "the man" is; is it the narrator, or is it the man that Selim had beat up?

He would have much ego within him that he’d think he’d win no matter what. Or at least, he would try, because no criminal liked being caught.

The wording of that first sentence is a little awkward, so try and put either an ellipsis or a hyphen after "win." Also, "being" should be an infinitive rather than a gerund. Get what I'm saying? Use "to be caught" rather than "being caught."

One thing I loved about this excerpt is how it's an unfinished internal conflict. By the time morning comes, the narrator has found no solution to his raging, self-conflicting mind. It makes me want to read more, so PLEASE keep up the good work! ;D

Thank you very much! That piece, even though it's short, is very important to me.
Emmy, thank you so much. The narrator is a guy and I certainly pointed that out in the novel, no worries! But I think you're right about the second person views. I'll make my changes. But I'm very glad you liked the rest!
Thanks Maverick and ScratchMan, you got my hopes up, really! Thanks for the reviews- I'll fix the mistakes.
Maverick, by the "that man", I meant the man who was attacked by Selim, not the narrator.

Hello Gheala!

First of all, I think you have a good excerpt here. I liked the way you kept me suspense all the way to the end of this piece. The thoughts that were running in your character's mind helped in building a stronger connection between me and your MC. However, it could've been much better if you had to be more clearer of your story's persona. Who is she in the story? Selim was specified here but your character seemed indistinct towards your readers. She wasn't well portrayed well here but her personal views has somehow helped me know her personality. And about Selim, I suggest trying their relationship clearer and be given more emphasis. And how did your main character found Selim and the criminal?

Grammar wise, I have noticed some sentences that needs working out and to be written stronger. Your introduction sentence, by the way, could be cut into two. But anyways, I adore the way you sue some imageries here and there. It created a good effect in the story. The pacing was good so thumbs up for that.

Overall, this story is good but could be better. This has entertained me from the first word until the very last. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Thank you very much for the review. There is no clear description or details about my MC, because this is the 14th chapter and I've already went through most things in my novel. Yet again, I think it's because a tiny excerpt, the reader here will feel as though the protagonist is left out. And that goes with Selim as well!

I know, yes! The piece could be written much better, but thank God you liked it overall. I usually rewrite more than once, until I reach the semi-perfect look for every chapter.

Thank you very much and I'm very glad you liked it.

NITPICKS|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION|ADDED

Hello there, Gheala. Here for a review. It's a good thing that you value each review you get. It is a very good thing, really. So, I hope if you don't mind if ever I repeat some stuffs already mentioned by the reviewers above. Thanks.

After I left the place that curdled my very blood, I asked myself questions and tried to find logic in how Selim reasoned the filthy situation,<unnecessary comma> in which I caught him.

A rapist is a vicious creature, <unnecessary comma>who allowed himself to invade the bodies of helpless girls and boys.

Hey, let's stop for awhile here and discuss about commas in this kind of situation. Why is the comma unnecessary? First, you need to know why a who/whom/whose clauses are separated by comma. That's only applicable when the clause is not important to the sentence. For example:

Miss Ghea, who is my teacher, entered the room.

Was the who clause important? Whether I insert it or not, Miss Ghea is Miss Ghea and it is not necessary to mention she was my teacher.

On the other hand, those sentences with who clauses that are important to the thought of the sentence aren't separated by the comma; therefore, you're sentence does not need a comma:

A rapist is a vicious creature who allowed himself to invade the bodies of helpless girls and boys.

Because as far as I understand the sentence, the who clause is essential to the line.

OVERALL

Your sentences were great, no grammatical errors, at least nothing serious. But I did notice something at parts that was rather annoying in your work: I find the sentences long. OK, I know you used some short sentences, even one line paragraphs for emphasis; but most of your sentences were composed of phrases, most were added gerund phrases, which were fairly irritating to read. Another thing is, the gerund phrases were usually at the end of the sentence, which made your writing a bit predictable. Take a look at this paragraph:

I found Selim thrashing the poor man in the street with a fist like a hammer against his face, yelling words of threat. His warnings to kill the helpless man resounded in my ears, as though I was still standing in the mouth of that dark alley, watching the vicious attack with a blank mind. It wasn’t until I saw the gleam of a gun beneath the moonlight that I rushed towards them and hit Selim in his jaw, allowing the other man to flee.

Try reading that allowed and let's see if it isn't a bit awkward to read.

Don't rely too much on subordinate clauses. Or maybe it was your placing of subordinate clauses. Experiment with it, put a gerund at the first part of the sentence, or after the subject. Try that and spice up your prose. Just keep on practicing with that.

Now, about the story itself. I can't quite tell what you were trying to show here. If you want more detailed, helpful reviews, you have to post at least a whole first chapter, or the prologue. I'm sorry, but I can't review it as a whole, since I have no idea who the MC is, what Salim has to do with the story. So, apologies for that. Next time, please do post a first chapter or a prologue.

Last thing I wanna say is the pacing was nice. I like it actually. It was swift yet your prose is nice to read. So my review comes to an end here. I hope that I've helped you. KEEP ON WRITING!

Jash ♥

Oh, thank you! Thank you very much for that review.
I did start to feel as though I'm having a little problem with gerunds in sentences. Obviously, I overuse them. I mean, wow, I wasn't aware of it until I read the paragraph you quoted. Now, that's weird. Lol!
I'm very glad you liked it and I know it's very hard to give me an opinion about the novel itself, because you don't really know what the novel is about. But seriously, you made me realize some things I didn't even know about my writing style and I thank you for that!

Thank you a zillion, Jash.