Young Writers Society

A hazy green mist hung lightly over the blue-gray city buildings, while a still breeze rippled through the mild night air. The sounds of taxi’s shouting and heavy music was background noise to one teenager lying awake in his bed, staring up at the dark ceiling above him with wide, awake eyes. The tune of the streets was almost like silence to him and the soft music coming from his iPod player did nothing to help. He leaned over and switched the player off, rolling back onto his back. His gray eyes were itching with tiredness but he couldn’t make himself fall asleep if it meant avoiding that recurring nightmare. Despite the warmth, the thought of the nightmare sent a chill up his spine as he shuddered a little. He visualized the glowing orange flames and felt the sear of fire on his skin, heard the screams of people he knew as he walked through the fire as if it were air.
“Snap out of it, Falcon,” he muttered to himself. He sat up and pulled himself out of bed and walked over to his bookshelf to try and find something to read to distract him. He didn’t have many books that he’d read, and the ones he had were old and dusty. War of the Worlds, Harry Potter, inside my Head and iBoy were among those he had flipped through countless times. There was nothing Falcon could read to take his mind of that horrific scene in his mind, so he pulled on his pants and slung a jacket over his shoulders and the next thing he knew, he was walking down the streets of Los Angeles with his iPod full blast in his ears. There was everything out here to do at night, even if he was breaking LA curfew for his own needs. It wasn’t as if people were discreet about being out, and the police didn’t even bother patrolling anymore, it was a waste of their time. Falcon rounded a corner and saw a bunch of people he knew.
“Eli,” he called, and a dark haired youth turned to face him, and his face broke into a grin.
“Hey bird boy, watcha doing out late? Your mom with get you into trouble,” Eli mocked. Falcon pulled one headphone out of his ear and smiled at Eli’s insult.
“She doesn’t know, or even care,” he replied. Falcon remembered his dream, and remembered Eli had been lying on the ground, dead, as he walked onwards.
“Yeah right, you’ve always been a bit of a goody two shoes since third grade,” the dark haired boy said. Falcon shook his head and took a few steps forward towards him, hands in pockets, fingers gripping the small knife he had concealed there. The blade was cool but his skin was blazing hot.
“You’ve always been a bit of a rebel, though haven’t you, Elijah,” he sneered. Eli’s friends snickered at his real name.
“Shut up feather brain. So how’s your dad? Oh yeah, he’s dead,” Eli shot back at him. Falcon narrowed his eyes. That was a step too far.
“Yeah, you know why he’s dead, retard. You dads fucking police forced killed him,” he spat. He walked closer to that he was chest to chest with the taller boy. Eli smirked and pushed him back a little.
“My dad was just doing his job you know. Ferdinand was breaking the law by keeping an apparently gifted child under his roof. And what happens? You go and burn down a ware house with your fucking powers,” he teased. Falcon found himself trembling, not from fear, but from anger. He had been taking this guys shit for eight years, and he wouldn’t put up with it any longer. He pushed Eli to a wall, brought the knife to his throat and spoke in a low whisper.
“You shut the fuck up, understand? This has gone on for too long and I’m not standing for it anymore. Now, I know things about you that you don’t even know, like if you have a Gift or not. And I’m not saying you do, and I’m not saying don’t, but if you want to know, you have to do a few things for me, ok?” he said. Eli nodded as the knife was dug into his skin, not hard enough to draw blood, but with the pressure to make it uncomfortable.
“Ok, ok, what do you want?” Eli stuttered.
“First, I want my amulet back,” Falcon said. Eli pulled a silver chain with an ankh pendant on it and pressed it into Falcons hands.
“Thank you. I also want you to say sorry to Charlie, you seriously hurt her,” Eli nodded and Falcon let him go.
“Is that it?” Eli asked. Falcon shook his head.
“There’s a lot more to come. I’ll write it out for you,” he said, and turned and walked away, but stopped.
“Oh yeah, this never happened. But you still have to apologise to her,” he said. Eli and his friends nodded. Falcon nodded too and walked away. What the hell just happened, he thought to himself. He shook his head and walked down into an old park that was hardly even used by kids anymore. He sat down on the swing and stared at his hands, where his fingertips were glowing faintly like in that movie ET. The glow was kind of red and the light grew. This only happened when he was angry or upset and this time it was both. He cursed Eli under his breath and hid his hands in his jacket pockets where they touched the blade of his knife.
“What am I doing?” he asked himself.
“You’re acting on what you think is right,” a voice behind him said. Falcon whipped around, pulling his knife out of his pocket, not caring that they would see his hands, which looked like they were on fire. He found himself facing a man about thirty, thirty five years old with auburn hair and dark brown eyes.
“Who the hell are you?” Falcon asked. The guy chuckled and held up a hand, and the knife zoomed into it.
“I’m Oliver Kane, nice to meet you Falcon,” the guy said. Falcon narrowed his stormy eyes.
“How do you know my name?” he asked.
“I saw what you did. I know a lot about you,” Oliver said. Falcon clenched his fists and small flames engulfed them.
“You have telekinesis?” he stated. Oliver nodded.
“And you have pyrokenesis,” he replied.
“Fire. Yeah, I know. I burned down a warehouse that my dad used to own,” Falcon said.
“I knew Ferdinand, we were pretty close friends. You know, he had a power even he didn’t understand,” Oliver said in a distant voice. Falcon perked up.
“You knew my dad? What was his power?” he asked. The telekinetic man in front of him smiled and gave him back the knife.
“He could generate nuclear energy just by being near a nuclear power station. He could take the poisoning out of people and was quite helpful in Japan when he was about eighteen. That’s where I met him, you know. I was helping put back together the Fukushima power station after the 3054 earthquake. The same thing happened in 2011,” he explained. Falcon took this information in and looked at his hands, where the fire was spreading up his arms.
“Mom never told me anything about this....” he said quietly.
“Dolores didn’t want you to know,” Oliver said. Falcon looked down and took a deep breath, then looked back up again.
“What else do you know about my family?” he asked.
“Everything you need to know right now, so ask away,” Oliver sat down on the swing next to Falcons and Falcon did the same.
“What was my dad like, and why did he really die?” he said.
“Ferdinand was a lot like you. Aggressive, intelligent and with strength that only comes out when he’s provoked. He was quite well liked, but he never fit in with the popular crowd, which he doesn’t regret. And he’s not dead, he was taken just before he died, to the Los Angeles Underland,” Oliver said. Falcon’s jaw dropped.
“He’s not dead? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” he almost shouted.
“Once again, Dolores didn’t want you to know until you were a legal adult, so you wouldn’t do anything stupid,” Oliver replied calmly.
“What the hell? He’s my DAD! I have to know these things!” Falcon almost shouted again. Oliver sighed.
“I know how to get into the Underland, but it’s highly dangerous. Pretty much a suicide mission. And you’re not going,” he added as Falcon opened his mouth to speak.
“I am. I’m not letting this drop,” Falcon insisted, then got up to walk away, but Oliver gripped his elbow.
“If you’re going, you’ll need a lot of help. And I mean A LOT of it,” he said. Falcon pulled away.
“I know people with Gifts, a lot of people Oliver,” he snapped. Oliver sighed and shrugged.
“Fine. I’m going to help you then,” he said. Falcon pretended he didn’t hear him and continued walking away, but secretly, he was thrilled that his father was alive and he had a chance, no matter how small, of getting him back for good.


- Should I continue this?-

Finally got around to finishing the whole story, and I have to say, you really do have talent. I can't write at all, but you're very good at it. CONTINUE BETCH >:3

Hi! I'm here to review

A hazy green mist hung lightly over the blue-gray city buildings, while a still breeze rippled through the mild night air.

The first sentence was a bit too descriptive for me. I'd remove some of the description or one of the sentences.

The sounds of taxi’s shouting and heavy music was background noise to one teenager lying awake in his bed, staring up at the dark ceiling above him with wide, awake eyes.

Should be 'taxis' and I'm confused as to how a taxi shouts. Apart from that it's a really good line that links the atmosphere with the central character.

The tune of the streets was almost like silence to him and the soft music coming from his iPod player did nothing to help.

I'd remove the word 'almost' and change the word 'and' to a semi-colon.

He leaned over and switched the player off, rolling back onto his back.

This line is a bit clunky, I'd rearrange a bit: "He leaned over, switched the player off and rolled back to face the ceiling"

His gray eyes were itching with tiredness but he couldn’t make himself fall asleep if it meant avoiding that recurring nightmare. Despite the warmth, the thought of the nightmare sent a chill up his spine as he shuddered a little. He visualized the glowing orange flames and felt the sear of fire on his skin, heard the screams of people he knew as he walked through the fire as if it were air.

I love all this part. Just the right amount of description, I'd just work on a few minor things, like instead of 'he couldn’t make himself fall asleep if it meant avoiding that recurring nightmare', possibly edit to something that suggests he's fearful of returning to the recurring to the nightmare, rather than just saying he didn't want to return to it, as at the moment it sounds like he wants to fall asleep to return to the nightmare but can't do it. Just try reading it aloud and maybe you'll see what I mean. I get what you're trying to say, you just need to make it a bit clearer.

“Snap out of it, Falcon,” he muttered to himself. He sat up and pulled himself out of bed and walked over to his bookshelf to try and find something to read to distract him.

Here, you should try to show rather than say. Rearrange the sentence a bit, for example, 'he needed something to distract himself, so he wandered over to his bookshelf'. Now you've shown that he's going to the bookcase as well as getting inside the characters head to show that he did that to distract himself with a book.

War of the Worlds, Harry Potter, inside my Head and iBoy were among those he had flipped through countless times.

Unless it's relevant to the plot I wouldn't list the books (although thanks for letting me know about this book iBoy. Never heard of it before & I'm going to check it out!)

so he pulled on his pants and slung a jacket over his shoulders and the next thing he knew, he was walking down the streets of Los Angeles with his iPod full blast in his ears.

Again, try to show rather than say if you can.

“Eli,” he called. and A dark haired youth turned to face him, and his face broke into a grin.

"and his face broke into a grin" - Do you mean Eli's or Falcon's? It's not quite clear.

“Hey bird boy, watcha doing out late? Your mom with get you into trouble?” Eli mocked.

“She doesn’t know, or even care,” he replied. Falcon remembered his dream, and remembered Eli had been lying on the ground, dead, as he walked onwards.

I feel like the part when you mention Eli was dead in the dream could be more described. Shock the reader here. Describe exactly how Eli looked when he was dead. Did Falcon get a flash of Eli's pale, bloody face in his mind? Or an image of a mangled body on the side of the road? You don't need to go into too much detail that gives away the dream, but definitely don't just say he 'remembered', say how the memory of this image made Falcon feel. Did he shudder? Did he feel sickened?

“Yeah right, you’ve always been a bit of a goody two shoes since third grade,” the dark haired boy said.

We know his name is Eli now, so continue calling him that, rather than 'the dark haired boy'.

Falcon shook his head and took a few steps forward towards him, hands in pockets, fingers gripping the small knife he had concealed there. The blade was cool but his skin was blazing hot.

Love this. Great description and a shocking revelation about the knife in his pocket; it really gets the readers attention.

“You’ve always been a bit of a rebel, though haven’t you, Elijah,” he sneered. Eli’s friends snickered at his real name.

“Shut up feather brain. So how’s your dad? Oh yeah, he’s dead,” Eli shot back at him. Falcon narrowed his eyes. That was a step too far.

“Yeah, you know why he’s dead, retard. You dads fucking police forced killed him,” he spat. He walked closer to that he was chest to chest with the taller boy. Eli smirked and pushed him back a little.

This seemed really unrealistic to me. I was surprised they would have this dialogue where they outwardly said these things, especially since one of them grinned at the other when they first saw one another. Either set it up at the beginning that they're enemies of some kind, or omit this part and reveal it later, not just in dialogue form as it seems really unrealistic.

“My dad was just doing his job you know. Ferdinand was breaking the law by keeping an apparently gifted child under his roof. And what happens? You go and burn down a ware house with your fucking powers,” he teased. Falcon found himself trembling, not from fear, but from anger. He had been taking this guys shit for eight years, and he wouldn’t put up with it any longer. He pushed Eli to a wall, brought the knife to his throat and spoke in a low whisper.

All this part sounds like a lot happened and it would be really exciting to read about, but it's all been told so quickly that it doesn't make me want to read on. Definitely continue with the piece, but I would take all this information that's in dialogue form and write about that separately, then write all the part where Falcon is about to stab Eli in another part. You don't have to take my advice, of course, but I just feel like you're giving away too much information too soon.

“You shut the fuck up, understand? This has gone on for too long and I’m not standing for it anymore. Now, I know things about you that you don’t even know, like if you have a Gift or not. And I’m not saying you do, and I’m not saying don’t, but if you want to know, you have to do a few things for me, ok?” he said. Eli nodded as the knife was dug into his skin, not hard enough to draw blood, but with the pressure to make it uncomfortable.

I really like the strong dialogue where he's swearing and threatening him, but it seems like such a big turnaround. It has potential and you're good at writing these tense scenes, but you're just giving away too much information that I think needs to be explained earlier. This would be a great fight scene, I'd just give away less information. You can keep the reader guessing even by just hinting that Falcon knows something and Eli knows he knows something, but the reader doesn't need to know what it is.

“Ok, ok, what do you want?” Eli stuttered.

“First, I want my amulet back,” Falcon said. Eli pulled a silver chain with an ankh pendant on it and pressed it into Falcons hands.

“Thank you. I also want you to say sorry to Charlie, you seriously hurt her,” Eli nodded and Falcon let him go.

“Is that it?” Eli asked. Falcon shook his head.

“There’s a lot more to come. I’ll write it out for you,” he said, and turned and walked away, but stopped.

This part is really good. The reader doesn't know what the amulet is or who Charlie is, but we're gripped because we know that Falcon has the upper hand, Eli is scared, there's a few mysteries here and I can't wait to find out what!

Also, another point. I find it hard to believe that Falcon could take on Eli with just a knife and his friends haven't done anything about it. Wouldn't they be armed too? Surely they could fight him off? I would get rid of the friends and possibly just have Falcon jump Eli in a back alley somewhere, it makes it much more realistic, in my opinion.

He sat down on the swing and stared at his hands, where his fingertips were glowing faintly like in that movie ET.

I wouldn't mention ET, you can describe the glow of his fingertips just fine, the image in my head of him in the park is really strong, you don't need to compare it with a film.

The glow was kind ofred and the light grew.

I'd omit 'kind of', change to 'slightly', or 'mild' or just get rid of it altogether. Also, how does a light grow? Either say it 'grew brighter', or change the word.

Also, the fact that after the altercation with Eli he came to the park and his fingertips are glowing ethereally suggests he has some sort of 'Gift', another reason why I think you should get rid of all the information before about his Dad and the Gifts etc.

This only happened when he was angry or upset and this time it was both. He cursed Eli under his breath and hid his hands in his jacket pockets where they touched the blade of his knife.

I like the last line, really nice.

“You’re acting on what you think is right,” a voice behind him said. Falcon whipped around, pulling his knife out of his pocket, not caring that they would see his hands. which looked like they were on fire.

The last part isn't necessary, we already know what his hands look like.

“And you have pyrokenesis,” he replied.

I don't know if you made this up, but I love the word pyrokenesis!

“Fire. Yeah, I know. I burned down a warehouse that my dad used to own,” Falcon said.

Again, too much information. Why would he volunteer this to a stranger? Although I understand with the next bit of dialogue you want to introduce his father and his ability, I think Oliver should do that. He could just say, "I knew your father" and it could go from there.

“What was my dad like, and why did he really die?” he said.

“Ferdinand was a lot like you. Aggressive, intelligent and with strength that only comes out when he’s provoked. He was quite well liked, but he never fit in with the popular crowd, which he doesn’t regret. And he’s not dead, he was taken just before he died, to the Los Angeles Underland,” Oliver said. Falcon’s jaw dropped.

“He’s not dead? Why didn’t anyone tell me?” he almost shouted.

Again, you're giving far too much away. Either just have the man appear and explain that he knows his father and he's not dead and don't give any more info about why or how and explain that later, or just explain about his dad's power but don't say that he's still alive. Leave some revelations for later, otherwise the reader will get bored as they're not attached to the character yet and can't quite empathise with why it's such a big revelation, and also they're is nothing for them to find out later. (It is a good plot though, just tease it out more slowly).

“Fine. I’m going to help you then,” he said. Falcon pretended he didn’t hear him and continued walking away, but secretly, he was thrilled that his father was alive and he had a chance, no matter how small, of getting him back for good.

Great last line, but I think all the other information just needs to come out more slowly. I think the threads need to come out at different times, either focus on the dream, or his father, or the Underland, otherwise it's too much information all at once and it's not that interesting to read.

On the bright side, you're really good at creating scenes, I can really picture Falcon with the knife in his pocket and I like his attack on Eli as well as his meeting with the mysterious Oliver in the park. Just bring it out more slowly. The plot sounds like it's really going places and I imagine Falcon's mission to enter the Underland will be really exciting and powerful. My advice as to how to tease out the information more slowly is to write down all the separate plot points you have going (the dream, Falcon's power, Falcon's Dad, Oliver, Eli, why Falcon's mum is keeping secrets, the Underland) and when they need to be told to the reader. I really enjoyed the piece though and I definitely think you should continue with it. Good luck!

Hi there!

Yes, you should definitely continue this. However, if/when you do, you need to change it. I love the first half - it gives great insight to the character and all that, and I think is an amazing grabber. However, if you stretch this out into a novel or something, you definitely need to save the part with Oliver for a couple chapters later. The Oliver character in novels, the person who enlightens the main character? Probably shouldn't be introduced in the first chapter because it gives us a little too much insight. In the first few chapters, we basically need to know: about your character's past, about your character's future and about the problem that they're facing in their lives. Right now all I know is one little snippet of the past and the problem. We need more information!

Quotes 'N' Comments

War of the Worlds, Harry Potter, inside my Head and iBoy were among those he had flipped through countless times.

So later you go on to talk about how it's the year 3000 something, I believe? Or you mention something happened that year, which means it's sometime after it, unless Oliver can actually travel in time or it was a typo. Anyways, what would make this statement interesting is if you said something like 'I like to read books of the past. They're more interesting than the book we have now.' Obviously Harry Potter is a current book, so we'll know right away that this is about the future.

Also, about the time thing. I don't really understand. You say that the father helped in the 2011 earth quake and the also helped out with something in the year 3000? So that means that in the span of a couple of years humans learn how to become immortal? It'd be awesome if you could explain this! Since you're creating a sort of new world with the powers you have to be sure not to leave too many things open or else we'll sit here wondering 'um, whaa!"

[quote]“Shut up feather brain.[quote]

xD So, it kind of seems like the kids are in a teenage-ish gang, where they hang out, act ghetto and stand on a corner for no reason whatsoever. Well, if so, you might want to make the insults sound a little less like 1st graders on the playground bickering, if you know what I mean. Just, maybe, add a bit of low-profile curse words in there to make them sound a bit more intimidating? But only if you're comfortable. I see you're not very old so that may not be best. Just make it sound a little more like they're trying to sound tough but really aren't coming off that way at all. Feather brain sounds like an insult Ron would use towards Malfoy, and Ron is a child at heart after all!

I think that's all I have to say on the subject! I think you should definitely go on. But remember that you wrote this as a short story, so you need to change it a bit if you change it to novel. If you decide to post more PM me and I can move this to novels for you and you can continue posting more installments there!
Keep writing,

Classy