Young Writers Society

The Sniper

Lying on the roof all was silent and all was dark; he could barely make out his surroundings in the blanket of thick black fog that surrounded him. He was uncomfortable sprawled on the concrete surface with not as much as a coat to cover him from the bitter cold.

Stretching, he yawned, covering his mouth with his hands and letting his eyes flutter closed. Boy, was he tired.
His stomach grumbled loudly. Clutching it, he tried to remember when he’d last eaten but the only thing that came to mind was the cigarette he had taken earlier on that day. Cursing himself silently, he vowed to eat something decent after he’d finished the job. The job.
Only a couple of meters away was the man, or the sniper, whom he would take the life of. It was against everything he had ever believed in. Taking a life was murder but under these conditions he had no choice. It was a matter of kill or be killed.

The war was ongoing, fickle. Bullets hailed the skies were peaceful rain once was, guns sat in the arms of young men where their children used to lie, cradled, sleeping. All the smiles had turned to sneers, trust was no more an option. It was an eye for an eye, a man for a man, a life for a life. It was a relentless battle where father would take up arms against son and brother against brother. It was inhuman to think of the lives being torn apart by hate.

Peering cautiously over the parapet roof, he caught a glimpse of light, only a flicker but enough to cause him to let his fingers brush over the trigger and release a bullet. The sound was deafening like an onslaught of vicious rolls of thunder. Clamping his trembling hands over his ears, he wondered about his aim. Had he finally committed his first murder? Cautiously, he slivered across the roof until he was completely shadowed by the chimney. Lifting himself up, he drew his eyes level with the safeguard. He managed to capture a glimpse of movement on the roof opposite to him. A wave of relief flooded through him. He had missed. Swearing lightly, he wondered if he’d ever get used to this murderous onrush of killings. Would he ever know of the adrenaline pulsing through his veins as his other comrades had? Pushing his thoughts aside, he thought of his younger brother. Would he believe him, if he ever got the chance to tell him about what he did? What he would do? He smiled fondly as he replayed memories of the better times, the times when it was easier, simpler.

Jumping slightly, he heard the roar of a car. It was painted black with night and the soft cough of the engine caused him to listen closely. He heard voices; curiously he risked a quick peek at the situation metres below him. He could just make out a small woman in a short, shaggy, shawl with bedraggled hair whispering quietly to someone in the turret of the car. Briskly she pointed at the opposite roof and waved frantically. The next thing, a loud bullet pierced the air and the man that once stood stiffly in the turret now lay sprawled over the hard, grey metal. His head detached from his body, lying spurting blood on the path below. The woman shrieked, letting out a pure, shrill cry of utter terror before she too fell, flailing into the gutter beside her comrade. He stared at the unraveling scene before him. The sniper on the roof a couple of metres away from his was silent.It all seemed to have happened so quick, so damn quick. Suddenly, he realised the grey car wasn't there. It must have sped away while it could, he thought to himself. Gone so quick, almost like watching a magician perform a trick; It was there one minute and gone the next.

Looking again at the mangled bodies below, he choked, gagging weakly. The enemy sniper, had just killed two innocent people. How could someone be so cold blooded? He felt his body stiffen in rage, The man deserved to die a merciless death. Gripping his revolver, he regained his position; he was in perfect shooting range. Before long, he heard the clatter of a gun fall heavily to the ground in the distance. In the blink of an eye, he let loose of the trigger, firing a hard bullet in the direction where he last saw the sniper. Hearing a satisfying yelp then the inaudible sounds of footsteps stumbling to stay up right. His arm shook violently from the recoil, gripping his arm tightly,his teeth began chattering from the severe dynamism of the shot. Tentatively he raised his head, searching the roof opposite to his. Squinting, he tried to see some sign of movement. Then he saw it. The man’s head, covered with a cap, draped gingerly over the embankment. Still trembling he lifted his gun and took aim. He shot once more to make sure he hit his target. He braced himself for the recoil but found that it wasn't as bad as the first.

The sniper’s cap fluttered to the ground, its silhouette visible against the western night’s sky. A hand,his enemy’s hand, dangled lifelessly over the edge. Suddenly overcome with compassion, he grasped the chimney to steady himself. His mind was going crazy. I’ve killed a man. The air was chillly against his skin, the cold nip in the wind like small ants eating into chunks of his skin. Bitten with remorse he stood up slowly, his hand it his matted hair, he decided to go and retrieve the body and bring it to a proper grave, whilst searching for the the remains of his enemy's body.
Suddenly, a shot of unimaginable pain fired through his stomach, He yelled out as the bullet made its exit. He looked up, his enemy was standing up, his hands over his head as if in triumph. He couldn't be sure but in the dim light of Dublins moon he thought he just looked into the face of his brother on the face of his enemy. Blood was pooling around his feet but he could no longer see a thing, all was blurry as he toppled slowly… slowly… to the ground below, to the rest of the victims the sniper had eliminated.

This version has been edited a couple of times and will continue to be edited until it finds perfection, or somewhere near there.

So, reviews are appreicated. Thank you.

CSI: YWS here to investigate!

So I saw this on the CSI page and decided to check it out. It was short, just like you said. Sweet? Not so much. Haha. First, let me get this from my system. You wrote this for English?My teacher would no way, no how let me half swear, mention cigarettes, or murder someone. Well, she might. Anyway, back to the actual piece. Reviews in red!

Lying on the roof all was silent and all was dark; he could barely make out his surroundings in the blanket of thick black fog that surrounded him. He was uncomfortable lying on the concrete surface with not as much as a coat to cover him from the bitter cold.

Stretching, he yawned, covering his mouth with his hands and letting his eyes flutter closed. Boy, was he tired. I know that this piece is in second person >?< but you made the stuff in italics seem like the man's thoughts. No one besides writer's think 'Boy was he tired.' I would try and rephrase that, it just bugged me.
His stomach grumbled loudly. Clutching it, he tried to remember when he’d last eaten but the only thing that came to mind was the cigarette he had taken earlier on that day. Cursing himself silently, he vowed to eat something decent after he’d finished the job. The job.
Only a couple of meters away was the man, or the sniper, whom he would take the life of. It was against everything he had ever believed in. Taking a life was murder but under these conditions he had no choice. It was a matter of kill or be killed.

Peering cautiously over the parapet roof, he caught a glimpse of light, only a flicker but enough to cause him to let his fingers brush over the trigger and release a bullet. The sound was deafening like an onslaught of vicious rolls of thunder.Great imagery! Clamping his trembling hands over his ears, he wondered about his aim. Had he finally committed his first murder? Cautiously, he slivered across the roof until he was completely shadowed by the chimney. Lifting himself up, he drew his eyes level with the safeguard. He managed to capture a glimpse of movement on the roof opposite to him. A wave of relief flooded through him. He had missed. Swearing lightly, he wondered if he’d ever get used to this murderous onrush of killings. Would he ever know of the adrenaline pulsing through his veins as his other comrades had? Pushing his thoughts aside, he thought of his younger brother. Would he believe him, if he ever got the chance to tell him about what he did? What he would do? He smiled fondly as he replayed memories of the better times, the times when it was easier, simpler.

Jumping slightly, he heard the roar of a car. It was painted black with night and the soft cough of the engine caused him to listen closely. He heard voices; curiously he risked a quick peek at the situation metres below him. He could just make out a small woman in a short, shaggy, shawl with bedraggled hair whispering quietly to someone in the turret of the car. Briskly she pointed at the opposite roof and waved frantically. The next thing, a loud bullet pierced the air and the man that once stood stiffly in the turret now lay sprawled over the hard, grey metal. His head detached from his body, lying spurting blood on the path below. These two sentences kind of just happen. The second sentance is a bit short, an add on off the first really. It tell's what the man looked like AFTER you just stated what happened. Do you see what I mean? I don't think you could attach it to the first but adding 'was' and 'and' might help ease the flow. The woman shrieked, letting out a pure, shrill cry of utter terror before she too fell, flailing into the gutter beside her comrade. He stared at the unravelling scene before him. It seemed to have happened so quick, so damn quick. Suddenly, he realised the grey car wasn't there. It must have sped away while it could, he thought to himself. Gone so quick, almost like watching a magician perform a trick; It was there one minute and gone the next. Did you mean to make this rhyme? It reminds me a bit of a nursery rhyme. I love that stuff, but if you didn't notice and don't like it here's your chance!

Looking again at the mangled bodies below, he choked, gagging weakly. The enemy sniper, Get rid of the comma! You don't pause after saying 'The enemy sniper'. had just killed two innocent people. How could someone be so cold blooded? He felt his body stiffen in rage, the man deserved to die a merciless death. Gripping his revolver, he regained his position-just beside the chimney;Not sure if this should be here. It feels awkward reading it. I think it might flow a little better without. in perfect shooting range. Before long, he heard the clatter of a gun fall heavily to the ground in the distance. In the blink of an eye, he let loose of the trigger, firing a hard bullet in the direction where he last saw the sniper. Hearing a satisfying yelp then the inaudible sounds of footsteps stumbling to stay up right. His arm shook violently from the recoil, gripping his arm tightly,his teeth began chattering from the severe dynamism of the shot. Tentatively he raised his head, searching the roof opposite to his. Squinting, he tried to see some sign of movement. Then he saw it. The man’s head, covered with a cap, draped gingerly over the embankment. Still trembling he lifted his gun and took aim. He shot once more to make sure he hit his target. He braced himself for the recoil but found that it wasn't as bad as the first.

The sniper’s cap flutters to the ground, its silhouette visible against the western night’s sky. A hand,his enemy’s hand, dangled lifelessly over the edge. Suddenly overcome with compassion, he grasped the chimney to steady himself. His mind was going crazy. I’ve killed a man. Out of respect he stood up slowly, deciding to go and gather the body and bring it to a proper grave, whilst searching for the the remains of his enemy's body. Suddenly, a shot of unimaginable pain fired through his stomach, He yells out as the bullet makes its exit. He looks up, his enemy is standing up, his hands over his head as if in triumph. He cannot be sure but in the dim light of Dublins moon he thinks he just looked into the face of his brother on the face of his enemy. Blood is pooling around his feet but he no longer can see a thing, all is blurry as he topples slowly… slowly… to the ground below, to the rest of the victims the sniper had eliminated.

~Overall~

Very dark, dark piece. Although you managed to pull war off well. It's a nice short piece. The tenses bothered me a little. At some points you used words like 'flutters' then used word's like 'choked', indicating past tense. It's very hard becuse both tenses fit in some places. I think you meant for it to be present, right? There were very few past, but I didn't correct them because I'm not really sure if they were supposed to be there or not! Anyway, thanks for letting me get some CSI points! Liked the piece! (Also clicked the prove it button!)

Hi there, again. Your writing style sounds so much like mine, I'm excited to read this. <3

The first thing that I noticed here is how often you use -ing verbs at the beginning of your sentences (and in your sentences as well). I do the exact same thing. This isn't technically a bad thing if you use it in moderation, but you seem to rely heavily on these phrases to give your sentences variety. For example:

Stretching, he yawned, covering his mouth with his hands and letting his eyes flutter closed.

Three times in one sentence! It's not a huge problem when done every once in a while, but sentences like these should be reworded.

Back to the beginning, now.

Lying on the roof all was silent and all was dark; he could barely make out his surroundings in the blanket of thick black fog that surrounded him. He was uncomfortable lying on the concrete surface with not as much as a coat to cover him from the bitter cold.

I would simply suggest using a different verb in the second sentence for some variety, because it sounds repetitive.

His stomach grumbled loudly.

I don't know how I feel about that sentence. I don't think the adverb 'loudly' does anything in the way of purpose, so you could definitely remove it. The fact that his the grumble was loud doesn't really affect the story, but perhaps I'm just being nit-picky.

Only a couple of meters away was the man, or the sniper, whom he would take the life of. It was against everything he had ever believed in. Taking a life was murder but under these conditions he had no choice. It was a matter of kill or be killed.

You can definitely remove 'the man' from that sentence, because you can simplify it as 'was the sniper'. Creating an awkward pause like that disrupts the reader's thought process.

Peering cautiously over the parapet roof, he caught a glimpse of light, only a flicker but enough to cause him to let his fingers brush over the trigger and release a bullet. The sound was deafening like an onslaught of vicious rolls of thunder. Clamping his trembling hands over his ears, he wondered about his aim. Had he finally committed his first murder? Cautiously, he slivered across the roof until he was completely shadowed by the chimney. Lifting himself up, he drew his eyes level with the safeguard. He managed to capture a glimpse of movement on the roof opposite to him. A wave of relief flooded through him. He had missed. Swearing lightly, he wondered if he’d ever get used to this murderous onrush of killings. Would he ever know of the adrenaline pulsing through his veins as his other comrades had? Pushing his thoughts aside, he thought of his younger brother. Would he believe him, if he ever got the chance to tell him about what he did? What he would do? He smiled fondly as he replayed memories of the better times, the times when it was easier, simpler.

I love the sentence where you describe the sound. Beautiful. This is also a fantastic paragraph; we get an awesome idea of his character here. However, I see some more of the -ing beginnings. You use them so much. I know that it's difficult when you're describing raw action, but it's sounding very odd.

Jumping slightly, he heard the roar of a car. It was painted black with night and the soft cough of the engine caused him to listen closely. He heard voices; curiously he risked a quick peek at the situation metres below him. He could just make out a small woman in a short, shaggy, shawl with bedraggled hair whispering quietly to someone in the turret of the car. Briskly she pointed at the opposite roof and waved frantically. The next thing, a loud bullet pierced the air and the man that once stood stiffly in the turret now lay sprawled over the hard, grey metal. His head detached from his body, lying spurting blood on the path below. The woman shrieked, letting out a pure, shrill cry of utter terror before she too fell, flailing into the gutter beside her comrade. He stared at the unravelling scene before him. It seemed to have happened so quick, so damn quick. Suddenly, he realised the grey car wasn't there. It must have sped away while it could, he thought to himself. Gone so quick, almost like watching a magician perform a trick; It was there one minute and gone the next.

• You don't need the comma after 'shaggy'
• 'Unravelling' is supposed to be spelled 'unraveling.'
• 'Lying spurting'? I'm assuming you meant to pick one of those two verbs.
• Pure, shrill? Adjective attack. D: You can probably remove both from that sentence, because they don't seem to fit. The sentence is more concise that way.
• 'The woman shrieked' is redundant when paired with 'letting out a cry of utter terror'. I would suggest rewording that sentence.
• 'Quickly' not 'quick'. Unless that was a specific word choice to establish voice. In that case, way to be.

The sniper’s cap flutters to the ground, its silhouette visible against the western night’s sky. A hand, his enemy’s hand, dangled lifelessly over the edge. Suddenly overcome with compassion, he grasped the chimney to steady himself. His mind was going crazy. I’ve killed a man. Out of respect he stood up slowly, deciding to go and gather the body and bring it to a proper grave, whilst searching for the the remains of his enemy's body. Suddenly, a shot of unimaginable pain fired through his stomach, He yells out as the bullet makes its exit.He looks up, his enemy is standing up, his hands over his head as if in triumph. He cannot be sure but in the dim light of Dublins moon he thinks he just looked into the face of his brother on the face of his enemy. Blood is pooling around his feet but he no longer can see a thing, all is blurry as he topples slowly… slowly… to the ground below, to the rest of the victims the sniper had eliminated.

• You switched from past tense to present tense in that first sentence, then you switched back again in the others. Big no-no.
• Remove 'A hand'. The pause interrupts the reader's thoughts.
• 'I've killed a man.' should be italicized, if it's a thought.
• You switched to present tense again.
• A period should go there, not a comma.

I love this story! It's exciting and the character is well-developed, and overall there are just ways that you need to improve upon grammar and flow. Thanks for letting me review. ^^

Hi there Kagi! Here to Bamboozle you, as requested.

First off, can I just give a little rant about non-story-related-text? Yes? Okay. I strongly dislike all that "I wrote this because of this or that" stuff that people put in the beginning of their posts. I find it really distracting, and detracting from the story. It makes it harder for me to read the story objectively, without thinking about the author. For novel chapters I can understand it, since you want to catch your readers up on anything they might have forgotten--but short stories should stand on their own. If you really must have all that as part of your post, I highly suggest you either put it in a spoiler or put it after the text of the story, or both. Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. Onto the review now. ^_^

I think there are some very powerful moments in this piece. A lot of your imagery is very strong emotionally. I think you worked the stream-of-consciousness format pretty well. Actually, my favorite part of this has to be the interjected thoughts--the "so damn quick"s and the "I've killed a man"s. They added real voice and strength to the piece. I might even suggest you add more of them, since they really bring the piece alive to me. I also think you've done a good job of painting a picture without making it specifically location- or time-specific. It almost feels like it could be any war scene, and the main character could be any young man, forced to be a soldier. Nice job.

You have gotten two excellent nit-picky reviews already, so I'm not going to focus on that part of the writing. But I have to ask: is there a reason the tense switches in the last paragraph? I know Liveinthelight brought this up too, and it might just be a mistake, but I think it deserves a mention since it got me scratching my head.

I think the main detraction in this piece for me was actually the formatting. The consistently long paragraphs make the whole thing come of as almost like an essay or an article--they make it feel dry and detached. Everything in a paragraph would blend together into one mush, which made it hard to follow the plot. But this is action! It needs to be punchy and exciting. I strongly suggest you break up your paragraphs. You can have some long ones during the reflective passages, but when there's action happening don't be afraid to have really short ones--even one or two sentences long. It will help convey what you're trying to say, like another level of punctuation.

I'd also suggest that you give a little better overall picture, since it took me a while to realize what kind of a situation the main character was in. At first I thought he was some kind of an assassin or something. I'd like to get a better sense of what his surroundings are like, and not just immediately around him, but also more removed--a general picture of the climate, the closeness, the terrain. If you expanded the opening (before the pace picks up) to include some more description, I think that would help the readers have a backdrop on which to imagine the rest of the story. And it wouldn't take much, either. A little could go a long way, methinks.

Anyhow, nice work! There's not much else I can say. I think with a bit of tweaking this could be a really powerful piece--you've got good clay here, now it's just up to you to mold and refine it. I hope I've helped give you an idea of some ways to go about doing that.

As always, please feel free to PM me or post on my wall with questions!

a

P.S. I'm adding a 12+ rating to this, because of the violence. Lemme know if you have any questions about that!

Thank you all for the reviews.

They've been very helpful and I appreciate the detail you put into them. I've made some changes, swapped some words and added in a paragraph at the beginning.

I'll leave a comment on you profiles with my questions as soon as I get the time. I'm not on my laptop at the minute.

Why, hello there.

Okay, so overall, I thought this was pretty good. You had some really good imagery in this short story and you managed to portray the MC's emotions well too. It was clear what he was feeling and when. When he was scared, we knew it, when he was angry, we knew it e.t.c. Your paragraphing seems to be good too. By the look of it, you had some trouble with this before, so I'm glad to say that all seems well now. I didn't notice any problems anyway. This is only a short piece, so I don't think I'll have an awful lot to say. I'll try my best to come up with some things though.

The main issue I'm having with this right now is that, to me, the piece almost feels a bit... empty, I guess. We're thrown into this situation we don't really know much about at all with this MC that we don't know much about either. All we really know about him is that he has a younger brother. I mean, is he fighting in a war? I assume so, but what war? In what time period is this set? Is it some kind of world war three thing? A battle in Afghanistan or Iraq? He clearly doesn't want to be doing what he's doing, so why is he doing it? For money? Or does he have no choice? I mean, who is he? I don't feel like I know him well enough to feel any kind of emotion towards him really. I guess I'd just like to know some more background information about him.

With some pieces, you can get away with giving the reader no background information, but I'm not sure it works here. If you literally just had a scene of the MC being in this battle, killing someone, then getting killed or whatever, I think it would be okay. The problem is the fact that you mention things like his brother. If you had no mention of his background at all, but just literally lived the story in the moment kind of thing, I don't think this would be bothering me. I mean, you mention his background with his brother and such, but that's about it. You mention the MC wondering what his brother would think of it all, but well, what's so great about his brother? Then you go on to mention something about him seeing his brother's face on his enemy as he's dying. Okay, well... why exactly? Why does he see his brother's face?

Naturally, I'd think that it was because his brother meant a lot to him, but the fact that it's on the face of his enemy... that's just killed him kind of gives me the wrong idea. It makes me think his brother was foul to him or something. If you'd done something like the MC saw his brother's face on some guy who'd come to help him, it would be better suited. Does that make any sense whatsoever? The fact that we don't really know much about the MC's background, including his brother, it's harder for us readers to grasp exactly what you were trying to portray when you mention things like that--why he saw his brother's face in his enemy. Or was it, quite literally, his brother that killed him. You never know! That's just one example, but do you see what I mean? Or am I making no sense whatsoever...?

This is a little hard for me to critique because the fact that I don't know much about the MC makes it a little hard for me to understand everything he does and why he does it. If you really don't want to, you don't have to tell us about his background. We don't have to know if he's from a poor background, what his family like is/was like, but I would like to know more about his brother because he was mentioned quite a few times. I'd also like to know about the situation he's in: what war he;s actually in and all that. You mentioned something about Dublin somewhere, so that kind of hinted at Ireland... Was this based during the Irish war of independence? Or does it have nothing to do with Dublin? Basically, I'm just a bit confused about the whole setting and general situation of this.

This could definitely do with some tweaking, but I think this definitely has the potential to be a really good, powerful piece of writing. You've got the food sorted out, and all you need now is the seasoning to give it that extra punch.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hello! Gheala here!

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Lying on the roof all was silent and all was dark; he could barely make out his surroundings in the blanket of thick black fog that surrounded him.

This is just me, but I thought that was too long for an opening line. It got my brow arching in confusion

He was uncomfortable sprawled on the concrete surface with not as much as a coat to cover him from the bitter cold.

Stretching, he yawned, covering his mouth with his hands and letting his eyes flutter closed. Boy, was he tired.

Hm... I think you should make those two lines together in one paragraph. Also, there is a lot of gerunds here and you could make it: "Stretching, he yawned and covered... before he let his eyes..." or whatever form you want.

His stomach grumbled loudly. Clutching it, he tried to remember when he’d last eaten but the only thing that came to mind was the cigarette he had taken earlier on that day. Cursing himself silently, he vowed to eat something decent after he’d finished the job. The job.

-Alrighty, I just noticed something. You use a lot of gerunds. By that, I mean that you start a lot of sentences with a gerund and it's in the previous paragraphs as well- not just this one. Try to change the style with every passing sentence. Once, start with a gerund, then start with a subject and verb and so on.

-One could say: "In the garden, he sat and stared at the sky." // "Sitting in the garden, he stared up at the sky" // "He sat in the garden and stared up at the sky".
-Dear God I know you already know that, but I was just making my point clear.

Only a couple of meters away was the man, or the sniper, whom he would take the life of. It was against everything he had ever believed in. Taking a life was murder but under these conditions he had no choice. It was a matter of kill or be killed.

Very nice. This is my favourite paragraph so far. It made me very interested to read more.

The war was ongoing, fickle. Bullets hailed the skies were peaceful rain once was, guns sat in the arms of young men where their children used to lie, cradled, sleeping. All the smiles had turned to sneers, trust was no more an option. It was an eye for an eye, a man for a man, a life for a life. It was a relentless battle where father would take up arms against son and brother against brother. It was inhuman to think of the lives being torn apart by hate.

God! Okay, I change my mind. This is my favourite paragraph. Very nice choice of words, indeed!

Lifting himself up, he drew his eyes level with the safeguard.

I think it would be better, if you make a new paragraph starting with that sentence. The paragraph was starting to get very long.

The next thing, a loud bullet pierced the air and the man that once stood stiffly in the turret now lay sprawled over the hard, grey metal.

i felt as though there was something missing here. Do you think there should a "was" after "The next thing"?

Gone so quick, almost like watching a magician perform a trick; It was there one minute and gone the next.

This is such a well-written sentence, I liked it. But it would read just perfectly when you scratch the last phrase there. So it would only be "Gone so quick, almost like watching a magician perform a trick." without the "It was there one minute and gone the next.

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Is there a need to tell you that you've done a very good job with that piece? No, there isn't because you must know already! This is amazing. Just try to practice the Gerunds remark I talked about and I think you'll be just fine.
You obviously are very good at delivering the movements and actions to your reader. Not everyone is capable of writing an action piece.
It was just amazing. Thank you for letting us read this.

Keep up, please!

Heya hi!

Just as a general impression review, I couldn't help but wonder why this guy is in this particular line of work. He obviously doesn't want to kill anyone and seems really emotionally torn up about the whole thing, even morally against it. Not to say that soldiers can't have emotions or think about what they are doing, but it seems like it would be a danger. I mean, he hasn't come to grips with the fact that he would have to kill someone? It seems like this is all very new to him, which makes me wonder how he became a sniper. As far as I know, it takes a lot of training to become a sniper and I'm sure a lot of that is psychological preparation for the act of killing someone.

That's not to say that your character can't be regretful about what his duty entails. This could very well be his first real attempt, but I imagine that he really would have some sort of understanding about what he would have to be doing. And, understanding that he is in a war zone, he should know so much better than to walk out in plain view when there is the enemy about. I mean, doing something like that, he was practically asking to get shot.

I don't mean to be cold, but stuff like this took the emotional impact out of it for me. I was left sort of wondering why this guy had done this stuff to himself. Maybe if I had a bit more background to his situation. Was he drafted? It would explain his reluctance and inexperience to be doing any of this. What time period is this supposed to be? How old is this guy? Given everything out of context like this, the reader is forced to sort of build up the history themselves and I was left sort of unimpressed with the guy, as opposed to really feeling his emotional turmoil.

I'd say give us a little more history for the sniper. You mention his brother. Why? Were they close? What would his brother say about this? Would he admire his older sibling for being a soldier, or would he hate him for killing a man? Is that important? Is that part of what is shaping the sniper's reluctance and thought process? If so, build on it a bit more.

What you have here is fairly solid writing and you have a sequence of events that work okay. It's the stuff around it, between the lines, that needs a bit more 'oomph'.

Good luck! Feel free to PM if you have any questions.

~GryphonFledgling

First, I'm not reading any of the other reviews posted. So this is coming from an entirely fresh perspective.

Second, this review is probably going to be posted in two parts, I think (but maybe not; we'll see). Two guesses as to why, and the first doesn't count.

Third, I'm going to come at this from the position of someone who, while maybe not *as* experienced as the experts, knows something of this field and has access to aforementioned experts. Where shooting is concerned, I mean. But that's just to augment the writing in the piece, so I'll tackle that first before getting to the things that really bugged me.

Also note: the "proposed changes" after my nitpicking are all worth a grain of salt. They're more a guideline so you can see a potential way to change the line; you don't have to copy/paste them into the piece, because then it would be my writing, not yours. And we just want to improve the writing, not change its flavor to something that is not yours.

Nitpicks
Basic changes to typos/etc will be in green. Suggested basic corrections for better flow/grammar in blue (unless otherwise specified).

Lying on the roof all was silent and all was dark; he could barely make out his surroundings in the blanket of thick black fog that surrounded him.

The first part of your sentence needs help. You have a really hard to find subject there, and the first clause ("Lying on the roof") at least needs a comma to separate it from the second ("all was silent"). But that's if you keep the thing, which is beside the point because it needs to be reworded entirely. Example: "All was silent and dark as he lay atop the roof". I'd also suggest, in revising it, to get rid of the semi-colon (;). It really isn't needed there and isn't serving its particular purpose very well anyway.

Proposed change: "All was silent and dark as he lay atop the roof. The soldier could barely make out his surroundings in the blanket of thick black fog that surrounded him."

He was uncomfortablly sprawled on the concrete surface with not as much as not even a coat to cover him from the bitter cold.

Stretching, he yawned, covering his mouth with his hands and letting his eyes flutter closed. Boy, was he tired.

I tend to frown when seeing "thought-italics" used on third-person phrases, especially colloquial (common) phrases like the one you've italicized. If you're trying to denote his thoughts, it should all be in first person (at least when talking about the MC, anyway), or rephrase in some way as to be consistent with the narration and forego all but the fewest italics (ie, to put emphasis on a particular word, not a whole phrase. But that's really, really a nitpick. ^^;). Also, the way you have it is so booooooring; I wanna yawn myself reading it. Let's make this a little more descriptive for the reader's sake, shall we? By, say, mentioning how long exactly he's been out here?--v

Proposed change: "He had been up here since sunset the day before--a full thirty-six hours--without a wink of sleep."

His stomach grumbled loudly. Clutching it, he tried to remember when he’d last eaten, but the only thing that came to mind was the cigarette he had taken had earlier on that day. Cursing himself silently, he vowed to eat something decent after he’d finished the job. The job.

When was the last time you actually clutched your belly when it growled at you? >> Moooost people either don't pay it all that must attention (aside from an irritated/amused glance or roll of the eyes), or rub it a little if they do anything at all. Although if you're *really* hungry, and it's starting to actually hurt, you would *definitely* be wanting to massage your stomach. Or just get something in it. That whole self-preservation thing, y'know?

Also. The italics in this case are okay, but I'd almost prefer putting it (the italicized phrase "the job") on a separate line to emphasize it instead of italics. This can be a bit of a stylistic difference/issue among writer's though, so take the suggestion as worth what it cost.

Proposed change: "His stomach growled in protest; apparently the [insert food/cigarette here] he'd had a few hours ago hadn't appeased it much. Muttering a choice curse, the man promised himself he'd put something decent in his belly once the job was done.

The job."

Only a couple of meters away was the man, or the sniper, whom he would take the life of. It was against everything he had ever believed in. Taking a life was murder but under these conditions he had no choice. It was a matter of kill or be killed.

OHkay. This is when we finally get the idea of what the conflict really is here. Aaaand to be honest, I was looking for something a lot more exciting than the philosophical ranting. >_> While that's all well and good (and probably the moral/point of the piece), it's rather thrown in our faces. Needless to say, us readers don't exactly appreciate that. To put it bluntly. And especially those with some experience or knowledge in this particular realm of action. I'll get to the specifics more in the last section, but for now I'll concentrate on the writing side of this.

I've highlighted the good parts of this paragraph in green and the iffy parts in blue. The red parts need to undergo drastic changes. Here's why:

-The good part, although a rather stock phrase in situations like this, has a dramatic ring and just makes this scene (potentially) that much more epic. It's something of a timeless phrase, but has to be used carefully. Your lead-up to it is what makes this epic or a flop. And...

The okay part could use some help to make that happen. You mention the sniper, and how far he is away (which, btw, I'm going to get to in the knowledge nitpick section), which is great. Your delivery of the line that introduces what the conflict between them is (ie, "whom he would take the life of"), though, is a little flat. (Proposed change: "Although he couldn't see him even from his vantage point, he knew the sniper who was his target sat somewhere out in the forest of buildings before him. Both waited for a moment to strike at the other, for one to slip and make the fatal mistake in this struggle.")

Although I've marked this part as being "bad", it's really not as bad as it looks at first glance. Done correctly, and linked with an opening similar to the lines I gave you in the "proposed change" above, it could really add to the drama of the piece. Instead of the "both waited for a moment to strike at the other" line, you could describe how nervous the soldier felt to be in this situation, potentially taking the life of another human being. But as it is now...yeah. Not inspiring sympathy or whatever you wanted in the reader for your MC.

The war was ongoing, fickle. Bullets hailed the skies where peaceful rain once was, guns sat in the arms of young men where their children used to lie, cradled, sleeping. All the smiles had turned to sneers, trust was no more an option. It was an eye for an eye, a man for a man, a life for a life. It was a relentless battle where father would take up arms against son and brother against brother. It was inhuman to think of the lives being torn apart by hate.

WhoawhoawhoawhoawhoaWHOA! Rewind. Is that an infodump I just got? O_o Yeah, okay, it's nice to know we're in a WAR here (uh, snipers. Duh? You rarely if ever get counter-sniper situations in a civilian population center, and even if this *were* that situation, your surroundings and the attitude of your MC declare otherwise), but at this point it's a little unnecessary. At least in the volume you have. Again, waxing philosophical is not bad (sometimes it's even epic *cough Ed Elric*cough*)...just, in the right time and place. Not here. Not only that, but you're confusing us as to exactly *what* kind of greater conflict this is; you make it sound like a civil war, but nowhere else is this mentioned until the end. My first instinct is to chop this, though you miiiight be able to reincorporate some of the ideas somewhere else in time, with a lot of work. Just...meh. Yeah. Kill eet. >_>

Peering cautiously over the parapet roof, he caught a glimpse of light, only a flicker but enough to cause him to let his fingers brush over the trigger and release a bullet. The sound was deafening like an onslaught of vicious rolls of thunder. Clamping his trembling hands over his ears, he wondered about his aim. Had he finally committed his first murder? Cautiously, he slivered across the roof until he was completely shadowed by the chimney. Lifting himself up, he drew his eyes level with the safeguard. He managed to capture a glimpse of movement on the roof opposite to him. A wave of relief flooded through him. He had missed. [I also suggest starting another paragraph here; IE, breaking this large one into two.] Swearing lightly, he wondered if he’d ever get used to this murderous onrush of killings. Would he ever know of the adrenaline pulsing through his veins as his other comrades had? Pushing his thoughts aside, he thought of his younger brother. Would he believe him, if he ever got the chance to tell him about what he did? What he would do? He smiled fondly as he replayed memories of the better times, the times when it was easier, simpler.

Green Stuff
"Slivered"="slithered"?
"Safeguard"="barrier"? "protection"? "wall"? "Safeguard" just doesn't make all that much sense here, in this context (though I know what meaning you were going for anyway).

Red Stuff
These last few lines are waaaaaay jumbled. You're all over the place. And while I understand this could be to reflect the racing, jumbled state of the MC's thoughts, there's a better way to go about it. You mention a "murderous onrush of killings", but we haven't seen any of them yet. They have nothing to do, really, with the conflict between the sniper and counter-sniper (if, indeed, that's really what our MC is, and not just another soldier. See the last section for more). Then you switch suddenly to thoughts of his brother. Where the heck did he come from, pardon my bluntness? He's striking me as a Morality Pet and nothing more--another excuse for your MC to wax philosophical in the middle of a life/death situation. (Not only that, the transition to that is contradictory: "Pushing his thoughts aside, he thought of his younger brother." Uh, what?) And then you go to "happy memories"! Yeahno. My brain=spinning. O_o All of this coming up in the course of the story is fine; just, not one sentence after the other, please.

Proposed change: ...Just rewrite the whole thing, keeping what I've said in mind.

1)Jumping slightly, he heard the roar of a car. 2)It was painted black with night and the soft cough of the engine caused him to listen closely. He heard voices; curiously he risked a quick peek at the situation metres below him. He could just make out a small woman in a short, shaggy, shawl with bedraggled hair whispering quietly to someone 3) in the turret of the car. Briskly she pointed at the opposite roof and waved frantically. The next thing, a loud bullet pierced the air and the man that once stood stiffly in the turret now lay sprawled over the hard, grey metal. 4) His head detached from his body, lying spurting blood on the path below. 5) The woman shrieked, letting out a pure, shrill cry of utter terror before she too fell, flailing into the gutter beside her comrade. 6) He stared at the unraveling scene before him. The sniper on the roof a couple of metres away from his was silent.[space]It all seemed to have happened so quick, so damn quick. 7) Suddenly, he realized the grey car wasn't there. It must have sped away while it could, he thought to himself. 8)Gone so quick, almost like watching a magician perform a trick; [c]i[/b]t was there one minute and gone the next.

...OHKAY. We started small, and now there are GINORMOUS paragraphs staring me in the face. O_o I'm going to break this down by the numbers I've added in above, 'kay?

1) The way you've written this, the MC is jumping before he hears the car. Um, no. "Hearing the roar of the car, MC jumped." And I wouldn't use "jumped", anyway; it conveys too much movement, and at this point, he should be trying *not* to move too much (he's under the gun, remember? other sniper dude?). I'd use flinch or "snapped his head around toward the direction from which it was coming." Or something similar. Get creative! There are *so* many ways to convey more than just what someone *did* in a motion. I can describe more than just someone walking; I can give that walk a personality and a history. Even basic movements like this can show if this guy's a real scared-y-cat or if he's had training to reduce the flinch.

2) "Painted black with night"? While it's not quite purple prose, it's...yeah. >> I appreciate the descriptive effort (the imagery could be beautiful, done right), but as it is it just ends up confusing. Especially because you actually describe the car as *gray* later on. (Proposed change: "The night was so black the car was a vague outline against the dark", or similar.)

Also in this sentence, you have the odd clause "the soft cough of the engine caused him to listen closely" (odd because of how it’s tacked on to the other part of the sentence). This confuses me; what's so special about the cough of the engine that makes him listen? I'd be curious in the first place to know what this car is doing here; hearing it just lets me know it *is* there, and maybe what kind of make it is (a military vehicle, a truck, an old car, and new, purring sports car?). Proposed change: rewrite depending on how the first clause is changed (you can even switch them around; as an example: "The soft cough of a car engine caught his attention; curiously he glanced over the top of the parapet down to the ground far below. A gray car, almost black in the darkness...[yattayattayatta]").

3) This is really where it helps to know what kind of car this is--because the only ones I can think of that have "turrets" are tanks and HUMVEEs. If this is a truck, you could use "cabin", or if it's a car, describe which seat the person being spoken to is sitting in (ie, "front passenger", "driver's side rear", etc).

4) I know bullets are pretty powerful, but I didn't think they could *totally decapitate* someone. O_o The most I've seen them do (second-hand, heh, heh ^^;;) is open a nasty hole in the trachea, blow someone's skull open (which would be totally plausible in this situation), or snap a neck. All of these could be what you mean in this scene...except the way you describe it leads me to believe this guy was decapitated, ie: you can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Not the typical gun wound.

5) The two clauses in this sentence are redundant. Given a choice between the two, I’d just chop the first and tweak the second as needed for flow. Like I said about about “describing more than just [action] in [the action]”, this sentence can be tweaked in the same way. Otherwise I like it; you really show, subtly, how she’s feeling pain, horror, and surprise at once, I think, with just a few words. (I’d also suggest starting a paragraph here, to break up this huge block of text.)

6) The way you phrase this makes me think there’s more action to come directly after “he watched the unraveling scene before him”, but it doesn’t come. Well, unless you count the car speeding off, but a) that’s a little disconnected due to the intervening sentences, and b) that would do better to go *before* where it is, because the driver is *bound* to be taking off when he hears those gunshots. *shrug* Just a preference, though; with just a little tweaking, it should be fine where it is.

7) A) “Suddenly”…eh. It’s a good transition word in a pinch (*raises hand* guilty >>). But I’m sure you can find something better for here (I also recommend putting another paragraph here, as that gives “suddenly” or whatever transition a stronger punch). Something like “The squeal of tires as the car sped off jolted MC’s attention from the dead bodies [yattayattayatta]”.

Eight) The first part of this sentence is a dependant clause, which immediately precludes the use of the semi-colon to connect the phrases you have. Put a subject in the first clause, and the rest should be fine.

Looking again at the mangled bodies below, he choked, gagging weakly. The enemy sniper, had just killed two innocent people. How could someone be so cold blooded? He felt his body stiffen in rage; the man deserved to die a merciless death. Gripping his revolver, he regained his position; he was in perfect shooting range. 1) Before long, he heard the clatter of a gun fall heavily to the ground in the distance. In the blink of an eye, he let loose of the trigger, firing a hard bullet in the direction where he last saw the sniper. Hearing a satisfying yelp then the inaudible sounds of footsteps stumbling to stay up right. His arm shook violently from the recoil, gripping his arm tightly,his teeth began chattering from the severe dynamism of the shot. Tentatively he raised his head, searching the roof opposite to his. Squinting, he tried to see some sign of movement. Then he saw it. The man’s head, covered with a cap, draped gingerly over the embankment. Still trembling he lifted his gun and took aim. He shot once more to make sure he hit his target. He braced himself for the recoil but found that it wasn't as bad as the first.

OHKAY hold it. You take TWO SENTENCES to go from a weak-stomached moral purist to a crazed madman on a Roaring Rampage of Revenge. Where and when did we hit the Berserk Button, again? Because I don’t see it. Your characterization, up to this point, makes us think he’s incapable of killing a *fly*, yet as soon as innocents appear and are killed, it’s like giving him an *excuse* to go psychopathic on the enemy sniper, righteous morals or not. Not only that, morals do not change this fast, even with a two-second epiphany. Even after one has an epiphany, they’ll be actively fighting against their old code as the new moral code works to become as ingrained as the old code was (think of it like quitting smoking or breaking other habits and forming new ones in their place; it’s a lot easier to form a habit than break one). But I’m not seeing the internal battle of morals that should occur at this point; you need a lot more struggle and a lot less Berserk.

1) This bothers me. Why did the enemy sniper not only *drop his weapon*—as it sounds like he did—but do *anything* in the first place that would make a loud enough sound to attract the MC’s attention? One of the foremost rules in sniping is NO NOISE. PERIOD. Hand signals are used for communication, and MAYBE whispers if the area is secure; radios are out of the question. They even learn to *move* as quietly as possible. Yet this guy just basically hung a sign out saying “Here I am!” Convenient that it should be just as the MC gets up the courage to kill the guy, hm?

1)The sniper’s cap fluttered to the ground, its silhouette visible against the western night’s sky. [color=blue]A hand,[space]his enemy’s hand, dangled lifelessly over the edge. 2) Suddenly overcome with compassion, he grasped the chimney to steady himself. His mind was going crazy. I’ve killed a man. The air was chillly against his skin, the cold nip in the wind like small ants eating into chunks of his skin. 3) Bitten with remorse he stood up slowly, his hand it his matted hair, he decided to go and retrieve the body and bring it to a proper grave, whilst searching for the the remains of his enemy's body.

[Blue=another way to edit: "A hand--his enemy's hand--dangled lifelessly over the edge."]

1) While this imagery is nice, it’s not realistic. Unless having his head blown open was what knocked the cap off, but it should have fallen a long time ago at this point *or* onto the roof the guy was killed on, not to the ground. And if you’re talking about patrol caps (ie soft caps, like the American military wear), it’s unlikely it would fall off except at extreme angles (as long as it’s fitted correctly). Eh. Dunno. I just don’t like it. It’s sacrificing realism for imagery.

2) Mood Whiplash, anyone? Goes hand-in-hand with my comment earlier about taking two sentences for the MC to become a homicidal maniac, except you go from showing no pity or remorse to specifically *stating* he was “overcome with compassion” this time. Neh. Two plus two does not five make. Again, changes do not occur this quickly unless it’s a really freak situation, especially when morals are thrown in the mix.

3) Snipers DON’T make mistakes like this (unless they want to get killed, or aren’t thinking, or are just plain stupid), even if they have direct contact with the body in order to take something necessary for their goal. Their top priority is to be sure the perimeter is secure, then be sure the target is neutralized and there are no other threats around before moving. And when moving, they do so carefully; in hostile territory, they have NO idea what’s around the next corner, or little information at all if they do, usually. (Not only that, this last sentence is riddled with run-on sentences and other grammatical errors similar to ones I’ve already pointed out.)

Also. Something else really confuses me. You describe a body at the start of the paragraph, then mention the MC is going to go bury said body, *while looking for the remains* of the sniper. O_o Two and two is not adding up here. There’s an extra body here (pardon the pun). And I guess we know where the other went to, but there is *no* mention of another *anywhere* in the piece. This is a huge inconsistency that cannot be overlooked (see the last section about sniper pairs so you know what I mean).

Suddenly, a shot of unimaginable pain fired through his stomach. He yelled out as the bullet made its exit. He looked up; his enemy was standing up, his hands over his head as if in triumph. He couldn't be sure but in the dim light of Dublins moon he thought he just looked into the face of his brother on the face of his enemy. Blood was pooling around his feet but he could no longer see a thing, all was blurry as he toppled slowly… slowly… to the ground below, to the rest of the victims the sniper had eliminated.

And this is where the reader goes “Say WHAAAA? O_o”. This come out of *nowhere*. And while I’m sure that’s what you and the guy intended, we have no hint that anything went wrong, nor does the MC hear the guy come up on his six. If MC is supposed to be a sniper like we’re assuming, he should not make the mistake of leaving his six open. He also should have known if there was a second guy coming to kill him.

Sniper ranting aside, the ending is blah for what it could be. There’s no epic phase-out from the MC’s pov, no description of the man who killed him aside from he *thought* he “looked into the face of his brother on the face of his enemy” (also, if you intend this to actually *be* his brother, the wording is too vague to make that readily apparent), no slow slump to the ground, no bleed-out (which is what, ultimately, he’s likely to die from).

Speaking of dying from bleeding out! If I were given the opportunity to take out an enemy like this guy did with the MC, I would have shot him in the base of the neck or the temple. He’s *wide open*, and he shoots him in the *stomach*? That’s far from a guaranteed kill, and probably not a shot a sniper’s going to take when presented with the situation—and shot—he has.

The ending phrase is also kinda bleh. But I'm not going to get into it; this is long enough as it is. @_@

Background

First off, I want to know where the heck we are. You wait until the VERY END to give us even a HINT of where the MC and his enemy are—Dublin? What? Are you serious? This historic/real-life location brings up a billion questions: what time period, who is involved, why they are fighting in Dublin, and why MC is there, yet there’s no other sign of military activity in a theoretical war-zone. Not only that, but is this *supposed* to be a historic piece (in which case PLEASE do the research, to be sure it’s all historically correct [not necessarily the incident, but the place and situation/war status]), or is it like an “alternate reality”/“in the future” fictional war? Clearing that up will go a long way toward giving this piece some credibility.

Your MC

Can we please have a name for this guy? “He” is so impersonal, which makes it a lot harder for the reader to connect with him. Not only that, we don’t really know what this guy *looks* like, which is as easy as adding description to movements (examples: “eyelids slid closed over [color] eyes”, “ran a hand over short-cropped [color] hair”, etc). Also, "he did this and the sniper did this and he did this" gets confusing after a while, when you can't tell which "he" you're referring to (and when they’re both also snipers, as the case seems to be). It's also a bit redundant using “he” all the time.

As for your characterization: it’s all over the place. Remember the Berserk Button I mentioned? Because you don’t give a strong justification for why he suddenly threw out his moral code (and then gained it back), this person seems flat and at the whims of the author (which he is). (My brain is about mush right now, so I’m going to stop there with this point).

And then the brother; I’ll touch on that for just a second. You could do *so* much with this, but you don’t. He only gets a few passing mentions, and, like the car’s passengers/the lady that get shot, he ends up being a springboard for the MC to wax philosophical about how he shouldn’t kill this sniper. It’s all well and good that he’s got the thought of his brother to be able to hold onto his sanity; but the way it’s done here doesn’t really bring out the moral undertones that could/should be here. It’s go so much potential, but instead it’s thrown in our faces and we’re told to accept it, instead of listening to the MC muse to himself and gradually coming around to the same point of view. The way you have it now, there’s no time or path for us to follow to be able to sympathize with this character (the MC, and even the brother to some degree).

Military Training/Strategy

First, I want to address your MC’s military background. We currently know little to nothing about it; the most I can glean is that he’s some sort of soldier, maybe a mercenary, on a counter-sniper mission. But *why* he was chosen boggles my mind. He doesn’t seem like the hard-core, duty-bound, determined, trained sniper most soldiers who go on such missions are. I’m thinking Hitchcock (White Feather) from Vietnam. That guy was one tough sniper. No one else would dare go against the enemy sniper he took out. Because *they* didn’t have the training, experience and guts he did. The only option for your MC that I can see is he *chose* to go on this, or volunteered. Or he’s a rogue. But again, your characterization doesn’t support that. From what I can tell, he’s a frightened draftee more afraid of what his superiors can do to him than what the blood on his soul will do to his perceptions.

Either way, your MC does NOT strike me as a sniper. Examples of what he does wrong: goes out in the field with little to no gear or food (but he somehow has a cigarette?); lets himself give in to exhaustion, even a little (the “eyes fluttering closed” earlier imply he feels somewhat secure, because it’s voluntary); fires off a shot in the dark just because his quarry moves; peeks his head over the parapet; moves too much; uses a REVOLVER, of all things, for his “takedown” (which will be discussed by itself shortly); assumed his quarry was dead; not watching his six (his back); and not bringing a spotter along. Either this guy has little to no training, is an imbecile, or he has a death wish. That, and he has no discipline (as evidenced by shooting at the first hint of activity by his quarry). Not only that, but his *superiors* must either be idiots, or want to get him out of the way more than they want the other, more-dangerous sniper gone.

None of this points to military training he theoretically should have.

Now, your descriptions of the action: first, you have the snipers pitted only *meters* from each other. NO! No sane sniper worth his salt is going to let another sniper within his AO (area of operations). The minimum I’d expect from a sniper, in a counter-sniper scenario, is fifty meters. And that if in close quarters and the sneak is a REALLY, REALLY good sneak and the sniper lets his guard down (although a good sniper will carry back-up measures in the case of a close-quarters encounter). Ideally, snipers are at LEAST 100 meters apart. Usually when you talk about encounters like this, it’s more like half a mile or a full mile, PLUS. For example: You mention these two as being on top of buildings. If so, they’ll likely be across the *city* from each other, and trying to stake the highest point in the city as their hide. Whoever gets that, pretty much, wins, unless the other sniper is skilled enough to realize where the first is and how they’re positioned, and gets lucky in that the first sticks his head out or makes another fatal mistake before he can peg the one moving around/in lower terrain than him. But your location is going to be the deciding factor, there—whether the guy has cover or concealment (yes there’s a difference), what he’s wearing so as to camouflage best in more open terrain (ie, less cover),

Another point to address: weaponry and gear. You mention the guy as having a[ny, random] gun, and a revolver. Not sure if they’re supposed to be the same weapon or not, but no sniper I know of carries a *revolver* as his side arm, let ALONE his primary weapon. They just don’t pack the ammo- and rapid-fire capacity of a semi-auto (like a Colt .45 or a Beretta, for example, just to throw some names out there). Not only that, but his primary weapon is going to be a large-caliber rifle (.50 cal is common), probably with a barrel around 20 inches (24.5cm?) long depending on the area they’re working in (longer=more accuracy, shorter=easier to carry in close quarters). AND he probably has a partner, known as a spotter—someone to watch his back, calculate distance and wind speed (at range, it has an enormous effect on a bullet’s trajectory), and help carry gear. This spotter will also have weapons of his own—likely a weapon as powerful or close to as the primary sniper, just in case.

In addition to carrying ammo, weapons, and other gun-related gear, they’re bound to have a first aid kid, rations (all-important FOOD), and extra clothes (ponchos, hats, gloves, socks, maybe extra ghillie suits/pieces if they’re in a suitable environment). Snipers are bound to be out in the field for days at a time; they’re not going to get two hours out into a target zone just to hit noon and go, “Oh, it’s chow time back at the mess hall. Sorry, boys, gotta pack it up and head back for lunch! BBL!” But they also have to be able to carry everything they bring with them without it majorly hindering their operations.

Other

Ohkay. I want to get to that car and its victims. I already mentioned the “turret” issue, so I won’t discuss that here. I want to discuss the “civilian casualty” aspect—or, casualties in general, because we don’t know if they’re military or civilian (though the lady is rather obviously civilian). First, military convoys aren’t likely to stop like that unless that was their destination in the first place (some exceptions being in the fighting in Mogadishu, Somalia, but that was a bit of a special case). Second, I doubt any civilians would be out at this time. And if that woman was trying to warn them there was a sniper on the roof, you’d think she’d have *called* the military, not flagged down some random vehicle. Although sometimes people can be stupid and just go running out in the street saying “There’s a sniper out!!”, which gets more people killed. But that’s not the issue here. What really bugs me is you seem to be using these people simply to give the MC a reason to kill the other sniper, who he’s supposed to kill in the first place. They seem to have no other purpose, and a poorly-executed one at that.

I was also going to go over how soliders generally do not wax philosophical in battle (they're too busy preserving their hides and those of their buddies to have excess room for non-battle/survival-related thoughts), but I think I’ve beat this enough. Overall, I think this piece is an attempt at writing in a field for which you Did Not Do the Research, but which has a LOT of potential.

I hope this (boatload) of information helps you in your rewrite and future endeavors into this matter. If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to PM me or write on my wall! ^^

~Glad

Holy mother of harry Potter, Glad, that review was amazing!

That being said! Wow lol

Kagi, here for a review!

I have to agree with Zila who said your piece was strong emotionally. Nicely done. Many sentences jumped out at me, very nice flow and perfectly done visually.

But I also have to agree with Skins for many things. Your mc? He bothered me. He was inconsistent.

Who was he before this started? I get he doesn't want to fire the gun and shoot someone, but I don't feel him that bothered by it. I mean, if this is war, who cares if the sniper jsut killed those two pedestrians? Why does your MC suddenly take offense?

And why, if the gunshot was that loud and the Snipe realised there was someone, was he not covering himself better? It would be my first instinct, yet I know nothing about war and battle strategies.

I really find your MC inconsistent. One moment his pensive and cold, the next hungry, the next scared, the next smiling over some thought. The next, he's a deadly killer with a mission. I mean, what? Who? Because this is so short, we don't get a complete sense of who and what he is and what's happening.

I think this has great potential, and if you can afford to lenghten it a bit, I suggest you do. If not, it's still a pretty good piece.

Thanks for the request!

Tanya

And this what happens when you review something in a short delay.

Hello Kagi!

I skimmed some reviews and thought they have pretty much beat me to it. Well, I didn't really read everything so I hope my this wouldn't be repetitive.

First of all, this has potential. You almost had it but it lacked some realistic point of views. We need more development especially from your main character. I liked the way you have written the ending, but then again, there were some instances wherein I've stumbled upon on something awkward and hard to comprehend. And yes, you got to introduce your character to us. We need more of his personality, background and the root cause of this "shooting" situation. Why did he has to kill? You have actually failed getting all the informations, so that was probably one of the reasons why I got confused a lot throughout this piece.

I'm not really going to claim that this is a story, rather a scene. You need to build more the atmosphere, the scene. Okay, I understand that he has no name, but it tends to confuse me a lot of who's who and not. Like you have used a lot of "he" which paused me to think if you're referring to your MC or the enemy. And what is with his brother? You haven't actually supported any informations that could make us understand a tad of the situation here. And if he was going to bury the "so-called "dead" body, couldn't he at least looked at the face? The way you have portrayed the actions were good, but just needed to specify it more.

Grammar wise, I think you're really improving. However, you need to reread this and be cautious of every words you placed here. Some words just didn't make sense with some other phrases that it came a little bit off. Well, let's consider English isn't your first language. Okay but if it is your primary language... well... *sighs* Practice, aye? ^^

Looking overall, I think the guy seemed to be in his first year of experience at shooting at someone, as based on this personal thoughts and emotions, but you need to let that info be lifted up. A rookie, perhaps? If so, state it on the piece. Let us know some of his personal background and the reason of why he has became a sniper. And about the enemy, was it a terrorist? A wanted criminal? ^^

I have to be pretty honest, this story was kind of blurry to read. So try turning on the windshield, Kagi.


Keep writing,
Yuri

I'm not trying to bash on this story or anything, but this sounds exactly like a story I read out of my English book. It was titled The Sniper, by Liam O'Flaherty. But overall I did enjoy the story.

Keep Writing!!

--Jalmoc

Like Jalmoc said, I have read this story in my Enlish Book. Me and Jalmoc are in the same class and we had to read this story the first week school was back. Other then that, keep writing and have fun.

Thanks for all the reviews guys. I'm working on it, slowly.

Slllooooooowly

I like the anonymity of the characters, slightly universal, the one mistake here would be mentioning Dublin at the end, I think with the people, and the place being unspecified, then you retain more universality, and that makes the story even more powerful...especially when you pair that with the powerful emotions the sniper is feeling, it makes for a good suspensful, articulate, one two punch. There were a few little mistakes with spelling or wording, but nothing you won't catch as you continue to revise it

this for english, you are a madman!