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Ties And Nooses



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Mon May 23, 2011 10:02 pm
WaitingForLife says...



Another one of my random stories which might some day be extended into something larger. Sorry, guys haven't really been in the mood for writing at all lately, hence the lack of submissions. We'll see if the summer holiday would bring around some inspiration. Fingers crossed and do enjoy this one!

Spoiler! :
I have actually continued this, here's chapter 1: topic87450.html

--------

Mr. Floss was feeling happy. Euphoric would be the best word to describe his state of mind. He stepped lively on the browning grass, his polished black shoes making small thumps on impact. Mr. Floss wore his bowler hat at a jaunty angle and was currently whistling a tune somewhat resembling ”Spring” from Vivaldi's Four Seasons. His step seemed to bob up and down, but that was due to the slightly too short cane he insisted on carrying around. There is an actual reason for this peculiar mannerism, but that isn't relevant at the moment, so we'll get back to it another time.

The reason for his unnatural happiness was the feeling of the newly tailored tuxedo caressing his plump body. The only thing Mr. Floss liked more than work was tuxedos. This one was a metallic gray and he believed it accentuated the steeliness of his eyes. In reality, that wasn't the case, as there was nothing steely about Mr. Floss' eyes, but he didn't know that. He thought he cut quite a flattering figure with his considerable height of 5 feet and half an inch (and I wouldn't forget that half-inch, mind you). Mr. Floss chose to wear his eyes half-way in his skull, so that they seemed tiny and beady, but they of course weren't tiny nor beady at all, he would tell you with a conspiratol wink.

Mr. Floss made a very content sound in his throat as he reached the side-walk and the soles of his shoes clacked on the granite. He liked how everyone could hear him walking and how they would turn their heads to admire his gait. He would always be extremely gracious and tip his hat at everyone, wishing them a ”most excellent sun-turn”, which he found most witty. He would then flash them a beguiling smile of tombstone teeth and stroll on.

It was currently extremely late at night, so there was no-one to watch him walk. Mr. Floss shrugged it off as a neccesity; his working hours were better conducted in the cloak of night. For he was indeed currently in the state of working.

Mr. Floss accompanied the clear notes of ”Spring” with waves of his finger. Now, one might be confused as to why they were clear notes, if one looks back and sees them referred to as ”somewhat resembling” the actual tune before. The reason to this is a simple fact. This fact happens to be that it was actually Mr. Floss who composed the song, and he gave the idea to Vivaldi. Vivaldi changed a few notes here and there, but Mr. Floss would have none of that in his own whistlings.

As it was now the 21st century, it becomes quite clear to one how old Mr. Floss in truth is. Or so one would think. It is with great relish that Mr. Floss would confide to you that he was most probably planted long before your family tree. This too, he would find extremely witty and would then grin at your disbelieving stare. Mr. Floss loves his dramatics.

But yes, Mr. Floss was working at this very moment. Believe it or not, he was actually getting paid by the minute, which is why he took his time admiring the bushy trees and the blocky houses with their blocky windows. He very much enjoyed watching the progress of humans. He admired the little critters with their candle-lives and how much they could illuminate in that short span they called life. Mr. Floss flashed his white, white teeth in a humangous smile. Yes, he enjoyed doing business with them. They made him feel all giddy inside. Fuzzy, too, never forget fuzzy.

”Ah, here we are.”

Mr. Floss clicked his heels together as he turned to face the door of a gritty, one-storey motel. Howls of laughter and the clinks of glass on table leaked out from underneath the doorframe. Someone was playing an improvised tune on a piano; Mr. Floss speculated that the player had to be standing on his head and playing with his buttocks. The address bar on the door had at some point in time read 'Toadstool 3' and if he remembered correctly, which he always did, that was the address he was supposed to go knocking on. So, he proceeded to do just that; he knocked on the door, a rythmical ra-ta-ta-tat-tat. The merry sounds dimmed in a flash and Mr. Floss sighed – they always seemed to do that.

”Who's thaar?” The rough voice was none too pleasant and the buzz of alcohol rounded the edges of the words.

”Well, I am me. And me is I. But I can't be two things at once, so you may call me Mr. Nobody, please.” Mr. Floss chuckled.

A bloodshot eye looked through the peephole at Mr. Floss.

”You look like one o'dem cops, ya do. Are you one o'dem coppers?” the yellowish eye drawled drunkenly.

Mr. Floss gave him a dazzling smile ”I am by no means an agent of the law. One might even say I work above the law – or under it really. Depends on the perspective I guess.” He stroked his bald chin in thought. ” Depends on where you would expect the law to be in the first place. Hmm... Well, let's just say I move around the law like one would move around a worn pair of trousers. With a wide girth and a long stick to make sure it stays where it is. But do let me introduce myself. I shall stick with the name 'Mr. Nobody', as I've grown attached to it during these last few minutes. And who might you be, good sir?”

The eye regarded him critically for a few moments. Then the wielder of the eye gave out a great guaff of laughter. ”With words so pretty, ya can't be with the law. Yer looks speak of profitable business, so why are you pounding on m'door at this here hour?”

”It's a funny coincidence that you mention business, as I have been assigned a contract regarding this address – this is Toadstool 3, correct?” At the affirmative grunt, Mr. Floss continued. ”I've been hired by a person who sympathises with the rotten conditions of this household. He has told me to clean this shack up and clean it I will. Would you be as kind as to let me in so I may begin immediately?”

Silence loomed. Mr. Floss heard a whispered conversation. Well, he was in no real hurry. He picked up the tune of ”Spring” again and hummed it under his breath, rocking on his heels, while shifting his cane to his left hand. Heavy footsteps stomped on the old floor of the motel and the sound of a lock being unlocked snapped Mr. Floss out of his reverie. The old hinges groaned in protest as the door swung open.

In the doorway stood the biggest goblin Mr. Floss had ever seen. Its huge, yellow eyes regarded him warily as fists the size of tires stood at the ready. If you know nothing about goblins, you most probably missed the pun there. You see, goblins are built oddly. They have big arms and tiny feet, so they walk on their hands and use their feet as stubby equivalents of hands. Everything seems topsy-turvey with them. They come in a variety of colors, and Mr. Floss was quite sure it depended on the type of metal they ate. This one was a mix of indian red and dark purple, not very charming to the eye. The tip of the hollow horn on its head had broken away in some brawl, and the paralyzing venom in it was dripping out freely.

”Don't we look just lovely this fine evening. Please, feel no need to escort me in.”

Mr. Floss stepped past the burly creature that stood two heads taller than him and into the dimly lit entry hall.

”I really am enjoying the whole haunted mansion look you've going on in here, don't get me wrong. But I do believe it could use a little color. Don't you think so too? Oh, splendid. You've already gotten to the core of the problem. I do always appreciate a lad who takes the initiative. Ah, good old blood-red, one has to respect the classics.”

As Mr. Floss was happily rambling on, the goblin was busy staring down at his abdomen, dumbstruck. He was pretty sure that all the things spilling out of it were supposed to stay on the inside, but there they were, snaking out of his stomach and splattering onto the dusty planks. He looked up at the stubby little man and realized he had collapsed onto the floor. The little thing was pattering on about the best contrasts with the color red and was coming to the conclusion that black was just fine, while wiping blood off a cane-sword. Tommy, the notorious goblin leader, poked his spilled guts for the last time and left this world behind.

The pyre was blazing wildly. The flames jumped and leaped and twirled in a dance of ecstacy, a dance of graceful courtship. They peeked into the shiny metal just at it snapped away from sight, once more concealed in the polymer cane. Mr. Floss shifted his weight luxuriously onto the cane and breathed in the fresh night air. The fire crackled and spat behind him, warming his back oh-so-lovingly. All good things have to come to an end though, so even the roaring fire calmed down to a shiver and Mr. Floss was forced to continue on his way. A fat paycheck was awaiting him at the rendezvous point and he knew just what he'd get with it. Mr. Floss smiled in a very glee manner; who said a hired killer had no feelings? His shoes clacked on the sidewalk as he strolled away from the bones of Toadstool 3.
Last edited by WaitingForLife on Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
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Tue May 24, 2011 6:18 am
ShakespeareWallah says...



a really good story. Everything was perfect.
  





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Tue May 24, 2011 7:46 am
Nyx says...



Hey there,

Don't have much time, but let me say wow! :)
I love this, it's creative and makes you want to read more. I love Mr. Floss. (The way he talks has to be my favorite) :) He is just one of those characters i have to love; even if he is a killer. The descriptions through out the story are good, and i really see the scene you are setting.
Overall love the story and can't wait to read more of your work :)
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:10 pm
Charlie II says...



Hello WaitingForLife -- here we go, I guess:

Originality

I'd like to start by saying I *love* your unique goblins. In fact there's a lot about this piece which is fantastically original which is really good to engage the reader and create a fulfilling story. I like the clever touches of how Mr Floss knew Vivaldi and how you've wrapped him into history in general -- this makes him a great character and I can't help liking him even though he just killed a goblin in cold blood!

Narration

I also like your style of narration here, though I do have some criticisms to make.

There is an actual reason for this peculiar mannerism, but that isn't relevant at the moment, so we'll get back to it another time.

This direct address to the reader is kind of awkward, and the trouble with switching from description to an address is that the tenses of the piece tend to get confused. i.e. You use "we'll" and then slip back into past tense immediately afterwards which doesn't really seem natural to me.

Another danger of this type of narration is that it can lead to more telling than showing. You seem to have handled this pretty well, but I think it would be worth checking through to see if you couldn't bring some of the information the narrator tells us about Mr Floss and have your character display it through his actions instead.

Finally, the first half of the last paragraph is just a bundle of confusion to me. It seems like, suddenly, the witty narrator has decided to go 'all poetic' and the reader is hit with a bewildering description of goodness-knows-what. I think it would work better if it was clearer, just as you were writing before.

Conflict

I know this is posted in short stories, but this piece should be going somewhere. You've started to create a world with goblins and intrigue and a mysterious hired killer -- I think this needs an overarching plot so this isn't wasted.

At the moment, obviously, it feels finished at the end because the main conflict is resolved. But, as there has only really been one conflict -- one that was solved very quickly -- it just isn't satisfying for the reader. Usually stories will have things getting worse and worse until it's all resolved at the end, but as this story doesn't have much conflict (yet!) it falls flat.

And again, sorry to go on about it, it was so easy for Mr Floss to kill the goblin that it didn't feel like much of a conflict at all. I know he's meant to be an incredibly powerful character, but it would have been nice to see him fight against more resistance than that.

Overall

I think this piece has got real potential, and as a writer you've got a lot of skill. Your imagination is great if you've been able to come up with such original characters and monsters, and the narration (though it could do with tidying up) is engaging and strong-voiced. Please come back to this piece some time and see what you can rework it into -- I look forward to seeing it then!


Charlie
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
-- Woody Allen
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 6:50 pm
Cspr says...



First off, love the description. It was done in a very lovely way and each time it was like a picture flash in my head. Using adjective phrases as well as adjectives might be good, but, all in all, I quite loved it.

I also quite liked the twist ending.

So, good show and hope to see more from you soon!

(The title, I assume, is a reference to a businessman and a way of killing--which would work in your story context? -is curious-)

EDITS:

It's basically every time, so I'll just say this--please do not only use end quotations for all your quotes. It looks odd. I'm not exactly sure how you did it, either. Maybe your keyboard or Word Processor doesn't do it right, or you're not American or from the UK?

There's also this here: ” Depends on where you would expect the law to be in the first place. Hmm... Well, let's just say I move around the law like one would move around a worn pair of trousers. With a wide girth and a long stick to make sure it stays where it is. But do let me introduce myself. I shall stick with the name 'Mr. Nobody', as I've grown attached to it during these last few minutes. And who might you be, good sir?”

Should be: "Depends on where you would expect the law to be in the first place. Hmm... Well, let's just say I move around the law like one would move around a worn pair of trousers. With a wide girth and a long stick to make sure it stays where it is. But do let me introduce myself. I shall stick with the name 'Mr. Nobody', as I've grown attached to it during these last few minutes. And who might you be, good sir?”

Also, you put apostrophes around Toadstool 3 at one time. I'm not sure if that is correct, but it looked mildly awkward. Maybe look into that?
My SPD senses are tingling.
  





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Wed Oct 19, 2011 11:51 pm
Woot says...



The rather glib narration style you have for this piece works. The contrast of the jolly, witty, Englishmen and the hired killer is a nice touch. However, I think you may be trying to hard. At times, some of Mr. Floss's actions and the vocabulary you employ just sounds a little forced. It felt like you were screaming, "See! Look how Jolly and Witty this man is! Just look! See!" It just came off as artificial in places, and ultimately that is my major grip with this piece.

However, I think your writing is strong, certainly when compared to some of the other writing I have seen on this site. As a person who has always wanted to write a story from the point of view of a villain, I have a certain fondness for the subject matter. Overall, I think you handled the villain very well, and in places your characterization of Mr. Floss is excellent.

My major suggestion is to make certain elements of your piece less obvious. Let your story speak for itself, you don't need to explicitly state everything you want your reader to glean from the piece. Readers are smart, and your writing is strong enough that your point will come across nonetheless. Your piece will be much stronger if you omit some of the more blatant statements.

Moving on to style. Now, I could gush about how this is stylistically really sound and how much I like some of this and some of that, but I won't do that. I just wanted to make clear that just because I am putting emphasis on what I perceived as weaknesses does not mean that I do not like the piece. Now down to the nitty-gritty of it, I do not like your direct addresses to the reader. Every time, they jolted me out of your story, and they came off as condescending. Other than that, you were a tad wordy in places. If or when you rewrite this, I would suggest you print it out and do one read through, just focusing on reducing word count. You might be surprised at how much you will be able to cut while still maintaining the integrity of the piece.

Nitpicks, Examples, and Such:
Spoiler! :
His step seemed to bob up and down, but that was due to the slightly too short cane he insisted on carryingaround. There is an actual reason for this peculiar mannerism, but that isn't relevant at the moment, so we'll get back to it another time.

Just an idea of how you might be able to cut down on some of the wordiness. I might omit the second sentence because I do not think it adds much to your story, including it's tone, and it's one of those jolting direct addresses. Also, the fact that there is a reason for his peculiar mannerism is implied well enough. Adding the second sentence makes everything a little to obvious, like your saying "Remember this reader! This will be important later on!" And I definitely think you have the skill to be a little more subtle than that.

Mr. Floss accompanied the clear notes of ”Spring” with waves of his finger. Now, one might be confused as to why they were clear notes, if one looks back and sees them referred to as ”somewhat resembling” the actual tune before. The reason to this is a simple fact. This fact happens to be that it was actually Mr. Floss who composed the song, and he gave the idea to Vivaldi. Vivaldi changed a few notes here and there, but Mr. Floss would have none of that in his own whistlings.

This bit is rather wordy and vague. What do you mean by clear notes? I can whistle a tune badly, but the notes I whistle are still clear. Also, the reference to an earlier sentence is awkward, and jarring because it is a reminder that we are in fact reading a story. Also, I might avoid the use of the pronoun one as much as possible, it can come off awkward. But that might just be personal taste.


As it was now the 21st century, it becomes quite clear to one how old Mr. Floss in truth is. Or so one would think. It is with great relish that Mr. Floss would confide to you that he was most probably planted long before your family tree. This too, he would find extremely witty and would then grin at your disbelieving stare. Mr. Floss loves his dramatics.

In the preceding paragraph, you mentioned that Mr. Floss had written "Spring" prior to Vivaldi. From this information we can imply that Mr. Floss is old, and not in the human sense of the word either. That makes this paragraph redundant. Have faith that your reader can put together the pieces, you don't have to spell everything out for us.

and if he remembered correctly, which he always did, that was the address he was supposed to go knocking on. So, he proceeded to do just that; he knocked on the door, a rythmical ra-ta-ta-tat-tat.

Wordy and redundant, I might revise this a bit.

and the sound of a lock being unlocked snapped Mr. Floss out of his reverie


As Mr. Floss was happily rambling on, the goblin was busy staring down at his abdomen, dumbstruck. He was pretty sure that all the things spilling out of it were supposed to stay on the inside, but there they were, snaking out of his stomach and splattering onto the dusty planks. He looked up at the stubby little man and realized he had collapsed onto the floor. The little thing was pattering on about the best contrasts with the color red and was coming to the conclusion that black was just fine, while wiping blood off a cane-sword.

This was confusing. I was unsure the first time I read this who exactly had their guts spilling out. First, I thought it was Mr. Floss based on your sentence structure, but then that didn't make sense. This is one place where you need to be more explicit. I think you need to make the connection between Mr. Floss's words and the inn-owners death more clear. Also, who is Tommy? The name is mentioned only once in the piece. I assume it's the owner, but if you are going to name him, I would at least mention his name once before.

The fire crackled and spat behind him, warming his back oh-so-lovingly.

This is an example of a place where I think you are trying to hard.

who said a hired killer had no feelings?

I would omit this. It is clear Mr. Floss is a hired killer, no need to cheapen the piece by explicitly mentioning it.


I liked this. Your characterization is really nice. I will go on and review the first chapter, if you found this one helpful. Feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you have any comments or questions.

W
  








cron
Okay, first of all, who names their dinner? I don't want to know my dinner's name. This potato--is this potato named Steve?
— Rick Riordan, The Sword of Summer