Young Writers Society

When I first started this, I never knew how much death would be in the air, P.F.C. Joseph Allen thought. He was in Afghanistan, supporting his troops that are should be 'were'; you started in past tense trying to lower a makeshift bridge over a hole in the overpass.

“Allen! Keep a steady fire on those tangos across the river god damn it. Use your grenade launcher attached to your ACR,” Lieutenant Sheperd yelled. Allen snapped back to reality to answer back and keep shooting. The wording of the last sentence confused me, perhaps say he "back to reality IN ORDER to answer back and keep shooting"?

“Yes, sir,” Allen replied back. You don't need the word 'back', the reply would automatically be directed to Shepherd.

Bullets sprayed all over the ground as bullet after bullet jumped out of everyone’s gun guns, not gun, pelting the militia or concrete with bullet holes. So far there has hadonly been two KIA’s and three critically wounded.

“Lieutenant, the bridge is down. I repeat the bridge is down!,” yelled a Private named Zach Sloan. You don't need the comma after the exclamation mark.

“Good work, Private. Now everybody up those stairs double time,” Sheperd yelled.

Heavy Ranger footsteps marched up the metallic stairs. Going up the stairs two at a time was difficult for the heavily armed soldiers. This part: were they taking the stairs two at a time because Shepherd said 'double time', because that would mean take each stair twice as fast, but still one at a time.

“Allen! Get in and man the turret,” yelled a driver named Corporal Dunn. Allen got in and manned the turret attached to the Humvee named ‘Curb Crusher’.
Static crackled from a walkie-talkie. It was deathly quiet. Static crackled, as well as being deathly quiet? Perhaps say "Then it was deathly quiet", as this clears things up. Or "Static crackled from a walkie-talkie before a deathly quiet elapsed." Just a minor suggestion.

“Sheperd this is Thunder 2. We have visual on enemy building. Over.” Sheperd’s walkie-talkie went off.

“This is Sheperd, fire at will, I repeat fire at will, do you copy.” Silence rolled over the platoon as the Rangers waited for an answer.

“This is danger close, Lieutenant, I repeat DANGER CLOSE. Over,” was the reply that no one was hoping for. Spirits plummeted as they imagined themselves being thrown around by the impact, going off the overpass into the water below, drowning as the equipment they had on their backs drug them to their deaths.

The attack jets flew over the targeted building. The bombs fell and practically caused a minor earthquake. Then the building went down. Cement rained everywhere. The soldiers covered their heads as rubble flew down in free fall mode.

“WOOH, Yeah,” screamed the soldier. The Humvee started moving as they stayed quiet, but still cheering on the inside. Again, the soldier screamed but you say it was 'as they stayed quiet'. Perhaps say they fell quiet, THEN the Humvees moved, and that they were still cheering on the inside.

“Shut up and keeps your eyes peeled. Watch those rooftops,” mumbled Sheperd.

The Rangers drove for about two minutes before...

“We have eyes on four possible tangos,” said HQ over the mike.

“Are they armed,” replied Sheperd You need a question mark after armed, and a full stop/period after Shepherd.

“Negative, but still... I’m suspicious.”

“Copy that HQ, Sheperd out.”

The Rangers raced through the maze-like-roads, trying to find and eliminate an enemy base camp.

“RPG, R-P- ahhhh,” were the last words of the crew in ‘Ole Betsey’.

The tank blew up in a cloak of rubble and flame. The Humvees behind Ole Betsey, swerved out of the way to avoid contact with the flaming vehicle.

"Contacts on the building to our left!," screamed Corporal Dunn.

"RPG to the buildings on our right", roared another troop.

An RPG missile head soared straight towards the platoon of Humvees. The platoon blew up as Allen, tumbled out of the Humvee. The platoon was destroyed in a matter of seconds as Allen's breath faded into the chaos surrounding him.