Young Writers Society

"Courtney, pl-pl-please stop!" Alex blubbered. His defined cheekbones drenched in tears. His brown eyes full of tears, which spilled out continously. I looked at him feeling nothing but hatred.
"Fuck you ,Alex!" I kicked him in him exposed groin. He screamed and slumped forward in the chair. I walked around him; smugly smiling at the rope burn on his wrists. I ran my finger along the back of his neck causing him to shiver.
"C-Courtney, please stop!" He yelled. I strolled around and knelt in front of him, and looked him straight in the eyes.
"No." I said sweetly, followed by laughter.
"What the fuck did I do to deserve this?" He cried. I grabbed the chair and threw it backwards. He was laid on his back, more vunerable than ever.
"What did you do? What did you do! You fucking cheated on me that's what! and I could deal with that Alex, I really could, but with my sister! My fucking sister!" I glared down onto him, delivering another kick to his groin. Blood ran down his thigh and dripped blood splatter onto the stone floor. I smiled.

"Look Cor, i'm sorry. It was...I-I-It was a moment of weakness!"
"No Alex, no! A moment on weakness is when you have a snickers when you're on a diet, not fucking my sister!" I knelt on his chest, digging my knee making him squeal. I wrapped my hand tightly around his neck, digging my nails into his skin. Blood ran down my finger curving around the joints and dripping against his clavical, all while he implore me to stop. I stood up causing him to splutter and whine, still pleading. I went to the small pine table and to the array of 'instuments' I had set out. I picked up a small silver butterfly knife which he has used for hunting. I turned back on his helpless corpse and laughed even more at how pathetic he looked in the dim light of the basement. I walked over, my heels clicking against the floor. I knelt and cut his left hand free and dragged it out causing him to squirm and make the remainder of the rope rub. I knelt against his wrist and dug the blade into his arm. He let out a bloodcurdling cry and began hurling foul words at me. I began carving into his arm "Cheater". Blood collecting in pools on the floor and crawling with the slant of the house.

"Cor, Cor. Cor!" He screamed.
"Shut the fuck up, you pathetic twat!" I held the knife against his throat. He fell silent, yet his lip remained quivering. I grabbed his bleeding testicles and dug the blade in. He held a scream for minutes and began wraithing in pains.
"oops," I said in the most sarcastic way possible.
I dropped the blade letting blood drip of the blade tip onto the ground. I went back to the table and let my hands trace over the items. I picked up the bleach.
"Look what I have," He was still screaming horribly when he saw the large red label reading bleach. I made my way over to the now poor excuse of a man and open the lid whilst he was still trying to form a sentence. I tipped the liquid all over his body, ensuring it got into all the wounds. His pain was my pleasure.
"Please stop it. End it! Please" End. My next step. I went back to the table and picked up a syringe full of a clear fluid. He saw it and stopped crying; fear had replaced pain.
"So this is it! You're going to fucking kill me!"
"Yep. Get ready" I began walking.
"Wait think about this Cor!"
"i did think about it Alex. I thought about it for four long months whilst you pretended nothings happend so I know this is right."
"Don't you think you're being a bit fucking rash?"
"Nope" I flicked the syringe causing the liquid to shake.
"Great. Fucking great! You fucking heartless bitch" He spat the words at me. I knelt against his chest again causing him to groan heavily.
"Well if this is it. I should tell you, I didn't fuck your sister."
"Of course you didn't Alex, you-"
"It was your brother!" He cut me off. I looked at him as he slowly gained a smug look. He had the final blow.
"You fucking wanker!" I dug the syringe into his neck again and again before finally injecting the liquid. He screamed in ultimate agony as he wept at the end of his life. His body eventually stopped moving. All colour draining from his face and his body now lifeless. I spat into his face and looked down in disgust. I glanced over him, the man I had loved, and felt nothing. I quickly left the house, but not before sending it up in flames. The flames twisted towards the sky like his cheating little secret. His disgusting little secret, and my revenged little greviance.

Hmm, she's a nasty little bugger, isn't she?

I turned back on his helpless corpse

A corpse is a dead body. He's still alive here, so maybe just "body"?

wraithing in pains

"Writhing in pain".

I picked up the bleach.

"Look what I have," He was still screaming horribly when he saw the large red label reading bleach

Within a line or two of each other, we have two sentences informing is that it is bleach. Maybe change the first time to just "a bottle" and then the second time specifically let us know that it is bleach? It helps avoid some of the repetition.

Also, in that second sentence there, the punctuation for the dialogue is a little wonky.

When dialogue ends with a dialogue tag, you finish the sentence off with a comma within the quotation marks and then have the dialogue tag begin with lowercase letters. Example:

"I like cookies," she cooed, dancing the food up and down the arm of her chair.

If it doesn't end in a dialogue tag, then it ends in the proper punctuation for the sentence. Anything after that would start with an uppercase letter. If it involves the character speaking, it can stay after the dialogue. Example:

"Carver, I'm serious. That's messed up." Julie ran a hand down her face, trying to wipe the water out of her eyes.

If it involves a character other than the one speaking, bump it down into its own paragraph. Example:

"Aww, c'mon. It's just a little bit of fun."

Julie wasn't impressed. She turned and stalked away on her soggy high heels.

See what I'm saying there? They're weird little nitpicky rules, but they're important for the reader's understanding.

"It was your brother!" He cut me off. I looked at him as he slowly gained a smug look. He had the final blow.

Erm, why is he telling her this? Why is he smug about it? I mean, she's obviously homicidal. Does he really think that this is going to help him at all? He doesn't seem to be looking to really emotionally tear into her, seeing as how he's begging for his life. Seems to me like he'd rather be trying to bargain with her, lessen the impact somewhere, try to get her to set him free. I mean, she's on the edge. He has to know here that she's going to kill him. So why is he so smug? If he had been keeping it a secret this long, he wasn't apparently trying to rub it in her face. Why do it now? Just seems like an odd move.

This was... graphic. I really couldn't sympathize with any of the characters. Sure, the guy cheated on his wife, but torture and murder? Really? Seems to me that she's just a little unhinged. Being angry is one thing. Taking some sort of impulsive revenge is one thing. Premeditated torture/murder is something else entirely. I couldn't take her side and so instead I found myself sort of leaning more towards the husband in my sympathies, but then he's a jerk too, what with him using his last breath to turn around and be jerky and so I was just sort of left with a vague questioning of why I read the story. I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be telling me, or what the point of all of it was.

I think it could use a little more. How did Courtney manage to get him into that position? Did she attack him somehow? Men are usually bigger than women. How'd she get him tied up and helpless? Is she mentally snapped? Were they happily married before this? How did she find out he was cheating? How did she not know it was her brother? What is she going to do to her sister/brother? Had she done anything already?

As is, we just have a torture scene. It doesn't really tell much of a story, just sort of presents a scenario. I'd like to see some more around the scenario, grounding it in some background. It would become more of an arc, so we'd understand character motivations a bit more.

The swearing got a little distracting. I don't have a problem with swearing in stories per se, because very often it can be used for great effect. Here, it just sort of seemed gratuitous. I realize that in reality, people in this situation very likely would be cursing every other word, but in fiction, reality is unrealistic. Limit it a bit and it will be more effective when it is used. Save it for the really emotional sentences. We're only seeing the characters for this short period of time and if every third word they use is the f-bomb, we become desensitized to and annoyed by it. Less is more here.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

I feel as though your title of this is hugely understated. As Gryph mentioned, this was very graphic. A little demented to be honest, but I suppose that's where good horror books sprout from! The whole setting and story sort of reminded me of some kind of Lifetime movie. It had a lot of the same qualities of some of the ones I've seen having to do with vengeful/obsessive love. Usually the one seeking the revenge has serious psychological issues and ends up straight jacketed or dead. This was a bit intense to say the least.

I think that as far as characters go, I couldn't find myself sympathising for anything that was going on except for an innocent man being viciously murdered by his wife. There wasn't much back story if even in the slightest way. It was more as though you jumped into the action and left the reader with a cliche excuse that he had cheated on his torturer. Maybe the story was meant to be a massive hyperbole for the way love consumes some people; the way cheating consumes people. But this is just a thought I have.

One thing I wanted to point out was that more toward the end, when your main character was torturing the man, he seemed to get a little bold in areas; calling her names and all that. Now, I can agree that he'd be furious with the pain and all the crazy things she's doing, but I would expect for him to be more fearful than anything else. I would think fear, as an emotion, would overpower all else.. His emotion was very flip-floppy I think. Not that hugely, but enough to where I begun to think to myself, 'Why isn't he cowering here, or unable to speak there, or pleading profusely here?' If any of that makes sense.

I also noticed that throughout your story there were many little mistakes in grammar and such. But not so much purposeful mistakes, more so as if you'd typed this up a little quickly or without proofreading before you posted. It's always good to remember to proofread your work first yourself, that way there's at least no minor mistakes to be pointed out as if purposely dealt on your part.

Anyway, other than the things I've mentioned already combined with the things that Gryph mentioned, I don't think I have much else to say about this piece. Other than that you have a true knack for getting graphically insane with your words, lol. Good luck with revising this should you happen to. I would also go back and try proofreading yourself a little bit. Think about what you might be able to add that would make this story pop mentally for your readers. Good luck! And I hope my review was in someway helpful to you.

-Smylin'

This story is very graphic, but for some reason, I love it. I noticed a spelling error that was missed

I kicked him in him exposed groin

it should be 'I kicked him in his exposed groin' not 'him exposed' It is very grim, but it was well worded. If you really want to make it gruesome and dark, I would add more details about the torture, maybe do some research on some medical things, some way to make it more graphic. I do like it though, it would make a good horror/gore book. I think you should work on the small details mentioned above. Good luck in your future writing. May you be shielded from Writer's Block.